Shattered & Scarred: The Sacred Hearts MC (4 page)

“Okay.” She whispered, and we finished the rest of the ride in silence.

Ashton…

“I’m just going to set ‘
em on the bed,” he said pushing through his bedroom’s door.

“You take your time going through things, get square and come out and join the party if you feel like it. If not, I’ll be in later tonight. No pressure either way.” I nodded dumbly and belatedly registered what he’d said.

“Something to sleep in…” I mumbled as he was headed back out the door.

“What?” he popped his head back in and I cringed.

“I forgot something to sleep in.” I said a bit louder for his benefit and waited for the yelling, the screaming…

“Use the dress shirt. Keep it, it’s yours.” He said with a shrug and ducked out the door. I blinked after him and sank slowly to the bed.
I closed my eyes while the room spun for a moment. Just so much was happening in too short of an amount of time… I swallowed hard and began to sort through the many bags our shopping trip had yielded.

Ethan had bought a plastic caddy for my toiletries to go into, to make it simpler to carry them back and forth to the restroom. I spent several long minutes loading it with what we’d purchased until I was satisfied, then I went and brushed my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror for a long minute and took the brush he’d bought me to my hair. I brushed it until it was only slightly wavy and it shone and then peeked into the hall.

I waited until it was clear and then ghosted up its length to Ethan’s door, shutting the door tightly behind me. I closed my eyes and felt torn. I wanted to be safe, where no one could judge or hurt me but I had to admit to myself the only person I felt safe around so far was Ethan… and maybe Doc and by extension Chandra.

I pulled out clothes and tore off tags, hanging things neatly in the closet while I made up my mind. I turned back to the bed and decision made, I set about getting dressed. New bra, new panties and it was amazing how much better I felt just with those things. I hung up the dress I’d arrived in, hiding it in the back of the closet, apart from my new things.

I trailed fingers along the crisp cotton of the dress I’d chosen today and told myself I really didn’t need to be brave. That I could stay here, in the room and wait for Ethan to come back and that would be okay… but I found myself picking up the dress anyways. I stepped into it and shrugged into the straps and with a deep breath, reached around back where I zipped it almost all the way up.

I couldn’t make it all the way, I wasn’t flexible enough in my current state so the top three inches of the zipper stayed down. I let my hair cover it and slipped my feet into the plain brown sandals
which hurt but I was used to the pain by now. Or at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

It was a white sundress in the baby doll style and fit like a dream. The edge was hemmed in white eyelet lace and the lines of it were crisp and clean. It fell to just above my knees and was more modest than what I had arrived in which pleased me. I found myself hoping it would please Ethan as well and that startled me.

While it was true I was afraid of this new life… I wasn’t looking to replace Chadwick with Ethan. I swallowed. That would not only be wrong, horribly twisted, it would also be completely unfair to Ethan. I sat down on the bed and sniffed even as bass beats began filtering through the wall from the common area of the club house out front.

God help me I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do and after so long, so many year
s of being told what to do, of being a prisoner in Chadwick’s home, I didn’t fully know how to operate out here. On my own… I closed my eyes and wiped away some more stray tears. A soft knock came at the door.

“Come in…” I said softly and realized whoever it was couldn’t hear me. I got up and cracked the door. Chandra gave me a one sided smile.

“Oh look at you!” she exclaimed, “Can I come in?” I nodded and opened the door wider and she slipped in. She lightly grasped my shoulders and looked me over.

“You go out there you need to stay close to Trigger you understand me?” she asked.

I nodded and turned around to pick up the white headband that had come with the dress. She snapped my zipper up the final three inches for me without being asked and I jumped but turned back around smiling, grateful.

“I mean it
darlin’. You don’t want anyone mistaking you for a club whore.” I nodded gravely and slid the headband into my hair so it would hold it back from my face. Chandra fluffed some of my hair forward over my shoulders and smiled.

“Look a lot better without all them bruises but you’re lovely.” She smiled at me and I gave one back in return hoping it wasn’t as weak as I felt it was.

