Authors: Olivia Besse
“Did you just quote Michelle Branch?”
“That once he hears that I’m dating and smiling and laughing, he’ll see how well I’m doing without him and... want me back. That he’ll realize his mistake and snap out of it.”
“Snap out of
what
?” Liz cried out. “Dude, he cheated on you! Why are you putting him on some fucking pedestal?”
“You don’t get it, Liz! No one’s going to
ever
be able to understand me like Noah did!”
“That’s the thing,” Liz groaned out. “He
didn’t
understand you. You said it yourself all the time!”
“Well, that’s more of a
technicality
...”
“Riley, you’re only focusing on the good things right now, and you need to stop that,” Liz said with a sigh. “You’re blocking out all of the terrible shit that he put you through over the years, like how he told you to dress or how he lectured you for swearing too much. Who does he think he is? Your dad?”
“Liz...”
“Just forget about the whole situation.” Liz cut her off. “Try not to think about him.”
“How is that even possible when
everything
makes me think about him?” Riley protested. “I can’t watch TV, I can’t listen to the radio, I can’t even go to the supermarket without being reminded of him!”
“I know,” Liz replied, softening her voice as she patted down Riley’s hair. “Breakups suck. But you’ll move on and meet someone new. And then the two of you can make
new
memories together and—”
“But I don’t
want
to,” Riley spat out in a bratty tone.
“I knew this whole ‘divide and conquer’ bit was just an act,” Liz said with a roll of her eyes.
“Of course it was an act,” Riley sighed back miserably. “I don’t want to meet new people. I want to meet Noah!”
“Okay, just stop,” Liz said in a firm voice. “Sitting around like this, crying and eating garbage is literally the worst way to approach this situation.”
“I honestly think it’s the best way—”
“You know what? I’m not going to let you act like this anymore,” Liz resolutely stated. “Sorry about everything I’m about to do, but you need some tough love right now.”
“I’m actually very delicate right now, so I don’t think—”
“Riley,” Liz called out in a warning tone. “Noah is a piece of shit. And you wanting him back makes
you
a piece of shit by association.”
“That’s actually really harsh—”
“Listen to me. You do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.”
Riley scrunched up her face in distaste before halfheartedly shrugging her shoulders. “Well, you see, I don’t think he
doesn’t
want to be with me—”
“Ugh, get up,” Liz grumbled as she pulled Riley’s arms in an attempt to lift the listless girl off of her bed. “We’re going out.”
“No!” Riley wailed out. “Why?”
“You’re going to turn into an obese blob with bedsores and matted hair if I don’t do something about it right now.”
“Let me mope!” Riley pleaded. “I deserve it! I just want to put on my aloe vera socks, drink a bottle of wine and have a good cry.”
“You’re pathetic,” Liz muttered under her breath, scrunching up her face in concentration as she continued to drag Riley with her.
“I am!” Riley agreed, nodding her head fervently. “So leave me to mope and wallow in my misery!”
“No way,” Liz grunted as she pulled Riley towards her closet. “Now, let’s pick out something cute for you to wear.”
“I’ll be cute from the comfort of my bed,” Riley bargained as she curled up into a ball on the floor, grabbing ahold of Liz’s ankle in a pleading manner. “I’ll wear my nice pajamas, I promise.”
“What’s with all of the screaming?” Audrey drawled out as she appeared in the doorway. “Riley, what are you doing on the floor?” she added, tilting her head in curiosity as she peered at her tear-stained friend.
“Begging my bestest friend in the whole entire world to be merciful,” Riley whimpered in response, looking up at Liz with a hopeful expression.
“Audrey, get over here,” Liz called out, ignoring the sniveling girl on the floor as she beckoned for their roommate to come over to the closet. “Help me pick out a hot outfit for Riley so we can go out.”
“Ooh, makeover!” Audrey squealed as she pranced over excitedly.
“Are you two really my friends?” Riley questioned loudly, though the two pretended not to have heard her as they combed through her wardrobe.
“What are we aiming for?” Audrey asked, ignoring the fact that Riley was now clawing at her ankles. “Classy? Slutty?”
“Slutty,” Liz replied, glancing down at their heartbroken friend before turning back to Audrey with a nod. “Definitely slutty.”
