Authors: Olivia Besse
“We never liked him either,” Audrey blurted out, snatching the ring from her friend’s hand with sparkling eyes. “He was
way
too chatty.”
“You said you liked that about him,” Liz said with a frown.
“Well, that was when he was being nice,” Audrey replied matter-of-factly as she slipped the ring onto her finger with a tiny squeal, just as Liz let out another groan. “Now it was just obnoxious in retrospect.”
Riley rolled her eyes at her bubbly friend’s preoccupancy with anything shiny or glittery. “Agreed.”
“Anyway, enough about him. Distract me, I beg of you,” Liz said before turning to Riley with a tired smile. “What’d
you
end up doing about Noah?”
“I ignored him,” Riley told her, feeling a sense of pride as she relayed this information.
“Really?” Liz asked, an impressed look on her face.
“Really,” Audrey perkily confirmed. “Well, not
really
at first. Actually, she was pretty bad at the beginning. She even
scratched
me like some kind of rabid animal while I was trying to keep her phone from her!” she added with a pout, showing Liz the raised nail marks on her arm. “But after a few hours, she eventually calmed down. Vodka’s, like, a super good tranquilizer!”
“Super good,” Riley agreed, drunkenly nodding in agreement.
“But then her phone started buzzing like crazy!” Audrey continued, a disbelieving look on her face. “Can you believe it? The second that he thinks Riley’s ignoring him, he starts sending her a bunch of messages like some desperate little teenager!”
“Do tell,” Liz said with a grin.
“It’s so crazy,” Riley mumbled, shaking her head at the absurdity of it all. “The moment I decide to move on, he tries to claw his way back in.”
“At that point, she was so buzzed that she’d already entered ‘I hate him’ territory,” Audrey commented cheerfully. “He never even stood a chance.”
“First, he was all, ‘How’ve you been?’ I’ve been shitty, that’s how I’ve been, you dickwad,” Riley muttered in disgust. “Then came ‘I miss you.’ After I ignored that too, he sent me a ‘do you miss me?’ and then a ‘can I come see you?’ Who the hell does he think he is?”
“Don’t forget the ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’. Oh! And the ‘is it too late?’” Audrey added with a wrinkle of her nose. “Duh! How about an entire
month
too late, asshole!”
“Disgusting,” Liz seethed in disapproval.
“I guess it’s true what they say,” Audrey murmured in a somber voice. “The heart wants what it can’t have.”
“So that’s it?” Liz asked. “You’re done?”
“I’m done!” Riley squealed in relief.
“Or at least until this vodka wears off,” Audrey whispered into Liz’s ear.
“Well, cheers to that,” Liz said, clinking her glass against each of their own. “To being pathetic, lonely spinsters together.”
“Look on the bright side,” Riley attempted. “We’re
all
single now. Together and united.”
“Is there really anything bright about that?” Liz mused before downing the rest of her drink.
“We can go man hunting together,” Audrey murmured. “The world is our oyster.”
“She’s right. Maybe we can find you a nice distraction tonight,” Riley added with a shrug
“I don’t
want
a distraction. I don’t even know how to interact with guys our age! All I ever did with Henry was grab coffee, pick up dry cleaning and go out for dinner at 6 PM.”
“Well, today’s your lucky day,” Riley began with a small smile. “Because it just so happens that I’ve pretty much cracked the code on dating.”
It was about time that Riley came clean to her friends, especially since all three of them were single for once. Now that she was pretty much over Noah, save for the fleeting moments during which she had practically flung herself across the table in hopes of wrestling her phone out of Audrey’s death grip, she really needed to step up her efforts if she wanted to meet a quality guy. And what better way was there to accomplish that than with two awesome wingwomen by her side?
“What the hell are you talking about?” Liz mumbled out, staring at Riley with an unimpressed look on her face. “You’ve been on nothing but horrible dates for the past month.”
“The issue wasn’t
me
,” Riley insisted, rolling her eyes dismissively. “Those guys were just socially inept! But my techniques should work
swimmingly
with normal guys! We just have to meet them!”
“Swimmingly?”
“I know what guys
really
want,” Riley told her proudly, prompting Audrey’s gaze to dart over once the seemingly magical words left her mouth. “Max has been teaching me for the past month.”
