Authors: Deanna Eshler
Chapter 19
When I finally get home, Keegan and Gemma are up waiting for me. I walk through the door, already exhausted by my lecture from Luke, and there they are on the couch, laser eyes on the door.
Keegan is the first to begin the attack. “What the fuck, Shy?” she practically yells. She stands up and begins pacing the length of the living room. As she scolds me, her hands are flying through the air. “You and Luke? You said you didn’t like him. That cheesedick is
not
worthy of you. Then you start spending time with Kade. You not only get his mind in the game, but you get Gemma and me thinking maybe you can be released from the insane asylum.”
My mind is reeling. What is she talking about and why is she so pissed at me?
Keegan goes on about how I’m disrespecting myself and how she believed that maybe Kade would be the one to pull my head out of my ass. Gemma says nothing, just watches my reactions to Keegan’s rapid fire. After several minutes of Keegan launching all her ammo at me, Gemma puts up one a hand to halt the one-sided war.
“Keegan, I think we need to let Shy talk.”
I raise both my hands in defense. “I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what she is so pissed about.”
Keegan pulls a “don’t give me that shit” look. “You went home with Luke. Why, in all things holy, would you go home with Luke? You know Kade is going to be furious when he finds out.”
I drop onto the couch and fall against the back. “I didn’t go home with him to hook up, dipshit,” I say, in my most offended voice. “Do you two not know me at all?”
Sitting directly across from me, Gemma scoots to the edge of the couch. “I told her, Shyanne. I told her you would never do anything with him.” She lets out an audible sigh, smiling from one ear to the other, then leans back into the couch. Apparently that was all she needed to hear.
Keegan, well, she isn’t so content. “Why did you leave with him?”
Now I let out a loud sigh. “Because he deserved an explanation of why I freaked out the last time we were together. I know you’re not crazy about him, but I consider him a friend.”
“What did you tell him?” Keegan asks, sounding offended.
Keegan and Gemma both know I have issues with people touching me, and I’d even told them about the last time I saw Luke. Neither one of them have ever pressed me for details.
I drag my hands down my face, then lean back into the couch, on the verge of tears now. “I told him that I have triggers. When guys touch me, I’m no longer in the present. I have flashbacks.”
“From…” Gemma hedges.
“I’ve been with a lot of men, but I wouldn’t call it positive experiences.” I don’t know why I’m telling them this. I guess it’s the emotions of the day.
“Men,” Gemma repeats, concern lacing her voice. “How old were they?”
I can’t do this right now, or ever. “Gemma,” I begin, but get no further. Keegan drops down on my other side, on the couch.
“You were raped, weren’t you,” Keegan says, getting right to the point of this interrogation. “Shy, if that’s the case—”
“Don’t,” I snap, looking right into Keegan’s eyes. “Don’t assume you know my story or about any of my decisions. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t look at me like you want to fix me.” I stand and turn my back to them, wiping the tears away before they see them.
“That’s bullshit, Shy,” Keegan says, raising her voice. “You know damn well I have never tried to fix you. Shit, we asked you live with us knowing you had issues, and we have never once asked you tell us what happened. So don’t you climb up on your high horse and try to piss me off so I’ll push you away.”
Keegan and I both turn to look at Gemma when we hear her snicker.
She clears her throat. “She said
high horse
, and… well… you have a horse.”
I roll my eyes and Keegan shakes her head, but Gemma’s dumb comment lightened the mood somehow.
“Trust me, Shy, I know all about pushing people away. I played that game for a long time.” I can see her visibly swallow as she looks away. “You’re not the only one with skeletons in your closet,” she adds, surprising me.
Wow, she knows how to put a girl in her place.
“I’m sorry,” I say, truthfully.
“I know you are. Now give me a hug so we can go to bed.”
We hug, then she adds. “Oh, by the way, Max saw you leave with Luke, and he was not happy.”
Fantastic.
***
The next morning I’m sitting in my living room with the girls and Adrian. Adrian said the other guys weren’t up yet, so he came over to hang out with us. I’m hyper-aware of the fact that Max is alone in the apartment next door with Kade. I know he’s the kind of friend who will tell Kade what he saw, before either of them leaves that apartment.
And so, about thirty minutes later, Kade comes crashing through our door with Max a few steps behind him. Before anyone can say hello, Kade glares at me and asks, “Are you fucking kidding me, Shy?” I look up, making eye contact but not holding it.
