Signs (3 page)

“
I started a new project in the lab
,” Caleb said in response. “
I’ll tell you after dinner
.”

Car rides could be awkward when there was a deaf person in the car. Carrie-Anne would always leave the radio on for herself, since there was no way of signing to Caleb and driving at the same time. He was used to sitting and watching the scenery go by, even though they’d driven this route a hundred times before. Or, since he had his iPad now, he sometimes checked the few blogs he followed, although reading in the car always made him feel sick.

Caleb sometimes wondered what his relationship with his parents would be like if he wasn’t hearing impaired. His mom had once said they’d hoped for a big family, with lots of kids running around, but by the time he was a year old they had a pretty good idea about the extent of his disability, and she’d decided to dedicate her time and attention to the baby who needed her, rather than try for more. It wasn’t long after that she decided to change disciplines as a nurse and move from the ward where she cared for elderly patients to retrain as a midwife. She claimed she’d never looked back.

Sometimes Caleb thought she replaced all of her “what-if” babies by bringing other people’s children into the world. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he did have brothers and sisters. He thought maybe his mom and dad wouldn’t be so clingy toward him if they had other kids to divert their attention. What-if, what-if.

They pulled into the drive next to the neat front yard, and Caleb stretched as he unfolded himself from the car. From the smell of things, his dad had made it home first and had started dinner. That meant one of the five things he was able to cook without supervision. Even Caleb was able to cook a wider variety of meals than his dad, but he’d learned not to push for more. Not since the barbeque sauce bolognaise disaster.

Caleb went straight to the kitchen and said hello to his dad, lifting the lids on the pots on the stove to determine what they were eating. Chili. That was fairly safe.

“
Do I have time to go for a run
?” he asked, feeling tense and wanting to let it all go.

His dad raised his eyebrows in question. Caleb rarely went running if he’d been to the lab. It was already getting dark outside.

“Is your mom coming too?” his dad said, signing as he spoke.

“
No. She’s tired. I don’t want to ask
.”

“Okay. Not too long, you know we don’t like you running in the dark.”

Caleb nodded, not wanting to argue, and rushed to his bedroom to change into a T-shirt and his running pants.

Running was a habit he’d picked up from his mother and hadn’t abandoned even when she’d started working more hours and lost the extra time she’d used to take him out. When he was a child, it was a good way of making him burn off surplus energy while his mom kept fit. Now it was time he spent clearing his head.

From the house there were several routes he could take around the area of the city they lived in. One took him through the park, but Caleb knew his parents wouldn’t really approve of him going that way when the light was failing rapidly. No, it was best to stick to the streets, under the cover of the streetlights starting to flicker on.

He took a moment to stretch his calves and shoulders before breaking into a loose jog, turning left out of the front yard and back down the road toward the school. On the weekends, when his mom wasn’t working, sometimes the two of them got in the car and drove out to Worlds End Park to properly stretch out and cover some distance. That hadn’t happened in a while.

Through the day Caleb hadn’t allowed himself to dwell for too long on the few messages he’d been exchanging with his new Tumblr friend. Now was the perfect time to let his mind wander to what the guy looked like, whether the two of them had shared interests in movies or books, if the guy would figure Caleb was too much hassle because he was deaf.

He thought about sex and wondered if his friend was having it. Those thoughts led to uncomfortable stirrings, though, so he forced his mind in another direction.

As his long legs ate up the sidewalk and he hit his stride, a faster pace than usual, he started to compose the next post for his blog. He’d wanted to talk about the art of photography for a while but wasn’t sure how to approach the subject without sounding like a know-it-all.

By the time he’d finished the loop he was out of breath, muscles burning, but he felt good. Caleb stretched again lightly and went upstairs to shower and change before heading down to dinner.

Over the course of the evening he finished two pieces of homework, made a start on a longer assignment, and drafted the blog post. Since he’d sent the last message to Luc-le-Beau he didn’t want to be the one to send the next one, even though their last exchange was a good-night. He didn’t want to look desperate.

Instead he cast his eye over the post about his photography and clicked the button to post it to his blog, then sat back in his chair and wondered if Luc-le-Beau would see it.

3. IM

H
I
,
HOW
are you?

Hey. Are you online?

Yes!

Do you have an IM program?

Um, yeah. I think so.

Cool. Look me up—Luc-le-Beau, same as on here.

L
UC
: A
RE
you there?

Caleb: Yes!

Luc: Hello, Caleb Stone.

Caleb: You full-named me. I feel like I’m in trouble now. Is Lucien Le Bautillier your real name?

Luc: Ugh, yes. People just call me Luc, tho. Like “Luke.”

Caleb: It’s a nice name.

Luc: It’s my grandfather’s. He died on the day I was born. Apparently he’d been dying for, like, ages, and he hung on until my mom had me.

Caleb: That’s kinda awesome. Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Luc: Yeah. 1 brother and 1 sister. Johannes and Ilse.

Caleb: You all got beautiful names, then.

Luc: Thank you :)

Caleb: How are you?

Luc: Good, thanks. Really good. Did you know you have your webcam on? ;)

Caleb: Damn. No. Well, there’s no point in me turning it off now. You’ve seen me already!

Luc: Let me turn mine on.

Caleb: OK.

Caleb: I have seen pictures of you before. You post them to your blog.

Luc: That’s true. I haven’t seen you before, tho.

Caleb: Yeah, I guess so. I can see you now, btw.

Luc: Hi!

Caleb: Hi back!

Luc: So, what have you been up to?

Caleb: Not much. I’ve just had to hand in two big assignments for school, so the past couple of days have been crazy busy.

