Shhh...Mack's Side (8 page)

“Yeah, well they don’t really know either. It could be hereditary, but I wouldn’t know that either because you don’t talk about your mom or your dad. When was the last time you even talked to your parents?” Colton yelled. “It could be caused by trauma. I don’t know that either because I know nothing about you. Something happened to you to make you this way.”

Colton dropped to his knees and took both my hands. “Don’t run, McKenzie. Don’t run from me. Please.”

I didn’t know what to say, but my arms went around his neck. Shit. This is why I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want him to see this part. The emotional pain was unbearable. I sobbed in the crook of his neck and he held me. That’s all he did. He held me securely in his arms without a word, soothing me with his hands, up and down my back. I cried. I don’t know why. I had experienced it before, but couldn’t really put a finger on why I was coming down like this. Hmm. Alcohol.

“How much did I drink?” I asked, pulling away. I started to wipe away tears and he stopped me. Kissing them away with his lips.

“Shhh…Too much.”

“You can’t let me drink. You can’t ever let me drink. Not when I am on my medication and not when I am off them. You can’t ever let me drink, Colton,”
I cried, letting his lips stop my tears. Damnit. How the hell did this happen. Colton kissed me, pulling me to the kitchen tile. I covered his body with mine and then kissed him back.

Flashes of the night before blinked in front of my eyes. Ugh. I knew I let him put it in my ass. His hand wrapped around my throat in the flashback. I moved his hand in real life to my throat, squeezing it with my own in an attempt to recreate how to do this.

“No, not like that,” Colton demanded, rolling me over. Towering above me, he kissed me with all the want and desire he had in him, and I felt it all. I tried on several occasions to vamp it up and make it more exotic like he was used to with me, but he wouldn’t let me. Colton made love to me on my kitchen floor. He didn’t have sex with me. And for the first time in years, I didn’t hear the wind chimes during sex. Maybe because this wasn’t sex and I wasn’t high.

Colton spent the night with me for the first time that night.
I spent most of the night lying awake in his arms, internally shaking my head, visualizing the things I knew had gone down. The frozen banana, that happened. The nipple clamp, chip clips. That happened. The spray nozzle. Oh god. That happened. Not the shower one. The one on the sink, where I sat, sprawled with my fingers separating my lips while the stream brought me to orgasm. Colton took a knife away from me when I taunted my clitoris with it. Oh my god, that happened, too. And he was still here, holding me in his arms.

We woke up and went to work together. I was happy. I was very, very happy. I knew I shouldn’t let myself go there. I promised after
AJ, I’d never let this happen again. I should start a plan. Like Kyle told me. Just in case I needed to go. I didn’t want to live in a hotel like I had the first time I ran. I needed a plan.

Colton and I continued the entire week as a couple. I was having fun, making love, cuddling, laughing, watching movies, showering together. I was in love, protected love. I was only doing it for a little while. I would leave before I got hurt again.
Get in and get out. Safe.

Colton went home on Thursday and I missed him. We talked on the phone until I felt tired enough to fall asleep. I slept. I slept without a nightmare. I slept without hearing wind chimes and Gia
’s little voice, yelling for me. I was resting again for the first time since I left AJ in Detroit. It wasn’t real, though. I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t get too wrapped up in this new captivation. I had to play it safe.

“You’re very cheery today. What did you do?”

“You sound like my mother,” I accused Lila, taking a seat behind her desk.

“How
was your week?” Lila questioned cautiously, taking the seat I should have taken.

“It was amazing. Everything is great. I was going to tell you about the competitions this visit. How Gia and me used to rule the roost around school. Even with the teachers,” I began voluntarily.

“We’re not discussing Gia today. Tell me about your week. What’s his name?”

“It’s Colton. A
ll right? Geesh.”

“The Colton from work?”

“Yes. That one.”

“Did you talk? Does he know things?”

“Things like what, Lila? Things about me being crazy and seeing shit that’s not really there? I don’t want to talk about Colton. Colton and I are fine.”

“For now.
Let’s talk about Kyle.”

“Kyle?” What the hell? I didn’t want to talk about Kyle. I wanted to talk about me and Gia. I had another couple months of material before I lied about that.

“Tell me about your relationship with Kyle,” Lila persuaded, crossing her legs and straightening her skirt.

“Gia’s dad? Our relationship was platonic. What do you want to know?” What was she insinuating? I studied her while she studied me. I hated when she did that. She was about to pull one over on me. I could feel it.

“Do you lie, McKenzie?”

I laughed. “Yeah, every day. So do you. So does everyone else.”

“Have you lied to Gia?”

I played. Whatever. “Yes. Lots of times.”

“Your mother?”

