He nodded. “I know it’s not much, but it will do until I make some decisions. Can I get you anything? Something to drink?
I don’t have much besides water. Think I might have a couple of sodas. It’s too early for wine.”
“I’m fine.” She held the bag up. “Brought you some bagels.”
“Thanks,” he said, accepting the gift. “I had a pretty big breakfast, but would you like one now?”
She shook her head, and he motioned for her to sit on a dreary gray couch as he sat across from her in a hardback chair and
switched the television off with the remote. “So what brings you here at”—he checked his watch—“barely ten o’clock in the
morning on a weekday? Don’t you have clients?”
“I canceled them. I really want us to talk, and when I called the store they told me that you were off today.”
He leaned back, tilting the chair on two legs. She hated it when he did that. She worried that he would fall and bust his
head wide open. Normally she would have said something and he would have protested, but not today. She wanted to preserve
the peace so they could talk calmly.
“I’m not sure there’s much to discuss yet,” he said, rubbing his hand across his scalp. “I’m still thinking. But you go ahead.
Say what’s on your mind.”
She clasped her hands. “I don’t know where to start, really. It feels strange, talking to you here like this. You keep saying
you haven’t made any decisions, but I need to know what’s going to happen with us sooner rather than later. I need to know
what you’re planning to do, even if it’s just a guess for now. It’s not fair to leave me hanging for weeks at a time with
no clue whatsoever.”
He nodded with understanding. “It’s not that I want to leave you hanging. That’s not my intent at all. I honestly haven’t
made any final decisions yet. I just know that I can’t go on the way we are, living the lifestyle we have. It leaves me feeling
completely empty. It even repulses me.” He paused when he saw her flinch. “Sorry, but that’s the truth as best as I can give
it to you now. You want the truth, right?”
She nodded and he continued.
“I know you think it was crazy to leave the law firm, but it’s the best thing I’ve done lately. I was able to start clearing
my head and do more thinking about what I do and don’t want out of life. Mostly so far it’s what I
don’t
want.”
“And am I one of the things you’ve decided you don’t want anymore?”
He glanced down at his fingers, then looked directly at her. “I can’t answer that yet.”
“Truthfully?” she asked. “Or are you reluctant to tell me what you’re really thinking? Don’t worry about hurting my feelings.”
“That’s the truth. I haven’t made any decisions yet. You’ll be the first to know when I do.”
“Do you still love me, Kevin?” The question had come out of the blue, and as soon as she asked she regretted it. She could
see that it had taken him by surprise. She had a sudden sinking feeling that she might not like his response.
He cleared his throat. “Of course I do. But, you know, if I’m honest with you, not in the way I once did.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“We’ve shared a lot together. We have a son and daughter who mean the world to me. I have fond memories of a lot of the things
we did together as a family. But to be perfectly honest—again, that’s what you want, right?”
She nodded slowly.
“I’m not attracted to you in a romantic way anymore.”
There it was, she thought. He’d admitted it, and it felt like a stab in the gut. “I see.” She closed her eyes and rubbed her
forehead with her fingers. Talk about crushed. She knew this kind of an answer was entirely possible, but a part of her had
stupidly hoped for the best, that he continued to love her in all the ways that a husband should. How was she supposed to
deal with the ugly truth now that he had revealed it?
She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was watching her intensely, waiting for her to respond.
“That hurts. I won’t lie.”
“I’m sorry.”
She bit her bottom lip to hold back the tears creeping up. What was the point in him being sorry? It was what it was. “How
long have you felt this way?”
“A couple of years now, I guess. I tried to accept it at first. I told myself that it was normal for my feelings to change,
given how long we’ve been married. And maybe it is normal for some couples. But I realize now that I don’t want to live that
way, and it’s not fair to me or to you to pretend that I feel something I don’t.”
