Authors: Deanna Eshler
Chapter 41
It’s day fifty-two of life number three. It’s also Christmas Eve. Angie has offered to let Ryder and me join her family for Christmas dinner tomorrow. This will be the first time in many years that I will celebrate Christmas with a family. I’m really starting to love life number three.
Although I can say that I have made a lot of progress, there are some days that I still just focus on breathing. It’s been almost two months since the day Kade walked out of the barn, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. Many times I’ve come close to driving to the duplex to beg him to forgive me for not being strong enough. I want to show him that I’m better, and that I’m starting to accept who I am, flaws and all. I think about going, and I’ve even gotten in my car, but then I think about the pain I would feel if he tells me he no longer loves me. Although I’m stronger, I don’t think I could handle Kade Cross telling me goodbye again.
So, yes, there are days that I miss Kade and days that I miss Walker, and I look at my tattoo, and just breathe.
As I’m leaving the barn after checking on Espy, I see Angie running towards me. She is bundled tight in her winter barn coat, hat, and gloves.
“Hey, I got something today that I think you’ll be excited to have.” She holds out an envelope, grinning.
“What is it?” I ask, as I reach for the letter.
Angie’s smile reaches her eyes. “Espy’s papers.”
I blink in shock. “How did you get her papers? She was a rescue!” Registration papers, for a rescue horse, are virtually impossible to locate. It’s like getting a dog from the pound. You have no idea who owned it before, so learning its breed and history is just a guessing game.
“I went through an agency to get her, since I had no idea what I was doing. Anyway, the agency has been doing large animal rescue for years, and they often help the police with animal cruelty cases, so the assholes go to jail. In Espy’s case, the owners did go to court. All the documents were seized during the arrest. The case against them just ended, and the agency called me to see if we wanted her papers.” Angie is still wearing a proud smile when she finishes the story.
“That’s great, Ang,” I say, waving the envelope at her. “But honestly, I’m happier to hear the owners were prosecuted than I am to have her papers. I mean, it’s nice to have the information, but I’ll never breed or show her, so her papers don’t mean anything to me.”
Angie’s smile gets even bigger, and she winks as she nods toward the letter in my hand. “Check it out, Shy.”
Despite my protestations, we have been very curious about her breed, because she is unlike any of the typical breeds we are familiar with. So I remove the document. Across the top, it reads Lipizzan Association of North America. Confused, I look back to Angie. “She’s a Lipizzan?”
Angie nods, still smiling. I’m not sure why she is so happy about this, so I ask, “Are you going to tell me why you look like Gemma, with your huge smile and feet ready to dance?”
Her smile fades a little. “You aren’t familiar with the breed?”
“Not more than the name,” I say, still very confused why this is so exciting.
Angie’s smile returns. “Go home and look it up.” She leans in and hugs me, then spins and practically skips back to the house. I shake my head as I climb in the truck, heading home to Ryder’s.
After I change into warm and comfy sweatpants, I get out my laptop and Google Lipizzan. What I find on the first website is very interesting information. It turns out there are only around 1100 purebred Lipizzans in the U.S. The breed is very closely protected to ensure proper breeding and care. So the fact that I have a purebred mare, and her baby, seems virtually impossible. How is it that this girl slipped through the cracks and ended up in the hand of an abusive owner?
Although this is interesting, it doesn’t bring the level of excitement that Angie was exuding. So, I go back to Google and search some more. One link catches my attention. It reads, “Horse or Unicorn? Amazing Flying Lipizzaner Stallions.” I ignore the flip of my belly, and click on the link. After that one, I click on another. After some obsessive searching and reading, I’ve learned that the Lipizzan has the ability to perform a move called “airs above the ground.” When performed properly, the horse will leap from its hind legs into the air, then kick its legs out behind it, giving the appearance that the horse is flying.
A flying horse.
Now I understand Angie’s excitement. Recently she’d asked about my tattoo, and the necklace I never remove. I told her about the flying horse story.
Kade got me a flying horse.
Then I remember his exact words that night: “If you were paying attention, you’d know that if you tell me you want a flying horse I will go find you two.”
Espy’s pregnant… he got me two flying horses.
***
An hour later I’m showered, dressed, and waiting for a reply from Keegan. I just texted her asking for Kade’s address. I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I need to see him, now. I’m fully aware that I could get to his house and he could tell me to leave, but I’ve finally decided he’s worth that risk.
A few minutes later, Keegan texts me the address. She says nothing more, no questions, nothing. She knows this is a decision I’ve had to reach on my own. Keegan also knows I would not be going to see him if I wasn’t absolutely sure.
I send Ryder a quick text telling him I have something to do. I don’t tell him what, because Ryder would ask questions. Then I get in my truck and start driving.
