Chapter 5
“M
om,” Kevin called after placing his jacket on the ottoman. Normally, he'd have hung his jacket in the closet, but tonight the visit with his mother would be brief, just long enough to grab his favorite dessert.
“I'm in the kitchen,” she called back.
Kevin walked through the sunken living room, past the formal dining room, and into the kitchen.
“Baby, I didn't know you were coming by this evening,” Pastor Jennings said, looking up from her organizer.
Kevin looked upward after kissing his mother's cheek. “Lord, please hold the lightening until I leave.” Pastor Jennings slapped her son on the arm. “Prophetess Evangelist Preacher Teacher Pastor Jennings, you knew I'd be over here once you texted me the words âbanana pudding.'”
Pastor Jennings smiled, but from the doorway Kevin heard his mother's laugh coming from another source.
Not today
, he thought before greeting Reyna.
“Reyna, how are you this evening?” Kevin smiled, and his mother's clone nearly tripped over her own feet.
“I'm fine,” Reyna said once she regained her composure. “How about you, Dr. Jennings?”
“Reyna, you've known me forever. You can call me Kevin.”
“No, I can't.” Reyna slowly shook her head from side to side. “Dr. Jennings, a man of your caliber and accomplishments deserves the highest level of respect. You deserve the best.”
This act was getting old, quickly. “Reyna, I'm no greater than my name. If you can't address me by my name then don't speak to me at all.” Kevin didn't miss the silent eye language exchanged between his mother and Reyna.
“If that's what you want, Kevin.” Reyna had gotten the message, and so had his mother, or so he thought.
“Son, have a seat next to me. I have some dates to go over with you.”
Kevin sat down next to his mother, and Reyna exited the kitchen, only to return seconds later with a large bowl of banana pudding.
“Thank you, Reyna, but I could have served myself,” Kevin said just before depositing an ample spoonful into his mouth.
“It's my pleasure to serve you.” Reyna lowered her eyelashes before adding, “With all the stress you're under, you deserve it.”
Kevin paused before enjoying another helping. Pastor Jennings stated that she suddenly needed something from her bedroom, and left.
“My job is not that stressful. I love what I'm doing,” Kevin explained.
Reyna clarified her statement. “Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't use my words clearly. I was speaking of your divorce.”
Kevin wished she'd saved the clarification. “I'm not surprised my mother told you, but it's not final yet.”
“It will be.” Reyna gently touched his leg. “Kevin, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You gave Marlissa the best you had to offer. It's not your fault she was too drunk to appreciate how extraordinary you are.”
If there were a degree for manipulation, Reyna would have a double PhD. With master skill, Reyna pulled the scab back from his deepest wound and used it to her benefit. What shredded Kevin's self-esteem most was knowing that he did, in fact, give Marlissa the best he had to offer, and that she'd rejected his best constantly. Kevin set the bowl down on the table, his favorite dessert suddenly tasting bitter.
“Would you like me to package this to go?” Reyna asked when Kevin stood.
“No, I've had enough. I'm going home.”
Reyna stood next to him and took his hand. “Kevin, I know this is hard for you. If you ever need to talk, I'm just a phone call away.”
“I wouldn't expect anything less.” He was certain she'd mistaken his smirk for a grin.
Later, a strenuous workout in his home gym left Kevin exhausted. Maybe now he would be able to fall asleep. Reyna's contaminated words broke the levee that held the painful memories at bay. He didn't doubt that Reyna's intention was to draw him closer to her, but what she'd succeeded in doing was saturating his mind with thoughts of Marlissa and their intimate times together.
After removing his prosthesis, he turned the water as hot as he could stand and hopped into the oversized stall. Letting the hot pellets massage his skin, Kevin thought back to the day he and Marlissa first saw the house he now lived in alone.
She'd fallen in love with the house, and thought the large shower was perfect for his large frame and shower chair. He liked the shower too, but for a different reason. He anticipated the memories and melodies they would make together inside the shower. Those fantasies quickly faded on their wedding night. They were both virgins, and Kevin expected it would take a while for them to figure things out, but nothing could have prepared him for what happened.
Kevin was so nervous; he sat on the bed praying while Marlissa undressed in the bathroom of the bridal suite at the plush Ritz-Carlton in San Francisco. This was more than his first sexual experience; it was also the first time he would openly expose his disfigurement.
