Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (81 page)

Chapter 7

Somehow I needed to bolster my confidence. I decided that I needed to celebrate this moment of transition, instead of hiding from it. I had nothing to be ashamed of and I needed to prove that to myself. I stood up from the computer and picked up my phone to call a few people. Before I could dial, Max’s name popped up on the screen. All of that fretting I had just done had been for nothing. I felt ridiculous for worrying in the first place.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Sammy. Sorry I missed your call. I’ve been a little busy.”

Was that a dig about me not being busy anymore?

“Oh, that’s okay. I know that you have things you have to do.”

“So what did you need?”

“I’ve decided I want to have a party. To celebrate that I’ve quit my job.”

“No!”

I was a little startled by his reaction. “Why? I can be proud of myself, Max, even if you don’t agree with what I’m doing.”

“Don’t agree with what you’re doing? What are you talking about, Sammy?”

“Why else wouldn’t you want me to have a party?” I frowned. “I know it might not seem like the right move to you but—”

“Sammy, wow. I’m sorry that you’ve gotten that impression. The reason why you can’t have a party is because I was already planning one. It was supposed to be a surprise. That’s what I’ve been busy doing.” He paused.

I felt a myriad of emotions rush through me. Elation, that Max had thought to do something so sweet for me. Embarrassment, that I had been so wrong about what he was up to. Most of all, there was excitement.

“How could you think that I would ever not be proud of you?” Max’s voice was weighted with concern. “Haven’t I always supported you?”

I frowned. I knew that he was right. I had let my self-doubt and insecurity convince me that Max was quietly judging me. It wasn’t fair to me, and it sure wasn’t fair to him.

“Yes, you have. More than anyone else. I guess I was just feeling a little insecure.”

“Well, stop that! I’m trying to do something nice.” He laughed. “I had to keep it a secret because you always figure out everything that I’m up to.”

“Not everything.”

“Just about everything. You absolutely would have figured this out. That’s why I just gave in and told you instead of letting it be a surprise.”

“Well, where is it going to be? Who is invited?” I smiled.

“I can’t tell you those details. But I can tell you that you will have a lot of fun. I promise.”

I rolled my eyes at the secrecy, but I felt wonderful that he would go to so much trouble for me. For just an instant I gave myself permission to think that he might have deeper feelings for me. Then I swept that thought forcefully from my mind.

“Max, do you mind if I invite someone? Just tell me the time and the night, and I will tell him where when you tell me.”

“Him?” Max cleared his throat. “Is there something I should know?”

“Oh no, it’s just someone I’ve been e-mailing back and forth with.”

“So, you don’t really know him.”

“I know him better than I know most people.”

“Better than me?”

“I don’t think I know anyone better than you.”

“Okay. If you trust him, I trust him. The party will be Saturday night at seven. I’ll pick you up, unless you want this cyber guy to do it?”

“Oh my god, can you please not call him that?” I laughed.

“Well, does he have a name?” Max teased.

That question actually stunned me. The truth was that I didn’t know what Blue’s name was. I was fairly certain that his name wasn’t actually Blue. Still, maybe it was. People were named Blue. It was pretty embarrassing to admit to Max that I didn’t actually know. I couldn’t just make a name up either, because if Blue did come to the party Max would want to meet him, and he would have a different name. I did the only thing I could think to do. I hung up.

I could not remember a time that I had hung up the phone on Max. This was one of those moments when I didn’t think I was going to recover. Not only had I hung up on him, I didn’t even thank him for planning the party!

I headed back to my computer. I had to find out what Blue’s name was and if he would come to the party. I started to regret ever even thinking up the idea. But I really wanted to share my celebration with him. I wanted everyone to be there that had such a big impact on my life, and Blue was definitely one person who did.

I looked nervously at the keyboard. In my life few things had been harder than what I was about to do. My bucket list wasn’t just about ticking things off a list. It was about allowing me to become me. I needed to find that level of confidence that I admired in so many others.