Two hours later I’m sitting in front his house, looking at all the cars in the drive and on the street. Clearly they are having a party, or a family gathering for Christmas. Of course I choose to come for him at the time we’ll have a giant audience and I’ll be forced to meet his family and friends.
Then it hits me—Kade could have a girlfriend, and she could be in the house with him right now. I close my eyes and remind myself I’m stronger than this. I can go in there and tell Kade how I feel, and I can handle whatever his answer is.
At least that’s what I tell myself.
Chapter 42
His mom calls out, “Kaden, sweetie, someone is here to see you.”
As I enter the kitchen, I see several people are already staring at me. Then I see him, leaning against the counter. His grey eyes, which seem to be highlighted by his light blue button-down, are fixed on me. His expression gives nothing away, so I wait for him to speak.
“Kaden,” his mom says louder, “Are you going to introduce her to everyone?”
His smile, the smile that changed my life, spreads across his lips and releases the tension in my chest. He pushes off the counter, taking a couple strides to close the distance between us. While staring into my eyes, he lifts one hand and places it on the back of my head, then he pulls me near, kissing my forehead.
“Hey, Filly,” he says on an exhale. “It’s great to see you.”
I relax and lean into him, placing my hands at his waist. With my forehead pressed into his collarbone, I draw in a couple long breaths, then pull back. Our mouths are only inches apart.
The sound of his mom clearing her throat next to us reminds me that we are standing in the middle of a room full of people.
Kade winks at me and turns toward his mom. “Mom, this is Shyanne,” he says, while gesturing to me. Then he nods towards his mom. “Shy, this is my mom, Margret.”
His mom extends both of her hands and takes both of mine. “It is so nice to finally meet you, Shyanne.”
I furrow my brow and glance back at Kade, then quickly recover. “It’s great to finally meet you too, Mrs. Cross. And I’m so sorry for showing up uninvited. I can come back if this is a bad time,” I say, while taking in the faces of everyone in the room. Kade cringes when he realizes that everyone has stopped talking and they are staring at us.
Margret tugs on my hands, pulling me close, then wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me like I’m a long-lost daughter. “Nonsense, sweetheart, you are welcome here anytime.”
Kade gently pulls me from his mother’s arms and waves his hand in the general direction of everyone in the room. “Shyanne, this is my family. Family, this is Shyanne.” He tucks me under his arm and turns us toward the hall. “I’m sure she would love to meet all of you, but we have things to discuss.” Then he escorts me up the stairs to his room.
As he closes the door, I turn to face him. I don’t look too closely for answers, because I’m not ready for those yet.
He closes the distance between us and reaches up both his hands, placing them on either side of my face. He curls his fingers around the back of my neck and tilts my chin, so that my lips are just a breath from his.
“I’ve missed you, Filly,” he whispers against my lips, just before he claims my mouth with his.
Having been apart from him for so long, I cherish him more than ever.
When he pulls back, we are both breathing heavily. Looking deep into my eyes, he asks, “Are you staying?”
I purse my lips. He’s asking if I can spend the night? “Well, I have Christmas dinner at Angie’s tomorrow, but I can stay the night.”
He wrinkles his forehead, looking confused. “Let’s try this again,” he says, smiling down at me. “What did you come here for?”
I smile back up at him. “You got me a flying horse. Well, actually, two.”
Looking no less confused, he says, “Filly, I don’t even know how to respond to that.”
With a laugh, I realize I’m talking in riddles. Deciding to spell it out, I look him in the eyes. “I love you, Kade, that’s why I’m here.”
His face lights up, but just as quickly it falls away. Holding my gaze, he asks the question I’d been expecting. “Are you going to stay this time?”
“Yes,” I answer, without hesitation. “I don’t run anymore. I’m learning to fight for what I need, and for what I love.”
He touches his forehead to mine. “Thank Christ.” He lets out a long breath, and lifts his head from mine. “Okay, so now tell me about this flying horse.”
I spend the next fifteen minutes, talking fast and very excited, explaining to him about Espy’s breed. I even show him a YouTube video to help with the story.
“You were right about me needing to fight for us, and for myself.” I admit. “Learning to wake up every morning with a positive attitude, has been my biggest challenge. Oh, and accepting myself for who I am. Yeah, that’s not been easy either.”
Kade pulls me tighter against him. “I don’t know how. Loving you has been the easiest thing I have ever done.”
I smile, almost unable to believe that getting back together with him could be so simple. “I missed you,” I tell him.
With a crooked smile, he asks, “Oh, yeah? What did you miss the most, my constant recitation of facts?”
I shake my head. “No, not at all,” I tease. “Actually, I miss how you always wrap your fingers in mine when we’re cuddling at night.”
“Speaking of sleeping in the same bed,” he says, his expression becoming very serious. “Let’s get back to the point of you saying you could spend the night.”