“You went home with Luke last night?” Kade is yelling now. Everyone in the room has started to look very uncomfortable. Gemma reaches over and squeezes my hand. I just look down at the floor. I know it was dumb for me to leave with Luke, especially without telling anyone what my plans were, but I really feel like everyone is making too big a deal of this.
I see Kade’s shoes appear next to mine. I still don’t look up, unsure what to say, and a little anxious at his reaction. “You told me you have no interest in a relationship with him. We start hanging out, you get upset over—Jesus, who knows what—and you avoid me for days. Then I find out you went home with Luke. What the hell, Shy?” His voice is rising with every word.
I’ve never seen him angry; in fact, I’ve never seen him show any emotion that wasn’t calm and controlled. I hate it that I’ve brought him to this.
I know I need to say something but I can’t form a thought. My heart is pounding so hard I swear I can hear it. I hear Kade’s fast, deep breaths above me. I slowly lift my head to look at him, and I see his eyes are filled with both pain and anger. His jaw muscle is clenched and his nostrils flaring. The look on his face and the fury in his eyes is causing my chest to ache.
I finally decide to say something, and I stand. “Kade, wait,” I manage, but that’s all I can get out.
“Dammit, Shy, I was waiting! I talked to Luke last weekend; apparently that did a lot of good.” He throws his hands in the air and turns to pace the room. “You’re a like fucking rabbit, ready to bolt at any second. I’ve been giving you time, trying to let you adjust to us spending time together, before I told you how much I care about you.” Kade has started running his hands through his hair as he paces. His anger is a living being in the room, sucking all the air from the space.
My heart has sunk to the bottom of my stomach, and I know I need to cut him off and explain. I try again: “Kade please, can we go discuss this private?”
Kade flinches, as if my voice has startled him, and turns to face me then, his eyes takes survey of the room. He runs both his hands through his hair again. “Look what you’ve done to me,” he says, gesturing to himself. “This isn’t me. I’m a reasonable, rational person who makes logical decisions based on facts. I don’t act like this.”
Adrian steps up. “You
are
being a volcano-sized asshole right now.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Kade snaps, seeming to lose the control he had momentarily.
Starting to get pissed myself, I push back at his last comment. “I’m so sorry that I’ve made you
this,
” I say, motioning at him. “But if you’ll recall, I was not the one who came crawling into your bed every night. I was the one who told you to stay away.”
With wide, crazy eyes, he snaps his fingers and points at me. “Thank you for pointing out my first mistake.”
I step around Kade and pick up my purse from beside the couch. “I’m just gonna go,” I know I need to clarify what really happened last night, but he’s shouting over me so it serves him right if he feels bad.
“Of course,” Kade says, as he moves to stand in front of me again. “It’s always easier to run than to fight for anything.”
I take in a sharp breath, and my whole body jerks, as if I have been physically hit. His words take me back to when I was first placed in witness protection. I hated myself for running from decisions, and I still hate myself for never once fighting.
The tears start to form behind my eyes as I stare into Kade’s now-cold eyes. I don’t know who this is, but I don’t like him.
I duck my head and move around him again. I walk towards the door, refusing to look at anyone.
I have to get out of here, but Kade reaches out for me and grabs my arm.
“Wait, Shy.”
I pull, trying to get free, but his grip tightens.
“Filly, I’m sorry. I’m an ass, I know, but please don’t go,” he says.
I think his voice is softening, but all I can focus on is his hand wrapped around my arm. I have never felt anxiety when Kade touches me, but in this moment I feel trapped. I pull one more time, but he refuses to let go. I finally lift my eyes, letting him see the pain, and even fear.
“Please let go,” I say, almost in a whisper.
He releases me so fast, it’s as if my skin burned him. Just as fast, I watch the anger in his eyes turn to remorse, but my survival instincts have already kicked in and I have to run.
I hear Adrian yelling at Kade, but I don’t listen. I grab my keys and run from the apartment, leaving behind nothing but the sound of shattered possibilities.
Chapter 20
Once I’m in my car and driving away from that disaster, I let the tears fall freely, let the sobs rack my body. I am gasping for breath between sobs; it feels like there is no air in my car. In the back of my mind I know I can’t drive far like this, so I pull off into the parking lot of a shopping center. I pull my legs up, planting my feet into the seat and wrapping both my arms around my knees. I lay my forehead on my knees and just sob.
