Shards of Us (15 page)

The genuine hurt in his words is
almost too much to bear. My heart aches for him, wishes I can make him better. I need him to feel okay, just like he makes me feel okay. Our relationship has always been about that; healing the other with our touches and our words. But sometimes, I doubt that I'm really healing him. Sometimes, I think no one can heal Sebastian.

"Okay," I say, wishing I had the strength to say no. "But
don't make them tight, please?"

Sebastian
smiles a little. "Of course, angel," he says, gently clasping the handcuff to my hand, then attaching it to the bottom of the mattress. "Anything for you." He kisses me when he's done, a long, drawn out kiss that sends a shiver through my body. "Does that feel okay?" he whispers, blue eyes piercing mine.

"Yes."

"Good." Sebastian lies back down now, looking up at the ceiling, and I follow his lead. The ceiling is empty, nothing but white paint, but there is something beautiful in how ordinary it is. I wish I were ordinary, sometimes. I wish none of the bad things ever happened. But then I realize that being ordinary never made me all that happy either. Being ordinary never gave me any of these experiences, never made me feel as alive as Sebastian does. Being ordinary is kind of overrated.

Maybe everyone should be shards. Maybe that's the point.

"Do you think we're ever going to escape for good?" I ask after a while, not looking at him. "Do you think Marco will ever give up?"

I hear
Sebastian shake his head beside me. "I don't know. I think we just have to hope."

"Hoping hasn't
gotten me very far," I mutter so quietly that I don't mean for Sebastian to hear, but he must anyway, because I hear him say to himself, "Me too."

We're silent for a long while after that. I listen to the crickets outside, to the whirring of the fan above me, and I find myself wondering if this place is going to be my home now, if I'm ever going to get out. But at least I'm with
Sebastian. At least I still have him. And for now, that's all I need.

"Angel," he whispers
after a few hours have passed, right when I'm on the verge of falling asleep.

"Yes?" I
say, sitting up and turning to him.

He's not looking at me, though. His gaze is still trained on the ceiling. "I
n case anything ever happens, I want you to know something. I want… I want to have a plan B." He turns to me now, locking eyes with mine. "Okay?"

I nod. "Of course," I say softly.

"You aren't going to like it," he says, eyes on mine.

I hold my breath. Just the idea of losing him, losing anyone else, hurts too much to explain. "Tell me."

He sighs. He reaches out a hand and starts running his fingers through my hair, his blue eyes so soft and sad, as if he regrets something. "Angel, I've done bad things," he whispers. "You know that. And you may learn some things about me soon… that just… they aren't good things. I regret them, though. Each and every one of them. But if it gets to the point where you hate me, where you're hurt inside and just want to leave me, then we need to end this. Even with the risks," he whispers. "And then, afterward, if you decide you need to, you can leave me forever. No questions asked. I'll let you go." He moves in closer to me, his hot breath on my lips. "I hope you know that, angel. I hope you know that I'll always let you go if you absolutely need to leave."

My heart skips a beat. What is it Sebastian is hiding from me?
"What's the plan?" I say. I make sure my voice doesn't shake. I make sure I'm strong, strong for him.

"To go with Marco," he says quietly
, eyes still on mine. "He won't kill you on sight if you tell him you have… information about me. Give me up and save yourself, angel. I need to pay for my sins sometime. You don't deserve to be pulled down with me."

"So you want me to go to his hous
e and kill him?" I say quietly, staring back at him, at the curve of his jaw, the deep tan of his skin. The scary thing is, I know I'll do it. I'll do anything to be happy, to be with Sebastian. I've been hurt so much before, broken to the point where I barely know who I am anymore, that I know I'll do anything I need to be happy again.

Sebastian shakes his head. "Don't do that.
Trying to hurt him at his house will only get you killed by his guards. Just give me up, angel, if something bad were ever to happen." His eyes lock with mine. "Can you do that for me?"

"Yes," I say quietly, knowing it's a lie. "I can." But a part of me keeps wanting to ask him what exactly it is he is hiding from me, what it is that is going on
, what he's holding back that could potentially ruin all of this. I tell myself it's nothing, though. Tell myself I can trust Sebastian. I
have
to trust Sebastian. Because without him, who can I possibly trust? I have no one left but him.

He smiles lightly, then kisses my forehead. "Goodnight," he says,
rolling over so his back is to me. "I love you."

But I don't say anything. I just stare up at the ceiling, thinking and thinking. I think about happiness and what I'd do to achieve it. I think about how much pain I feel ev
ery day, and how much I want to be with Sebastian and not have to worry about anything ever again. And then, I think about how a part of me, a deep and dark part of me, would do anything to make the pain go away. Would do anything to make me happy again, to make me feel less broken.

Absolutely anything.

"I can kill him, you know," I say suddenly, horrified by my own words. "If you think that'll help."

Sebastian
muscles tense up as soon as the words escape me. He turns over to me, his eyes fiery, his voice filled with anger and something else… fear, maybe? "
No
. You shouldn't do that. Don’t give that up for me. Don't be like me, angel. You never want to be like me."