Still, it seemed impossible to actually type out an invitation to Blue. His influence made such a difference in my life. However, I didn’t want him to feel pressured or obligated to meet me. My mind filled with all kinds of self-doubt. I pushed it all away and focused on the keyboard in front of me. One by one I typed out the words that I was certainly too frightened to say out loud. As each word appeared on the screen, I had to restrain myself from deleting it.

I needed to try this. If Blue made some excuse—if he didn’t want to be with me for some reason, then he could come right out and say it. If not, then I would get a magical night with Blue on a night that would already be magical to me. There was no reason not to follow through.

Before reading over the e-mail, I hit send. I didn’t want to think about it and end up deleting it. Of course when the e-mail was sent, my breath went with it.

I forced myself away from the computer. I didn’t want to be checking every five minutes to see if he had responded.

Chapter 8

I opened the door to my closet. I wanted to find something spectacular to wear to the party. Although I had quite an assortment of clothing in a few different sizes I didn’t have too much dressy stuff. Then I remembered that I had purchased a few dresses during my attempt at blind dating.

I dug to the back of the closet and pulled out a simple pale blue slip dress. I tried it on in front of the full-length mirror. Although there were places that my body didn’t curve or smooth the way I wanted it to, the dress looked nice. I could look in the mirror and truly tell myself that I looked good. That was a huge step for me. Here I was, not to my goal yet, but pleased with how I looked. I did a little spin and smiled at the way the skirt of the dress caught around the tops of my knees.

I felt good in a dress. What an amazing sensation.

I changed out of it and hung it back up in the closet. Then I pretended not to notice the computer as I walked toward the kitchen. But out of the corner of my eye I checked to see if there was a flashing indicator of a new message. I felt a twinge of disappointment when I didn’t see one. I was hoping Blue had already read my e-mail and written back.

Throughout the evening I tried not to look directly at the computer. But it kept taunting me. Finally I convinced myself to do some writing. Of course that meant checking my e-mail every five minutes.

By the time I was yawning, I still hadn’t gotten an answer. I was starting to feel annoyed. My phone rang once and I saw that it was Max. I didn’t want to answer without a name to give him. I ignored the call and grabbed a shower before bed. I was still excited by the idea that Blue might say yes, even though he hadn’t responded. I decided to take the positive approach and hope that he would. Which would mean that in just a matter of two days I might be actually meeting him for the first time. My heart pounded as I tried to sleep.

No matter how things turned out, my life was changing. I was going to choose to embrace it rather than fear it.

When I woke the next morning the first thing on my mind was checking my e-mail. I headed straight for the computer. I was really starting to feel excited about the party. However, the sadness at not seeing a response from Blue was very fresh.

I could understand not getting back to me right away, but I was sure that he had read it by now. Or maybe I hadn’t sent it right? Or maybe there was some freak Internet glitch that hadn’t delivered the e-mail? I wanted to believe anything other than the idea that he just wasn’t answering.

I pulled myself together and headed out for Fluff and Stuff. The next day was my last day, and I wanted to make the most of the time I had left. I made sure that my phone had plenty of room on it so I could take pictures.

When I arrived at the store Anisa had already opened up. It was a bit early, but I liked her go-to attitude.

“Morning, Anisa.” I smiled at her as I stepped inside.

“Morning, Samantha.” She kept busy straightening the products in the shop.

I picked up the key from the counter where she’d left it, so that I could lock up that night. I was glad that she had gotten the experience of opening the laundromat all by herself. Casually I checked to make sure that she did everything right. Although I was happy that she did such a great job, a small part of me was disappointed that she hadn’t made even the smallest mistake. I couldn’t remember my first few days, as it was so long ago, but I was fairly sure I hadn’t done everything right.

“So? What’s the verdict?” Anisa paused in front of the counter.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, please, I know you’re checking up on me. How’d I do?’

“Perfect.” I shook my head. “You really know your stuff, Anisa.”

“That’s because I had a great teacher.”

“Thanks, Anisa. I guess tomorrow will be our last day together.”

