Silent (35 page)

I scowled. “Fine. So maybe I keep some stuff to myself. But we’re talking about you here, not me. If you won’t tell me why you decided to hide…then can you tell me why you decided to open up to me? I mean, why after all these years did you choose
me
to be yourself with?”

Again, he pointed at me and turned the question around.
Why did
you
decide to be yourself with
me
?

My cheeks grew warm. How was I the one being interrogated here? “Um…because it felt…safe, I guess.”

He nodded.

“So then…I make you feel safe?”

He took up the doodling again, his lips tugging into a grin.

Some moisture traveled to my eyes, making his drawing all blurry, but I covered it with laughter. “I make you feel safe. I think I really like that.”

I leaned against the concrete wall, pulling Seb between my legs so he could rest on me. He flipped to a fresh page and kept drawing.

I watched each stroke, completely entranced by this new glimpse into his mind. Slanted, almond eyes appeared. Then he added sharp cheekbones and an angular jaw in an oval face, surrounded by long, dark hair.

“Who’s that?”

He ran a finger over the drawing, smiling fondly.

“Your mom?”

His hair bounced as he nodded.

I tightened my arms around his chest and hugged him close. “You know, Laloni said something once…about uh, special needs kids. Do you think you not being able to talk is why she…abandoned you?”

He whirled around to face me, eyes boiling with fury.
She didn’t abandon me!

“Okay, okay.” I scraped my back on the wall as I edged away. “Sorry. I just thought…” His eyes blazed even fiercer. “Never mind. So she didn’t abandon you. What happened, then? How’d you end up in foster care? They took you from her?”

He turned away again and added a few more strands of hair to her picture, swirling them around her neck and shoulders. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down restlessly, and even though he didn’t look at me, I could see the grief in his slumped shoulders.

She died.

“Shit. I’m sorry, Seb.” I kissed his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

He started to draw spirals, the pencil spinning out in wider and wider circles and overlapping his mother’s face.

“Were you really young when it happened?”

Yes.

“And then you went straight into foster care? Didn’t have anyone else to take you in?”

He didn’t answer.

“Seb? Did you go straight into foster care after she died?”

Still no response, but the spirals on his page grew darker as he crossed the same spaces over and over again.

“Were things always…okay for you after she died? I mean, like they were at Ms. Loretta’s?”

A larger spiral took over all the smaller ones. His pencil moved faster and faster until the picture resembled a black hole.

I didn’t know why I was pressing him when he was so clearly upset, but I didn’t stop. Something had crawled into my stomach—besides the two-day-old tamales—and it lay there heavily, making me sick. “Seb”—my voice sunk to a whisper—“did anyone ever…hurt you?”

No answer. Then, with a
splat
, a pool of liquid appeared in the black hole. It seeped into the paper and smeared the lead into an even darker circle.

“Seb?”

Splat.
Another tear fell. And then another.

I crawled around him and gently took the notebook and pencil from his hands. I’d already known, somehow, even before I’d asked. And I hadn’t really wanted the answer.

As I gathered him into my arms, I tried not to think about all the horrible things that might happen to a little boy when no one could hear him scream.

“Shh, shh.” I rocked him. “
No llores, mi amor. No llores.
”

I wasn’t sure why I slipped into Spanish. It was just that the last time anyone had held me like this, I’d been really young, and those were the words I’d heard…from Mimi, or from my mother.

“You’re safe now, remember? You’re safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”

He clutched my arms, his fingers digging into the flesh. Strange, squeaking breaths came from his throat as he cried.

Stranger still because I’d never heard him make a sound at all.

“Seb, please don’t cry.” My voice was strangled now, too. Maybe I wanted my ignorance back. What had happened to him? Who had done it?

I might never know. But I had my suspicions. I’d had them since the night before, I realized. Seb was
experienced.
And in a boy who’d spent his teenage years pretending to be special, that experience sent up red flags.