She was silent. He had just dropped the biggest bomb on her D-day, and she wasn’t sure how to react. A part of her wanted
to yell and cuss him out. But for what? For leading her on all this time and not being truthful? Maybe. What really hurt was
learning that his feelings for her had changed, and he couldn’t exactly help that. In her work, she had often heard about
this kind of situation, and she knew that getting upset with him wouldn’t do a bit of good. If anything, that kind of response
could lead to his clamming up again. At least he was finally opening up about his thoughts and feelings.
“I’m glad you’re being honest with me,” she said. “It’s a shock, but I prefer to hear the truth.”
“I know you’re probably going to tell me that it can be fixed,” he said, a hesitant smile on his face.
She smiled in return. “I don’t know if I’d use that word. Certainly I don’t think we can go back to what we once had. But
it doesn’t have to mean the end of the road for us. It
is
possible to get passion and feelings back if you work at it.”
“I tried to tell myself that for a while, but I eventually realized that it’s not just you that my feelings have changed about;
it’s the whole lifestyle we live. I want to change my life in ways that I know you couldn’t deal with. That’s what I’ve been
agonizing over.”
“What do you want to change?” she asked.
“The whole upper-middle-class suburbia thing we’re living. It was fine for a while, when we were raising the kids. But there’s
so much more that I want to see and do while I can still stand up straight.”
“But you don’t have to be divorced to do those things.”
“I’m not talking about making temporary or small changes. Or even taking a long trip. I’m talking big, permanent change, Evelyn.
I see myself moving to New York City or Atlanta or even overseas somewhere in Africa. I don’t see myself ever coming back
to the McMansion and the suburban manicured lawn. I couldn’t practice law because I’d be moving from place to place, living
cheaply and simply. I would certainly come back here to visit the kids and my mom, but that’s about it. Could you give all
this up and live like that?”
Evelyn blinked hard and stared at him for a moment. She had wanted honesty, and boy, was she getting that. She realized now
that Kevin had changed at the core in more ways than she had imagined. When and how did this happen? “That
is
drastic.”
“You know what they say, be careful what you ask for. You asked for the whole story.”
Yes, she thought. And he had really put it all out there. She sighed deeply. She needed a moment to digest it. “Do you mind
if I have that glass of water now?”
“Sure.” He stood. “I’ll be right back.”
He went off to the kitchen area, and she walked around the main room of the tiny studio apartment. He had placed lots of photographs
of Rebecca and Andre around the room and even a small one of her on a side table. Everything else was foreign to her—chairs,
couch, tables. It felt as if a stranger lived here, not her husband.
She stopped and looked out the lone window in the room. And was that what he had become? A stranger? Was the man she had known
and loved all these years lost forever? She couldn’t answer that now, but she had to begin to consider it no matter how much
it pained her.
At least they were talking, and she knew that she had to be careful not to act like a fool as he opened up to her. Although
Kevin seemed to be fairly sure that their marriage was over—and she realized more than ever now that he might be right about
that—she wasn’t ready to give up yet. She had seen this countless times in her therapy sessions: one spouse wanting to call
it quits, or at least thinking he or she did; the other clinging to the last thread of hope. She had also seen couples bounce
back from the brink of divorce and restore their happy marriages. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. She was no good
as a therapist or as a wife if she didn’t give their relationship her very best effort.
Kevin returned, and as Evelyn accepted a plastic glass of water from him, she realized that he looked far more relaxed with
her than he had in months. It was probably a relief to him to finally get all of this out.
“Why didn’t you share this with me sooner?” she asked as they both sat back down.
“I wanted to, believe me. But I didn’t really understand what was happening at first. I just knew that I was feeling uneasy.
It was only when I began to make changes in my life—leaving the law firm, getting rid of the designer suits—that I started
to realize why I felt so bad. By the time I moved out earlier this month, it was clear to me that I needed to make major changes,
but I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I’m still not sure I can pick up and run off the way I just talked about. A
part of me wants to, but it’s a huge change.”
“You said something interesting. When you left your previous law firm and started your own ten years ago, were you starting
to feel all of this then?”
