Shattered & Scarred: The Sacred Hearts MC (24 page)

“I hit the floor, all this glass and booze and shit raining down on top of me. My mom took two hits in the initial onslaught. Hit her…” he choked on a strangled sob.

“Hit her heart. She was dead before she hit the floor.” He looked at me and his loss was sharp, agony radiated from his dark eyes and I waved at him.

“
C’m ‘ere.” I said and he just sort of fell over sideways on the bench laying his head in my lap, looking out over the water. I smoothed his chin length hair out of his face while his tears soaked the top of my leg.

“So why are you mad at me?” I asked.

“I’m not.” He sniffed. “You’re just small like her. I don’t know, if I had to guess, I’d say I was tryin’ to scare you away from this mess. I don’t think you need to get hurt anymore.” I was quiet. “I know it doesn’t make any sense…” he said.

“Actually it does.” I said softly.
It was a child like mentality or logic but grief does funny things to people, especially when a parent is involved. For years I secretly harbored the belief that my bad grades had stressed my mom out which was what had allowed the cancer to win. It’s what had turned me into an instant over achiever. Like by getting better grades, going to college, I would somehow atone for the bad grades that had helped end her.

Stupid? As an adult, yes… but as a confused child that had just lost her only parent it had made perfect sense at the time. By the time I had reached high school I had just wanted to keep busy, keep my honors status and thought by doing so I would make my mother proud where ever she was. My success was how I measured being a good daughter for my dead mother, and then it became all about being a good wife for Chadwick.

Now… with Ethan’s help, I was figuring out how to live for me, love for me, and just be a better me for me. That didn’t mean I had to stop being there for other people or doing things for other people and with that realization some of the shattered shards of me fell back into place.

“How can you get it when I don’t even get it myself?” he asked, and sniffed.

“Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual Dray, plus I’ve had a little more time to figure some things out.” I said softly. I was definitely living proof of that. The rustle of cloth had me turning my attention to the doorway. Ethan stood there glowering. I smiled faintly.

You okay?
He mouthed in my direction and I smiled genuinely and nodded my head. Dray sighed, he hadn’t noticed Ethan yet, his dark eyes troubled and far away as he looked out over the water. I was still petting his hair and startled when I realized how soft it was.

“
I should have done something, anything that day.” He said, the guilt lacing his voice a caustic thing. Eating away at him.

“So what
? Your father could be here mourning two deaths instead of one?” I asked softly. Dray jolted at the harshness in my tone.

“Your father loves you Dray. More than you probably realize. He’s proud of you, but hearing you talk, I think you two just don’t know how to relate to one another.” He shook with a fresh sob and more tears wet my leg.

“He won’t talk about her with me. I need that.” The younger man said.

I looked up and over startled at a soft swear.
Dragon stood just behind Ethan and I frowned. Dray sat up startled and I could tell it hurt.

“Easy.” I said.

“Sorry.” He said and looked embarrassed, “Look what I did and here you are listening to me spill my guts like a fucking pansy.”

“Do you feel better?” I asked as he raked a forearm over his eyes.

“Yeah.” He said startled.

“Then that’s all that matters.” I said softly and stood up. I went and took Ethan’s hand, my cup of coffee in the other and stood square in front of Dragon.

“You and your son need to talk.” I said pointedly and dragged Ethan back into the cabin.

“What was that?” he asked me once we were safely out of earshot and in the kitchen.

“Do you trust me?” I asked him softly.

“Yeah babe of course I do.” He said.

“Then it’s none of your business.” I said and grimaced at how sharp I sounded. Ethan laughed gently and pulled me against him.

“I think we put a little of Reaver in you in more ways than one.” He said, teasing and I realized I really had just sounded like him. I laughed and hugged him back.

“I get it Babe. Some pains are private and for whatever reason Dray picked you to confide in.” he kissed the top of my head.

“That sums it up much better and nicer than I could have.” I said softly.

“What’s going on?” Reaver asked, coming into the kitchen.

“Dragon and Dray are talking on the porch, best we give them some time.” Ethan said and I smiled at him.