“Max?” Liz blurted out with a cringe. “What would
Max
know about girls? You could smell his fear of commitment from a mile away.”
“Exactly!” Riley stated matter-of-factly. “He’s the pickiest guy I’ve ever met. Of course he’d have the best advice!”
“I don’t know...”
“Plus, he’s really cute!” Audrey said with a nod. “Cute guys are the hardest to impress.”
“So what exactly did Cutie Pie Fletcher have to say?” Liz asked, skeptically raising her eyebrow in interest.
“First of all, he told me to cut the independent crap. Guys love it when girls are clingy and
really
emotionally invested, even though they pretend that they hate it.”
“Are you sure about that?” Liz asked with a frown.
“Oh yea. He said it makes them feel like they’re protecting you! Jealousy is supposedly really hot too, because it shows them how much you want them.”
“That makes total sense,” Audrey gushed out.
Riley nodded encouragingly before continuing on with her lesson. “Second, they want to meet a girl who will be their best friend.”
“I guess that one’s understandable,” Liz acquiesced with a small shrug.
“Yea, so feel free to swear as much as you want, burp as loudly as physically possible and shotgun as many beers as you can hold without vomiting all over yourself. They like a girl who can hold her liquor. Even better if she can outdrink them! Liberally throw in the word ‘bro’ during conversations, and act like you know a lot about sports and their favorite teams, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about,” Riley told them as Audrey took notes on her phone. “They appreciate the effort.”
“What the fuck?” Liz commented with an incredulous smile on her face. “Was he joking?”
“No!” Riley insisted as she shot Liz a wide-eyed look. “See? This is why our relationships sucked! We didn’t know what Noah and Henry actually wanted!”
“I’m learning so much right now,” Audrey murmured as she continued to tap away on her phone.
“Third, guys like it when a girl is as dumb as a sack of rocks.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“Nope,” Riley confirmed as Audrey nodded for her to continue. “They want to hear shrieks and giggles and ‘oh my God’s like there’s no tomorrow. Apparently, they think it’s really feminine and cute.”
“So, basic manners, self-sufficiency and intelligence are
bad
things?” Liz asked, a disgusted grimace on her face.
“Think about it,” Riley said in an insistent tone. “Guys are surrounded by other dudes all day long. They’re always competing with each other about who’s smarter or more skilled. They don’t want to hang out with an Einstein in a dress at the end of the day! They want to relax with a girl who giggles at everything they say and makes them feel like a total stud!”
“It’s all so glaringly obvious,” Audrey commented in a hushed tone, her eyes round with awe.
“I know, right?” Riley agreed, feeling enlivened by Audrey’s enthusiasm. “They also like it when you’re the life of the party. So make sure to try and become BFFs with all of his friends, and be really entertaining whenever you two go out. Dance, sing, shout, whatever.”
“I highly doubt that,” Liz muttered under her breath.
“Finally, your appearance. They just say that they don’t like it when you wear a lot of makeup because that’s what they’re
supposed
to say,” Riley continued. “But they think a girl with her face done up is classy. Like Elizabeth Taylor or Marilyn Monroe!”
“Or a transvestite,” Liz mused aloud.
“And, contrary to popular belief, they love it when girls are low-maintenance and casual. They don’t actually like it when girls dress up in heels or dresses!”
“So why the hell do we suffer for hours in five-inch platforms?” Liz asked in a flat tone.
“Because
we
enjoy it,” Riley explained as if it were all so blatantly evident. “
We’re
the ones who like getting dressed up!”
“
I
don’t like it,” Liz replied matter-of-factly.
“But you don’t like anything!” Audrey reminded her with a bubbly smile.
“All right, you Male Whisperer,” Liz played along, smirking in amusement. “What
do
they want us to wear then?”
“Sweatpants!” Riley cried out. “Ponytails and tee shirts and
sweatpants
!”
“That completely goes against all of the crap you just said about the full face of makeup,” Liz countered, groaning loudly in frustration. “I mean, how is
loungewear
classy?”
“Exactly,” Riley affirmed, a proud grin on her face. “You become a walking contradiction! You’re mysterious! You’re perplexing! He’ll want to know more!”