“I think that was the beginning,” he said. “I didn’t understand what it was then. I just knew that I wasn’t very happy. I
thought starting my own law firm would solve the problems, but it didn’t.”
She nodded.
“So there you have it,” he said.
“Sounds like you want to make changes but haven’t made up your mind just how many yet.”
“Pretty much,” he agreed.
So the door was still open, she thought, even if only by a crack. There was still a possibility of saving their marriage.
“Tell me,” he said after taking a sip of his water. “What are your thoughts about all of this?”
They were talking truth, right. She wasn’t going to hold back, either. “Basically, I think you’re being a selfish bastard
and very inconsiderate of me and the kids.”
He nodded. “Fair enough. So that—”
“Hold on,” she said, interrupting. “I’m just getting started. You could have let me in on what was going on a heck of a lot
sooner, even if you were only guessing, rather than leave me in the dark for months on end. Not understanding why you were
doing these things bothered me more than anything. I mean, I knew something was horribly wrong, yet I had no clue what it
was.”
“I was trying to spare your feelings until I knew more.”
“It didn’t work.”
“I see that now.”
“So where do we go from here, Kevin? What do we do?” A voice in her head wanted to know why in the hell was she asking him
that. Shouldn’t she be telling him it was over, given that he had so little left to give? But she wasn’t ready to do that.
She wanted her marriage to work.
He fiddled with his glass. “Like I said, I’m still trying to figure that out.”
“We should see a counselor.”
“Maybe,” he said, his voice full of reluctance. “Give me some time to think about that.”
“How much time?”
“Not much.”
“I need something more definite,” she insisted. “This isn’t just about you, you know.”
“Okay, I’ll call you this weekend and we’ll talk then.”
“And you’ll be ready to make some decisions?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Just be sure you call.” She placed her empty glass on the coffee table and stood. “Are you still planning to come to
Beverly’s wedding?”
He stood up after her. “Oh, yeah. She’s like a baby sister to me. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
Evelyn wanted to ask if they could go together, but she didn’t want him to think she was pushing. Then she thought she was
acting silly. She had known this man for ages. She shouldn’t be afraid to ask him something so simple. “Rebecca is coming
home for the wedding. We could all go together.”
“Rebecca told me she was going to be here, and I told her I’d see her at the wedding. Let’s leave it at that for now.”
“What’s the big deal about us going together? It’s not like I’m asking you to move back in. Just…” Evelyn paused and reminded
herself not to be pushy. “Never mind. That should be fine. I’ll wait for your call this weekend.”
They walked to the door, and he kissed her on the cheek as he opened it. She left without another word between them, and he
shut the door behind her.
She paused at the bottom of the stairs. She had just been reminded of what it felt like to be rejected by a man. You’d put
your feelings out there and he’d slapped them away. She hadn’t felt that since dating before she met and married Kevin. This
sickening feeling was further motivation to do everything in her power to avoid becoming single again.
A
s soon as the clock struck noon, Charmaine rushed out the door of her office and ran down the back stairs to the building’s
parking lot. It was kind of hard to gather speed in one of her trademark skintight skirts and a pair of four-inch heels. She
had to take lots of baby steps and probably looked like a fool. That was what she got for trying to look so cute all the damn
time.
But this situation with Kenny and Tiffany was urgent, and Charmaine really didn’t care much about her appearance at the moment.
Her boss was in the middle of preparing a big budget report, and she hadn’t been able to get away from the office until her
lunch hour. She had to come right back to work after her lunch break.
She tossed her shoulder bag onto the passenger seat of her Honda and sped off. This mess with Kenny and Tiffany had to happen
now. Thank God she worked and lived in Columbia and could get home in ten minutes. The house line had been busy every time
she’d called just before she left the office, and she couldn’t get through to Tyrone or Kenny on their cell phones. What the
hell was going on over there? She prayed that everything was all right and that she wasn’t about to walk into World War III.