“Cool. I’m starving though.” Reaver said.

“I’ll fix breakfast here.” I said. The kitchen was fully stocked so why not?

“Mmmm Ashton breakfast, I’m down. Your cooking is way better than anything they got up there.” He sat down at the table and I glowed under the praise.

“What am I fixing?” I asked.

“Bacon.” The men said in unison and I laughed.

The rest of the day was spent sunning, swimming and reading for me while the boys went off and played with their guns and motorcycles some more.
I lay out under the warm rays liberally smeared with sunscreen all over and relaxed listening to Shelly and Chandra make fun of something a prospect did the night before.

“What’d you do last night?” Shelly asked me and I smiled.

“From the sound of it this morning Trigger
and
Reaver.” Chandra said and I was surprised to find my smile widen without a touch of embarrassment.

“Oh ewe! Change of subject quick! I so don’t want to hear about my cousin’s sex life!” Shelly said waving her hands in front of herself as if to ward off a nasty insect. Chandra and I laughed and if it was possible I felt even better about myself than I had earlier.

I knew that most people would be shocked or dismayed at what I’d done but I wasn’t around those people and those people need never know. I sighed contented and we talked about what we were going to do when we got back from the weekend. I craned my neck back and smiled when I caught sight of Ethan up on the deck of the lodge, looking down at me.

I was so lucky he’d found me.

Trig…

I was looking down at Ashton hanging with some of the other girls, her bikini clad body glimmering in the sunlight from the liberal amounts of sun screen she’d applied. God I was lucky I had found her. Taking her away from all the bull shit with her ex had been a good move. She was thriving out here with us, some of the bold and adventurous woman she’d probably been before the douche bag had gotten a hold of her was peeking through in some really unexpected ways but damned if I didn’t like it.

I’d been surprised as Hell this morning. I’d expected it to take her a lot longer to realize that what she wanted was okay with me. I’d struggled with a few doubts and worries in the beginning but the way she was looking up at me know had her words echoing in my head from the night before.

I’m yours because
I
choose to be yours…

“
Yo Trig!” someone called and I turned away from the sight of my girl reluctantly.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“You gotta come look at what Lucky’s done to his bike this is totally sick!” I went over reluctantly but what was said was true, the bike looked like a rat bike, which is to say something straight out of a scrap heap but to a trained eye you could see it was built for performance and speed and to keep on running.

Reaver came up next to me. I hadn’t seen him since breakfast.

“Hey man.” I acknowledged him.

“Hey.” He grinned and knelt down checking things out.

“I wanted to say thanks.” I said. He looked up at me and gave me a chin lift, the one that meant ‘keep talking’.

“For
goin’ easy on my girl.” I said he stood up and frowned.

“I don’t think Ashton would ever be game for some of the things I like behind closed doors.” He said.

“Yeah,” I said knowingly, “Which is why I’m saying thank you.”

Reaver grunted, “Dude, it’s no problem. I like Ashton, she’s different. Does the MC some good, does
you
a lot of good. I love her just for that. She makes me wish there was such a thing as second chances.” He shrugged.

“There are brother, her and me… we’re living proof.” He looked me over and nodded carefully considering my words and I wondered if he was ever going to get over Aimee. She’d been his high school sweetheart and had left his dumb ass with good reason. I sighed. He hadn’t let anyone get close since. I knew the story
, been there for some of it, but I’d never met the girl.

Reaver and I clasped hands and pulled ourselves into each other, but then he moved off. Moody bastard.

He was back to his smiling self at dinner. Squeezing himself onto the bench on the other side of Ashton, sandwiching her between us. Her leg fetched up against mine and her orange blossom scent wafted over to me, mingling with the smell of her sunscreen and my prick stirred in my shorts.

Damn. When didn’t this woman get me hard? I grinned as she giggled.

“You write yours yet?” Reaver asked me over her head.

“Yeah.” I looked over to the table where white paper lanterns sat. Everyone wrote their wishes and memories on them for the MC’s fallen. At dusk we all filed down along the dock, lit the candles inside and let them float out onto the lake.

