She's Asking for It! (7 page)

3.
  
Give Up Control: At this point, your partner surrenders to your control. If you have proven your ability to lead her where she wants to go, she will follow you willingly! If you haven’t, her self-preservation instinct will likely kick in and put a halt to things. This is why step two is so important!

4.
  
Accept Control: When she is ready to follow your lead, it’s time to have some fun. Recognize in her a willingness to accept your control, respond to her comfort and confidence in you, and take her on a journey she’ll never forget!

Reaching Her Special Spots

So what do you do when you are trying something new and you need to know how it’s working, but she just hasn’t quite found her voice? Every woman, even the most sexually inexperienced, find ways to let you know what they do and don’t like about your bedroom techniques. It’s up to you to be able to read them and act on them accordingly.

The key is to be aware of when there is any kind of change: in her breathing, her rhythm, the way she speaks, the movements of her body, or even just the general vibe she’s giving off. Think about the actions that have led to this moment when you sense a different reaction in her, store it away for future use, and become that man she knows you can be.

• How did the sex initiate? Had you planned beforehand to have sex? Was it after a romantic evening out? Did she come in the door from work, take your hand and lead you into the bedroom? Did it seem to come out of nowhere for both of you?
  

• What kind of things is she doing to you? Is she leaving marks in your back? Is she lazily playing with your hair? Is she biting your shoulder? Is she kissing you deeply? Is she nuzzling gently in your neck?
  

• How is she reacting to what you’re doing to her? Is she locking her eyes with yours and giving you hot looks? Does she seem lost in her own world? Does she pant and say yes, or kind of give you a kiss and send you on your way to an orgasm?
  

And speaking of orgasms, let’s talk about them for a moment. I’m going to move past all the clichés about faking it, and just give you the truth: your woman has probably faked an orgasm with you. Not everyone does this, but it is not unusual.

And honestly, it might not have anything to do with you. Because women don’t need to have a physical reaction in order to have sex, it can be easier for them to simply allow sex to happen, without being particularly engaged in it – and this holds doubly true for women in relationships. Women can enjoy sex without an orgasm and sometimes, making the effort and putting on the show makes sex even better!

It could be that she is really into the sex you’re having, but her body is telling her otherwise. Sex, especially really good sex, can be a lot of physical exertion! When this happens, it can be easier simply to fake an orgasm and be done with it than to make you go through a whole production to try to achieve something we know is not going to happen; it’s also less awkward than telling you simply to stop, because we’re aware of how that might be misconstrued when it’s really not your fault at all.

The other reason why women fake orgasms is because they know there is just no way on earth you’re going to get them to have one. Your timing is off, your technique is not doing it for them or you’re simply not working in the sexual compatibility zone in that moment. This is not necessarily your fault. In fact, most times it’s not your fault at all! But it does happen, and again, it’s simply easier to fake it.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret here – here are some tips that can help you figure out if your woman is experiencing the real thing, or making it look nice for you.

1. Porn noises: If your woman is naturally vocal in bed, I assure you those noises are involuntarily, even if she’s aware she’s making them. Therefore, I suggest you listen to them. If they’re not sounding like their usual pitch, or tone; if she’s sounding more like a porn star than like a woman in the throes of passion, she’s faking it.
   

1. Pushing your buttons: In any long-term relationship, each partner knows one little trick that immediately sets the other person into a tailspin of pleasure that crash lands in orgasm. If out of the blue she pulls out all the stops to get you to come, it’s usually because she’s ready for the sex to be over but she loves you enough not to push you off and get out of bed.
   

1. “Silent” orgasms. There you are, having sex with your ladylove, and all of a sudden you feel that she’s kind of just lying there. Ask her, and she’ll say she’s had an orgasm, and is spent. If you partner’s orgasms is that unnoticeable, even if she is having a real one, you’re not getting something right.
   

1. LOUD orgasms. If your partner sounds like Meg Ryan in the deli scene of
   When Harry Met Sally
   , she might be faking it. If this is her regular routine then you already know by now that she’s the seriously vocal type. If it comes from out of the blue, though, she’s either faking or you have really hit the
   right
   spot! You see, there is a place from where orgasm sounds come, and it’s not a place one would call upon consciously. If her loud orgasms make you orgasm, that’s a win in her book. If she comes, and then you come, and she hops out of bed to check her email or walk the dog, she probably faked it.
   

All the Right Moves

I think we’ve shared enough about orgasms; this isn’t Oprah! So, now that I’ve got you all hyped up and extremely aware of the need to please your woman, let’s go about succeeding at it. Let’s get down to brass tacks.