“Ready?” she asked me and I nodded meekly and followed her into the hall, closing the door tightly behind me. I followed Chandra to the common room and was immediately assaulted by the noise and laughter. It was crowded. The sharp crack of pool balls from over at the table made me jump but I don’t think anyone noticed.

Chandra led me out the front door. A group of men stood to one side smoking and talking softly and I stopped short. The Sacred Heart emb
lem emblazoned on the back of Ethan’s vest seemed larger than life against his broad back. Chandra called out to him…

“
Yo Trig!” and he turned but his eyes weren’t on her, they landed immediately on me and something feral and frightening passed through them before being swallowed up into their depths. I’d seen looks like that before from men, from Chadwick even, but where the look from Chadwick had caused a slow curl of dread to constrict my heart the look from Ethan did something entirely different.

Butterflies swirled in my stomach and my hand unconsciously went there, smoothing down the front of my dress. Ethan looked me over from head to toe and back again and all conversati
on had ceased between the men. Chandra dragged me forward and my legs felt leaden but they went. I drew even with Ethan and looked up at him.

“You keep a close eye on her Trigger, now I mean it.” Chandra admonished.

“Yes Ma’am.” He said and took my hand in his much larger one. “Ashton you look great.” He added.

“Thank you.” I murmured, he turned back to the men and they resumed talking in low tones and so I did what I was best at, I stood at Ethan’s side as a decoration with no mind of her own. I listened of course. I couldn’t help that. They were speaking on details about a run. Where they would stop, how long it would take but were carefully neutral on where or what they would be doing exactly.

Ethan kept stealing looks at me and finally turned to me.

“I’m doing it aren’t I?” he asked.

“What?” I asked startled.

“Guys, I’m
gonna catch you later.” He said over his shoulder, “Ashton’s feet are a mess and I don’t want her standing here.” He took me gently by the elbow and led us slowly inside out of the growing chill.The music was loud and the laughter louder. He found us a pair of chairs at a smaller table and asked me what I’d like to drink. I asked for water and he came back with one and a beer. He settled across from me.

“What did you think you were doing?” I asked genuinely curious.

“Treating you like the fuckwit.” He said and I arched a brow.

“You’re worth more than simply standing there looking pretty on my arm while the grownups talk.” He grinned and I was struck by how straight and white his teeth were.

“That’s all right…” I said and he took a pull off his beer.

“Bullshit.” He said and I fell quiescent.

“What?” he asked.

“I’m sorry for arguing.” I said, “Of course you were right I…” he laughed and shook his head incredulously.

“Don’t fucking apologize to me for having an opinion Sunshine, you’re fine.” He leaned back in his seat and I nodded staring vacantly at the scarred wooden table top.

He sat across from me watching me and I took a sip of my water.

“Ask me something.” He said finally and I looked up startled.

“What do you want me to ask you?” I asked and he laughed.

“I want you to ask me something
you
want to know about me.” He said.

“Why did you stop?” I asked.
His eyes softened and he looked over my face.

“Because I had to… I couldn’t just let you keep walking. You were going to freeze to death, or
worse… Couldn’t let it happen Babe.” He took another drink of his beer.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself just a sliver of a moment of self-pity, just a millisecond of wishing that he could have driven right by and that I froze… Chadwick was still out there and I would be a fool to think he wasn’t looking for me.
That he wouldn’t do something…

“What are you thinking?” Ethan asked me and I looked up sharply.

“About what would have happened, had you not stopped when you did.” I said.

“You
ain’t gotta worry about it Babe, because I did. Okay?” he gave me a pointed look and I nodded carefully.

“You want to tell me about it?” he asked and I opened my mouth and did… All of it, fr
om the time Chadwick and I met to when it started to go downhill all the way up until now.

I tired quickly and it wasn’t long
after that, I fell silent. A shadow fell over me. I jolted and looked up fearfully, I‘d been lost inside my own head, but it was Ethan. He bent and scooped me up before I could protest. I sort of loved that he carried me like he did. I felt safe in his arms and could almost pretend for a moment that I was something to be treasured.