I explain that Angie invited me and Ryder to Christmas dinner tomorrow night. He takes my hand in his. “Come on, let’s go talk to my mom. We can do an early lunch here with her and still make it to Angie’s for dinner. There is no way I’m letting you leave here by yourself tomorrow. I just got you back; it’s going to be a long time before we sleep in different beds again.”
I resist when he tugs at my hand, and he turns to look at me. My eyes fill with tears as I smile at him. He moves so that he’s standing in front of me again.
“What’s wrong, Filly?”
I shake my head. “They’re happy tears. It’s just that it’s been years since I’ve had a family to spend Christmas with, and this year I have two.” I don’t mention that my dad will be at Angie’s tomorrow too. I’m gonna need a little more time to fill Kade in on all those details.
“Shyanne, did you just say something positive about your life?” he asks, trying to lighten the mood.
I duck my head, embarrassed that he’s so used to my negativity. “It’s my new thing,” I tell him.
Eyes wide in dramatic amazement, he says, “Flying horses really are magical creatures.”
I laugh. “Espy has helped, but honestly, the things you said that day, well, that was the kick in the ass I needed. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been working on appreciating all the people in my life instead of fearing what could happen.”
He pulls me in so that our lips are just a breath apart again. “No Christmas gift, for the rest of my life, will compare to this one right here,” he says, then kisses me one last time before we go tell him mom that Christmas plans have been changed.
Epilogue
Six months later
“Kade, where are you?” I ask, feeling my heartbeat pick up.
“At the store with Max, getting the things you said we needed for dinner. What’s wrong?”
Pacing the aisle in the barn, I rub the back of my neck. “I just got a call from Agent London, the woman who conducted my interview. She’s on her way here.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense. They told me all the interviews were done and your past is not going to be an issue for my acceptance. Why would she need to see you again?” He asks it like I should have some clue.
“That’s why I’m calling you. I’m freaking out here. I mean, it was bad enough the first time around, I can’t do that again.” I’m pretty sure I peed my pants a little when I met with the woman before.
“Relax, Filly, I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Nothing,” I yell, cutting him off. “An FBI agent is driving all the way from her office to this farm.”
Max says something in the background and Kade quickly fills him in. I hear Max ask a question then Kade repeats it to me.
“So she’s coming to the barn now?”
“Yes,” I say, starting to feel irritated that he doesn’t sound as hysterical as I feel. “She said she’s in the area and she wanted to ask me some questions about the program.”
“The program? You mean, your horse program?” Kade asks.
“No, my dog program, genius.”
He tries to hide his laugh, but fails. “Okay, I’m sorry. I can see I’m not being helpful. So we’ll head over to you now. I don’t want you to be alone if she does start questioning you.”
Just as he finishes his sentence, I hear crunching gravel outside the barn. I peek out the end of the barn and see what can only be an FBI vehicle.
“Too late,” I tell Kade. “She just pulled in.”
I hear him drop something into the grocery cart as he’s yelling at Max to hurry. “We’ll be right there, Filly. Don’t answer any question you don’t feel comfortable with, okay?”
Sure, he can say that. He’s not so intimidated by agents that he wets his pants.
“Just get here,” I whisper-yell into the phone. I end the call just as London rounds the corner of the barn.
She’s dressed in the female version of a three-piece suit, with three inch heels to match. Perfect attire for a horse barn.
She extends her hand. “It’s good to see you again, Ms. Adams,” she says, sounding just like she looks.
I return her handshake, remembering I haven’t washed my hands since mucking the stalls. “Shyanne, please.” I don’t tell her it’s good to see her again, because… well, it’s not. She releases my hand, and to her credit, she doesn’t dust hers off on her pants.
“I’m sorry to drop in like this, but I’ve been thinking about you since your interview, and when I realized I was in your town, I thought I’d try to catch you.”
“Um… what exactly have you been thinking about?” I ask, needing answers before I have a repeat of the pee-gate incident.
She begins walking down the aisle, checking in each stall, as if looking for horses. “Well, when you explained the program you’re getting started here, I was more than impressed. So, I did some research on the organization you’re getting your certification through.”
“The organization I
got
it through,” I correct her. “I completed the trainings just last weekend and I’m now certified.”
She turns to look at me, eyes wide with excitement. “So you’re able to provide the services now?”
I nod. “Yes. Angie and I are both certified as equine specialists. At the training we met a therapist who lives a short drive from here, who is also certified. My dad helped with the business end, so we are now an official program certified to provide equine assisted psychotherapy.” I pause. “I’m sorry, can I ask why you have so much interest in this?” I ask, gesturing around the barn.
