Authors: T L Gray
“I thought you’d be getting up soon,” he said in a cheery voice.
I walked tentatively toward the kitchen to make my energy drink for the run and was taken aback when Jake slid it to me at the bar. I looked up at him questionably.
“You drink those before you run, right?” He asked as he started to wipe down the counter. “I’ve been watching you in the mornings, and it seems to be your ritual.”
I wasn’t sure what to say and stood there staring at him in disbelief.
“How many miles are you running today?” he asked while he continued to work.
“I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet,” I whispered, unable to find any volume in my voice.
He leaned over the counter to look at me, resting casually on his elbows. “Why do you always look so surprised when I do nice things for you?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, finally getting my vocal cords to work. “I guess we never really got to this part.” I knew Jake was aware of how uncomfortable he made me. He seemed to relish it, like my uneasiness around him gave him confidence. He came around the bar and stood so close to me that I could feel the heat radiating off his chest.
“I meant what I said the other night,” he said quietly, the sparks between us so extreme that I literally felt frozen in his presence.
“I’m leaving today,” I finally said as I took a step backwards, looking for any excuse to put some distance between us. “And I probably won’t see you until after Christmas.” I walked back in my room, grabbed the perfectly wrapped present, and handed it to him. “So here. Merry Christmas.” I was trying to be as nonchalant as I could, but my heart was slamming against my ribcage to the point where it almost hurt.
He seemed startled by the gesture and began opening it, taking care not to tear any of the paper. He turned the frame over to see the photo and quietly ran his hand over the glass, stopping on the gloved hand in the picture. His eyes said it all when he looked up. They conveyed his pain with such ferocity that I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him everything would be ok. But I didn’t. I just stood there in silence, waiting.
He closed the space between us and hugged me with such sincerity that I had to fight the tears that were starting to invade my eyes.
“Thank you,” he whispered in my ear, burying his face into my hair as he held me. I hugged him back, but with much more reserve, remembering how quickly Jake could muddy my senses with his touch.
He slowly released me, but didn’t step back, instead stared in my eyes, searching as always for some unknown thing. “Spend the day with me. We’ll go do the lines again just like before.”
“Jake, I can’t.”
“Just as friends, I promise. Your parents won’t care if you go home today or tomorrow. Give me this.” His urgency surprised me.
I hesitated and moved away, grabbing my headsets for the run. “It’s not my house I’m going to,” I explained softly.
Understanding registered on Jake’s face, and I saw his jaw tighten. I moved towards the door, all the sudden feeling suffocated by the room. “Have a wonderful Christmas, Jake. I mean that.”
“Avery,” he called as I was about to open the door and was next to me in an instant. I could feel his breath on my forehead, and I closed my eyes, unable to manage the way his scent overwhelmed me. I felt his hand move over to my wrist and capture it, rubbing two of his fingers across the inner skin as if to check my pulse. I knew my heart was still racing, giving away the effect he had on me. “You forgot your phone,” he said quietly and put it in my hand. “Have a wonderful Christmas too.”
I looked up at him
, and he was smug, obviously pleased at my reaction. I couldn’t seem to get out of the door fast enough and could hardly catch my breath once I did. It was unfair how I was feeling. Unfair to me and to Parker. I took off at a sprint, ready to escape the crushing truth that part of my heart still belonged to a man who was fully capable of destroying me.
“Lord, I pray she knows you as her rock and her salvation. I pray she trusts you at all times and pours her heart out to you…”
1
4. gas station scavenger hunt
My apartment felt different when I returned, darker somehow, like the footprint of Jake was everywhere. The pit felt closer than it had in weeks, and I knew it was my fault. I had given in when I bought him that picture, and allowed myself to feel for him all over again. I looked at the picture of Parker on my desk, and tears stung at my eyes. He deserved so much better than me, and I knew it. I set the picture down and got undressed to shower. My reflection in the mirror stopped me as I started to examine everything that was wrong with my body. I pinched at each bulge, disgusted by it. No matter how hard I tried, how much I ran, it was never enough. The tears were freely flowing now as I stepped in the shower letting the steaming hot water run over me, praying it would sear off everything I hated about myself.
Two hours later, I was dressed and ready to go, eagerly anticipating Parker’s arrival. I was still feeling panicked from earlier and had barely managed to keep myself from the kitchen. He had insisted we ride together even though it meant he had to bring me back here in a few days to get my car. “I don’t mind,” he had said. “It’s totally worth the drive to get you to myself for a little while.”
I practically jumped at the knock on the door and ran to open it, relief flooding my body when I saw him. He barely got in the door before I tackled him in a hug so fierce that he had to brace himself.
“What’s this for?” he asked, chuckling, as I held on for dear life. I breathed in his scent, so different from Jake’s, and just relished the feeling of comfort and warmth I felt in his arms. I didn’t want to let go, wanting instead to get lost in the peace he brought to me. I knew if I continued to hug him, he would start to ask questions, and I didn’t want to talk about the events of the morning, so I reluctantly released him.
“Nothing.
I’m just happy to see you. That’s all.”
He kept his arms locked around me as he leaned down to kiss me. “Me too. Now lets get this show on the road before my mom starts blowing up my phone.”
He picked up my bag, and I shut the door, glancing back one last time at the apartment that had hours before felt like a prison, grabbing at me, trying to pull me back down into its pit. It looked different now, safe once again.
We pulled out of the parking lot and with each mile of distance between
me and Winsor, I started to feel at ease, even excited about seeing Parker in his hometown.
