Authors: Helen Libby
Driving
along Wrexham Road on my way home from work, a car pulls out of a junction;
it’s heading straight toward me! There’s traffic on the other side of the road
and so there’s nothing I can do. I brace myself for the impact. Bang! I’m
shunted sideways and my car ends up straddling the white line in the middle of
the road. I know I’ve got to get the car out of everyone’s way, but my hands are
trembling so much I can’t seem to grip the steering wheel.
I
jump as the door beside me opens suddenly. I look up, expecting to see the
other driver. ‘Leo.’ Somehow it seems perfectly normal to see him here.
He kneels down on the road beside
me. ‘Are you okay, Gemma?’
I manage a small smile. ‘I . . .
I think so.’
There’s a man standing behind Leo
holding a piece of paper and a pen. He has a lump on his forehead. I should be
angry – I mean, how could he not have seen me? Instead, I feel numb.
Leo places his bike on the
pavement and dashes back to me. ‘Come on.’
He helps me out of the car. My
legs are like jelly. He puts an arm round my shoulders and walks me over to the
bus shelter. Once he’s sat me down he moves my car with its freshly dented
passenger door to the bus lane. The other driver has done the same with his
car; its bonnet is crumpled a little. We exchange details. He doesn’t say much
and he’s soon gone; the traffic continues to flow. Leo holds me close and the
trembling subsides.
Pulling away – albeit reluctantly
- I look up at Leo who is staring at me intensely. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I was on my way home. I’m a
journalist at
The Leader
.’
He works just down the road from
here. I store away this piece of precious information. ‘I, I’d better go.
Thanks for your help.’ I stand up and the trembling begins anew.
Leo also stands ‘I could drive
you home if you like.’
‘But what about
your bike?’
‘Damn! I forgot about that.’ He
scratches his head. ‘How about I follow you home then, check you’re alright?’
Somehow I manage to drive home.
Leo follows me inside. Will isn’t home yet. ‘I’d better ring my insurance
company.’
He nods. ‘I’ll make a drink,
shall I?’
I show him where the kitchen is
and then ring the insurance company. My car will be picked up tomorrow morning
and they’ll also arrange for me to have a courtesy car. I ring Will next, only
to discover he’s in the pub with his mates.
‘Gem, I can’t come just yet. It’s
my round.’
I feel a surge of anger yet I
remain silent. I can’t bear arguments.
‘It’s no big deal is it? You’re
not hurt and the car can be fixed. We’ll talk later. Listen, I’d better go.’ He
ends the call.
I shake my head in disbelief and
sink down onto the sofa. You’ve hurt me, Will, I think. I’m still holding the
handset when Leo returns. He gently removes the phone from my hand and places
it back on its cradle.
‘He’s not coming.’ I feel so let
down. Am I wrong to? Is this how other men would behave?
Leo places a mug of hot tea in my
hand. ‘Drink up.’
The tea is sickly sweet, but with
each sip I can feel myself calming down. It’s dusk. Leo draws the curtains and
switches on a lamp. He’s been so kind to me and whilst I’m
loathe
to let him go, I know he can’t stay. It wouldn’t be right. As he sits down beside
me, I place a hand on his arm. ‘Leo, I’ll be alright now. Thank you for
everything you’ve done for me.’
‘I could make you something to
eat.’
I’m touched. ‘I’m not hungry, but
thanks for the offer.’ He’s so thoughtful, but it’s Will who should be here looking
after me.
‘You’re very pale, Gemma. I’m not
happy leaving you
like
this. Perhaps I should wait
until
your
…’
I think I hear a sharp intake of
breath.
‘…boyfriend gets back.’
‘No!’ I smile to soften my tone.
‘Honestly, I’m fine. I’m stronger than I look.’ I flex my arm and he smiles. I
really don’t want Will and Leo to meet, not that there’s much danger of that as
Will’s still in the pub, but you never know, he could still do the decent
thing.
‘If you’re
sure.’
Leo
kisses my cheek. ‘I’ll see myself out.’
I sit on the sofa for a long
time, holding my cheek. The later it gets, and the longer Will stays away, the
colder I get, both inside and out. I go to the bathroom and stare at myself in
the mirror. My eyes, normally blue-grey, appear grey tonight. Oh, where is
Will?
I go back downstairs. It’s 11pm.
I’m so tired and my neck is stiffening up. I really want to go to bed, but I’m
determined to wait up for Will. I can’t believe how thoughtless he is,
or
should that be selfish? I’d have gone to him if the
situation was reversed. I get up off the sofa and pace the living room. He must
be on his way by now.
Soon I’m back on the sofa,
dozing. I wake up with a start when I hear a key turn in the front door.
Seconds later Will’s leaning over me.
‘You alright, Gem?’ he slurs.
Eww! He reeks of lager. I push
him away and he stumbles. ‘How do you think?’
‘Don’t be like that, babe. Come
here.’ He tries to put his arms round me, but I can’t relax into his embrace.