“Er, I don’t think that ‘mysterious’ would be the best word to describe a contradiction...”
“It was all
so
simple this entire time,” Audrey sighed out, her eyes glazed over in wonderment. “This is literally life-changing information.”
“Riley, that’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard,” Liz said with a roll of her eyes. “Are you really going to believe all of that garbage?”
“Why would Max and Evan lie?” Riley countered. “We can go to Evan’s stupid pre-birthday party later and you can ask them for yourself!”
“Why
wouldn’t
Max and Evan lie is more like it.” Liz retorted with a laugh. “It sounds like a primer on everything that a guy
isn’t
looking for!”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Riley insisted, finishing off her drink with a flourish so as to emphasize her point. “We’ve been doing the complete opposite this whole time, and look where
that’s
got us! Besides,
she
understands what I’m talking about! Don’t you, Audrey?”
“Where the hell did she go now?” Liz wondered aloud as the two of them glanced over at Audrey’s now-empty chair.
“Oh my
fucking
gosh,” they could hear their friend’s voice ring out from a few seats away, followed immediately by one of her high-pitched giggles. “You’re
so
fucking right, bro. I could, like,
totally
use another fucking beer. And go Eagles, am I right?”
––––––––
“S
o, swearing like a sailor, drinking like a fish and shrieking like an airhead, huh? That’s the magic combination?”
“Uh...”
“I know exactly what you’re trying to do, by the way,” Liz added as she turned to face Max with a mysterious glint in her eye.
Fuck
.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Max said, shifting uncomfortably on the kitchen stool as he gazed off in another direction.
Please make her go away, please make her go away
, he chanted silently to himself as he avoided looking her in the eye.
Liz Graynor was the ultimate cock block, seemingly having taken it upon herself to protect all of her female brethren from the early age of five years old. Ever since they were young, Max had believed that she possessed secret magical powers when it came to deciphering boys’ motives and reading their minds. Like some sort of relationship sorceress.
Fuck, had Liz finally figured out that he had basically been in love with her best friend for the better part of the past two decades?
“I must say it’s pretty clever,” Liz continued as she took the seat next to his, much to the dismays of two younger sorority girls who had been eyeing it longingly. “Throwing her off by feeding her a bunch of bullshit so she’ll never meet someone new. You’re smarter than you look, Fletcher.”
FUCK.
“Did Noah put you up to this?”
Huh?
“Because if he did, that’s really fucked up of you to agree to it. Riley trusts you, you know.”
“What are you talking about?” Max blurted out, turning to face Liz with a confused frown.
“I mean, isn’t he trying to get back with Riley?” Liz asked matter-of-factly.
“What?”
“He texted her this morning,” Liz slowly replied. “I thought you would’ve known.”
“What’d he say?” Max asked in as casual of a tone as he could muster.
Liz shrugged her shoulders, letting out an annoyed sigh as she did. “You know, the usual. ‘Can we talk? I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Do you miss me? I miss you.’”
“And what did Riley say?” Max slowly asked, bracing himself for the worst possible scenario that Liz could describe.
“She didn’t reply,” Liz said with a shrug. “He didn’t tell you any of this?”
Max shook his head, trying his best not to grin like an idiot. Noah hadn’t mentioned a word about his unsuccessful groveling when Max had spoken to him just two hours earlier.
Thank you, universe
, he thought to himself happily.
I never really liked you before, but you actually seem pretty okay now.
“How come... how come she didn’t respond?” he asked as nonchalantly as he could.
“She’s trying to move on,” Liz explained. “The asshole cheated on her with, like, twenty different girls! Getting back together with him would just make her look stupid, right?”
“Right,” he agreed distractedly.
“Wait a minute,” Liz suddenly said, peering at him suspiciously. “If you didn’t know that Noah was trying to get back with her, then why would you lie to her about all of those dating tips?”
“Who said those are lies?” Max quickly replied. “Everything I told her is legit!”
“Acting like some hyperactive attention whore?” Liz asked, scrunching her nose in skepticism. “Cheering loudly during a basketball game when she doesn’t even know the rules? Giggling like a banshee and feigning ownership of a double-digit IQ? Those are real tips?”