Shattered Dreams (9 page)

Emma: That’s ok, Boo. I
love you. 
 

I laugh at myself for some
stupid reason
. 
 

Brooke: Haha, very funny,
and I love you, forever and always. 
 

Tonight for dinner, Danny and Cheryl offered
to pick up dinner from the Tilted Kilt Pub and Eatery. Max and I
love that place and often eat there with Jamison and Brooke. It’s
funny I am friends with Brooke and the other Army wives and yet we
each refer to the husbands by their last names. 

After dinner Danny and
Cheryl leave, and Brooke and I have movie night with the kids. I
have missed my time with her and the kids. I cuddle up with Briley
while Brooke cuddles up with James as Braden cuddles in between us
with his small blanket and his bear. Once the old Disney
movie
The Fox and the Hound
is over, I help her carry her sleeping children
the short distance to their side of the duplex. 

James and I go to bed and I leave the door
unlocked for Danny and Cheryl. Max will call tomorrow and I find
myself anxious for our skype time together. Our time last week was
cut short, and I am hoping we have better reception this
week.  

I fall into a restless sleep
and dream of bombings, shootings, yelling, and minefields.
I dream of soldiers being hit by flying
debris
and flying body parts.
I dream of Max and his platoon being in trouble. I
can’t see Max’s face, but I see the faces of the other soldiers in
his platoon. I wake up to Cheryl sitting on the edge of the bed and
I can hardly make out Danny in the hallway. The muted lighting
makes it difficult to see.  

“
It’s all right, Emma, it’s
just a bad dream.” 

I cry into her and wonder whether it was
really a dream. I try to calm my racing heart for my own sake and
for hers. Once Danny sees I’m ok, he walks away. I lean back away
from her and wipe the tears away with the backs of my hands. “I’m
sorry, just a bad dream.” 

“
Are you sure you’re
ok?” 

“
Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t
mean to wake you or frighten either of you.” 

“
Did you dream of Max?” she
asks. 

“
No,” I
lie. 

She looks at me and searches my eyes, from
one to the other. I know she is searching for the truth. I blink
and look down at the covers on the bed so she can’t see the truth.
I don’t want her to see I am afraid for the safety for her
son. 

“
Ok, good night, and I’ll
see you in the morning.” 

“
Ok, Cheryl, thank you. I’ll
see you in the morning.” 

She slowly stands and walks
out of the room, leaving my bedroom door slightly opened. I lie in
bed and try to forget my dream. It was so real so why couldn’t I
see Max’s face? I saw the faces of the other troops. I turn and lie
on my side facing Max’s side of the bed. I scoot closer to his side
and rest my head on his pillow. It no longer smells like him.
Missing him more and more by the minute, I go into the closet and
put on one of his t-shirts. I inhale deeply and smile.
That’s better. 
 

I wake up and have an uneasy feeling. I
shower while Cheryl bathes James for me. I want to spend a little
extra time on my hair and makeup today. I know when Max calls we
usually have a grainy image, but I am hoping it’ll be better today.
I am also hoping he looks better this week than last week. I dress
James and me in red, white, and blue to show our support for our #1
soldier. I make sure James is fed and changed before our skype time
with Max. More than any other time, I need this time with him. The
dream last night was and is very unsettling. Danny gets the
computer set up and we wait for it to come to life. Danny is
standing behind us and Cheryl and I are sitting in front of the
screen in chairs. James fusses and I look at the time. Max is three
minutes late. This is only our third skype time, but he has always
been so punctual. I stand and bounce James while pacing the room.
Something doesn’t feel right. The hair on my arms stands straight
up, and I shiver for no reason at all.  

“
What time is
it?”  

“
8:07,” Danny
answers. 

“
He’s seven minutes late.
He’s not going to call.” 

“
Emma, don’t say that.
Sometimes they have problems with the reception,” Danny
says. 

I take James and walk over to Brooke’s side
of the duplex. I knock before walking in. I know she also has skype
time with Jamison at the same time I have with Max. I scan the room
and see her and the boys sitting on the couch together. “Did he
skype yet?” 

“
No, we are still waiting.”
She holds up her laptop to show me it’s blank. 

“
Max hasn’t skyped us
either; just checking, sorry.” 

“
Are you all
right?” 

“
Yes,” I lie before shutting
the door behind me. I walk back into the house and Danny is on his
phone pacing the room. “Jamison hasn’t skyped Brooke and the boys
yet either. It must be interference,” I say, not believing that
myself.  

I walk James from one end of the room to the
other. I kiss him and rest my lips on his fuzzy head. I hum to him
and he goes to sleep. Cheryl doesn’t move from the computer screen
and Danny talks softly to someone on the phone. My mind races and I
can’t think of anything else. I say my silent prayers and pray Max
and his troops are safe. The hair on my neck stands up and I
already know something is wrong.  

I excuse myself and walk upstairs with James,
before putting him to bed. I dress in Max’s sweats and tee shirt
for bed and watch the video Max made for me over and over again. I
replay his saved voice messages and laugh when he tells me he loves
me, always and forever. He never did get our saying
right.  

I get our pictures out from the top of the
closet and look at them. He is so handsome and strong. His smile is
as big as his heart. Max loves with his entire heart. I know people
say that men are afraid to love with their whole heart because they
are afraid of getting hurt, but not Max. He loves me with
everything that he is as a man.  

I fall asleep and wake up to a crying baby. I
pick up all the pictures that are now scattered across my bed,
change James, and sit up in the rocking chair in the nursery
feeding him.  

