Silent (42 page)

She shielded her eyes to gaze out at the basketball court and neatly changed the subject. “Sebastian really seems to be enjoying himself. Did you teach him how to play?”

“Oh, uh, sorta. I bet he could teach me a thing or two now, though.”

“He’s a fast learner,” she responded, and then burst into a sudden light-hearted chuckle. “I’m sorry.” She sobered quickly. “It’s just I never thought I’d get the chance to say that about Sebastian. All the therapists and psychologists and doctors who have seen him over the years…and you’re the one who found him. You obviously have something special.”

“Yeah. Special.” I smirked, admiring the way his shoulder blades flexed as he blocked an opponent from getting close to the basket. “Then maybe we’re both special.”

Still caught up in Seb, I only half-saw Suzie fidgeting with her skirt hem and licking her lips. But I was starting to get the feeling she had something on her mind—some other reason for driving all the way out to Pasadena besides a casual check-up. Something that made her white cheeks a little rosy and her thin lips quirk in a smile. Good news, then.

News she just couldn’t keep to herself.

“I’ve found them, Alex.”

Chapter 28: You

The peaceful, sunny feeling in my heart abruptly vanished. I should’ve known my happiness was just like a handful of sand.

Confusion and fear moved in to fill the void.
I’ve found them.
I’d longed to hear those words once, but now…

“M-my mom? You found Hector and my mom?”

Suzie’s smile dissolved. Her eyes went wide and her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh my God, Alex. I can’t believe I said that. I’m so sorry. No, I haven’t found them. I meant Sebastian’s family. A grandmother and a cousin.”

“Oh.”
Idiot.
Of course. I blinked a few times, trying to fix the short-circuit in my brain as a hurricane of new emotions hit me. It was hard to pin anything down in the spinning chaos…but it would’ve been a lie to pretend relief wasn’t a part of the picture.

And what did it say about me that I was actually
relieved
I wouldn’t have to see my mother again?

“I’m so sorry.” Suzie was grief-stricken, pale and practically shaking.

I blocked her out for a moment, more concerned with myself. Not because I was upset about the mix-up…but because I
wasn’t
. And I didn’t even feel guilty about it. “It’s okay,” I mumbled.

“No, Alex. That was so thoughtless of me and I—”

“Seriously. I think it might be okay,” I repeated.

To prove my point, I took a breath and worked on untangling the knot in my mind. No, there was no guilt. There was a core of sadness, maybe just a touch of disappointment, and that relief I’d recognized earlier. But the truth was, I really felt okay with the idea of my mother never coming back for me. And it wasn’t because I hated her, or thought she was worthless scum. I wasn’t angry. I was just…ready to move on.

I thought of the photographs in the drawer, tucked away where I wouldn’t have to see them. I might not’ve wanted to put them on display, but I’d never throw them out. Wherever I ended up in life, they’d end up, too. Maybe they’d always be in a dark drawer somewhere, but even if I never laid eyes on them again, they’d be a part of me. The part that said I’d had a mother…who’d tried and failed. That I’d had a sister who’d lost her way. That I’d had a childhood in the ghetto and it’d played its part in making me who I was today.

And then something else dawned on me. My mother had photographs, too.

“Alex?” Suzie’s worried face brought me back to the brighter present—to the stiff green grass beneath my legs and the wide-open sky over my head.

“I’m okay. I think I just figured something out.”

Suzie exhaled slowly, her hand twitching on her knee. “What’s that?”

“I went back to my old house, with Seb, when we first ran away. There’s a new family there.”

She gave me a pained nod.

“And, well, my mom left all kinds of stuff that belonged to us. Furniture, clothes, the microwave…but she took the photos.”

“Photos?”

“Yeah. All the pictures she had in her nightstand of me and Mimi. They weren’t there anymore. I had a few in my dresser that were left behind, but she must’ve taken the rest. Maybe…maybe she took them because she really did love us. She just…didn’t exactly know how to be a good mom.”

Like Mimi
. I was sort of grateful I wouldn’t be having kids to carry on the family tradition of screwing the whole thing up.

