Silent (31 page)

“Sorry, I know it’ll be boring waiting…and this isn’t exactly comfortable. But we probably shouldn’t talk too much, just in case anyone walks in and hears us.”

One of Seb’s brows popped up, and I burst into a fit of giggles that I muffled in his shoulder. “All right, all right.” I fought off the laughter. “I’ll shut up then.”

The lights must’ve been on a motion sensor, because they went off after a few minutes. I really wished I could’ve passed the time by talking, because in the dark there was nothing to do but listen to the sounds of Seb’s breathing and feel the motion of his chest rising and falling alongside mine.

Even in complete darkness he could turn me on.

I actually shook my head to wipe the thought from my mind. I’d promised Suzie, and I wasn’t scum. I might’ve made a lot of shit decisions in my life, but nothing like that.

The tiny strip of light from under the bathroom door eventually winked off, and I couldn’t hear any more sounds in the hallway. After waiting another five minutes, I signaled for Seb to follow, and we tiptoed out.

The building appeared empty. We returned to the stripper studio, where I paused to whisper a brief prayer before turning the door handle.

It opened.

“Fuck yeah! We did it!”

Hazy purple light shone in through a wall of windows and lit up Seb’s smile.

“Get ready to sleep in style. Nice bed, silk pillows…we fucking hit the jackpot.”

I climbed onto the couch and tucked a pillow behind my head. “Perfect.”

The only negative I could think of was that it was a little cool in the room…which meant it was a lot cooler outside, where we’d been planning on sleeping. That wasn’t a good thought, but at least we didn’t have to worry about it for tonight.

Seb crawled up next to me, bringing the blankets and draping them over both our bodies.

“Oh…yeah. It’s a little chilly. I guess that’s a good idea.”

But it wasn’t, really. He curled in close, his thighs brushing against mine. And he was still smiling. Shadows and light crisscrossed his face, accenting the sharp angle of his cheekbones and the slant of his almond eyes.

I tried to scoot away, but I was already against the back of the couch. Seb pressed in closer anyhow, throwing an arm around me.

It seemed like the most comfortable way to sleep, so I did the same to him, resting my hand on his hipbone. But I knew it was a mistake as soon as my fingers landed on smooth skin—his shirt had ridden up and his pants were sagging.

Seb stuck out his tongue and wet his bottom lip. It did look a little dry, with a slight crack running through the pale pink flesh.

Fuck. It was also a bad idea to focus on his mouth.

“Hey, you know what?” I moved my hand up to his shoulder and gave him what I hoped was a friendly pat on the back. “I think…I think that besides the morning part, this has been the best day of my life. I probably should’ve come here right away, instead of dragging you through my past like that.”

He took a deep breath and let it out. The warm air hit my lips.

“Well…um, goodnight, I guess. I wish we had an alarm or something to wake us up, but hopefully the light’ll get us.”

Lowering his lids only halfway, Seb pushed closer to me still. The hipbone I’d managed to drag my hand away from was now pressing into my upper thigh.

Blood rushed to my face and to somewhere further south.
Can’t can’t can’t can’t
rang out in my head like an alarm, but my body wasn’t listening.

What was it I did to get myself out of these situations?
A…B…C…D…E…
Fuck, that was never going to work.

I wanted him. No two ways about it. Wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life. I liked to pretend I was taking care of Seb for all the right reasons, but at the most basic level I was just a horny teenager, coming up with an excuse to be close to the person whose body I craved.

Maybe I
was
scum.

But why was he pressing in so close to me? Why was he still looking into my eyes so deeply from beneath his lashes? Why did he hold my hand and wrap his arms around me and act like he was happier with me than he’d ever been before?

I would never really know. All his secrets were locked inside with no way out…I’d never be able to tell how he felt.

How he felt.

A seed of an idea planted itself in my head. An idea that needed to be squashed, but the more Seb’s lashes fluttered in front of me, the more it grew.