Ashton fidgeted between us.

“Nervous?” Reaver asked.

“Singing in front of a few people is one thing, but doing it in front of the entire club is a
little
daunting.” She confessed. I kissed the top of her head and breathed deep her smell.

“You’ll do fine.” I promised.

“What if they don’t like the song I picked?” she asked softly.

“Whatever you picked will be better than silence.” Reaver said sagely, gnawing on a leg of chicken.

“You’re a friggin’ barbarian you know that?” one of the girls asked.

“Yeah but I’m amazing in the sack.” He winked at her and she rolled her eyes. Ashton blushed a deep crimson and I smiled.

“What does that have to do with anything?” the girl asked, but Reaver had accomplished what he’d set out to do. Ashton was too busy thinking about this morning to be too worried about tonight. I held out my fist behind her and Reaver bumped it with his own with a grin.

About an hour later it was the moment of truth. We all stood at the start of the dock. Dragon stood on the worn wood with Dray beside him and looked out over his MC.

“Every year for the last five years we do the spring lake run to remember our dead.” He said, and a hush fell over the crowd.

“It’s supposed to be a time of remembrance, but also of healing. At least that was what the council of five intended. This year, our fifth year I came to realize that for me, and my boy… A lot of remembering was happening but not a whole lot of healing was. It took a new member of the Sacred Hearts family to show us we needed to do more than just cover our hurts and keep on
truckin’, so I wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to Ashton Sunshine… Our boy Trigger’s Old Lady.”

A murmur went through the crowd and some applause and whistles. Ashton cringed back into me but I gave her a little shove forward.

“I asked Ashton to sing something for us as we sent our remembrances out into the water this year.” Lighters came out and lanterns started lighting up, held in everyone’s hands. Dragon steered Ashton onto the dock and nodded. She swallowed and took a deep breath.

“You were once my one companion. You were all that mattered. You were once a friend and mother, then my world was shattered… Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near. Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here…”

I recognized the song as one of her Phantom of the Opera show tunes but I couldn’t tell you the name of it. She led the procession down the dock and took up sentry at its end, singing into the dark.

“Wishing I could hear your voice again. Knowing that I never would…Dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could. Passing bells and sculpted angels, cold and monumental. Seem for you the wrong companions, you were warm and gentle.”

One by one we stopped at the end of the dock and gently set our lanterns to drifting out into the lake. Ashton sang on…

“
Too many years fighting back tears. Why can't the past just die? Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say, "Goodbye". Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years… Help me say, "Goodbye"… Help me say, "Goodbye"…”
Her gentle voice echoed across the water and the last few lanterns were set adrift.

There wasn’t a dry eye in attendance. Dray went over to her and hugged her.
Dragon began to intone the name of each of the fallen. His voice hollow as it carried out over the crowd and water. It was probably the most perfect ceremony we’d carried out to date.

Afterwards, Ashton found me.

“Hey.” She said softly.

“Hi.” I pulled her against me and smoothed my hands up and down her back.

“I love you.” She said, her voice muffled by my chest.

“I love you too B
aby.” I said back. We stood for a long time like that on the lake shore, just holding each other and drinking in the night.

“I don’t want to go home tomorrow.” She said finally and I smiled.

“What do you want to do then?” I asked.

“I want to stay here like this and have this weekend just be forever.” She tilted her head back, the moonlight washing her golden eyes out, turning them to a pale yellow imitation of themselves.

“Sounds like paradise Babe but reality awaits.” I sighed.

“Reality bites.” She wrinkled her pretty little nose and I laughed.

“I hear that!” Reaver said walking up with two beers in one hand and a girly drink in the other. He handed the drink to Ashton and held out a beer to me. I took it.

“Ashton B
aby, I have something for you.” Reaver said and my eyebrows went up. Oh he was fucking lit already.

Ashton laughed, “For me?” she asked, “What is it?”

“This here is my very favorite knife.” He pulled a slim stiletto switchblade knife out of his back pocket and held it out to her.