“Anyways, I think…maybe that’s why she left.” I pushed on, my thoughts falling into place as I said them aloud. “She knew I’d be better off. And she knew if she’d stayed, I never would have stopped trying to get back. And I might have gotten my wish, eventually…and then my life would be…very different.”

Suzie’s nostrils flared and she swallowed slowly.

I went over my logic one more time, and it still seemed solid. “Well, that’s what I’ve decided, anyways.”

“That makes sense, Alex. That makes a lot of sense.”

The sun was warm on my skin, bringing back some of my earlier calm. “Yeah. It does, huh.” And maybe if I saw my mom again someday, I might even thank her…for letting me go.

A shadow fell over me, and I looked up to see Seb, wiping his face with his t-shirt. Tanned to a light gold, he had hints of freckles on his shoulders that glistened with sweat. If we’d had any place to be alone, I would have kissed each sparkling fleck and then his lips, even if they were a little dry and cracked from the heat.

Locking eyes with me, he smirked like he knew exactly what was on my mind. It also served as a pointed reminder that Suzie was beside me, and that I should keep my fantasies in check for a more convenient time.

He waved at her in greeting, and she waved back.

“You’re looking well today,” she began, but I interrupted.

“Seb, they found your family.”

That was sort of rude of me—I should have let Suzie deliver the information herself. But I was too antsy to deal with her small talk, both because I needed to take Seb out behind a tree somewhere, and because now that the dust of not seeing my mother again had settled, my brain had finally caught up with the next reason to worry.

Seb’s jaw fell open, and he squatted down beside us.
Really?

“We’ve located your grandmother, Sebastian. And she’d very much like to meet you.”

He blinked. Not exactly an enthusiastic response.

“Did you know you had a grandma?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“She didn’t know she had a grandson, either,” Suzie put in. Then she glanced over at me. “I suppose you don’t mind me sharing information about your family in front of Alex, do you?”

Another firm headshake.

“Your mom was a runaway, though she ran when she was eighteen. So your grandmother never knew she was pregnant, or that she had you.”

Now Seb nodded. Maybe he’d known his mother had issues with her family. And if that was the case, maybe this grandmother thing wasn’t such good news after all.

Grasping a fistful of grass and soil, I stopped myself from going too far down that line of thinking…because a part of me was actually
hoping
that. The first night I’d heard Seb might have a family out there I’d been thrilled for him—but that was when I’d been in a completely selfless mode, trying to pretend my own desires didn’t exist.

But they existed, all right. And now that everything finally felt right, with us here together in this safe, enclosed world, and Seb growing more confident being himself with each passing day…I just wasn’t ready for things to change.

What if this family of his wanted to take him away immediately? What if they lived far away? Or didn’t like Mexicans? Or didn’t like
gay
Mexicans?

“She lives outside of San Diego. And this is very interesting—she was born with a similar unilateral vocal fold anomaly to the one that affects your speech, Sebastian,” Suzie went on, totally unaware of my fears. “I think it’ll be wonderful for you to meet her and see how she communicates.”

Seb considered for a moment, tilting his head to the sunlight. Then he pointed at me and folded his arms decisively.

Suzie looked to me for a translation.

“He wants to know if I can come with him.”

She laughed brightly. “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of separating you against your will. Trust me.”

~*~

Seb was tense. He’d started chewing his fingernails lately—a new nervous habit. I didn’t like it, but I guessed it was progress when compared to the other ways he’d dealt with stress. And besides, that shrink he saw could handle the issue whenever she felt the moment was right.

I gently drew his hand away from his mouth so I could hold it. “Hey. Relax. It’s gonna be okay. Suzie said she’s dying to meet you. And what about her being like you, with that uni…unilateral thing? That’s gonna be cool, right?”

Seb frowned.

I wondered if some of the same concerns I had were running through his mind. San Diego was a three-hour drive, and I wasn’t eager for that kind of distance between us. Sometimes the mile we had to cross now seemed too much already. In the past month, I’d had to grudgingly relearn how to fall asleep without a warm body under my arm, my useless protests shot down by Suzie and my therapist. They just kept insisting our time apart would only help me appreciate our future “mature” relationship even more.