He took me back to the room and set me carefully on the edge of the bed.

“Ethan.” I called before he could duck back out the door.

“Yeah S
unshine?” he asked.

I blushed, I could feel the warmth flood my face.

“What is it Ashton?” he asked, voice kind.

“Um can you help me with my…” I waved at my back and he smiled.

“Sure.” He murmured.

I stood carefully and turned and the fabric of my dress parted smoothly. I turned to say thank you but the room was empty, the door swinging wide where Ethan had been. I shut the door and hung the dress neatly in the closet. I put my bra back in the bag with the rest of my unmentionables and hung it on the inside of the closet doorknob as a sort of impromptu underwear drawer.

I pulled on Ethan’s dress shirt and buttoned it and flipped out the overhead light. I took the side of the bed furthest from the door and was asleep before my head could even touch the pillow.

Trig…

Shit, that had been way too hard…
I thought to myself as I strode down the hall back to the heat and noise of the party. I kept visualizing the parting material revealing the smooth perfect skin of her back. It had been an exercise in self-control not to unhook her bra and bring my lips to the side of her neck which was so fucking wrong on so many levels given what she’d just been through.

I went to the bar and ordered a Tequila. Doc turned on his stool and looked me up and down.

“She all right?” he drawled.

“Yeah.” I tossed back the shot and let the burn go down, fiery but smooth.

“You all right?” he asked, eyes twinkling with laughter.

“Yeah.” I grunted and took a second shot immediate
ly after the first and grinned.

“Under your skin?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded and my smile soured.

“It’s about time boy
, and from what I’ve seen so far, not a bad choice.” He slapped me on the back and I closed my eyes.

“I’m not ready for anything and she’s
damn sure
not ready for anything.” I shrugged off his hand and Doc leaned back.

“Well like it as not,
yer in it for the long haul with this one.” He reminded me.

“I know.” I grated shooting a look over in Dray’s direction. He’d forced my hand in Church that morning.
Only way I could have her here and
not
be passed around was to declare her my Old Lady. Really it was meaningless, a formality on paper only, but damned if I wanted to explain it. She’d been owned by her husband for far too long as it was and I didn’t want that stink on me.

“
She know?” Doc asked.

“Nope and I’m going to do my best to keep it that way. She was owned by her husband for the better part of the last ten years of her life, she deserves freedom.” I didn’t want to talk about Ashton or club business anymore. I just wanted to go to bed which was tough as Hell with her in it.

“So what’re you going to do?” Doc asked.

“I’m going to find us an apartment, get her into her own room, her own space, then I’m going to help her find a job.” The world was becoming slightly fuzzy around the edges from the alcohol.

“Got it all planned out then huh?” he asked.

“Yeah.”  I took two more shots in rapid succession
.

“Good luck with that.” He commented sardonically and I snorted.

I got up and staggered down the hall, back to my room. I leaned against the wall outside the door and slid to the floor. By no means was I passing out drunk. I just wasn’t ready to face Ashton’s soft lithe body tucked into my own. I let the shots blur out the sharp edges of my consciousness before I staggered to my feet. I opened the door and the light fell across Ashton’s sleeping face. She looked like an angel and I felt torn. She stirred and her golden eyes blinked up at me in confusion.

“Ethan..?” her soft voice asked.

“Yeah Sunshine, just me. Go back to sleep.” My voice was rough with tequila and a jumble of emotion.

She reached out a small hand
and patted the mattress beside her and I felt my lips curve into a smile.

“You want me in there with you?” I asked, pulling my arm out of the sleeve of my jacket.

“It’s your bed.” She sighed out.

“Yeah.” I murmured, awkwardly toeing off my boots, stumbling as I did it. I almost missed it when she murmured…

“You make everything safe.”