I tipped his head back to wipe his face clean. His eyes were red and just slightly puffy, the expression in their depths as naked and as vulnerable as I’d ever seen.

At least now I had an idea of why he’d put up this wall between himself and the rest of the world.

I couldn’t take away his pain, but maybe I could replace it with another emotion. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but maybe, if we spent our lives together…maybe the happiness could outweigh the bad.

“I love you, Sebastian.”

His lips found mine, melting into a soft kiss.

The rest of our lives
. Making that kind of commitment to Seb was terrifying. I just wished I had some idea what that life together would look like…but I wasn’t going to let uncertainty hold me back anymore.

The tears stopped. His chest fluttered against me, still heaving from the earlier sobs. I cupped his face and kissed him again, slowly and with just the tip of my tongue reaching in to meet his.

It was different from the other kisses we’d shared…and miles away from the wild lust of last night. I still felt the stirring in my pants from being this close to him, but I had no intention of acting on it.

Because tonight meant more than that. These kisses were a promise.

We loved each other, and I would keep him safe.

~*~

For all the warmth I’d felt the night before, I was surprised to wake up cold and hungry.

Seb lay curled against my shoulder. A little bit of tear-crust clung to his lashes, but beyond that, there wasn’t any sign of how emotional he’d been the night before.

I didn’t want to disturb him, so I lay still for as long as I possibly could. My neck ached, though, crushed up like it was against the lumpy backpack. Eventually I had to stretch it out.

He stirred at the slight movement, his face twisting into a grimace.

Ow
. He rubbed his back.
That hurts.

Taking over for him, I massaged deep into the muscle. “Yeah…and I’m freezing.” I buried the tip of my nose in his neck to make my point.

He winced and pulled away.

“Sorry.” I chuckled, until he slipped his ice-cold hand under my shirt and pinched a nipple. “Ooof! Okay! Okay!”

With a little grin of victory, Seb let me go.

“So…I know we should be saving money, but there’s another thing we gotta buy.”

What’s that?

“A watch with an alarm.” My back cracked as I sat up. “We are
not
missing out on that dance studio again. I guess I’m not quite built for life on the streets.”

Seb nodded.
Good idea.

“We should try and stay there from now on…or, you know, until we figure out something more permanent.”

He sat up, too, giving my arms a few brisk rubs to warm them.
Okay.

“You know what? I think we’re getting the hang of this. We’ve got a place to stay, the beach to spend the days at, we’ve got…each other,” I added shyly. “And, uh, ways to…” Seb started dropping little kisses along my cheekbones. “To, uh…pass the time…”

He landed on my lips.

And at that moment, I was pretty sure we had it made.

Chapter 24: Honeymoon's End

“Uh, maybe I made a mistake. Lemme double check…ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen…and thirty-five cents.”

Fuck. Where had it all gone?

I stared at the pile of crushed bills and change on the dance studio’s floor, my heart sinking in fear that I carefully kept from my face.

Of course, I knew where it’d gone. To carnival games and rides, funnel cake and hotdogs and ice cream. To flannel blankets and watches and alarm clocks and McDonalds and junk from the 99-cent store.

Seb glanced over, unconcerned, and continued to trace letters in his booklet.

“We’re…we’re gonna have to figure this out.”

He sighed and put the pencil down, then crawled over to embrace me. Damn it, he must’ve heard the worry in my voice.

His arms were golden now, the hair on them so fair it was almost invisible. I brushed my fingers through the soft strands, moving them against the grain. “This’ll only last us a few more days. We blew almost all the money in a coupla weeks. I…I shoulda been more responsible.”

It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen this coming. I’d known. I’d just put off dealing with it for as long as possible—or longer than I should’ve—because I was too busy enjoying myself with him. Too busy being selfish.

He shook his head and ran his knuckles over my cheek.
Quit blaming yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

“No, really.” I freed myself from his comfort so I could try to think straight. “I have to take better care of us. We need to come up with a plan, right now, so we know what we’re gonna do from here on out.”

