Shattered Innocence (13 page)

She just smiles at me and blows me a kiss. “Can’t wait, ho bag!”

If it were possible, there would be steam coming out of my ears right now. When I walk into my room and see that Damon is still laughing, I pick up a shoe off of the floor and throw it at him. It makes contact in between his shoulder blades.

“Fuck!” He turns around and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have.

Chapter Nineteen

Friday has gotten here sooner then I wanted it to. As I slip my dress on, an over whelming feeling of guilt washes over me. I hate this. I wasn’t this girl a few weeks ago. I never liked what I did, and it’s not that I was proud of it, but I sure as hell wasn’t ashamed of it. The drive to the office is nerve-racking because I don’t know how things will be between us.

When I walk into the office Damon is sitting at the desk. When he looks up at me he smiles, until he realizes why I’m here. His smile fades and I can see the pain on his face. I take a deep breath trying to get a hold of myself. I can do this.

Damon hands me a piece of paper with the address and stats of my client for the night. He can’t even look me in the eye and I can’t blame him. I walk out of the office without another word. On the drive over to the hotel, a single tear falls from my eye from the knowledge that I’m causing him pain.

How are we going to do this for months? It’s going to take me at least five more months to pay off my school bills. After that, I don’t care about getting a different job to help with normal expenses. The only thing running through my mind on the elevator ride up to the floor is, will Damon and I make it that long?

As I knock on the door I try to put on my best face and swallow the lump in my throat. A man in his late thirties opens the door and his eyes devour me as I stand in front of him. This guy’s paid for three orgasms one given by hand, by mouth, and one as he fucks me. I take a deep breath as I step into the room, when he grabs my ass as I walk by, I cringe. Thank God he can’t see my face right now. I need to figure out a way to do this shit. Maybe it will help to picture Damon the whole time. Nope, that will probably make me cry. I need to just keep reciting my reasons for doing this in my head. This is for my future. This is for everything that I have worked for.

I’ve been doing this shit for years and I’m not willing to give it all up now. This is a temporary situation, with an important end result. He doesn’t seem to notice my distracted mind much as I work him to the brink time after time. The sex was the worst because it was really the only time I had to do something violating with him. Hands, mouth, they can both be cleansed easily. Having him inside of me just feels wrong. I feel dirty. I feel like a whore.

As soon as I am done with him, I grab my stuff and leave barely making it to the car before I start to cry. I feel like I’m about to be sick. When the car stops in front of the building my stomach drops. I can’t go in there. I can’t face him smelling and tasting like another man, it’s just wrong.

I make the decision to head straight for my car, I’ll get my money later. All I can think about right now is a scathing hot shower. I need the feel of him off of me, I need his smell to be washed away and to stop being a constant reminder of what I just did.

When I get home Lo is sitting on the couch. She takes one look at me and shuts the TV off. I raise my hand to tell her not to start and head straight for the bathroom. As I stand under the shower my tears mix with the water while I scrub my indiscretions off.

“Jess?”

I don’t answer her.

“Jess, please talk to me. You have me worried.”

I shut of the shower and wrap my towel around me before opening the curtain. I walk past Lo and into my bedroom quickly throwing on a pair of pajamas. I turn to see Lo sitting on my bed. She pats the mattress beside her and I lay down on my back with my head near the end of the bed.

“Damon?”

I shake my head no. “I had a client tonight, and barely made it through the appointment. All I kept thinking of was how wrong it was. How I would feel if he was fucking someone else. I felt cheap and disgusting. I need to do this, Lo, but I also realized that I need him. I can’t have both, though, and I don’t know what to do.”

Lo bites her lip like she usually does when she is thinking. “Was all of it bad?” I look at her in confusion. “Was some of it tolerable?”

“The worst part was the sex. The other stuff wasn’t easy but it didn’t tear me apart.”

“I have an idea then, just don’t do the sex.”

“What? Lo how is that even possible?”

