Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (71 page)

My chest tightened with disappointment. It was one thing to think it was foolish to walk across hot coals and quite another to be the only person at the seminar that did not do it. I felt like yet again I had hit a brick wall. How could I ever expect to be successful if I couldn’t overcome my fears?

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Samantha. You did a great job.”

“I didn’t do it at all.”

“You tried.”

“Trying hasn’t gotten me anywhere!” My frustration was bubbling over in the form of tears and mumbled words. I wanted to be brave and strong like everyone around me. Instead, I felt like a coward. I had given up at the first hint of heat.

I thought about trying again, but my foot still hurt from the first attempt. I didn’t want to be in pain.

“I should just go. Can I have my things?”

David’s eyes filled with sympathy. “Of course. I will have someone bring them to you.” He gestured to one of his assistants. “But Samantha, I think you need to realize that today was not a failure. It was the first rung on the stepladder to freedom.”

I did my best not to think about punching him. The more he told me that I hadn’t failed, the more I felt like I had. I watched for the man to return with my computer and cell phone. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t wait to get away from everyone.

As he was walking toward me he didn’t see the flip-flops that had been abandoned beside the hot coals. I opened my mouth to warn him, but before I could he tripped over the shoes. As he tried to catch his balance, my laptop flew out of his hands. I watched in horror as it sailed through the air.

I knew that it was going to hit the ground and shatter. Without a second thought, I bolted forward. My eyes stayed on the laptop. I moved as fast as I could to catch it. When I felt it land in my hands, I felt a huge sense of relief.

At first I thought all of the applause was just in my own head. Then I realized that everyone around me was clapping. I lifted the laptop in a sign of victory. Only then did I realize that my feet felt rather hot. I looked down to see I was standing right at the end of the path of hot coals. Without even knowing it, I’d run right across them and made it to the other side.

As the seminar broke up, I felt an intense sensation of gratitude—not just for David and the program he had created, but for the people that I had met during the process. These were people just like me who were having similar struggles in life. I wasn’t the only one in the world who worried about missing out on love, or bellyflopping onto hot coals.

I decided that I would walk home instead of being driven. It was a bit of a hike, but I thought I could use the time to think.

Chapter 10

As I walked away from the entrance of the park, I heard a car pull up beside me. My first instinct was to look tough and ignore the car. But it continued to roll just beside me at the same pace. I turned to look. Max waved at me from the driver’s seat.

“What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I came to rescue you. I tried texting you last night and this morning. When I didn’t get a response I got worried, so I wanted to make sure that you were okay. You know—that you hadn’t been eaten by rats or rich people.”

“I’m okay.” I smiled. I opened the passenger-side door. “I’m more than okay, actually. I need to get home so that I can write.”

“Well, it sounds like the retreat did its job.”

“I guess it did.”

As Max drove me towards my apartment, I thought about what he said.

David’s words had had an impact on me, that was for sure, but that wasn’t what had made me overcome my fear of the hot coals.

I had run across them without a second thought because I saw something that meant everything to me about to be destroyed. No, it wasn’t the laptop. That could be replaced. It was my writing and my future as a writer. When I saw that computer sailing through the air, I was sure that it would mean the end of my career before it had even really had the chance to start. Without even thinking about it, I had bolted after it.

That was the kind of attitude I needed to have when it came to my career. I needed to stop thinking about it and just bolt toward it. If it was worth so much to me, then I had to go for it—without a second thought.

I told Max all about the seminar as he drove.

“Sounds like I might be able to use one of those.” He winked at me. “There’s plenty of things that I am too afraid to do.”

“Really?” I was stunned as I looked at him. I had never thought of Max as being afraid. He was always so cool and confident. I rarely saw him flustered. “Like what?”

“Are you going to tell me what you’re afraid of?” He pulled the car to a stop in front of my apartment.

My heart pounded. I saw an opportunity to reveal the truth, to tell him how I felt about him. Was I brave enough?

Max met my eyes. “Well?”

“Uh, maybe another time. I need to get some work done. Thanks for the ride.” I hopped out of the car and closed the door before he could question me further.

Max rolled down his window. “Maybe next time we can do the retreat together.”

“That would be fun. Thanks for the ride.” I leaned in to kiss his cheek. He turned his head and I accidentally caught the corner of his lips. The electrical jolt that went through me created an instant heat in my cheeks. I turned away before he could notice.

“Any time. It might not be a Lexus, but it’s got one perk that no other car does.”

“A broken radio?” I smiled.

“No, I meant me.” He rolled his eyes.

I laughed as he drove away. Then I hurried inside. I refused to allow even a near kiss with Max to derail me from my task at hand. I was ready to add more than just a paragraph. I was ready to add chapters upon chapters.

It was around two in the morning when I finally stopped writing. I really only stopped because my wrists had begun to ache. I was more than happy with the content I’d managed to create.

As I sat back and stared at the blinking cursor, I felt a sense of gratitude wash over me. Not only had I found my writing bug again, I’d had the opportunity to go after a career I was passionate about. Not everyone had that opportunity.

Of course there were plenty of writers out there in the world, but no two writers were exactly alike. They all had their own unique perspective, including me. I was hoping that someone would find my perspective interesting enough to buy my books.

I stretched and yawned. I was ready to go to bed. But before I could, I knew that there was one more thing that needed to be done.

Everything I had learned at the seminar, I wanted to share with the readers of my blog. Not word for word, of course, but the experience. More specifically, I wanted to share it with Blue. If he read between the lines about my desire to be brave and confident, he might figure out that I was speaking directly to him. I was getting closer every day to being bold enough to ask one of the two men in my life to be more than just friends. But which one was the right one?