Okay then
. He retrieved the booklet and pencil, but kept his attentive eyes on me.
So what’s the plan?

“Well…I need to get a job. Like at a fast-food place or something. Except they probably won’t take me, because I’m too young…so I’ll need a fake ID…which I can’t get right now because we don’t have enough money.”

Seb looked puzzled.
Okay…

“So, step one is to get more money…and to stop spending it so fast. You know, when I went to Venice with Mimi and that guy of hers, he was able to steal us all kinds of stuff. Kettle corn, cotton candy…even some sunglasses. I’m really not that bad at lifting stuff, and with you as a lookout…”

No.
He shook his head firmly.

“But listen, with all those open air shops it’d be easier, and we could get some stuff to resell, or even just nab us some food…”

I said, no.
He reached over and grabbed my wrists, locking them together like I was in handcuffs.
You could get caught.

Dammit.

“We could be really careful.”

He squeezed down harder, pressing into the bone.

“All right, all right, I get it. No stealing.”

Satisfied, Seb returned to his tracing.

“I could sell flowers on the street.”

I was joking, mostly. Plenty of my people did that…but I’d have to get the flowers from somewhere…and I never really saw kids doing it.

He arched a brow doubtfully.

“Yeah. I know. Out on the street like that…the cops might see me. And they’re probably still looking for us, ya know.”

He grinned. Seemed he liked being a fugitive with me.

I didn’t blame him. Days at the beach and nights lounging on a couch, jerking each other off…I felt like I could live this way forever.

A little alarm went off in my head at the thought—reality trying to edge its way in. I fought it back by moving toward Seb and forcing him into a kiss.

He pretended to be irritated at the interruption, even though he kissed me back. I wished I could have more than just a taste of his lips right then, but the sun was already up, and it was almost time for us to hit the road.

“Okay, really, stop distracting me. I have to think.”

Seb pushed me away, little bursts of air coming from his nose—his version of laughter.

“Well, look, I know you like staying here, but I’m just not sure how long we can pull it off. You’re worried about us getting caught with the stealing…this is illegal, too.”

He rolled his eyes.

Sighing, I pulled off my dirty t-shirt and put on a slightly less dirty one. We were long overdue for a trip to a laundromat—another thing that’d cost money. And now that I’d run through all the other options to earn any, only one way seemed to be left.

“Seb, remember how I told you I used to…uh, deal?”

He glanced up sharply.

“Well, maybe I didn’t say it outright, but I’m sure I mentioned it in one of our conversations.”

And your point is?
He eyed me warily.

“So…the only way we stand a chance of getting money fast is doing that. I know some people I can talk to—this guy Diego, maybe. He might know of something I can do. I mean, it’d be small-time at first, but—”

A snapping sound interrupted me, and I looked over to see Seb’s pencil lying in two pieces.

“Broke your pencil?” I gathered up the top half and brought it back to him, but he didn’t take it from my hand. “We’ve got some pens, still…or I bet we could pick one up at a bank or something.”

Strands of Seb’s sun-bleached hair were draped over his forehead, so I couldn’t see his eyes.

“Okay?”

No!
He snatched the pencil from my palm and threw it across the room.

Icy fear flooded me, drowning my other concerns and pushing out goose bumps all over my skin. What the hell had just happened?

“Seb, what…what’s wrong?” I crouched in front of him, hands hovering a few inches away because I was suddenly afraid to touch.

“Are y-you mad because of the money thing?” My voice shook.

Having him angry with me apparently reduced me to a trembling ball of nerves. No one else had ever had that effect before.

“’Cause I promise, I’m gonna work it out…”

Was he just calling my bluffs, now that he was no longer playing special?

He shook his head, then closed his hand into a fist and tapped at the vein that bulged in his arm.

“What?”

He glared.

“Drugs? You’re upset that I’m talking about selling drugs?”