“Slutty?” Riley wailed out incredulously. “Noah hated anything revealing. I don’t own any
slutty
clothes!”
“Good thing for you that I have plenty, then!” Audrey chirped before skipping off to her room, leaving Liz to stare down at Riley with a blank expression on her face.
“We’re doing this for you, you know,” Liz pointed out in a flat voice.
“This is a cruel way of showing you care, then.”
“What happened to ‘the new and improved Riley Benson’?” Liz teased, lowering herself onto the floor and poking Riley on the shoulder. “Hm, dating pro?”
“I lied,” Riley squeaked out. “I admit it! I’m a liar! And this lying sack of shit would very much prefer to stay home and eat an entire tray of Oreos. So can you just leave me be, at least for today? Pretty please?”
“No can do,” Liz said with a laugh, grabbing Riley’s arm and pulling her up from the ground. “
This
is an intervention, my friend.”
“Besides, you know what they say,” Audrey began as she waltzed back into the room, her arms filled with skimpy skirts and neon-hued dresses. “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!”
––––––––
“I
gave up my socks for this?”
“Can you at least
pretend
that you’re having fun?” Liz cried out over the blaring electronic music, playfully nudging her glum friend on the shoulder.
“Whoo,” Riley flatly replied, an unamused expression on her face as she looked around the rowdy nightclub. “Fun overload. Can we go home now?”
“God, there are so many cute guys here,” Audrey gushed, poking her head in between her two friends and sighing gleefully. “It’s totally our lucky night!”
Riley proceeded to frown at her peppy roommate as Liz let out a tired laugh. “I don’t know about me, but you two should definitely go on ahead and find some hot distractions.
Especially
you, Miss I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life,” she added, shooting Riley a pointed stare.
“Why are we even here?” Riley loudly groaned. “Everyone knows that a club isn’t the place to meet your future husband!”
“Well, I met Henry at a club,” Liz reminded her. “Didn’t I?”
Henry was Liz’s impossibly boring boyfriend, an egotistic ex-frat boy who’d graduated from Yale just two years prior before settling down in Santa Monica to work at some hoity-toity venture capital firm. It was apparent that he came from old money, what with his condescending tone of voice and raging entitlement issues. He was the type to berate Liz in public for ordering the wrong varietal of wine to pair with her entrée or for incorrectly using “further” instead of “farther” in a sentence. Simply put, he was a douche commander.
“You’re so lucky you’re in a committed relationship with someone so mature and responsible,” Audrey whimpered, gazing enviously at the glittering diamond ring that adorned Liz’s hand. Henry had presented his adoring girlfriend with his grandmother’s vintage Cartier ring on their first anniversary, a gesture that had made Riley wretch in disgust and Audrey wail in jealousy. “
I
want to be engaged while still in college, too!”
“It’s just a promise ring,” Liz said with a roll of her eyes.
“Well,
I
don’t have anyone to promise me
anything
,” Audrey muttered in response.
“Fine, let’s change that,” Riley called out with a dismissive wave of her hand, surveying the room with narrowed eyes as Audrey brightened up at the prospect of obtaining her very own ring.
“Nuh-uh,” Liz interjected with a firm shake of her head. “Today is about finding
you
a lover, not Gollum over here,” she added, prompting Audrey to let out an offended scoff.
“I have enough lovers to last me a lifetime,” Riley said with a sniff, resuming her search. “And their names happen to be Nabisco, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell.”
“Speaking of which, you need to stop eating your emotions,” Liz replied as she grabbed Riley’s empty glass and began walking towards the bar to get them another round of drinks. “Cookie crumbs in your hair aren’t cute!”
“What does she know,” Riley grumbled once Liz was out of earshot.
“Cosmo
did
have an article that mentioned that boys like vanilla-based scents,” Audrey offered with a shrug.
“You always were my favorite,” Riley sarcastically replied, throwing her arm around Audrey’s shoulders. “Now, let’s try and find a nice, unsuspecting victim for you to prey on.”
“Victim?”
“How about those douche canoes over there?” Riley suggested, pointing at a table surrounded by what appeared to be a set of fist-pumping quintuplets, each of them donning a perfectly styled coif and an impeccably pressed Oxford shirt. “They look like they’d have plenty of vintage heirloom rings lying around at home.”