“I want you to have it.” He said. She took it and smiled.

“Uhm thank you.” She said blushing prettily.

“Reaver giving you a knife is like a normal guy giving a girl flowers.” I whispered into her ear. She giggled. I grinned.

“I will treasure it always.” She said gravely and he kissed the top of her head.

“Atta Trigger’s girl.” He said and I laughed.

“Come on brother. Fire is callin’ our name.” I said putting an arm around his shoulders.

Ashton was looking in the direction of the lake.
Dray was sitting on the dock with his dad, she smiled and turned to me and Reaver and we left them to it, me steering my best friend and my girl over to the gathering around the fire.

“There she is!”
A cheer went up around the blaze when we reached it and a smattering of applause went around.

Ashton blushed and tucked herself into my side shyly.

“How come you changed the words?” Squick asked, but he was smiling. She blinked.

“I only changed one.” She said.

“Yeah but why?” I settled her down into my lap.

“That was for Dray.” She said softly.

“What word did you change?” I asked.

“She said ‘mother’ it was supposed to be ‘father’.” Squick explained.

“Oh.” I looked down at Ashton who was beaming up at me.

“Good call.” I told her and kissed her nose. She laughed.

We relaxed by the fire and listened to stories. Finally we called it a night. As we were walking back to the cabin Ashton looked back wistfully.

“I really do love it here.” She whispered.

“We’ll be back in a couple of months.” I promised her. She hesitated and then smiled.

“Feels like forever from now.” She said as we climbed the porch steps.

“Naw, not that long.”

We cuddled into bed together and slept tightly entwined. In the morning I woke to Ashton already up, she was dressed in her riding gear and looking lovely, packing the rest of our things away into our bag.

“Sore Babe?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t but she nodded ruefully. I sat up and saw she’d laid out my clothes for me. I smiled.

Her hair was tightly braided over her shoulder and damp. She’d already showered.

“Gimme ten.” I said gently and kissed her.

Standing under the hot shower spray I realized how much I loved her, how much light and laughter she brought to all of our lives. She was shattered when she came to us but had built herself back up seemingly effortlessly over the weeks she’d been here. I was in awe of her. Not only had she done an amazing job putting herself back together, shit, she put several others back together to some degree too.

I shut off the water, squeezed more of it out of the ends of my hair and grabbed a towel. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel as scarred up and ugly on the inside. Ashton Grang- Ashton Fletcher was a balm to my tortured soul. I got dressed and found her in the kitchen, she handed me a cup of coffee.

“Thanks.” I grunted. I took a drink and set down the cup on the counter and pulled her to me. She laughed and resisted a little but I grabbed her tight ass and tugged her flush up against me.

“Do you know how happy you make me?” I asked.

“No…” she said softly.

“I thought I knew what laughter and light were,” I said tipping my head to the side, considering her, “But then you came into my life and proved that I didn’t know shit.”

I think she stopped breathing for a second
but then she melted against me, putting her ear to my chest.

“You taught me… You teach me every day what it is to live again.” She murmured.

“You and me ‘til the wheels fall off?” I asked.

“You better believe it mister.” She said, trying to sound tough and I laughed. Sounded like heaven to me.

Why, when you go out on a ride, does it feel like forever getting there? But when you head home, it feels like it takes half the time? This particular run was no exception. Before I knew it we were pulling into the lot out front of our apartment building. I took the bag off of Ashton and followed her up the stairs. Mostly because of the view. We reached our landing and I handed her the key to our door. She stuck it in the lock and the door swung inward. She slipped into the cool twilight of our place and I smiled.

Our place.
I liked the sound of that.

I followed her in and she stopped and groaned.

“I think I need a vacation from our vacation.” I laughed.

“Tired?” I asked her.

“Unbelievably.” She said.

I dropped the bag by the couch and set the saddle bags from the bike with the guns next to it.

“Go grab a hot shower babe, wash the road off.” I told her, “I’ll see you in the bedroom. Going to bed early sounds about right.” She smiled at me and went into the bathroom. I heard her peeling off leather and a minute later the water started.