Whereas his professional accomplishments had earned him multiple accolades from professors and colleagues, they had done nothing for his insecurity of having a missing partial limb.
Kevin considered himself attractive and so did most women. With his developed upper torso he hooked his share of bait, but once he revealed that the slight limp in his step wasn't due to his “coolness,” things would change. His apprehension of being physically able to satisfy a woman carried more weight in his decision to remain sexually pure than the idea of fornication. He came close to testing the waters a few times in college, but just when he trusted someone enough to reveal his frailty, his ability was called into question and Kevin retreated.
With Marlissa it was different. She never probed him about his abilities in that area, because she didn't have any intentions of sleeping with him. Marlissa told him so on their first date and her actions proved it. It would be a month before he was allowed to hold her hand and an additional month before he had the pleasure of her soft lips. Kevin guessed that she enjoyed their first kiss, because, afterward, she kissed him all the time. Much to his delight, she also hugged or held on to him every chance she got. The final test of Marlissa's genuineness came one evening while they watched
A Walk to Remember
at his apartment.
Kevin went into his bedroom, changed into a pair of shorts, and returned without his prosthesis. Marlissa didn't gawk, gape, or stare at him with his crutch. She simply made room for him on the couch, then cuddled against him like she'd always done. During the final movie scene, Kevin shed silent tears that had nothing to do with the images on the television screen.
Their honeymoon night at the Ritz was supposed to be the night he had dreamed about, but ended up being the beginning of a horror film, with Kevin playing the leading role.
The venue was perfect, with soft music and pillar candles. He'd heard her mention that she liked chocolate-dipped strawberries, so he ordered some to accompany the non-alcoholic champagne. Marlissa loved tulips, so, instead of rose petals, Kevin sprinkled tulip petals over the king-sized sleigh bed.
From the moment Kevin held her, he felt the tenseness in Marlissa's body. He took his time using his skillful, surgical hands to familiarize himself with the curvature of her body. His carefulness relaxed her, but the reprieve was short-lived. The second he removed the white silk from her skin, Marlissa started shaking. Kevin assumed she was self-conscious of her body, and thought that if he revealed his full, deformed frame, it would relieve her anxiety. He couldn't have been more wrong. Marlissa turned into someone he didn't know.
“Stop!” she screamed, jumping off the bed and grabbing the cover.
Kevin stood balancing on his one leg, and with his long and strong arms tried to bring her to him, but she wouldn't allow it. Marlissa screamed and punched and pushed until Kevin fell back onto the bed. “Get away from me!”
In a haze, he watched her run into the bathroom, and then minutes later storm out of the suite. He didn't see her again until the following morning when the manager brought her back, drunk.
At first, Kevin thought it was an isolated incident, but soon he learned that was not the case. The hangover had barely worn off when Marlissa started on new bottles of Cisco and vodka. For a week, Kevin tried talking to her, but all she would say was that she wasn't ready to be with him intimately.
In the weeks that followed, Marlissa softened enough to where she felt comfortable enough to touch and kiss him again. Kevin patiently took every bone she threw his way. Then it happened. Kevin came home one evening and Marlissa was ready. Kevin's bubble deflated somewhat when he smelled alcohol on her breath, but he continued, guessing that after the first time Marlissa would settle down.
She appeared to have enjoyed their first experience, but told him that it wasn't something she wanted to do often. She was content with kissing and cuddling. If his pride wasn't wounded and his heart not broken, he would have recognized that there was a deeper problem. What he perceived was that his body was so disgusting to his wife she had to be drunk in order to have sex with him.
Kevin soon recognized that Marlissa's drinking increased more and more. The harder he prayed for her, it seemed, the more she drank. Eight months into the marriage, Marlissa stopped attending church with him and became combative when he questioned her, accusing him of only wanting her for sex, although he'd stopped approaching her. He moved out of their bedroom to prove her wrong. Eventually, Marlissa started spending more time away from home than she did at home. Shortly after their one-year anniversary, she left for good. Now she was back and he was more confused than ever.