“Ooh, that one’s cute!” Audrey enthused in agreement, leaning over the rail to get a better look. “Wait a minute...”
“Is that... Henry?” Riley asked in a loud whisper, turning abruptly to share a dumbfounded look with her equally startled friend.
“Is what Henry?” Liz’s voice inquired from behind them.
“Eep!” Audrey shrieked in surprise, backing away from the railing as if it were on fire. “No one! I mean, nothing! I, er...”
Riley felt herself stiffen in panic as Liz shoved a pair of ice-cold glasses into her hands and pushed past her pair of friends to take a look for herself. She and Audrey exchanged an entire silent conversation with terror in their eyes, frantically mouthing things like “holy shit” and “what the fuck do we do” to each other before Liz turned around with a steely look on her face.
“What. The. Fuck.”
“How are you sure it’s even him?” Riley squeaked out, letting out a pathetic attempt at a lighthearted laugh. “I mean, a lot of guys have that hairstyle and—”
“It’s him,” Liz growled through clenched teeth. “I can’t fucking believe it! He cancelled our dinner plans because he said he was stuck at the office!”
“Liz, I’m sure he’s just here for some... work thing,” Audrey blurted out in hopes to calm her infuriated roommate, though the sheer number of scantily clad model wannabes crowded around the boys’ table suggested otherwise. “Maybe... maybe they’re working on a deal for Victoria’s Secret!”
Riley shot Audrey a horrified expression as Liz proceeded to glare at the poor girl with menacing eyes. “Why the fuck would you say that?” Riley mouthed to her frightened friend, who merely let out a tiny whimper in response.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Riley quickly insisted, wrapping her arm around Liz to firmly keep the scene of the crime out of the enraged girl’s field of view. “He’s probably just—”
In another fit of anger, Liz abruptly spun around and glanced down at her supposedly perfect boyfriend, who now had his hand delicately placed on some freakishly tall blonde stunner’s ass. “Oh my God,” she uttered in misery, succumbing to a spell of hyperventilation as she did. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
“Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks from up here?” Audrey mumbled, a pained cringe on her face. “I’m sure he’s just... oh.”
The three of them stared down at the table in silence, watching as the blonde proceeded to push Henry down on the banquette seat, straddle his lap and begin profusely making out with him, right there in front of everyone. The strobe lights above continued to blindingly pulse to the music, giving the trio a bird’s eye view to what was basically a stop-motion softcore porno film starring Liz’s boyfriend and his plaything for the evening.
“He’s sleeping with her,” Liz concluded, her hands shaking in anger as the words left her mouth. “You can totally tell by the way he’s touching her. They’ve probably been sleeping together this whole time.”
“No way,” Riley loudly declared, though she was well aware that Liz was probably right. “I’m sure he’s just really drunk.”
“Is that an excuse?” Liz scoffed in disgust, not tearing her eyes away from the scene for even a second.
“Of course not,” Riley quickly replied, letting out a tired sigh. “Ugh, all guys really
are
assholes.”
“Do you think he’s slept with anyone else?” Liz suddenly asked, turning to her friends with widened eyes. “Oh God, am I going to have to go to student health and get myself checked? Those girls look like they’d be harboring all sorts of novel strains of herpes!”
At this, Riley felt her eyes bulge out in surprise, her arm limply falling from Liz’s shoulders. Why hadn’t
she
thought of that before? How had that possibility never crossed her mind?
All that
she
had worried about was what people would think, or how many people had known, or if Noah had fallen in love with one of his digital paramours. Of
course
a responsible girl like Liz would think about the practical repercussions of her boyfriend’s illicit affairs. Only someone as stupid as herself wouldn’t have thought of such glaringly obvious matters after finding out about the string of girls with whom she had shared Noah’s bed.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Had Noah used protection when he’d cheated on her? He was, after all, the one who’d made her get an IUD because he hated wearing condoms. Was it possible that she was now the not-so-proud owner of an exotic vernereal disease?
“I feel sick,” Liz muttered under her breath, blinking furiously as she pushed past her friends and began making her way towards the exit. “I need to get out of here.”