She smiles. “You had told me before some girls had asked you to do threesome appointments with them, right?” I nod my head yes and cringe at the thought. “What if that was all you did? Threesomes where the other girl was the one to get fucked, hand jobs, blowjobs, and your sex ed shit. Would you make enough?”

I think for a minute. “Maybe. I would have to find someone willing to do that, though.” I smile at her hoping that this works and I can at least get a little bit of my dignity back. My bedroom door opens and Damon is standing there.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Lo bends down and gives me a hug. “Love you, girl.”

“Love you.” Once Lo leaves and it’s just Damon and me everything is silent. I don’t know what to say to him, and I can’t read his face right now.

“Why didn’t you come back?” He places a white envelope on my dresser as he walks over to the bed. When he sits he doesn’t make a move to touch me and it hurts.

“I couldn’t face you. I was ashamed of myself, and what I had been doing. I needed to come back here and shower. Tonight was harder than my interview when I hadn’t even been introduced to this life. I can’t do that again.”

He smiles at me. “So you’re going to quit.” I shake my head no and his smile drops. “I’m not going to walk away from you if that is your solution.”

“It isn’t.” I tell him the idea Lo thought of and he agrees that it might work. It is still going to be tough on us, but I think this will definitely be better than tonight was. Damon lies down on my bed and I turn so that I’m next to him. His arms encircle me and we just lay there, neither of us needing to say a word. We fall asleep in each other’s arms, and as I drift off the only thought in my mind is that I’m in deep with this man. All I can do now is hope that he is just as invested in me.

When we wake up in the morning I feel rested. I never sleep as well as I do when Damon is with me. I turn my head to him, he opens his eyes, and smiles at me. “Hey, gorgeous.”

I laugh. “You have any plans today?”

He shakes his head. “Just spending time with my girl.” We stay in bed most of the morning and only get up when we’re so hungry our stomachs are louder than our voices. Lo is in the kitchen making mac and cheese, when she sees us sit down she dumps a second box of macaroni in the water.”

“So sexy people, what’s going on?” Damon starts laughing and I just shake my head at my crazy best friend. “Oh Jess, my mom wanted me to ask you if you are coming home for Thanksgiving again this year.”

I bite my lip not knowing what to say. Damon and I haven’t discussed this topic and when I peek over at him he looks like a deer in headlights. “Um, I haven’t really thought about it.”

Of course Lo being Lo, she pushes the issue. “Damon, what are you doing for the holiday?” I cringe but wait on the edge of my seat for his response.

“I usually go to my mom’s.” That’s all he says.

Lo raises her eyebrows at me, and I shake my head no to her. “You should totally take my girl here home with you, she will charm the shit out of your family.”

I hear him take in a sharp breath. “Um, yeah we can…uh talk about it later.” He stands up from the table, clearly flustered. “I just forgot, I need to run and take care of a few things.” He bends down and gives me a quick kiss.

“I though you said— ”

“I know, I forgot. I’ll call you later, babe.”

He is out of the door before I can respond. I look back at Lo and she seems shocked. I don’t know what to do, or what to say. He obviously doesn’t want any of his family to know he is with me. As the realization washes over me, I put my head down and try to hold back the tears of knowing he is embarrassed by me.

“Lo, what am I supposed to do?” I look up at her looking for some sort of guidance.

“Babes, this is one time I don’t have an answer for you. I’m sorry.” She walks over to me and puts her arm around my shoulder. “Maybe he just isn’t ready, Jess.” When I look at her she shrugs and I can tell she is just trying to make me feel better.

Being ashamed of yourself is one thing. It’s a whole different level of hurt when the person that you want to be with is ashamed of you. It just doesn’t make sense he says how amazing I am, but not enough to meet his family? I don’t even think I would care if he didn’t avoid the topic like it was a disease.

I walk into my room needing to be alone so I can sort out my thoughts. I’ve known Damon for about two months, I don’t know what I should expect from him. Is it that bad that he doesn’t want to do the whole family thing? I don’t have a family worth anything so I really don’t understand the protectiveness that he might feel. Maybe he doesn’t want me to meet them until he is sure that we will work out. Maybe I misunderstood his feelings the other night, I honestly thought he was trying to tell me that he loved me. That’s crazy, love isn’t possible in the amount of time that we have known each other.