“Actually, we won’t be needing you tomorrow. Patricia said to let you know that you can leave me the key. I’m going to open and close. Of course it would be great if I could call you if I run into any problems.”

I felt the last hint of my connection with Fluff and Stuff deflate. I wasn’t sure that I was ever going to be okay with Patricia’s so easily replacing me, but I knew that was something I had to work out for myself. This was an exciting day for Anisa and I didn’t want to do anything to dampen that.

“Okay. That’s good. You’re certainly ready.” I smiled at her as I handed her the key. I gripped it so tightly that my fingers began to throb. I didn’t want to let go of it. Anisa tried to take it gently from my hand, but she couldn’t get it loose. She tried again with a firmer tug. I bit the tip of my tongue and tried to make myself let go of the key.

“Samantha?” Anisa looked into my eyes. “I’ll take good care of it. I promise.”

Chapter 9

Anisa’s words made my grip loosen. I realized in that moment that turning over the key wasn’t difficult because I was losing my position; it was because Fluff and Stuff would no longer be mine. I wouldn’t be there to greet customers with a happy smile or advise on how to get a terrible stain out of a favorite shirt. I wouldn’t be there to find the perfect pick-me-up for someone having a bad day. I was leaving behind a safe place that I had turned into a home.

“Thanks, Anisa.” I sighed as she took the key from me. A strong instinct carried through me to try to snatch it back. A brief image flickered through my head of Anisa and me wrestling on the floor over the key. “I know that you’ll do a great job. If you don’t mind, I’m just going to go.”

“No, it’s fine if you want to.” Anisa frowned. “It’s really going to be great, Samantha. You have a lot to look forward to.”

I nodded but I couldn’t speak. Instead, I turned and hurried out of Fluff and Stuff.

When I started down the sidewalk outside the laundromat my heart began to flutter. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to make it to my apartment. Every fiber in my being was demanding that I go back and admit that it was a mistake.

“No.” I spoke out loud to myself. “No, I am moving forward. I am moving on.”

I noticed a woman seated beside an overflowing shopping cart who gave me a strange look for talking to myself. I winced and tried to sort through my thoughts in my head rather than out loud.

Still, when I reached my apartment I burst into tears. They were tears wept for so many things, not just the loss of Fluff and Stuff. They were tears for the years I’d lived in fear. Tears for the future that I wasn’t sure would ever come. Tears for the love that I still wanted with Max and the love that I hoped for with Blue. By the time I was done, I felt as if my entire body had been cleansed of every dark emotion I’d ever felt. Sometimes it was good to cry.

I felt lighter as I took a shower and then headed to my computer. I didn’t even stop in the kitchen for a snack first. I was learning to feel my emotions rather than hide them.

As soon as I turned on my computer I saw the notification that I’d been waiting for. Blue had finally written me back. I was hesitant to open it, because I didn’t want to read the rejection. If it had been a yes, I was sure that he would have written me back sooner.

Still, I couldn’t resist. I clicked the message.

SWF,

I would be honored to be a part of your celebration. I should be able to attend. There are some other things going on, but as long as everything goes smoothly, I will be there. I am looking forward to seeing your beautiful face.

Blue (AKA Matthew)

I stared at the screen. Matthew? Of all the names I had thought of, Matthew was not one I expected. I could just see myself getting confused between Matt and Max. Then again, if I ever slipped up and called one of them the other’s name, at least they probably wouldn’t notice.

I reread the e-mail. Other things going on? It made me wonder just what Blue’s life was like. Again I realized that I didn’t really know that much about him. What I did know wasn’t exactly definite information. Was he having difficulty in his life? Had I been so caught up in myself that I had barely noticed the struggle Blue was having?

Then it dawned on me that that might not be the case. He might have just given himself an easy way out if he didn’t want to go to the party. I tried to convince myself that was not the case, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it probably was. I decided not to send back an e-mail right away. Instead I picked up the phone to call Max.

“Yes, gorgeous?”

“Matthew. His name is Matthew.”