Thank God that magical age of adulthood was only two years away.

“She’s gonna love you, Seb. No one who knows you could do anything different.”

He smiled weakly, squeezing my hand.
Thanks.

Of course, there was still that gay elephant in the room. But Seb hadn’t brought it up, so I wasn’t going to. And I knew Suzie had enough common sense to keep that from his grandmother. At least for now.

She glanced at us in her rearview mirror. She couldn’t read Seb like I could, but the way I’d captured his hand and refused to let it go probably gave her a clue.

“We’ll stay as long as you feel comfortable, Sebastian. I did get the background check and clearance for an overnight visit, if you wanted, but that won’t happen today.”

Seb’s fingers tugged out of my grip with some force, and he reached for the whiteboard at his feet. Using the attached marker, he scrawled,
dus she wont?

“She wants us to stay for an overnight visit?” I read aloud for Suzie. I added the
us
because I couldn’t stand the thought of Seb being alone with some strange people, especially people who had caused his mother to run away.

Suzie nodded. “She does, eventually.”

The dread in my heart began to solidify, and suddenly I was grabbing Seb’s hand for my own comfort instead of his. She wanted him to stay the night. Which meant she probably wanted him to stay,
permanently.

Seb wasn’t in a mood to talk, so I concentrated on the orange and red mountains dotted with scraggly patches of green. That plant-life just kept fighting for its chance to exist, roots clinging to life around all the clay and rocks. I wanted to cling to Seb that way…but not at the cost of his happiness.

Eventually we drove into a community of small, older homes. Nothing very special, and I knew a poorer neighborhood when I saw one. Still, the houses were fairly well kept, and the families of various shades of brown scattered across yards and porches seemed at ease with their surroundings.

“Looks nice here,” I whispered to Seb. He raised a doubtful brow. “I mean, not like fancy or anything…but nice and normal.”

We both grinned.
Normal
wasn’t really our normal. But it did hold promise.

Suzie pulled her Corolla into the driveway of a squat little bungalow and the engine went off, sputtering a few times before we were left in silence.

“Remember Sebastian, if this is too much for you at any time, I want you to let me or Alex know, okay? I don’t want you to get overwhelmed.”

She didn’t want him to retreat in on himself, is what she meant. And maybe it was a risk to be bringing him here so soon after he’d settled into any sort of routine as a fully-functional person, but I didn’t really think he’d disappear again. Not unless his grandmother turned around and smacked him or something.

I shuddered. Who was I supposed to tell if this was too much for
me
?

A woman emerged from the house. She stopped a few feet from the car and clasped her hands together as she waited for us to come out.

“That’s your cousin, Diane,” Suzie said. I’d seen a picture, but she looked a little older in person, even if she’d shoved her hair into pigtails.

My fingers clenched around Seb’s one last time before I rapidly drew them away. There’d be no more handholding while we were here.

Suzie got out and greeted Diane as Seb and I followed more slowly.

“Don’t be scared,” I whispered, feeling his presence close behind me. Again, it was more for myself than for him.

Diane was a cheerful brunette, with an over-enthusiastic smile and a shine to her eyes that probably meant she’d be crying sometime soon. Her skin was beige and it was hard to pin down her ethnicity, but there were hints of something exotic in her mix.

“Hello, Alex, right?” She smiled at me first, since Seb was still hanging back. “Suzie told me what a good friend you’ve been to Sebastian.” I shot a look at Suzie that she pretended not to notice. “I’m Sebastian’s first cousin once removed…though I guess maybe I feel more like an aunt. I’m an only child, so I don’t have any actual nieces or nephews…” she trailed off, either because she knew she was rambling, or because she was busy peeking over my shoulder to get a better view of Seb.

I turned to him. “Don’t be so shy.” Even as the words came out, my mind fought back.
Hide! Act cold and uninterested and then maybe we can go back to our regular messed-up lives!

He stepped around me, and Diane held out her hand. “It’s so nice to meet you, Sebastian.”