"But getting rid of him will take away the pain. And I want us to be happy," I say quietly, staring down at my hands. "Is being happy really too much to ask?"

He keeps shaking his head, his eyes so, so sad. "Don't say that, angel," he whispers. "Please. Just don't say that."

"Okay," I say quietly, my eyes glistening with tears. "Okay."

Chapter Fourteen

The next few days go by quickly, and Sebastian and I stay in the house at the top of the hill, still safe for now. I have no idea how Marco's men found us last time, so I catch myself constantly looking behind me, checking to make sure no one is following me, or is here to kill me, or whatever his men want. But no one is. Not yet, at least. Neither Sebastian nor I go upstairs, which makes me wonder what it is he is hiding from me, but I try not to worry about it. I've learned not to question Sebastian. He is who he is. He does what he does for reasons I'm never going to understand. And at the end of everything, all that matters is that we're together.

Sebastian
doesn't let me out of his sight, either, for fear Marco will find me. He takes me into town, watching me the whole time. He gives me money to buy new clothes and food and makeup, and he makes me dye my hair blonde, which doesn't look especially good on me but it makes me look less like myself, at least. There isn't much to do here, nothing but lay low and wait, but at least, in the heart of it all, I have Sebastian. I have someone to hold, someone to love, and that's more than I used to have.

It's Wednesday morning, three weeks since
Ash died, that that all changes.

Today,
Sebastian brings me into town. We're out of groceries, so he drives me down the hill toward the tiny little town center, which is really just a handful of small buildings clustered together. The "supermarket" he parks in front of is the size of a mini restaurant. A few people sit outside of it, lounging at little glass tables with umbrellas over them, basking in the sun and eating sandwiches and laughing and talking. A water fountain sits to their right, with water pouring out of an angel statue's mouth. Sebastian slips on his dark sunglasses and leads me into the supermarket, keeping my head down.

The place is as antique as it is small, with dark-lacquered wood covering the floors and walls and several shelves filled with an assortment of fruits
making up the rest of the store. It smells strongly of sawdust and cinnamon, and it's mostly empty except for a clerk resting boredly against the cash register and a few customers, all of whom seem to be older than fifty, slowly picking food off of the shelves.

I head toward the fridge at the end of the store almost immediately.
Sebastian follows, keeping me close.

"What are you doing?" I hiss at him as he follows me a
ll the way to the refrigerator. He leans against it and surveys the store, his eyes like a hawk's.

"Protecting you
," he says softly, still wearing that suit of his.

"From who?" I mutter, grabbing a carton of milk and throwing it into my basket. "Do you really think I will be clubbed to death by the old ladies in this store?"

Sebastian turns to me, his blue eyes hard and strong. "This isn't a joke."

"I know, I know. But please, just give me some space for a little bit, okay?"

Sebastian narrows his eyes. "Why?"

"Nothing. I just
… I want to be alone for a few minutes. You've been everywhere these last few weeks and I love that because I love you, but… I also need a breather." I sigh. "I just want a few minutes, okay? No one here is going to hurt us here. And anyway," I add, handing him my grocery list. "We need more cheese. I'm sure you can handle that."

His lips purse into a smile
at that, but he still looks worried. "Don't go too far, okay, angel? I'll never be able to live with myself if something happens to you. Promise me you'll stay in the store?"

I smile. "I promise."

And then he nods, as if trying to reassure himself, and starts heading over to the cheese aisle, muttering something under his breath. I catch his gaze darting back toward me, though, and I know he's worried. And I like that, weirdly enough. I like being his. I like that he cares so much about me. I like our setup--I like everything I have.

I may not know much about
Sebastian, but that doesn't mean I can't love him. Because I do. I love him as much as I wish I wouldn't. Sebastian is addicting, dangerous, and broken. He's the only one who knows how to put the pieces of me back together, the only who knows how to make me feel safe no matter what.

I head over to the front of the store where the muffins are, smiling a little to myself. I realize then that I could potentially live like this, with him, for as long as we need. He is everything I have, anyway. He's every part of my life that matters.

I'm so lost in the thought of Sebastian while I mindlessly put some of the muffins into my basket that I don't even notice the man come up beside me.

I almost jump when I hear his voice, deep and rough, as he reaches into the
stack and pulls out a muffin of his own. "You live around here?" he asks in a thick accent, grabbing another muffin to put in his basket.

"Um." I look up to meet his gaze. The first thing that strikes me about him is those eyes. Not just green but a deep green, like a burning emerald, or a serpent of some sort. They're the kind of eyes that once you look at, you can't look away
from. They're entrancing, almost, beautiful in an unsettling kind of way. Then there is his deep tan, his jet-black hair that is slicked off to the side, and the thick muscle in his bicep, like he's been through a lot in his life. He's handsome, though. Not sexy like Sebastian is, but dark and attractive in another way. Gruff, I think. There's some kind of pull about him, something strong and undeniable, and as soon as I lock eyes with him, I find myself struggling to breathe evenly. I've never seen him before, that's for sure. He's the kind of guy you'd recognize from a mile away.