Luc: Tell me about it. What is it about this time of year that makes teachers go insane?!

Caleb: College applications?

Luc: Ah, yeah. That. Have you put yours in yet?

Caleb: No, I’m still working on them. You?

Luc: I just did mine this week. My mom is making me apply to NYU even though I don’t want to go there.

Caleb: No way! I applied there too. NYU, Northeastern and BU.

Luc: I applied to NYU, UDub and UCLA.

Caleb: You want to move to the west coast?

Luc: Fuck, yeah. I wanna get the hell out of this city. This fucking state.

Caleb: Wow.

Luc: I’ve been through a lot of shit already this year. I just want a fresh start in a new town, you know?

Caleb: Oh, I can understand that. That’s why I applied for NYU—my parents want me to stay in Boston, but I want some independence, you know?

Luc: Definitely.

Caleb: Hey, I need to run, but do you have Twitter? I’ll find you and send you a message tomorrow.

Luc: Sure! It’s @Luc-le-Beau. I pretty much use that handle everywhere.

Caleb: Cool. I’ll find you, yeah?

Luc: Yeah, do. I’ll catch you soon.

Caleb: Later.

C
ALEB
SAT
back from his computer and rubbed the heel of his hand over his rapidly beating heart. He’d thought it might burst right out of his chest when Luc had said the webcam was on, but the other boy seemed nice. It was only a brief conversation, a friendly chat, and Caleb didn’t want to read too much into it.

But he’d been surfing message boards and blogs for a few weeks now, and he’d never had a conversation like that with anyone else.

It was like Tumblr and his blog had opened up a whole other world of people who were also hiding behind a mask of Internet anonymity. For the past few years, Caleb’s parents had monitored his Internet usage, restricting him to using it for homework or assignments or research for his photography projects, although he had to ask permission for that. He’d never thought of their actions as particularly strict. It seemed reasonable that they didn’t want him wasting his life online.

Now that he’d turned eighteen, his father had lifted those restrictions. Caleb had still asked if it was okay for him to start a blog for his photography. His dad had been curious at first, asking why Caleb even wanted to do that. Caleb told him to think of it like an online portfolio that would help with his college applications—this was what Mr. Andrews had told him. When he’d dropped his photography mentor’s name, his dad had agreed to the project.

And with a few clicks, the world opened up.

Curious now, Caleb dedicated himself to clicking back through hundreds of pages of Luc’s blog. It was a huge mishmash of different things. The band pictures, music clips, and song lyrics gave Caleb some idea about Luc’s taste in music, even though that was the one thing he’d never be able to hold a conversation about. There were also pictures from different TV shows and movies—Luc seemed to be into comic book movies, which was good, Caleb was too—and the odd personal post or “selfie” photograph.

From clicking through on some of these photographs, Caleb learned Luc sometimes submitted pictures of himself to other goth/emo blogs. Some of those blogs seemed to be focused on pictures of young, androgynous boys with dyed hair and facial piercings. Luc had a
look
, and Caleb decided it was quite beautiful.

From those other blogs, Caleb also learned Luc had his belly button pierced. For a while he wasn’t sure what to think about that. Then he decided it was very, very hot.

I
N
THE
weeks that followed, what had started out as a quick conversation a few times a week soon turned into daily e-mails, then multiple interactions every day. They followed each other on Twitter so messages could be exchanged in real time.

Caleb didn’t own a phone, but he did have an iPad. He set up a notification so every time Luc sent him a Tweet it would pop up on the front screen. It was better than texting. None of his teachers cared when he kept the iPad out during class or looked up something while they were giving a lecture.

There was no point in denying things between them were changing quickly. He thought of Luc as a friend already, wondered if they could be more than just friends. He didn’t really have friends in school and only a few at the stupid Deaf Youth group his mom forced him to go to. The thought of finding someone who was just his—not a person he’d been introduced to by his parents—was a strange sort of thrill.

“
Caleb
?”

His mother tapped his arm for his attention and signed his name in their “home sign,” a shorthand of sign language they used within the family. He was distracted from dinner, still thinking about the Twitter conversation he’d been having with Luc on and off all day. Luc had been teasing him in a friendly, familiar way about the fact that Caleb preferred Captain America to Iron Man. Luc said he related most to Loki, the dark, outcast youngest brother. Caleb wanted to know more about what that meant, but he didn’t want to push on a public forum.

Caleb nodded to his mom.

“
Are you okay? You’re… distracted
.”

“
I’m fine
,” he signed back. “
Tired
.”

He hoped she would leave it at that, let him finish his mashed potatoes in peace so he could get back upstairs and log on to his computer and maybe talk to Luc some more before going to bed.

Luc wasn’t online that night, or if he was, he was hiding. That was one of Caleb’s favorite things about being on an Internet forum—he could be present and interactive if he wanted or just sit back and watch the conversations if he didn’t. So he couldn’t exactly blame Luc for wanting a night off. It was still a little disappointing.

Even though he’d been the one to send the last Tweet, Caleb sent another, a good-night message, before he turned his lights out and rolled over in bed, hugging a pillow to his chest as was his habit.

In the dark, he wondered how Luc liked to sleep.

H
IS
PARENTS
noticed the change in him, Caleb was sure of that, but he didn’t tell them about Luc. It was the first time he’d specifically kept something from them, something important. They didn’t know he was gay. Caleb wasn’t even completely sure himself, although the way he felt about Luc was starting to clear the wool from his eyes. It had been there for a long time, this attraction he had to other guys. He had just been unwilling to put a name to it. Luc was open about labeling himself as “pansexual, heteroromantic, homosexual.” Caleb had been forced to look that up to find out what it meant.