‘I needed you earlier on, Will.’
He’s let me down. It’s not as if there was an important reason why he couldn’t
come home straightaway. I mean, he was out with his mates whom he sees most
nights. He put them - and a booze fest - first.
‘I’m here now.’
‘You’re too bloody late.’ I stand
up. ‘You can sleep on the sofa tonight.’
Will
struggles
to stand up. ‘You’re over-reacting. It’s not as if you were badly hurt.’ I
can’t resist slapping his face.
Needless to say I don’t sleep
very well. My neck aches, but it could be worse. Thoughts of the accident, the
skin cancer, Will and Leo whirl round in my mind.
I pretend to be asleep when Will comes into
the bedroom the following morning looking for a clean shirt. I can sense him
hovering over me, and when he’s gone I see he’s left me a cup of tea. I think
he is sorry – and so he should be – but I’m not ready to carry on as normal
with him just yet. I need to give our relationship some serious thought.
The following evening I gaze in delight
at the bunch of gorgeous deep pink peonies on the kitchen worktop; they’re my
favourite. Will is leaning against the cupboard, his arms folded against his
chest. I’m aware that he doesn’t look happy, but I’m too drawn to the plump,
layered beauties to care. He’s finally bought me flowers, I think. They must be
to say sorry. I cup one of the buds in my hand and stroke a petal
reverentially.
‘Who the hell is Leo?’
I jump and stare at Will,
nonplussed. ‘What?’
Will waves a tiny card in front of
my face. I snatch it from him.
To
Gemma,
Hope
you’re feeling better. Enjoy the flowers.
Leo
I’m floored; Leo has bought me
flowers! I want to look at the card in private, but one look at Will’s
thunderous face tells me I can’t do that.
‘He’s the guy who ran into me. We
exchanged details.’ I can hardly tell Will that Leo is a customer - one who
asked me out!
Will relaxes his stance a little.
‘That’s okay then.’ He strides out of the kitchen.
‘Will!’
He
reappears. ‘What?’
‘Where
are you going?’
‘Out.’
He
turns to go. I think about calling him back again, but say nothing. Things
would have been different if he’d bought me the flowers. I’m not being
superficial; I know that flowers wouldn’t have patched up our relationship, but
they’d have helped me to know that Will truly cares. He’s such a pig. He
doesn’t seem to care that I’ve had an accident, when I think I’m entitled to a
little TLC.
The
intoxicating aroma of the peonies makes me heady. I’m not used to being given
flowers – only delivering them. Another man has bought me flowers. Speaks
volumes, doesn’t it? Why then do I feel so guilty? I can’t help the fact that
Leo bought me flowers. I turned him down. Yes, I have a crush on him, but it
will fade in time – it has to if I’m ever going to be able to get things back
on track with Will. The question is
,
do I want to?
***
I’m
standing at the shop counter having just taken a phone order, when I see Leo’s
rangy figure approach. Cue deep intake of breath. ‘Leo! What are you doing
here?’ My heart’s racing.
‘I
wanted to see how you are.’
‘I’m
fine, thanks.’ Apart from my ping-pong emotions, that is.
‘Sure?’
His eyes roam my face. I can feel the tell-tale heat in my cheeks.
‘Sure.’
I smile, as does he. He has a lovely smile, which warms his pale green eyes.
‘I’m…’
‘Thank
you again for the flowers.’
‘I’m
glad you liked them. I was just going to say, I’m on my way to interview
someone. They live in Chester.’
‘Oh,
right.’ Why can’t I think of anything more interesting to say?
‘I
was wondering if you’d be free to meet me for lunch. I should be finished
around twelve.’
‘I’d
love to.’ I don’t even have to think about it. Does that make me a bad person?
‘Great.’
He suggests meeting at a pub nearby and we swap mobile numbers.
‘I’ll
see you there.’
Once
he’s gone I have an attack of guilt. I know Will and I aren’t getting on very
well at the moment, but he’s still my boyfriend. On the other hand, Leo has
become a friend, and it’s only lunch. Except - I bite my lip - maybe I’d like
him to be more than a friend. And what is Leo’s agenda? He knows I’m not
single. This is all wrong, and yet my feelings for Leo feel so right. What am I
going to do? I can’t even blame it on the accident. I felt like this before.
The way Leo was with me after the accident, well, it’s just intensified my
feelings.
I can’t meet Leo for lunch, not
feeling for him the way I do. It wouldn’t be fair to him, or to Will. Do Will
and I have a future? I don’t know. One thing I do know is that I’m not free to
go to lunch with Leo.
I
text Leo and after I’ve pressed “send” I hold the phone in my hand. Have I done
the right thing? I think so, so why do I feel so crap? I know nothing can
happen between me and Leo, and I also know I’m supposed to be being positive,
but it’s hard sometimes; I’m only human.
‘Let’s have a baby.’
I gawp at Will’s expectant face,
swallowing the piece of steak I was chewing on faster than I intended to.
