When I was on the brink of falling asleep and letting the darkness take over, I heard a very quiet whisper, something that even a mouse wouldn’t be able to hear. I tuned in so I could better understand.
“I think I’m in love you Harper Mae.”
A smile emerged from my face as the night went black. I had never felt more content and at ease than I felt tonight. If this is what love is, this effortless feeling of happiness and joy then I’m pretty sure I was in love too.
As Ryder hummed, the darkness seeped into my pores and I drifted into the most calm and restful sleep I have experienced since I was a
child.
The sun sh
one brightly through the glass door that we closed back up after our bath, before we went to bed last night. There were no curtains, so the brightness pierced my eyes as I was sleeping restfully. When I finally woke up, I curled up in the extra large and plush comforter and stretched my arms out.
When I wasn’t able to find Ryder by moving my arms, I got up and looked around assuming he was on the far side of the bed. When I looked past the plush comforter and pulled it back thinking maybe he was engulfed in it, I realized that Ryder was nowhere to be found in the bed.
I quickly shuffled out of bed and walked over to the bathroom thinking maybe he was taking another shower or getting dressed, but was welcomed to an empty bathroom. I grabbed my shirt and put it on as I moved down the long hallway into the living room part of the suite.
Once again, there was no Ryder.
“Shit. Shit. FUCK!” I screamed to no one in particular knowing that Ryder was just what I had suspected. Leaving me alone after I had bared my heart and soul to him. He probably thought I was some freak of nature now and hardened criminal.
“I knew this would happen,
” I whispered under my breath but out loud. Normally when Ryder left he left a note by the kitchen, but since there was no kitchen I looked around the entire living room tearing it apart. I ran back to the bedroom and bathroom desperately trying to find some sort of note explaining why he left, but there was nothing there. I found absolutely nothing.
I felt a weight lift itself back onto my shoulders and my heart filled with a mixture of anger and sadness. I was alone again. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to anyone but myself. I knew that Rita was wrong about going for the guy and Skye was wrong for thinking this guy was the one for me. From now on, I have to trust myself and no one else, they knew nothing about me.
Tears started trickling down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away not wanting to cry about any of this. I guess I was just confused. Why did he take me to this hotel to leave me the next morning? Why was he doing this to me? I couldn’t wrap my head around him wanting to know more about my story last night when I gave me many times to stop me or walk away. Instead he took me to this hotel, fucked me and got what he wanted out of me. He probably wanted to make his mark on the broken girl who was vulnerable to anything he said.
Tears started gushing gown my eyes and I curled up on the floor next to the glass wall separating me from the ocean. Tempted to just jump in and swim away from this crazy world we live in, I had to force myself to stop crying.
“It’s not worth it Harper,” I kept repeating to myself on the floor.
I felt like I was lying to myself though the pain of him leaving ripped parts of my heart out with him. It felt like something was missing suddenly and I wasn’t able to stop it or mend it this time.
I was mad at myself for falling in love with someone I knew was going to disappoint me, but falling hard for him anyways. After a few moments, I realized that if I was able to pick myself up from everything that had happened with Tye, I was capable or picking myself up from this.
I moved off the floor, mechanically picking up my clothes from last night and putting them back on. I knew I had to find a way to get back home, so I called Skye praying that she should be able to pick me up. Thankfully, my phone had a couple percent left in the battery.
On the second ring Skye picked up, too bubbly for morning and screamed through the receiver, “Ohmigod! Harper I am dying to tell you something!”
“Skye,” I said as serious as I possibly could, “I am in trouble.”
“Holy shit. What’s wrong? Where are you? Are you okay?” She asked in quick concession.
“I need you to come pick me up. I am at the Arden Hotel in Del Mar. Please.”
“Okay, I’m getting the driver now, we will be there as soon as possible, just go wait for me outside.”
“Thank you,
” I thanked my best friend for coming to my rescue, not asking any more questions.
I knew I had a half hour before Skye arrived so I went into the bathroom and stuck my tousled bed head in a long ponytail and fixed my makeup from last night. I went
and grabbed my purse, making sure I had everything from last night, then went downstairs. Thankfully, Ryder had charged the room last night, so I didn’t have to pay for anything.
I gathered myself
up, gaining enough composure to start the day and reminding myself that I would have to go to Rita’s at noon. I clicked the door to the hotel room closed, locking away the pain that was caused in there moving forward from the day. I kept telling myself that it was okay and he was just another guy moving through my life, but even though that was what I kept repeating in my mind, my heart had different thoughts. There was a gaping hole missing from inside of me, and it felt like I was crushed by a ton of bricks and my heart was missing from inside my chest cavity.
Why the fuck did this have to happen to me? I didn’t deserve any of this. I need to make better choices when it comes to men.
I sat in the lobby up at the front waiting, until I saw her town car pull up. I ran outside and into the car before she could even open her door.
When I saw her
, tears starting dripping down my face like a steamy window with heavy perspiration.
“Oh honey, what’s wrong? What did that son of a bitch do?” She asked while wrapping me into a huge hug
as I hopped in next to her
“He left Skye. He left me sitting in a hotel thirty-something minutes from home. He left without even a note this time.”
“Maybe something came up?” she asked nervously not wanting to make me sad.
“No. He should have woken me up or said something. I told him everything Skye. I told him everything and he ran away.”
“It’s not because of what you told him Harper,” she said but she had no idea what I could have possibly told him. She thinks I just ran away from home and had a terrible childhood, but she has no idea the pain I suffered or what I had gone through.