To distract myself I pulled out my bucket list. I smiled as I added “walk across hot coals” to my list and promptly crossed it out as done. It was way too cool to not have it written down. Now it was time to choose the next item on my list. The seminar had inspired me to pick something that I had a deep fear of trying. Learn to swim stood out for me right away. I had a fear of water that had kept me on the beach long enough. It was time to confront it.

Single Wide Female: The Bucket List

#20 Learn to Swim

By

Lillianna Blake

Copyright © 2015 Lillianna Blake

Cover design by
Beetiful Book Covers

All rights reserved.

LilliannaBlake.com

Chapter 1

I gazed up at the colorful list that I held above me. It was fun to look at. It was more than just a list of ideas and adventures that I wanted to try during my weight-loss journey. I had drawn little pictures in the margins and added little notes about the things that I’d accomplished. It was a lot like a scrapbook of all of my experiences since I’d begun. I had certainly done a lot in a short period of time—much more than I ever would have thought possible in the past.

Today was the day that I would start my swimming lessons. Learning to be a stronger swimmer had been on my list from the very beginning, but I’d been avoiding it—mainly because I was hoping to lose more weight before I put on a bathing suit.

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized how silly that was. Swimming was great exercise and a great way for me to get more comfortable with my body. I had quite a few bathing suits that I’d purchased, mostly as motivation to keep me on track for reaching my goal weight. I put a star by my “learn to swim” bucket list item and set the list down on the bedside table.

Then I walked over to my closet. It was filled with clothes that were my size and clothes that were a few sizes smaller.

As a rule, I got rid of all of the clothes that got too big for me as I lost weight. I didn’t want to have the option of wearing them again. Of course I had a few pairs of sweats and pajama pants that were on the larger size, but I did my best to stick to my rule.

Bathing suits were always a tricky thing for me to try on. I felt embarrassed whenever I selected one to take to the dressing room, as if everyone might be wondering why I’d even think of wearing a bathing suit.

In my mind, the whole world had a problem with me because of my weight. What I didn’t realize at the time—and was beginning to learn—was that most people probably hadn’t even noticed me.

I saw a woman who was trying on a bathing suit when I was at the store the week before. I smiled at her as she walked to the dressing room. I don’t know if she noticed.

Life was hard enough without having to be scared of things like fitting rooms and spandex.

Now I had a few bathing suits in my closet. I had a suit to wear to the beach, one to wear to the pool, and one for water adventures—like water parks, water skiing, or anything else that was somewhat active.

I had chosen the suit I would wear before I ever signed up for swimming class. It was simple, flexible, and covered the areas I wanted to stay covered. I didn’t think that there would ever be a time that I felt confident in a swimsuit, but I really hoped that there would be.

The thing about bathing suits was that there was no way to cover up certain areas. I’d tried lots of different kinds. From the traditional one-piece, to a suit with a skirt, to a tankini, to shorts and a top. What I found was that no matter what I wore, I was never really comfortable, because I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.

Now I had a new perspective.

Even though I could see bulges and lumps, I was proud of how much progress I’d made since the last time I’d worn a bathing suit.

Being a bigger woman was the reason I wasn’t a stronger woman. Being big hadn’t prevented me from being able to swim, but in my head it did. I never wanted to be seen floundering in the water like a beached whale. So I learned enough to keep myself from drowning and never really moved forward from there.

Part of the problem was that I had been teased as a child. Little kids can be cruel. As a child, I was a little bigger than other kids, but not to any extreme. However, that slight difference in size was enough to make me a target at the swimming pool. The more other kids teased me, the bigger I felt. The bigger I felt, the more I ate to hide my emotions. It wasn’t the only thing that led to my weight gain, but it certainly played a part.

The last time I’d really spent any time in the water was when I was on vacation with Max. There were a few moments when I felt frightened because of going too deep. I didn’t feel confident in my ability to swim for any length of time.

Since I’d been exercising more, I knew that I had gotten stronger and my endurance was better. It was time for me to learn to swim well, so that I would never have to feel insecure in the water—plus it was great exercise.

The bathing suit I wore was a simple black suit with subtle gold flecks. It was pretty enough and it fit my body well.

The class I signed up for was at a local gym. It was during the day, so I was hoping that it would be mostly adults—and if I was lucky, mostly women. I wanted to meet men, but preferably not while I was learning to brave the deep end. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the first class, but I tried to remind myself to be brave and confident. I was still spinning back and forth in the mirror to get a good look at how my body had changed, when there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, it’s Max!”

Chapter 2

I smiled at the voice that carried through the door. I grabbed a shirt to cover up, then stopped myself. I was proud of the changes in my body. Out of everyone in the world, I could count on Max to be proud of me too.

“Come in!”

Max walked into the apartment as I walked out of the bedroom. His expression brightened at the sight of me.

“Are we going to the beach?”

“I’m going to a swimming lesson.”

“The beach would be more fun. Remember?” His eyes sparkled.

I did remember. At least once a week, if not once a day, I remembered the vacation we’d taken together. I remembered his arms around me, the water rushing around us and the “almost kiss.”

“I remember. But, I also remember that I didn’t feel very confident in the water, so I’m going to take some lessons to make me a stronger swimmer.”

“Is there time for a cup of coffee before?” Max helped himself to some coffee in the kitchen.

“Sure.” I poured my own and joined him at the table. “What’s going on? I always like your company, but I can tell when you have something you want to talk about.”

“Well, to be honest, I have this problem.” He sipped his coffee.

“Problem?”

“Yes. One of the women at work has a crush on me.”

“Oh?” I held back the venomous thoughts I had about that woman.

“Yes, she’s making it pretty obvious.”

“So, why not ask her out?” I tried to sound casual.

“She’s not really my type.”