If I could just
feel
him…see if his body burned the same way mine did…if he had the same urgent need in his groin…

Suzie would kill me.
I
should kill me. But what if this put the question to rest, once and for all?

I closed my eyes. Not to stop myself, but to make the moment less real. My hand traveled his body slowly, from his shoulder back down to his hipbone.

Don’t. You can’t. You promised. He’s just a kid. A special kid.

But he’s smarter than he pretends to be. He understands the things I say to him. There’s more to him than he lets on.

The debate with myself continued to rage as my fingers reached the waistband of his pants. I didn’t even have to unbutton or unzip…there was enough space for my hand to slip right in there.

Mere inches separated me from an answer.

If I thought I’d go to hell for jacking off to the sight of his body, this would surely earn me a spot in its most fiery depths.

I slid my fingers further south, brushing against his lower abs and the fine hair of his happy trail, then under the band of his boxers and down, down, down, until I reached…something completely unfamiliar.

Seb was uncircumcised.

The surprise caused me to pull my hand away quickly, and my eyes flew open. This close to him, there was no way I could avoid seeing the look of pure confusion on his face.

Of course he was confused. The person he’d trusted to care for him had just fucking
molested
him.

I’d never lost an erection so fast, and the heat of arousal I’d felt earlier rushed to my eyes. I couldn’t keep looking at Seb’s face, so in a way I was almost thankful for the blur of tears.

“Sh-shit. Shit. Fuck.”

I’d broken my promise to Suzie. Broken my promise to myself.

“Seb…I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The tears spilled out, hot and fast. Seb shifted to grab both my shoulders, and now he looked even more confused, his brow knit together and his mouth pressed into a thin, hard line.

It all hit me then. With my defenses down, every little thing I’d managed to tuck away or deny in the past several months came crashing to the front of my mind like the ocean waves, one after another and with no end in sight.

I’d been abandoned. I’d caused a fire. I’d run away. I’d taken Seb from a safe place. I’d turned my sister in to Social Services. I was out on the streets with someone who was depending on me and I really had no fucking clue what the hell I was doing. I’d
touched
him.

And I was so fucking sorry.

“I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry.”

Sorry. Sorry to Seb, Sorry to Suzie. Sorry to Mimi and to Star. Sorry to Greg and Eleanor and Ms. Loretta and Ms. Cecily and Brandon and Laloni and my mom and any other person I’d ever let down in my fucking excuse for a life.

Seb pulled me into his arms, and I was too far gone to resist. I crumpled against his chest, sobbing out some garbled form of “I’m sorry” over and over again. I cried harder than I’d cried in years. Maybe in five years. All sight disappeared behind the wall of water, all thoughts evaporated into a single word.
Sorry.

His arms tightened around me and he rubbed my back in long, even strokes. At first that only made me cry more, but after a while my eyes were too swollen to release any more tears. I lay in a weak, quivering mess, letting Seb rock me as my breathing slowly returned to normal.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that. It could’ve been minutes or hours, but eventually the silence calmed me and the storm in my mind settled to only a few persistent gusts of guilt. I gathered my strength and sat up.

Seb touched my cheek, wiping away some leftover moisture.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, my voice hoarse. “I…I can’t say that enough. But I swear to you, Seb, I
swear
…I won’t ever do anything like that again. From now on, I’m just gonna take care of you, okay? I’m just gonna be your friend and take care of you.”

He shook his head.

“What?” I pulled away abruptly, rubbing my eyes to clear my vision.

He shook his head again.

“It’s…it’s not okay?”

His lips moved, at first opening and then forming a small
o.

I sniffled. A second wave of confused tears was coming. “I don’t understand.”

He gripped my shoulders and pulled me close. His mouth moved again, but this time a puff of air emerged that sounded like “
nhhh
.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand.”

His fingers dug into my shoulder blades. And there was a new expression on his face—one I’d never seen before. His brows were lifted and his eyes were raised toward the ceiling.

What
was
that? Frustration? Exasperation?