Spluttering, I reach for my glass of water. When Will suggested we go out for
dinner, I thought it was his way of making it up to me after the accident. To
say I’m shocked is an understatement. Where has this come from? Will has never
expressed any interest in having kids before. He’s too much of a kid himself!
As for me, I do want kids one day but I don’t know if I want to have them with
Will. ‘You can’t be serious.’
Will leans forward. ‘Think about
it, Gem. We’ve got our own place, decent jobs. We’re solid. What’s to stop us
having a baby?’
Okay, I have definitely lost my
appetite. I don’t think we are solid, but I can’t bring myself to discuss our
relationship right at this moment. ‘I’m due to have an operation soon. I can’t
concentrate on anything else.’
Will is instantly contrite.
‘Sorry, Gem. I should have thought.’
Yes, you should have, I think,
but I say nothing. What I do do is ring Kate as soon as I get home, leaving
Will to catch up on some football highlights.
‘Can I come and stay with you?’
‘Yes, of course, but you know
you’d have to sleep on the sofa?’
‘I know, don’t worry. It won’t be
for long. I just need a bit of time to think – away from Will.’ And here my
voice cracks. What
Will
said earlier has brought
things to a head. It’s over, I know that deep down, but I can’t bring myself to
say it, not yet.
‘Don’t cry. You’ll sort things
out with Will.’
I shake my head miserably, then realise she
can’t see me. ‘I don’t think so, Kate.’
‘Because of the
baby thing?’
‘No, I think our relationship has
run its course. I’m not in love with Will any more. I love him like a brother.
The passion’s gone.’ I hadn’t been quite ready to end it, but Will has brought
things to a head.
‘Don’t make any rash decisions.’
I want her to tell me
everything’s going to be alright, that I’m going to be alright, but she can’t.
No one can.
***
I tell Will I’m leaving.
‘Is this about the baby idea?
Gem, it’s cool if you want to wait.’ He laughs. ‘Maybe I’m not ready for the
sleepless nights and cleaning up sick.’
‘It’s not just about the baby…’
‘I know what this is all about!
You want to get married right? Well, why not?’ Will drops to his knees. My
heart sinks as he takes hold of my hands. To think I used to dream of him
proposing. ‘Will you marry me, Gemma Jones?’ Will’s earnest blue eyes are fixed
on my face. His grin fades as the silence continues.
I concentrate on the reassuring
tick-tock of the clock, trying to find the right words. Are there any? ‘I can’t
marry you, Will,’ I say softly. ‘I’m sorry.’ I hate hurting him, but there’s no
other way.
He gets up. ‘So you don’t want to
have a baby with me, and you don’t want to marry me. What do you want, Gemma?’
He folds his arms.
I wince at his tone. ‘It’s not
working – you and me.’
‘It was and it can again. That’s
why we should get married.’
I wring my hands. ‘Getting
married isn’t going to fix things, Will. I love you, but I’m not in love with
you.’
‘What does that even mean?’ He
grips me by the shoulders. ‘I love you, Gem. This is just a blip. You’re not
thinking straight because of the skin cancer.’
Actually I think I’m thinking
more clearly than I have in years. ‘But are you in love with me, Will, really?
Aren’t we more like brother and sister?’
Will’s eyes are wide and
imploring. ‘We’ve been together for four years, Gem, and we’re a bit older now.
Of course the passion has faded, but I can’t imagine life without you. You’re
one of the fixtures and fittings.’ He grins.
‘We can have more than that,
Will, but with other people.’
His smile falters. ‘Is there
someone else?’
‘Yes,’ I say, tears streaming
down my cheeks. Will’s face blanches. ‘Not in the way you think. He’s a
customer; he asked me out.’
Will explodes: ‘Who the hell does
he think he is? You’re my girlfriend.’
‘I told him I was with someone.’
‘Good of you,’
Will
sneers.
‘Don’t be like that.’
‘Don’t be like what? I’m entitled
to be pissed off when some bloke hits on my girlfriend! Hang on a minute, he
sent you those flowers, didn’t he?’ Will’s face is very red. I nod. ‘You lied
to me.’
It’s the first time I’ve ever
lied to Will. ‘I’m sorry.’ I hang my head.
‘
What
about the operation? This isn’t a good time for you to be alone.’
I look up sharply.
‘That’s a low blow, Will.’
He takes a step
towards me,
then
stops.
‘I know, I’m
sorry.
I just can’t believe it’s over.’
I soften. ‘It’s the right
decision, Will, you know it deep down.’
He stares at me. ‘Perhaps you’re
right,’ he says eventually, ‘but we could have rubbed along together.’
‘I don’t want to just “rub”
along.’ I don’t know whether anything will ever happen with Leo, but staying
with Will just because it’s safe wouldn’t be right for either of us.
Will nods,
then
grips me fiercely. I hug him back. We stay like that for ages. Eventually he
releases me and strides out of the room, leaving me in bits.