“No, it is. He got scared so he ran away, which is why I never tell anyone anything.”
“I am sorry Harper,” she gripped me tight in her arms, hugging me, “I think maybe you should go confront him and tell him your feelings.”
I thought about this for a second as the anger started to boil through my veins. Yeah, he deserved to give me an answer. I deserved something from him.
“Maybe I will. I just don’t want to go into work right now.”
“Call Rita, she will understand,
” Skye assured me as I grabbed my phone and dialed Rita’s number.
When she picked up I explained that I wasn’t feeling well and would come in. She
was understanding about everything, saying that I could come in tomorrow.
“Can we like go do something toda
y? I don’t feel like going home,” I muffled through my breath.
“Yes, but first we have to make a pit stop.” Skye
leaned over and whispered something to the driver.
We sat a couple moments in silence and I went to grab my bag sitting next to Skye when I noticed something shiny and sparkly on Skye’s ring finger. It took me a second to realize, but there was a roughly 4-carat diamond ring propped up high in a solitaire style with a small diamond band.
I grabbed her hand and thrust it in her face while screaming, “WHAT IS THIS?”
The only thing Skye could do was giggle and laugh at my outburst.
“It’s an engagement ring, silly.”
“What does that mean? What are you talking about
? SKYE MONROE ARE YOU ENGAGED?!”
I think the driver was about to get in a car accident when I echoed the last part of the sentence.
“Yup,” she said nonchalantly while playing with her sparkling ring on her hand.
“Are you kidding? Here I am telling some sob story and your freaking engaged?!”
“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt.”
“Sk
ye, you don’t even know the guy!” I exclaimed rather truthfully. She had only been dating him a couple of weeks and known him for like one month.
“Please don’t start with that,” she exhaled, “I know him well enough to know that I am madly in love with him. I know enough to know that I want to be forever with this man who will support and love me with every ounce of his soul.”
I got teary eyed again, not thinking I had any tears even left, but I couldn’t believe that Skye was actually getting married. It was just yesterday that we were going out together to pick up guys to bring them home and now here we were growing up falling in love and in my case, falling apart. But, I was so happy for Skye, she did love Jayson and I knew she was going to pick someone who could not only put up with her, but love her deeply.
“I love you!” I exclaimed grabbing her by her shoulders and wrapping her small frame in a huge hug. “Am I at least going to be a bridesmaid?”
“Well, I was hoping that maybe you would be my maid of honor?” she squeaked out through my shoulders.
I unpeeled
myself from her and looked at her with shock. I honestly hadn’t thought that she would ask me to be her maid of honor, knowing she had a ton of sorority sisters and other friends, so I was elated she had asked. For that moment, I was truly happy for Skye, completely forgetting about my morning with Ryder, but once his name crossed my head, those thoughts rushed again leaving the hole gapping open.
“Of course I will be your maid of honor, I am tickled you asked me Skye.”
“You’re so lame, of course I was going to ask you! Who else would I have?”
“How did he
propose to you?” I asked curiously.
“We were
laying down in bed after making the best love we had ever made.”
“Eww!” I teased making a scrunched up face with my nose.
“Shh,” she said, “So, we had just been together and we were naked and raw in bed. He jumped up, pulled on a pair of boxers and got down on one knee after grabbing something from his pocket. He asked me if I would spend the rest of his life together with him, while I was still lying in bed. He promised he would take care of me like I deserved and he would never abandon me like my parents did.” She started tearing up thinking of the night.
“That is so sweet.” I was shocked with nothing more I could say.
“I know, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me Harper.”
“Well, first things first, we need to go out and celebrate!” I said hoping that I would be able to take my mind off Ryder by engulfing myself into wedding planning for Skye.
“Well we aren’t getting married until next summer, after graduation.”
“Still, a bride needs to celebrate!”
“A bride. Can you believe it, Harper? I am going to be a bride!” We both exclaimed with glee, jumping up and down like kids getting an extravagant gift on our birthdays.
When I suddenly realized we were pulling into the outskirts of San Diego and heading down the street where the coffee shop was my glee was replaced with annoyance and frustration for Skye.
“Where are we going?” I asked her.
“Before we can continue this wedding planning today, you have to go talk to him Harper. I know that if I didn’t take you here, you would never go and you have to at least talk to him.”
“No. Nope. I am not getting out of this car.” I exhaled with frustration.
“Yes, please just go…if not for you go for me.”
“You suck,” I uttered, Skye very well knowing that I would do anything for our friendship.
When we pulled up to the little brick coffee shop, I knew this moment would be harder than when I bared my soul to Ryder. This time, I had to confront someone who may shut me down again. I was worried that he would tell me I was a horrible person and shut me down as a human being. I was afraid he would reject me and ignore me. I was afraid I was right and Ryder was nothing than a piece of shit that wanted to get in my pants.
I took a huge breath in and got out of the town car.
“You can do it. I’
ll be right here if you need me,” Skye encouraged from the car.
As I pressed the handle of the car door open, the cool breeze floated over my body sending chills through my spine. The sun was shining bright and beckoning to me to go inside. I pulled my feet out and methodically moved towards the coffee shop, pressing the door open hearing the chime above the door.
“You can do this.” I repeated this to myself before I reached the counter and saw the now familiar face behind there working on a coffee for a lady at the counter, all while giggling with her much too intimately.