The overwhelming range of emotions, which I have not allowed myself to feel in years, begins to break down the wall between past and present. The memories of those men all come crashing down on me now.
Waiting to hear the footsteps in the hall. Waiting for the door to open. Hearing the sweet words that always made me want to cry. The feel of a mouth on my neck, at my ear, whispering in my ear. I can smell him. This one smells new. With his mouth at my ear I feel his hands slide up my sides, under my shirt. Every place his fingers touch my skin feels like it is on fire, in horrible pain from the flames. I want to tell him to stop. I should tell him, but I know I can’t. I have to do this. I feel his hands move down to my pants and he begins sliding my shorts down. He whispers how beautiful I am, and how perfect my body is.
I hate my body. I hate that I am pretty.
He pulls my underwear down with my shorts and I feel his mouth on my leg as he moves back up my body. I need to escape. My mind has to escape from this room. I run through all the things I have used before. My music, I’ll think of a song. As I am trying to think of an escape song I feel his mouth there, at the place where I know other parts of him will be, soon.
What song was I thinking of? I have to think of a song.
His mouth is moving up my body, over my breasts, where he takes his time. A song. I need a song.
Then it’s too late. I hear the sound of the foil packet. He is positioning himself between my legs and kissing my neck again. Telling me I feel so good. Then he’s inside me. I can’t think of a song. All I can do is cry.
I’m so dirty. I hate myself. I hate my dad, yet for some reason I still pray that he will come save me.
As all the vivid details engulf me as the sobs erupt even louder, harder. Just when I’m sure I will stop breathing from the panic and pain, my door swings open and I see Gemma drop to her knees next to the car. She immediately reaches in and pulls my feet from the seat and turns me to face her. She takes my now-limp arms and places them around her neck, and she wraps her own arms around my waist.
“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay, Shyanne,” Gemma croons in my ear. “He was just upset, Shy, you know he didn’t mean those things.”
I don’t know who she’s talking about. My dad? One of the men that came to my bed? “Who—” I ask, feeling very confused. The pain in my chest; I can’t breathe. How did I get in my car? Why is Gemma here?
I hear words. Soft words. Then a few minutes later I feel arms, strong arms around me, lifting me. I do what I’ve trained my body to do. I go numb. I feel nothing and I hear nothing. I slip into my oblivion.
***
I open my eyes and look around, trying to remember where I am and what day it is. Do I need to go to the barn? As I try to pry open my eyes I realize they seem to be swollen. From crying? Why was I crying? I feel someone sit on the bed next to me, then I hear Gemma’s voice. “Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?”
How am I doing? What is she talking about? Did I get really drunk last night?
Then I hear Kade from the other room: “Is she awake? Did I hear you talking to her?”
Why is Kade here? I’m so confused. I close my eyes trying to remember what happened. Then it comes back. Me leaving the bar with Luke, Kade being so angry, then me leaving and crying. That’s it. That’s all I remember. If Kade is pissed at me, then why is he here, wanting to know how I am doing?
“Sweetie, something happened to you, with you. It’s like you were someplace else. You didn’t even know I was with you. You were crying, just being so still. The only thing you said was ‘I know he’ll come this time’.” She reaches up and brushes some hair off my face. “I couldn’t get you to respond to me, and you were crying so hard. So I called Max. He came and took you out of your car, and he carried you on his lap while I drove us back here.”
I blink a couple times trying to focus. Everything is blurry, probably from my swollen eyes. Shit, everyone saw me like that. I know what happened. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it is the first time it has happened in front of other people. I had a flashback, and once again, I don’t remember anything but the details of the scene. I don’t remember getting into my car to leave, or Max getting me from my car.
Gemma interrupts my thoughts. “Kade wants to see you.”
“No.” My response is immediate.
Gemma closes her eyes then nods her head. “I know you’re upset with him, but Kade cares about you.” She pauses, as if trying to decide if she should tell me something. After a few seconds she lets out a long sigh. “He went to see Luke right after you left.”
I roll onto my back and rub both hands over my face.
Gemma continues, “I don’t know what Luke told him, we haven’t had a chance to discuss it. All I can tell you is that Max called Kade after we got you back here. Max told him how we found you, and Kade was back here in about two minutes. He must have sped the whole way. He’s been pacing the floor from the kitchen to the living room for the last three hours.”
I pull my hands from my face. “Three hours,” I almost yell, but it sounds hoarse. I guess my throat is sore from all the crying, too. “I’ve been out for three hours?” Gemma nods.