I stopped and the taste of tequila suddenly went sour in my mouth. Me, make everything safe? Christ if only she knew how much I wanted to do some very unsafe things to her. I hung my head and ripped my belt angrily out of its buckle, unbuttoning and unzipping my jeans with more force than necessary. The proof of my desire for her springing free of my undone fly almost immediately.

I tried thinking of anything to get it to go down and really all it took was catching sight of the bruises and swelling marring her cheek and jaw. I looked her over one last time before I shut the door and got into bed beside her. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. Wishing there were just a little light in here for me to see her by.

It wasn’t long before she shifted, scooting closer to me. I lay on my back and she snugged herself into my side. Her breathing deepening smoothing evenly back into sleep. I asked myself, not for the first time and probably not for the last just what it was I thought I was playing at but like all the times I had thought it before
I came up empty on answers. Ashton twitched against me and I put my arms around her, gathering her close.  I sighed. I had a lot to do tomorrow…

When I opened my eyes,
for the second morning in a row, I found myself alone even though I hadn’t gone to sleep that way. I coughed and sat up, wondering where Ashton had gotten to now. I pulled on the pair of jeans from the night before over my boxers and leaving them undone, went for the bathroom. I needed to hydrate so my next stop was out to the common room for some water and like the day before, that’s where I found Ashton.

I leaned a shoulder against the door jamb and watched her move, wraith like through the room. A giant black trash bag her only companion.
Bottles clinked softly as she slid them in, cans rattled as she moved from table to table cleaning up the MC’s mess. Her expression was heart breaking. Withdrawn and solemn and I couldn’t fucking stand it.  I raked a hand through my hair and pulled it back. I fished in my pocket for a hair elastic and tied it off.

“Ashton, B
abe, stop.” I said and she froze.

“It need
s to be clean.” She said and looking lost she went back to picking up.

“Yeah I get that but it doesn’
t need to be cleaned up by you Babe.” I strode to her and she backed up a step.

“I need to do
it.” she said plaintively.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it’s normal, it’s the only thing I’m good for and its…”

“It’s what? What’s expected?” I stooped to capture her far off golden gaze with my own. She looked at me and her shoulders slumped.

“Yes.” She answered solemnly, “It’s what he would have expected.”

“It’s okay Sunshine,
” I said pulling her into a hug. She was stiff in my arms.

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. No one expects it out here…”

“…but we appreciate it.” Doc called from the doorway. Ashton jumped in my arms and I let her go, forcing a smile onto my face.

“That we do.” I said. She nodded but wouldn’t look at either of us and continued picking up after the festivities.  She wore those black workout pants that kissed her every curve. She
also wore a lavender tee that fit her like a dream. Her feet were clad in her new sneakers and her hair rode in a braid over her slender shoulder, a thick rope of auburn that I wanted to twine around my hand as I pulled her mouth to mine.

God damn these were some intense urges for a woman I didn’t even know! I needed some distance, clear my head… the big one.

“I’m going out.” I said abruptly.

“Would you like me to fix you some breakfast or coffee?” her soft voice drifted across the common room to me, barely audible, but soothing to my frayed nerves.

“Sure Babe, yeah. I’d like that.” I said. The fiery rush to get out of there cooled a bit. “I’m gonna grab a shower while you work on that. Okay?” I asked and she nodded and graced me with a watery smile.

This was going to suck so hard but it was totally necessary. I went back to my room, picked up my shower caddy and my towel and went for the nearest shower. I turned on the cold water as far as it would go and showered in record time.  I dressed in my last pair of fresh jeans, a worn but comfortable USMC heather gray tee and my boots. I moved my wallet and chain and my belt over to the fresh pants.

I sat on the edge of the bed that Ashton and I were sharing and propped my forearms on my knees. Okay. I couldn’t deny the total lust I was feeling for Ashton but damn. She deserved a hell of a lot better than the likes of me. I hung my head and closed my eyes. I was surprised to find that despite how hard I was kicking my own ass not to touch her, not to take her any place either of us would regret going that I didn’t for one minute regret picking her up off the highway, but man picking her up was a huge responsibility.