I’m going to appeal to your problem-fixing nature and give you some serious, real-world tips on knowing your woman better, figuring out how to satisfy her and experimenting with your new-found sexual assertiveness. Fasten your seat belt!

If your partner has said absolutely nothing to you about it, but you want to find out if she wants you to be more sexually assertive, there are two ways to play it so that you’ll have a pretty good idea, one way or the other. The first is relatively easy; the second might just be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever tried in bed.

The easiest way, although it might be difficult for you at the start, is to plan out, all by yourself, a “spontaneous” moment of passion. This can be pretty tricky. You want to catch her off guard and see how she reacts to your passionate ravishing, but you don’t want to choose a time when she’s going to glare at you and ask you if you have lost your mind. In the interest of clarity, I’ll go ahead and give you some straightforward pointers on the right and wrong times.

Right time: Immediately after you get home from a formal function. She’s feeling devastatingly beautiful, you’re looking fine, and you’ve been in a relatively uptight setting all night. Drop some hints about how much you want her throughout the evening. If she bites, start making out heavily as soon as you get your key in the door – even sooner, maybe in the car on the way home. If she tells you to shut up or gives you the “knock it off” look when you’re dropping hints then let it go and try another time. She might be feeling a bit too uptight, particularly if it is her family or boss who you’re with at the function.

Wrong time: When she’s in grungy clothes and cleaning or organizing anything in the house. Stay away.

Wrong time: After your boys’ night out. She’s going to think you had too much to drink, saw some hot chick and got all randy.

Toss-up: After her night out with the girls. If it was a bitching session, she’s feeling the sister love and will not want to be manhandled by you. But if the bitching session reminded her why she loves you so much, she’ll want you to the big man in her life and whisk her into the bedroom. Also, she might have been prowling around with her girls and is feeling gorgeous and sexy, and will want to be ravished by you. You’re going to have to feel this one out on your own.

Right time: This one works if you’re a bit shy. When you’re in the house, doing something together, you can start talking about how much you love it when you do whatever it is you’re doing – but from a passionate perspective. This is a way to let a romantic notion become the impetus for a passionate, assertive move on your part. Talk about how much it turns you on that you’re this great couple that’s solid, and you love how much you can depend on that, and how nothing turns you on more than when you’re spending time together, because it makes you think about growing old with her … you get the idea. Take her in your arms, be passionate, and be a total man as you whisk her away to the bedroom. Sounds weird, I know, but it taps into the true alpha male vibe we love, what with you being the strong, manly provider who loves home and hearth.

Wrong time: After you’ve had any kind of relationship discussion, argument or disagreement of any kind. She’s going to see it as a power move, and not the kind that turns her on! Or, she’ll see it as your way of apologizing, and she’ll complain that sex doesn’t solve everything.

Do you get the idea here? The right times are when you are on the same wave length, are communicating well and are feeling that spark of true love for each other. The wrong times are when you’re misreading her vibes, not aware of what she might be thinking, or while the air is still thick with disagreement.

By initiating a bit of spontaneous sexual activity – whether it’s a hot make-out session, oral pleasure or full-on intercourse – you’re able to show some sexual assertiveness to which she will definitely respond. What you need to watch out for is how you make your move!

If she rejects you outright, laugh it off and joke about how you’ll get her later, or that she’s all yours in bed tonight. Make an alpha male comment; now is not the time to apologize like you’ve done something seriously wrong. You haven’t, and if you back down now, she won’t forget it.

If she lets you lead her, but she doesn’t seem over-enthusiastic, she’s “giving you” sex. It’s something that women do sometimes; we know that men have different needs, and approach sex from a different point of view. Therefore, there are times we’re phoning it in because we know you’re simply responding to a sexual need.

I know that little bombshell may come as a surprise to some of you guys, but for the overwhelming majority of women, it rings very true. Don’t dwell on it; but recognize the signs, because it will tell you if your partner is misreading your attempts at assertiveness.

Finally, if she frantically undresses and is grabbing at your clothes and has a monster of an orgasm, it should be easy to tell that she’s into it, and you should keep the spontaneous vibe going and add to it with some dominating moves (which we’ll go over in the last section of this book).

When you are on the same wavelength, both of you will be much more open to trying new things – and not get too upset if they don’t turn out as titillating as either of you had hoped. We’ll talk more about rejection below, but for now I want to get onto that second thing – the one I said might be the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried.

It requires me giving away one of “our” secrets!