“Every time I talk to her.”

“Your father?”

“Nope. Don’t really talk to him
, though.”

“Do you lie to Colton?”

“I have. Yes, I guess I do. I just told him I liked his ugly tie this morning. That was a lie.”

“Sit down, McKenzie.”

What? I hadn’t even realized I was pacing. I sat back in my habitual seat, trying to keep up.

“Have you lied to me?”

I thought about it, looking past her, staring at the brass doorknob. “No. I haven’t lied to you yet.”

“How do I know you’re not lying?”

“You don’t, but I haven’t lied to you.”

“Is that why you want to keep talking about how happy
you and your little friend were growing up? Practically sisters, right?”

“
What the hell is that? Since when do you sound so condescending? You don’t have a right to judge me. I don’t pay you to judge me. I can get that for free.”

“Yes, you can.”

Shoot. Now
you
sit down. I hated it when she paced. I wasn’t allowed to pace, why the hell was she allowed to pace? I wanted to pace, too.

“You’re not going to lie to me, are you? You’re planning to see me for couple more months, tell me how much money you had growing up, how you and your bestie won numerous competitions, dated all the hot dudes, lost your virginity to the hot quarterback with his hair hanging in his eyes and his jeans falling off his ass. I get all that. Let’s talk about Kyle some more.”

“Fine, Lila. Let’s talk about a bystander that has no significance to my life whatsoever. Go ahead. What do you want to know?” I leaned back and crossed my arms, standoffish like. Who the hell did she think she was, anyway? I was paying her. And not to condemn or make accusations either.

“When did it change?”

“Excuse me?”

“Tell me how old you were when it changed from Gia’s daddy to Kyle?”

“You’re the crazy one. I don’t even know what you’re asking.”

“Fine, McKenzie. Let’s play games,” Lila spoke in an exasperated tone. She sat back down and looked at me with a patronizing expression. “Have you ever had sexual relations with Kyle?”

“The Bill Clinton. That’s low. Even for you. Wow, below the belt, eh?”

“Is it? Answer the question.”

I took a deep breath. This lady was a kook. “No. I have never had sexual relations with Gia’s dad.” My god. “Just because I said I worked to please him, didn’t mean I was talking about sex. Why is it always sex? Why must we always rotate around sex? He was nice to me. He praised me when I did well.”

“You’re lying.”

“Oh my god,” I said, standing. “What do you want from me?”

“Tell me about the first time you came off your meds.”

“I was sixteen. Why? I’m beginning to think you’re the one who needs therapy.”

“Tell me about it. Where were you? What happened?”

I shook my head and dropped to the chair. Picking up a paperclip, I straightened it and turned away from Lila. Running the sharp edge below my nails, I propped my feet to the radiator behind me. “It was New Years. I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to drink on my meds so I purposely skipped them the night before. It was Gia’s mom’s turn to host the party. I was scared.”

“You stopped taking your medicine and got drunk?”

“No. Not that night. I was too terrified to drink. Something was happening. I was seeing things.”

“Like what?”

“Like everyone was—they were happy. Everyone was the same. It was a new year and happy energy permeated from everyone’s skin. It filled the whole room, but I was still scared. I knew it wasn’t real. I backed away from the room of drunks. Backing into Gia, our backs bumped and she turned to look at me.

“
She thought I was drunk. She blew me off, telling me to go to her room. I was bothering her and her fun night. She turned back to Jake and sipped her vodka hidden punch. Gia told me to go to her room before our parents knew we were drunk. I stumbled away from her. Our parents wouldn’t know anything. I looked around the room of colorful people, having the time of their lives, waiting for a stupid ball to drop. Nobody knew I was in trouble. My mother and Melanie were dancing with a whole room full of people.

“
My breathing became erratic and I pulled out on my dress, trying to loosen my confined airways. Kyle put his arm around my waist, not knowing anything was wrong. He made a joke about all the drunk people and said something about the new year. I looked over at him holding his drink. I don’t know what expression was on my face, but I knew the one on his.”

“He understood,” Lila spoke. I spun around to look at her.

“Yeah, he did,” I admitted.

“When did you know?”

I shrugged my shoulders, but I didn’t lie.

“
It started pretty early on. I may have been fifteen or so. We were in Gia’s pool and her and I were floating around, talking and laughing. We thought we were home alone, and slid our tops off. It was my turn to fill our glasses and I walked in the house, topless. Not paying attention to anything around me, I placed the ice in our glasses and opened a bottle of peach flavored water.