She bites the inside of her lip while studying me. After what feels like the equivalent of an anal probe, she explains. “The reason I was assigned to do your interview, as part of Kade’s application, is because I run a task force that focuses on the rescue and treatment of sex slaves here in the U.S.”
I feel a chill cover my body. I stare at her, only blinking, so she goes on.
“Part of my interview with you was to determine where you are in the recovery process. What I found was a girl who has never had a day of typical therapy, yet is doing exceptionally well.”
“But I wasn’t a… um…” I stutter, not wanting to say the words.
“Sex slave? Yes, you were, Shyanne, and it would do you good to accept that.”
Maybe a punch in the throat would do her good.
“Anyway,” she says, fluttering her hands. “Part of our job is locating services to help the girls. Some of our girls have responded well to traditional therapy, but most do not. This is something we struggle with every day—what can we do to help these women heal? Then…” she begins, but turns to look away.
“Then what?” I ask, anxious to hear where she is going with this.
Just then I hear another car pull in. Assuming it’s Kade, I don’t go to check. London, who is now peering into an empty stall, sniffs then turns back to face me. I see the tears she was trying to hide.
Kade and Max enter the barn, but say nothing. I assume we are a sight—London in her three piece suit and me covered in horse manure, staring each other down in the middle of a barn.
“Then what?” I ask, needing to know what affected this woman so deeply that she comes to tears remembering it.
Wiping away a tear, she smiles. “Then you show up and tell me your tale of the broken girl and her broken horse and how they fixed each other, when no one else could.”
I look away. Kade steps up next to me, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing my cheek.
“You okay?”
I lift my eyes to meet his and give him a small smile. I look back to London. “So I still don’t understand why you’re here.”
She glances at Kade nervously. “When you told me you’re starting a program to use horses to help others, I thought it would be a perfect program for our girls.” Another nervous look at Kade. “That is, if that’s something you think you would like to do,”
Kade’s arm tightens around my waist, but he says nothing, allowing me to process.
I picture girls who are rescued from slavery helping rehabilitate abused horses. It’s as if my life has come full circle.
“Absolutely,” I tell London.
Her smile is instant and huge. “This is going to be amazing,” she says, pulling out a business card. “I’ll work with my team and we’ll get funding arranged. You get something written up with pricing and we’ll make it work.” She hands me her card then begins digging for her keys.
Kade turns me towards him, places his hands on either side of my face, and says, “You’re amazing, Filly,” before pulling me in for a kiss.
“Christ, he even calls her Filly,” London mutters, then she looks over at Max. “Are they as perfect as they appear to be?”
Kade and I both laugh. Perfect is not something we ever want to be.
***
As London is pulling out of the drive, I see Keegan’s car pull in.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, when she and Gemma get out.
Even though all of our roommates graduated, they’re still staying for the summer. Keegan starts med school at Cincinnati this fall and Gemma has decided to join her to get her masters in counseling. Max is still job-hunting, and Adrian, well… he doesn’t know what he’s doing tomorrow, let alone for his future.
“Max called, said some FBI agent was coming out here unexpectedly,” Gemma explains.
I furrow my brow. “And you thought he said serial killer so you rushed out here?”
Keegan points to me. “I’ve watched those shows. FBI agents can be shady people.”
“Excuse me,” Kade says, indicating himself.
Keegan turns her pointed finger to him. “Oh yeah, sorry. No offense.”
“Everything’s fine. You all can go home and enjoy your Friday night,” I tell them. “Where’s Adrian?” I ask, realizing he’s the only one not here.
Keegan rolls her eyes and opens her car door to get back in.
“She threw her engagement ring at him again this morning. He left,” Gemma explains, rather calmly.
“Left?” Kade asks. We’re all used to them fighting, but neither of them has ever left.
Gemma nods as Keegan starts the car, clearly not wanting to discuss it. “Yep, he said something about Texas, threw his clothes in a suitcase, and drove away.” She nods her head towards Keegan. “Princess here refused to apologize so… whatever. I’m done with her sabotaging everything good.”
Keegan sabotages? I thought that was my thing. Sounds like I have much more to learn about my friend.
Gemma hugs us all and Keegan flips us off from inside the car.
Kade shakes his head and echoes my thoughts: “I’m so happy we are no longer the biggest source of drama in this group.”
Gemma prods. “You have to tell me what the FBI agent wanted. I mean, you know I’m thinking worst case scenario.”
I can’t help the smile that engulfs my face. “Well, it looks like Angie and I will be getting some clients from the FBI.”
Gemma’s jaw drops open. “What? How did that happen?”
I explain how I met Agent London and her hopes that this program will be a great resource for the victims she works with.
Hugging me, Gemma says, “I am so unbelievably excited for you. You deserve this.”
“Thanks,” I say, looking at Kade. “I actually believe that now.” I know now that embracing the good in life, is what helps us survive the bad.