She was seriously fucked up in the head and I didn’t always have the patience required for
this sort of thing. Like it or not though, I was responsible for her and right now, the best thing I could do was get her out of the club. I was starting on that today. I sat up and there she was standing in the doorway, plate of food in one hand, cup of steaming coffee in the other. I smiled.

“This is hard for you…” she whispered.

I patted the bed beside me and sighed. She set the plate and coffee on the dresser and sat down obediently and it almost killed me to see it.

“Not why you think.” I said and
worry creased her brow.

“Have I done something wrong?” she asked.

“No.” I said.

“Then what?” she asked and I let my gaze sweep her pretty, if troubled face.

“I have a week to find us someplace to go, we can’t stay here forever.” I said. She nodded carefully.

“I have to be back to work this afternoon,” I added “And I’m worried about leaving you here.” I frowned.

“I’ll be okay.” She whispered.

“You sure?” I asked. God I wanted to do bad things to her. I concentrated on the problem at hand.

“I’ll stay in here if you like.” She murmured.

“Yeah. Unless you’re with Doc or Chandra. Use the nearest bathroom and get right back in here. The T.V. isn’t hooked to cable but the DVD player works. Anything you like to watch? I’ll go get it for you.” I searched her face and she looked relieved.

“Thank you.” She breathed.

“For what?” I asked.

“For not sending me away.” I blinked.

“
Naw, not going to do that to you. Now what do you like to watch?” I asked.

“I like musicals…” she said tentatively.

“What like Phantom of the Opera?” I asked.’’

“And Les
Miserables.” She smiled and it was a genuine one and it changed her whole face.

“Okay.
I’ll get them for you.” I drank some of my coffee and she stood up. She bent at the waist, one hand on the swell of my shoulder and kissed my cheek softly. It was my turn to jump.

“What was that for?” I asked gruffly, secretly thrilled.

“You’re good to me.” She said in her soft lyrical voice and she drifted out the door. I picked up my plate of pancakes and syrup, and followed her out to the common room where she returned to the kitchen. I sat at the bar and watched her move around the stainless steel industrial setting. She seemed lighter somehow. I shook my head and shoved a bite of pancake in my mouth. She was a good cook, and I needed to hurry up and get those damned movies.

More people filtered in from the back, no doubt enticed by the smell of food and coffee. I hit up Doc and Chandra and told them what I’d told Ashton. They both agreed it was best and nodding to the woman in question I went out into her
new namesake.

About half the day later I sat on the back of my bike and contemplated buying a real pack of smokes instead of this e-cig shit.
I figured finding an apartment would be easier but it was turning out to be a giant pain in my ass. I tipped my face up into the sun and closed my eyes letting the deep red glow of the inside of my eyelids suffuse me with the warmth the air lacked.

It was beautiful but still crisp out. Spring was trying like hell to come in but hadn’t quite made it to temperature. I started my bike. I had time to swing by the club house and only be about ten minutes late to work. Ashton’
s movies rode in the inside pocket of my cut and I wanted to give them to her before she died of boredom. I merged into traffic and rode, comfortably in tune with my bike, the road and the wind.

Once back at the club,
I backed the bike into its place and cut the engine. I got up and slipped into the dim interior of the club house and blinked when I was assaulted by the strong antiseptic smell of lemon cleaner. Three brothers stood talking in the entry way. Everything fucking
sparkled
…

“Trigger,” Doc called,
Reaver, my best friend, was grinning at me and Dragon, the man, the president himself, turned around; teeth bared in a grin of his own, nestled in his dark beard.

“Your stray’s been busy man.” Dragon said holding out his hand. I clasped his forearm and was pulled into a bone crushing hug. We slapped each other soundly on the back and I went back to surveying the common area.

“She did the bathrooms too.” Reaver said and I kind of cringed at that. The bathrooms here were disgusting.

“Where’d she get the stuff to do it?” I asked.

“Found it laying around, if I had to guess.” Dragon spun in place.