Damon texts me that he is going to work out the new arrangement that we talked about and not to come in tonight. He isn’t really around much the next couple days and it is starting to worry me. By the time that Monday rolls around I can’t wait for my classes, if only for the distraction that they provide.

My first class is Philosophy and it is definitely one of my favorites, at least it was until I walked in and saw today’s topic written on the board. Love. Just great. The professor comes in and sits on his desk, he is probably only a few years older than me and is completely down to earth. Once it’s time for class to start he asks one single question, “What is love?”

The class all turns to look at each other, not knowing what type of an answer he is looking for.

“Okay, let me clarify, what is love to you? When you hear that word what do you think of?”

Everyone takes a shot at his question some scientific answers about pheromones, some ridiculous childish answers about cooties and others who were still lost. His gaze lands on me and I want to have the ability to become invisible. “Jessie, any thoughts? Something we haven’t heard?”

“Um…I don’t think so.”

“Come on, you have to have something. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just tell us your thought process as you think about it.”

“Okay.” I think for a minute before starting my response. “Love is the strongest of all emotions. It has the ability to control your head, your heart, and your senses all at once. It can completely overtake you before you even realize its presence. It has no rules that it follows and there are no guidelines for how to achieve it. You either feel it or you don’t, there is no gray area, and no in between.”

I stop talking and the entire room is quietly looking at me. “That is a very well thought out perception.” He turns away from me and begins to go over the assigned reading we had due today.

I think about what I just said and tell myself that I need to lay off Damon. Maybe I’m just moving too fast for him. There are still three weeks until Thanksgiving break, who knows what will happen until then. I try to pull my attention away from my confusing relationship and focus on my class. When I walk out of the building my phone buzzes and I see it’s a text message from Damon.

Damon: Can I see you tonight?

I don’t know how to answer him. I’m honestly still a little hurt from earlier. If he isn’t willing to fully commit why should I be?

Damon: I know I was a jerk earlier.

Well that’s an understatement. I walk to my car not intending to text him back he can sweat it out.

Damon: I love the way your ass looks in those pants.

I smile. Wait, what? I look around and try to figure out where the hell he could be. I can’t see anyone anywhere. Maybe he isn’t here and he is just trying to screw with my head. I reach for my door, and open it before I hear my phone again.

Damon: Just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not here.

This is just getting fucking weird. I’m frantically looking around trying to figure out where the hell he is. When I feel a hand on my shoulder I scream and strike out at whatever is behind me.

“Shit!” I turn around and Damon is standing there clutching his stomach. I smack him once more on the arm eliciting a groan. “What the fuck, Jessie?”

“Why the hell were you acting like such a damn creeper? You were starting to scare me!”

He stands up straight and takes a step toward me backing me against the car. “Why were you ignoring me?”

I didn’t have an answer for that and I just stared at him blankly. I wasn’t willing to admit that he had hurt my feelings earlier. “Maybe I just didn’t want to talk to you.” I move to get into my car, but he grabs my arm. “Damon, let go.”

He pulls me so that I’m standing in front of him pressed up against the car. “You can play this fucking game all you want, Jess. You damn well know that you love the fact that I chase you almost as much as I love doing it.” I take a deep breath and his head dips. His hands cup my ass and he squeezes it hard. “This. Is. Mine. You can play cat and mouse all the fuck you want. It will never change the fact that your ass and your sexy pussy belong to me.”

Damon releases me and turns to walk away. Before he gets into his car he looks back at me and winks. God he drives me fucking crazy. I know he thinks I’m going to chase after him. Fuck that. I get into my car, turn the volume on the radio all the way up, and get the hell out of that parking lot. I feel my phone vibrate in my lap and without looking at it, I know exactly who it is.

Damon: Speed away all you want. I’ll be over later to take what’s mine.