“
I tried to cover myself with the two glasses when I turned to see Kyle standing on the other side of the island, watching me. Neither of us spoke. Our eyes did that uncomfortable locking thing where neither of you can seem to turn away. I watched his eyes scan my naked body, wearing nothing but a G-string bikini. His eyes slowly made their way back up, stopping briefly between my legs. That was the first time I felt that sensation between there.”

“And then what happened?” she asked.

“
He said, ‘You girls put your tops on.’ It was more of an order. I nodded and got the hell away from him. Something happened that day, that moment, that feeling between my legs, the look in his eyes, something dangerous.

“
I purposely watched him after that day. He watched me, too. Our eyes secretly searched each other out, behind the back of his wife, over the shoulder of his daughter, and out of sight of my parents. By the time I was sixteen, we had grown to touching, accidently of course. I’d purposely brush up against him, he’d touch my lower back, move my hair, things of that nature.”

“And when did that change?”

“You want to know when I fucked him, right?” I asked, cutting to the chase.

“No. I want to know when he fucked you. You were a child.”

“I was far from a child.”

“What happened that ni
ght? Was that the night you had sex?”

“Not really. It’s hard to explain.”

“I’ve got a degree. I can keep up.”

“I walked away from him when I saw the concerned look. He stopped me and pulled me to the garage. I wa
lked upstairs to his office with his help.”

“Kenzie, what’s going on?” he asked, closing the door.

“I—I—I need to go home. I need my medicine.”

“Medicine for what, Kenz? What do you need?”

“I have to go home, Kyle,” I begged, spinning in his arms. His lips were warm on my forehead and his arms felt good on my bare shoulders.

“I’m hot. It’s so hot in here,” I complained, pulling away.

“You can’t take your clothes off around me
, McKenzie.”

“Why
not, Kyle?” I asked, unzipping my party dress. I slipped it over my heels and stepped out of it.

“McKenzie, what are you doing?” Kyle rasped. He was speechless, but wrapped my naked body in his arms nonetheless
when I leaned into him. Something was happening to me. I had the strongest surges of lust saturating my every nerve ending.

“I need your shirt off,” I coaxed, sliding his
jacket over his shoulders. He took over and I worked on his buttons.

“McKenzie, I don’t know what’s happening here.”

“Just don’t let me go,” I begged, staring up to him. His eyes were full of love and concern for me. Not at all like the ones I had earned from my mother. We hid those things. God forbid Melanie or Gia ever find out. It would ruin both of us. My mother’s career would be over if Mel ever found out about my little illness. And yes. I say that with a roll of my eyes.

At first she was concerned too, always checking on me and asking if I was okay. That dwindled as time passed, and when I did have an episode, she would say things. Things like, why couldn’t I be more like Gia, or why couldn’t
I stop with the whole bipolar mania crap. She was sick of it. Because I didn’t want to hear the hurtful things I knew she would say, I didn’t say anything. I hid away in my room unnoticed, studying, and turning into an overachiever.

Kyle never touched me that night. Not in a sexual way. He tried to understand and give me what I wanted when I told him I just needed to feel him. I needed
to be touched. That was the first night I felt high. I was so happy and full of confidence. I didn’t have to act. I could just be me. I didn’t have to pretend to be just like Gia. I could be me. The high that I felt while I swayed my body, rubbing skin on skin with Kyle, was unbearable. I was floating, dancing through the colors.

I moved Kyle’s hands all around my body, from my head to the tips of my toes. The emotional, tingling sensations I felt from his touch was heaven and I didn’t want it to end—ever. I tried to get Kyle
’s fingers between my legs, but he stopped me. He’d touch my ass and grind into me with his erection, but he wouldn’t touch me. He tried several times to not kiss me back. Sometimes he succeeded and sometimes he didn’t. He even moaned in my mouth once.

I blocked out the fact that Lila was sitting right in front of me and let my mind wander back to that time. Back to the time that I’d never told anyone about. No one knew what Kyle did for me. Lila was the only other person on earth besides Kyle that knew.

“
Imagine two people, one crazy, one trying to please the crazy. Imagine these two people lying on plush, gray carpet in the middle of the room. Both naked and rolling around on the floor in slow motion. We never had sex, and he never touched me down there with his hands. The skin of our bodies made the love. The sizzle between us, the tension searing when our bodies collided, and the pressure of Kyle’s knee rubbing my clitoris sent me spiraling, losing strength with every thrust of my hip.”

Kyle held my hands above my head and stared down at me. My mouth parted and my body trembled, feeling the surge of ecstasy take over my entire body. I shook below him, trying to tell myself this wasn’t real. It was real. It was so real and I wanted it to last forever and ever. Kyle gave me my first orgasm with his knee and just enough pressure to my clitoris. I might have that a bit wrong. I could have given myself the orgasm thrusting into him myself.