I sit up and lean against the wall, wrapping my arms across my stomach. This is all too much; people are learning and seeing too much. Gemma comes back and sits on the bed, reaching a hand out and squeezing one of my arms. “Please, Shy, let us in. Let someone in.” Then she stands again. “I’m going to go tell Kade to come back later, and we’ll all leave you alone for a while. If you need me, I’ll be here, just yell or come get me.” She looks over her shoulder and gives me a small smile then she walks out.
I hear her talking to people in the kitchen but I don’t try to listen. I can’t think about what they are saying. If they all thought I was crazy before this, I can’t imagine what they think now. I lie back down, close my eyes, and find my oblivion again.
I wake to the feel of arms around me, and a body behind me. I again struggle to determine where I am and who is with me. I move to get up, away from this unknown person, when I hear Kade in my ear. “Please stay,” is all he says.
I look at my clock and see it reads 1:36 a.m. My entire day has been spent in this bed. The events of the day flash through my mind again, and I take in a long breath. Kade’s words from earlier ring in my ears and I push to get up. I don’t want his arms around me.
That’s a lie.
I sit on the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees and face in my hands. “Why are you here?” I ask.
I feel his hand on my back and I arch away. “Shy, I need to be with you. We need to talk, but I know you’re not ready. I couldn’t be in my bed, right on the other side of the wall, knowing you are over here hurting.”
“Kade, just a few hours ago you were so angry I didn’t even know who you were,” I remind him, with very little life in my voice.
I hear him sigh loudly behind me. He moves to sit next to me, but doesn’t try to touch me again. “I know, and I promise you, Shy, the look in your eyes just before you left… it caused me more pain than I have ever known. You were afraid of me.” Now Kade moves off the bed and onto the floor in front of me, placing his hands on the bed, on either side of me, caging me in. I lift my eyes to look into his and I can see the remorse.
“The pain I felt at hearing you had gone home with Luke…” he begins, but I look away, not wanting to relive this discussion. Kade lifts one hand to my chin, pulling my eyes back to him. “I need you to hear this, Shy. Just listen, I’m not asking you to say anything. I just have to say these things to you.” His brown eyes lock onto my blue ones.
I nod, so he continues. “Over the past few weeks I’ve watched you, enjoyed you, laughed at you, and hurt for you. All of those moments were pulling at something inside me, something that felt connected to you. This last week, knowing you were feeling it too… that connection pulled me so close I felt you all the time. When I wasn’t with you, I was thinking of you.
“Then this morning I wake up, already thinking of you as soon as my eyes open, and I hurry to come find you. Instead I get Max telling me he saw you with Luke, then you left with him.” Kade stops and lays his forehead on my knees. I can feel the emotion rolling off of him, and I want to reach up and comfort him, but I remember what comes next in his story. So I wait.
After a minute Kade lifts his head from my lap and looks back into my eyes. I almost gasp at the pain I see again, on his face and in his eyes. Pain I put there.
I don’t hate him. I hate myself.
“Shy, I know I said and did things that hurt you, and I can’t take them back. All I can do is tell you I am so sorry. I’m sorry I caused the pain I saw on your face when you left. I’m sorry for whatever I caused that happened after you left.” Kade picks up both of my hands in his and brings them up to his mouth, kissing both of my palms. “When Max called me and told me how he’d found you, I felt… well, I don’t know how to explain it.” He pauses, planning his words. “I know that you are broken, and my fear today was that I had just shattered you.”
I can’t hold myself back anymore. I don’t care about what happened earlier. The heartbreak in his eyes tells me the truth. Those words were anger, not his true thoughts.
I slide off of my bed and onto the floor, into his arms. Kade doesn’t hesitate, his arms wrap around my waist and his embrace is my therapy. I can feel the beat of his heart, rapidly sharing a rhythm with my own. His breath on my neck is warm and not terrifying. Being held like this, getting healing instead of pain, is so new to me. It feels right, when all I have known from touch is wrong.
Kade pulls back from the embrace and grasps my face between his hands. “I think we’ve been through enough today. Let’s sleep,” he instructs, then places a soft kiss on my nose. I just nod and follow him as he stands and crawls back into my bed. I start to lie down facing away from him, my back to his front, but he shakes his head and turns me to face him. He pulls me down into the crook of his arm and wraps that arm around my shoulders. I lay my cheek on his chest and my arm across his stomach, and this is how we fall asleep.