Kevin lathered his sponge for the third time. Thinking about Marlissa's rejection always made him feel extra dirty. Some days Kevin felt like he'd gotten what he deserved. When he proposed to Marlissa, he knew she wasn't saved and was only going to church to appease him. But he was in love, and, outside of accepting salvation, Marlissa was everything he wanted. Kevin believed that if he lived a sanctified life before her, Marlissa would eventually accept Christ as Lord of her life. Kevin's parents were married for thirty years and enjoyed, for the most part, a decent marriage. However, his father didn't receive salvation until the year before his death, thanks to his mother placing the ministry before her marriage. Kevin shook his head. Marlissa would probably make it to heaven, but without him.
Kevin rinsed and turned off the shower. He dried himself, and then reached for his crutch and wondered if he would ever trust another woman with his heart. Since he didn't trust his own judgment anymore, he seriously considered taking his mother's advice and giving Reyna a chance. Reyna was available and cared for him, almost to the point of obsession. With Reyna, he wouldn't have to worry about loyalty. All that made sense when he filed for divorce, but once he saw Marlissa, Kevin realized that, despite his hurt and anger and, now, bitterness, he still loved Marlissa and always would.
Chapter 6
M
arlissa kept busy by cleaning and reorganizing the Estée Lauder fragrance counter. Tuesday nights were always slow at Macy's. She used to fill the downtime with frequent trips to the adjacent shoe department. That stopped once she realized her little paycheck couldn't handle one hundredâdollar shoes and transportation every week. How Marlissa longed for the days when she didn't have to worry about money. Being married to Dr. Kevin Jennings had certainly had its benefits. She'd have even settled for the days before Kevin when she worked as a human resources manager for a pharmaceutical company. “I've made my bed and I'll lie in it. This bed is hard and lumpy, but, Lord, I thank you for the few pillows,” Marlissa mumbled as she locked the display case.
“Hello, Marlissa.”
She spun around to find Kevin looking handsome, but stern. For some reason his sudden appearance didn't surprise her. Maybe because she was still in shock from his unexpected visit to Restoration Ministries on Sunday. He sat in the back and remained for the benediction, but didn't speak to her. If Leon hadn't tapped her shoulder to alert her to his presence, Marlissa wouldn't have known Kevin was there. Here he was again.
“Hey, Kevin,” she answered, trying to redirect her thoughts. At that moment she wanted to feel around her those muscles bulging through his shirt.
“Is this a bad time?”
“What's on your mind?”
Kevin seemed to fumble for words. “I was on my way home when I thought I would pick up a couple of ties. I visited your church on Sunday. Nice service.”
Marlissa smiled slightly. Kevin wanted to see her. “I'm glad you enjoyed the service. Would you like me to help you pick out some ties?” she offered.
Kevin looked confused. “Ties?”
“You said that's what you came for.”
Kevin casually shrugged and replied, “Sure.”
Marlissa asked her coworker at the Clinique counter to cover for her, and led Kevin to the men's department. Her suspicions regarding Kevin's motives were confirmed the minute they stepped into the department. Kevin wasn't interested in anything Marlissa or the sales associate showed him. To save face, Kevin did purchase a pair of white dress shirts. A doctor could never have too many of those.
Back at her counter, they made small talk about church until Marlissa checked her wristwatch. “We close in ten minutes. I'd better start counting my drawer so I don't miss the BART train.”
Kevin frowned. “Don't you have a car?”
“No, but I have BART and bus.”
“It's not safe to ride the BART and bus alone at night.” He sounded concerned, but she didn't put much stock in it. That was just Kevin being his normal considerate self.
Marlissa smiled. “I'm not alone, I also have Mace.” They both chuckled. “Plus those big wings.”
99
Confusion was etched on Kevin's face. “Please tell me that's not some sort of drink.”
“Of course not! You know them angels that camp all around us.” She was still smiling, but he wasn't. “What's wrong?” she asked.
“It's strange hearing you reference scripture. It's nice, but strange,” he finally answered.
“I also dance in the Spirit, but you saw that on Sunday.”
The store manager's overhead announcement of the store closing broke the awkward silence that followed.
“I don't want to hold you up,” Kevin said, and picked up his shopping bag. “Thanks for your help. I'll see you later.” Then he was gone.
Marlissa briefly watched him walk away.
Lord, I need another pillow,
she thought.