The next few days go by with
no word from Max. Danny runs every morning and Cheryl and I do yoga
and exercise to Tamilee Webb DVDs
every
afternoon. Danny spends a lot of time on his cell phone talking to
I have no idea who. A knock sounds at the door, which Danny opens.
I walk up behind Danny thinking I am going to see Brooke and the
boys standing there. Instead I see Captain Stewart, Chaplain
Newman, and Sgt. Majors standing there with sad looks on their
faces. I shake my head and back up from the door. “No, God, no.
Please tell me it’s not true. God, please tell me it’s not
Max.” 

“
May we come in, Mrs.
Greyson?” the Captain asks. 

“
Danny? What is this about?”
Cheryl asks Danny and not the three men standing in the
doorway.  

I back up until my legs hit
the couch. I sit down, but I can’t hear what is being said. I see
Cheryl raise her hands to her face and cry. Danny reaches out to
hold her and I can see tears fall onto his cheeks. I watch the
events unfold but I can’t hear what they are saying.
Why can’t I hear anything?
 

Brooke scoots past the three tall men, who
are still standing in the doorway. She and the boys come over to
me, and she holds my hand. Tears now blur my vision, and I can no
longer see what is going on. I can hear everyone crying. I listen
and they say there was a booby trap and that Max was killed
instantly. I shake my head not believing what I am hearing. I sit
on the couch feeling numb. They are here to tell me Max isn’t
coming home, that Max is never going to come home
again.  

I stand on shaky legs. I need to walk over to
them, but my legs refuse to move. Brooke stands with me and holds
my hand. Through blurred vision, I see the three men walk over to
me.  

“
I’m sorry, Mrs. Greyson. We
wanted to confirm it to make sure it was indeed Sgt. Greyson before
contacting you. We plan to have Sgt. Greyson’s body flown here in
the next few days. We’ll be in touch with you about what you have
decided about funeral arrangements.” 

The rest of what happens that day is a blur.
I don’t even remember going to bed. 

“
Em, Emma, wake
up.”
 

I blink a few times and
smile. Max is lying beside me on the bed. He smiles and his clear
blue eyes are beautiful. “You’re here?”
 

“
I am, I have missed you.”
He says leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses
my earlobe like he always does. I love you so
much.”
 

“
I love you and I have
missed you. I had a terrible dream.”
 

“
I know, Em, I just came by
to make sure you and James are all right.”
 

“
How long are you staying
for? Your mom and dad are still here.”
 

“
I know, I saw them. James
is getting so big. He looks just like you.”
 

“
I think he is handsome
like you.” I lean over and touch Max’s scruffy
face.
 

“
Em, if you need anything,
I want you to ask my dad or your dad. Don’t be afraid to ask them;
they will want to help you. And please, tell James how much I love
him.”
 

“
I love you,” I say,
trying to memorize every word he
says. 

“
I love you, always and
forever?” He smiles at me.
 

“
Forever and always,” I
correct.
 

I wake up to the sound of
people talking. I look at Max’s side of the bed and it is
untouched; he hasn’t been here. The pain in my chest tells me that
Max is gone. I have no idea how much time has passed since I heard
the devastating news of Max’s death. I remember Max visiting me in
my dream and I close my eyes and try to remember
what he was saying to me. I hear the sound of
faint footsteps outside my bedroom door.  

“
Emma?”  

I don’t answer, I don’t want to see anyone.
The door creaks as someone opens it. I close my eyes and act like
I’m still asleep. I just want to be left alone. 

“
Emma?” Max’s mother says in
a sad voice. 

I slowly roll over and the devastation is
apparent on her face. Her eyes are dark and swollen and without
sparkle. She is carrying a tray of food.  

“
Emma, I brought you some
soup.” 

“
I’m not
hungry.” 

“
Sweetie, you have to eat.
Please try to eat some soup.”  

Brooke slowly walks into the
room carrying James. My heart breaks a little bit more, if that is
even possible. James sees me and let out a squeal.
My son, our son, I think to
myself. 
 

I sit up straighter in bed and reach my arms
out for James. I smile for the first time in … I have no idea how
long, hours, days, I’m not sure.  

“
Emma, you need to eat, if
you want to continue to nurse him,” Cheryl
says.  

“
You’re right. How long has
it been?” I say taking my too-happy son from
Brooke.  

“
Just a
day.” 

Just a day?
I think.
I feel years
older.
 

“
I’ll feed him first, then
I’ll try to eat something. Thank you.” James latches on quickly and
I realize how much I have missed bonding with him. His daddy is
gone and he will never know him. Both our lives have changed and he
doesn’t even know it.  

“
Your parents are at the
airport; Danny went to pick them up.” 

I nod because I can’t say anything. I didn’t
call them, and I don’t remember anything after hearing the news of
Max’s death. I watch James eat and I play with his fuzzy hair. I
can see Max in him more and more every day. I am grateful our son
will look like his handsome father.  

The next week we prepare for Max’s memorial.
His parents needed to identify his body after it arrived from the
Middle East. I went with them to the morgue, but I couldn’t bring
myself to go back with them to identify him. The military informed
us about the condition of Max’s body in an attempt to prepare us
for the worse. 

Brooke was a huge help. She
cooked and cleaned, and she kept James for me when I couldn’t climb
out of my own personal hell to tend to his needs.
I remember people in and out of the duplex, but I
can’t remember who and what was said. I remember lots of food,
flowers, and cards. I also remember feeling alone and isolated in a
room full of family and friends.  

The memorial service in Fort Drum was very
decorative. All the military was dressed in their dress blues.
There was a 21-gun salute and a release of three white doves, as
requested by his mother. 

Brice

“
Stay here, I’m going in,”
Greyson states. 

“
We’re going in, too,” I
say, following close behind him.