“Seb, I don’t under—”

Lips collided, teeth crashed, and he kissed me.

Chapter 21: Whole

It was a forceful, bruising kiss. A kiss that knocked the air from my lungs and scrambled my brains to within an inch of an omelet. A kiss to make a point. But as overwhelmed as I was, I still pulled back.

“Seb, you—”

Lips stopped me from speaking. Softer now, he let his tongue slide in and caress mine before slowly dragging it out. My body quivered like a released string and I had to fight for breath in the stunned silence that followed.

“You…you…”

He kissed me again. This time, I kept my mouth shut. Or open, actually, so he could suck on my bottom lip. His shirt brushed against mine as he pressed in closer, and the light rustle of fabric added itself to the very faint smacking sounds of his active lips on my still ones. Warmth from the kiss slowly spread through my mind, thawing out the shock and allowing me to make some sense of what was happening.

This was it. This was his answer. Whatever mental abilities he did or didn’t possess, he’d made his own decision about our relationship. He couldn’t tell me in words, couldn’t explain exactly what was going on in his head. This was the only way he could make me understand.

And right now, he must’ve wanted me to understand my unformed prayers were being answered.

Thank you, God
.

All the shitty experiences in my life suddenly seemed so much less significant…like drops of water in the Pacific Ocean compared to this. I might’ve even chosen to live it again—even if it’d been worse—just to get to this moment.

I finally kissed him back, really gently, because I was trembling and I didn’t want to bang into his teeth. My eyes drifted closed as I sighed into his mouth, and with each soft exhale I released a little more of the dark thoughts I’d had about the fate of my soul.

Because I couldn’t be going to hell. Not if someone like Seb could find me worthy.

“Seb, I want you to know I—”

His hands slid under my shirt and I lost my train of thought. Long, cold fingers ran up and down my back, making me shiver deeper into his embrace. Every place he touched me burned—first from the icy contact, and then from some internal heat sparked by the pressure on my skin. I drew closer to his mouth and kissed him harder, imagining what it would feel like for his graceful fingers to roam over my
entire
body.

But I slammed on the mental brakes after a second, keeping my own hands safely above the fabric of his shirt. I couldn’t rush this. Not with him. Kisses were one thing, but there was a whole lot more we needed to figure out before we went any further. Besides, this was already amazing, and if these kisses were all there ever were, well…I could be okay with that.

Maybe.

On the other hand, I could just follow his lead. Let Seb show me where he wanted this to go. After all, I’d been making our decisions for a while now, without any of his input. This was the first time he’d chosen to assert himself, and it seemed like something I ought to encourage, not crush.

My fingers crept down, restlessly fumbling with the hem of his shirt…until he stripped it off himself to reveal pale skin glowing eerily in the light-polluted night.

He arched his back, stretching seductively, and my mouth went dry.

Jesus, did he know what he did to me? I was starting to suspect he did.

So many previously forbidden places were now within reach. His collarbone. The small of his back. The slope of his waist and the lean muscles on his stomach and chest.

My brakes failed.

I went for everything at once. The force of my advance knocked him to the ground, where I continued groping at any flesh within reach. His body eagerly pushed back against mine and our tongues clashed—and if that wasn’t a sign of support for my actions, I didn’t know what would be.

Air was barely meeting my lungs before I was panting it out again. I pinned him beneath me, pressing frantic kisses into his lips. I didn’t even notice him sneaking off my shirt until the fabric was whipped past my face. Palm spread wide on my heaving chest, he tilted his head as though he were studying the differences in our skin tones. Then he shifted to look me in the eyes, dragging his hand straight down my body and over my crotch. I bucked from the pressure, more sensitive there than I’d ever been before.

Seb used the moment of distraction to undo the button on my pants.

When my dick gave me back control of my brain, I took a shaky breath and tried to reevaluate where things were going.

“Really?” I blinked to the spastic rhythm of my pulse.

Maybe if I’d been a saint, I could’ve pulled back at this point…but lord knew I was no fucking saint.