He smiled at me and then got a childish grin on his face. “Ok, so I have a ritual on road trips that started way back when I was a kid…you think you can handle it?”
“Um…sure?” I answered with hesitation apparent in my voice. “It doesn’t involve doing anything that will get us arrested does it?”
“No, nothing like that. It’s just that I get antsy, well you know that from our many study sessions, and so my mom created road games for us to play the whole time we traveled. Now, I’m hooked.”
“What, like I spy?” I teased thinking how cute he looked when he was being playful.
“Insulting. I’m a professional, Avery.” He was feigning seriousness and my curiosity was starting to get the better of me.
“Since it is only a two hour drive, I kept it simple,” he went on. “So we are sticking only with gas station scavenger hunt.”
“What?” I asked laughing, sure he was kidding. The mischievous look on his face told me he wasn’t. “Ok, how do you play?”
“Its easy. There are ten gas stations between my parents and us. I put a list twenty random items in this bag. At each stop, we have to pick one item. The first person to find it and purchase it gets to ask the other a personal question…one they would never ask in normal conversation. AND, the other person has to answer it 100% truthfully. Oh, you can’t ask anyone for help, either.”
I looked at him in disbelief. “That took a lot of preplanning. How did you have time during finals to come up with this?”
“Avery, I planned this out when I came home for Thanksgiving.”
“But we weren’t even together. I mean like really together,” I recalled, surprised at his answer.
His tone suddenly got more serious. “Avery, I knew I wanted you with me the first time I saw you. From that point on, you’ve never left my mind.” He reached over and squeezed my hand, smiling. He was so good to me, always seeing only the best. How I wanted to believe him, but I knew better. I had a secret, a cruel, overwhelming secret that I would never tell him, could never tell him. He would never see me the same if he knew the extent of my emotional weakness and my reliance on food to settle it. But I didn’t want to think of that now, just wanted to enjoy this time with him before I inevitably ruined it.
“Ok, I’m in,” I agreed smiling. “But I must warn you…I’m very fast.”
“We’ll see about that,” he challenged as he winked at me. “Our first stop is right now.”
I reached in the bag to pull out my card and scowled. It was canned soup. What gas station carried that?
Parker pulled in front of the station, and I was out of the car before he even got into park. I was rushing down the isles hysterically laughing as I watched him practically knock down a man in a business suit on his way to the fountain drinks. I found the “household items,” but there was no soup. I went down another isle frantically searching, and spotted a soup to go on the bottom shelf. I grabbed it and ran up to the counter, but it was too late. Parker was already leaning on the counter, casually sipping on his 40-ounce drink.
“I win,” he announced with a smile.
I scowled at him and set down the soup. He put his arm around me and walked us back to the car. Now I was kind of dreading this game. Parker was way too insightful, and I knew his questions would be also.
We got back on the highway and he turned to me. “My first question is a hard one, because I don’t know if I’ll win again,” he explained as if to justify it. “What happened that day you came to th
e quad? It doesn’t matter to me; it can be anything, but I just want to know.” His eyes were sincere, and I knew he was asking so he could be closer to me, not to judge or pry.
I took a deep breath and then told him everything, well, almost everything. I told him I met with my advisor and learned what a colossal disappointment I was, how I went to see Jake for comfort and he was there with another girl. “When I confronted him, he basically told me that I wasn’t the girl he first fell for, that I had lost what made me special.” My voice trailed off at that point, not wanting to remember the words. “I just kind of went numb after that. I felt like I was consumed in darkness because I had lost so much of who I was, and I didn’t know how to get it back. I honestly don’t even remember getting to the quad. I just kind of was there. That’s it.” It was amazing how quickly the pain resurfaced as I spoke the words.
Parker was quiet for a long time and then shook his head. “I hate that guy!” He said it so fiercely that I looked up at him startled. I had never seen him angry before. He turned to look at me, deeply searching my eyes. “You know he was wrong, don’t you? You are inherently special, and no decision or action you take can change that.”
I looked back at my hands and tried to stop the tears that were
filling my eyes.
“Avery, look at me,” he insisted
, and I did. “He. Was. Wrong.” Parker said the words slowly and deliberately, trying to make sure I absorbed them.
I smiled and nodded, wanting so much to believe him. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. “No more serious questions, or I’m not playing anymore,” I threatened.
He smiled at me and squeezed my hand, “You got it.”
I was much quicker the next two stops, extra motivated not to be on the receiving end of the questions. I asked Parker what he was like in high school and how he decided on going into the military. He told me that he was the average jock who loved sports. He knew his parents would be strapped sending him to college, so he really worked hard in school and applied to every type of scholarship out there.
“I never really thought about the military, but when I saw they did medical scholarships, I went ahead and applied. My fitness abilities and test scores got me in, and the rest is history.”
The next stop was rigged, because my card said, “sour skittles” and they only had original and tropical. I tried to declare a miss-deal, but Parker refused, happily eating his Milky Way.
“Now it’s my turn,” he said grinning. “What were you like in high school?”
I visibly relaxed, much more comfortable answering this question than I was the earlier one. “Nothing special, really. I joined the cross country team my sophomore year and between that and school, I stayed pretty busy.”
“Any serious boyfriends?”
I looked at him with a grin. “That’s two questions.”
“Humor me.”
“No, no boyfriends. Guys really weren’t that interested in me and honestly, I was too focused on just getting out of there to mess with any of it.”