I glance back to see if
Sebastian is watching, but he's busy fumbling with the cheese, trying to get it out of the fridge. I hesitate as I turn back to the man, wondering whether I should just walk away. Sebastian already told me not to talk to anyone else and I'm just about to obey, but then I remember it's also been three weeks since I've talked to anyone but Sebastian. Plus, this man seems harmless enough, so it can't hurt to answer just one question, right? "No," I admit, nervously shifting my weight to my right foot. "We're just visiting."

"Ah," he says, taking a bite out of one of the muffins. "No wonder I didn't
recognize you." Then he steps forward toward me, and suddenly I feel my instincts go off. There is something unsettling about this man, I realize all of a sudden. Something not… right, and I know right away that talking to him was a mistake. My heart starts pounding faster and faster, and I inch back slowly, taking in a deep breath. "Is that your boyfriend?" the man says, pointing to Sebastian, who seems lost in the world of shredded cheese, frowning like he's never been to a grocery before.

"Yes," I say slowly
, watching him closely, making sure he doesn't try anything. I debate whether to call for Sebastian to come here, but I know he'll only be angry with me for breaking his rule, and Sebastian's anger isn’t worth it if I'm wrong about this man.

"
Interesting," he says and starts stepping away from me, toward the door. A breath of relief escapes me. False alarm. Thank god. "I recognize him, miss," the man continues, still heading toward the door, a serpentine smile tickling at his lips. "In fact, I once knew him."

I frown. My heart starts beating faster. "You did?" I ask despite myself.

His smile grows. Thin-lipped. Scary. I really shouldn't be having this conversation with him. I really should be running to Sebastian right now--just to be safe--because something about this man is all wrong. But curiosity gets the best of me, because I want to know more about Sebastian too badly. "As a matter of fact, yes. He was a good man, when I knew him. But he changed after one of his jobs. Such a shame," the man says, shaking his head. "Such a shame."

My pulse is pounding now, and I feel
the need to know coursing through me. The answers I've been looking for are right here in front of me in the form of this man, and as much as I wish I didn't want to know, I can't help myself. I want the truth. It's that simple.

I shoot a quick glance back at
Sebastian. He's found the cheese now, and will be seeing me with this man at any second. So I spin around and ask the man urgently, "What job?"

He
looks at me with fake surprise and also a touch of sadistic pleasure, that same thin smile spreading across his lips. "You really don't know?"

"No," I say. My hands have started shaking. "What
is it?"

The man takes another step toward the door, savoring a second bite of his muffin. He looks at me with such amusement, it makes me scared. My stomach twists. By the glint in his eyes, I know something very very wrong is about to go down.

"He was hired to kill two parents," the man says, watching my expression. "Mr. and Mrs. Knight were their names. It was about, say, two years ago. They even had a daughter. Such a shame," he repeats, but I'm not even listening anymore.

Everything fades out. His smile, his voice, everything. My heart is pounding furiously and my ears are ringing, and I just don't know what to do. I'm shaking now, shaking so hard I could pass
out. My gaze keeps zooming in and out, and I find myself moving my head back and forth, trying to deny it, trying to tell myself this can't possibly be real.

Because Knight is my last name.

And Mr. and Mrs. Knight are my parents.

Sebastian
killed my parents.

Everything hurts all of a sudden. It's like I'm in a dream, or a trance, or something, but whatever this is, it cannot possibly be real.

Sebastian couldn't have killed my parents.

He wouldn't have.

They were robbed. They weren't assassinated.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the man sneers, seeing the fear etched all across my face. "Did I say something wrong?"

He turns then, takes a final bite of his muffin, and steps through the threshold of the shop. I'm still shaking like crazy, my mind racing to piece together what just happened, but I manage to call after him, "What's your name?"

He chuckles, steps outside
, and then he's out of sight. "I think you already know the answer to that, missy," he calls back. "And hey," he says, his voice thick with sadistic pleasure, "if you ever change your mind about Sebastian, I'm always waiting at the dance studio."

The next thing I know, he's gone, and all I want to do is break out into tears. I'm still shaking and feeling sick to my stomach by the time
Sebastian reaches me, grabbing my arm. His eyes are filled with worry as he pulls me toward him. "Everything okay, angel?" he asks, and I somehow manage to nod, forcing back the tears.

"Were you talking to someone?" he says urgently, eyes darting between my face and the open door. "I thought I heard your voice." 

I shake my head, feeling my stomach twist. A sob racks through me and I'm barely able to hold it back, because just looking into Sebastian's eyes reminds me of what he is: a cold-blooded killer.

But could he really have done that to my parents?
My
Sebastian?

"I was just talking to myself," I say, barely keeping my voice from cracking. "There was no one."

Sebastian doesn't look like he believes me, but he nods anyway. "Okay," he says. "Let's get you home."

He gently takes my
muffin basket from me and goes up to the cash register, purchasing the food. And I just stand there, watching, but all I can think about is him, holding a gun to my parents' heads two years ago.