Twenty minutes later, Marlissa punched out and started the sprint to the BART station. Halfway across the parking lot, a white Jeep Cherokee with the window rolled down pulled alongside her. Marlissa tightened her grip on the Mace in her pocket.
“Get in.”
She didn't recognize the vehicle, but she'd have known that voice anywhere. She leaned into the window. “Kevin, I thought you were gone.”
He shrugged. “Decided to wait.”
“Thanks,” she said after climbing in and fastening her seat belt. “I appreciate it, but you didn't have to.”
“I know.” His terse response was Marlissa's cue to be seen and not heard. She concentrated on the jazz and easy listening station coming through the satellite radio. The late, great Luther Vandross was singing about dancing with his father.
“Do you take BART every night or does Leon pick you up sometimes?” Kevin's question disrupted her imagined picture of Luther's dance.
“Leon works most nights and he doesn't have a car either.”
A long moment passed before Kevin inquired, “Do you have any other male acquaintances who can help you out?” He looked straight ahead, although his jaw flexed.
Marlissa knew exactly what he was asking her, so she chose her answer carefully. She sensed the answer was important to him. “Kevin, I haven't been with a man in any form since the last time you and I were together.” She wondered if Kevin meant to exhale as loudly as he had.
Luther finished his dance with his father on the entrance ramp to Interstate 580. A soft ballad followed, featuring Chanté Moore and Kenny Lattimore performing a remake of The Commodores' “Still
.
” They listened in silence as if pondering the words. Marlissa thought the song was both sad and beautiful: sad because of the pain the lovers inflicted on each other; beautiful because in the end love remained. Chanté was passionately telling Kenny that she still loved him when Marlissa dared to gaze at Kevin. He was already looking at her, but instead of holding eye contact, Kevin suddenly looked away and refocused his eyes on the road. Neither said anything until Kevin pulled in front of her building.
“Thanks for the ride.” She reached for the latch while trying to hide the tears that trickled down her cheeks. Why couldn't she and Kevin be like Kenny and Chanté? Why couldn't they love again? Before she stepped inside the lobby, Marlissa turned to wave good-bye, but Kevin was already gone.
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“Hurry up, brat, it's time to go to church.” Leon banged on Marlissa's door on his way to service.
“I'm coming, just let me grab my stuff,” Marlissa yelled back.
By the time Marlissa made her “CP Time” entrance, Leon was already at church and yelling his agreement with the preacher's topic. This was their routine: Marlissa and Leon went to church every Wednesday and Friday morning at 7:00 on the local gospel network right in their living room. The services were so uplifting, many times Marlissa would have to throw her towel at the screen and yell, “You better say that!” or dance in the Spirit. Today it was Leon's turn.
“Come on now!” he roared as the bishop said something about instead of judging your brother, you should pray for him. “We need to raise that man an offering,” Leon joked on his way into the kitchen for his morning bowl of cereal, once service was over.
“The bishop's offering will have to wait, I need to get to work.” Marlissa fished a glass from the dishwasher and placed it on the counter. “Speaking of work, guess who gave me a ride home from work last night?”
“Your husband,” Leon answered, and handed her the cranberry juice.
“You mean soon-to-be ex-husband. How did you know?” Marlissa seemed surprised that he knew.
“Because I am a male and I know how males operate. He's checking you out.”
Marlissa waited until Leon swallowed before asking, “What do you mean?”
“He's doing the same thing to you that Starla's doing to me. Kevin is trying to see if your change is legit. That's why he keeps showing up when you least expect it; he's trying to see if it's real.”
Marlissa shook her head. “He's already made up his mind to divorce me. Why would he care?”
Leon lifted his bowl and slurped the remaining milk before answering. “He doesn't want a divorce; he loves you. I saw it Sunday at church. He watched you more than he watched Pastor Drake. Trust me, he wants a divorce about as much as Starla does.”
“Then why won't he say something?”
Leon placed his arm on her shoulder and sighed. “The same reason Starla won't let me move back home yet. You hurt him and he doesn't know if he can trust you again.”
Marlissa let the words digest. Was it possible that Kevin still cared for her? Last night the hardness in his eyes appeared to have softened a little, and that would explain why he'd made up an excuse to stop by Macy's, which was totally out of the way. But the fact remained that the divorce proceedings were moving forward and he still hadn't acknowledged her apology.
“At least you and Starla are making progress,” Marlissa stated.
“She's allowing me to see the boys as often as I want now without supervision.” Leon smiled.
Marlissa twisted her lips. “That explains the hickey on your neck and the lipstick stain on your jacket,” Marlissa teased. “Your boys must really enjoy being with you.”
Leon laughed when he looked down at his jacket. He hadn't noticed the outline of Starla's lips until Marlissa mentioned it. He hesitated momentarily then cleaned his jacket.
“I'm really happy for you,” Marlissa called after him before he walked out the door.
“Me too.”
Three hours later Marlissa looked up from the monitor at the insurance office to find Tyson Stokes standing on the other side of the customer counter in what was no doubt an $800 suit. Tyson's pale complexion and stout physique gave him a strong resemblance to Fred Hammond. The only things Tyson lacked as a man were a sense of humor and the ability to relax.
“Hello, Mrs. Jennings,” Tyson greeted her.
“Tyson, do you always have to be so formal? You can address me as Marlissa. You were the best man at our wedding, for goodness' sake.” Tyson Stokes was more than Kevin's attorney; he was also his best friend.
“Marlissa, this is not a social call, it's business.” Tyson exposed the legal-sized envelope from inside his jacket, and immediately Marlissa felt the muscles in her chest tighten. She glanced around the empty office and prayed it would remain that way until she finished the breakdown she was sure to have after Tyson handed her the divorce papers.
“Of course it's business. You're always the bearer of bad news.”
“Don't look a gift horse in its mouth.” Tyson smirked then got right to business. “My client has altered the divorce settlement.”
Marlissa wanted clarification on what that meant, but Tyson pushed forward before she could voice it.
“Dr. Jennings is giving you possession of the Lexus he purchased for you as a wedding present.” Marlissa's jaw fell open as Tyson placed the envelope on her desk. “Here are the keys, title, and proof of insurance. The car is parked outside.” Marlissa gaped from Tyson to the envelope and back again. “He'll carry the insurance until you are financially able to afford the premium.”
Tyson stopped talking long enough for her to respond. “Why did he do that?”
“Honestly, Marlissa, I don't know. This is totally against my advice, but, then again, Kevin has been doing a lot of things lately that don't make sense to me.”
Curiosity got the best of her. “Things like what?”
Tyson smiled for once, and Marlissa knew a snide remark was coming. “Marlissa, if you want to know the answer to that question, do what you should have done a year ago: talk to your husband while he's still your husband.”
Marlissa retreated in her chair, resting her chin against her hand. “I want to talk to him, but he puts up an iron wall guarded by two pit bulls when it comes to me.”
“I don't know who is worse, you or him.” Tyson shook his head. Marlissa knew the friend was now speaking and not the lawyer. “Look closer, Marlissa. It could be that those pit bulls are nothing but baby Chihuahuas.”
She thought about Tyson's words long after he'd left. Could Leon be accurate in his assessment of Kevin's feelings toward her? In the wedding vows he'd written and recited to her, he'd vowed to always love her. The mere fact that he provided her with a vehicle one day after finding out that she didn't have one showed that Kevin still cared for her.
But how much?
Marlissa wondered.
Tyson knew Kevin better than anyone, and for him to suggest that Kevin still harbored feelings for her carried a lot of merit. One thing was for sure: Marlissa would have to be assertive and aggressive if she wanted to succeed in getting Kevin to open up to her again. She would have to make the first move.
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“God, please don't let me make a fool of myself. Father, please help me find the right words to say,” Marlissa prayed, walking down the sterile halls of Sutter Hospital where Kevin's reputation in eye surgery was worshipped. His patients loved him and refused to see anyone but him. Some waited up to three months just for an appointment. She stopped and admired Kevin's photo hanging on the wall of the specialty clinic. The image staring back at her was everything she'd ever wanted in a man. His smile was welcoming and his eyes gentle.
Gentle,
she thought. Kevin had always been gentle with her body the few times she'd allowed him to make love to her, but she'd never shared that with him. Marlissa tightly clutched the pastry box containing the banana cream pie from Kevin's favorite bakery, and prayed he would accept her small token of thanks.