Authors: Helen Libby
I’ve always fancied going on the London
Eye at dusk, and so Leo pre-booked a “flight” for us both. We cuddle whilst
waiting to board a capsule.
‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’
Leo nuzzles my nose.
‘What is it?’
‘Wait and see, Miss Impatient.’
He laughs.
When we’re in our gondola and have
begun making our ascent, Leo pulls out a small bottle of champagne from his
inside pocket, along with two plastic champagne flutes from his other pocket. I
let out a squeak. ‘Leo!’ He grins.
Minutes later I’m sipping
champagne whilst overlooking the twinkling lights of London, my boyfriend
beside me. It couldn’t be more romantic, and I savour every moment. It’s
something else I’ve achieved on my list.
We head to Leicester Square
afterwards where we have a meal
in
Garfunkel’s
.
We then make our way back to Leo’s place via the
tube. He’s renting a room in a colleague’s flat. I’m not sure I’d want to use
the Underground every day as even at 8pm it’s busy. We can’t get seats and so
hang on to each other near the door.
‘God!
I hate this,’ Leo says through
gritted teeth.
I make a sympathetic noise, and
snuggle closer into him. ‘This isn’t so bad though.’
‘I mean it, Gemma, I hate it down
here.’
‘You haven’t given it enough
time,’ I say soothingly. Suddenly the mood has turned negative. I listen to the
rattle of the train.
‘Are you happy, Gemma?’
I look round at all the people
squashed around us. ‘Leo, this isn’t the place for a conversation like this.’
Mind
the gap.
‘Well, I’m not happy. I’m bloody
miserable. I hate being so far away from you. I’m moving back.’
I look up. ‘What? You can’t, not
yet. You haven’t been here long. And I don’t want to be the reason you give
your dream up.’
‘You’re my dream, Gemma.’
I go weak at the knees, but
there’s still a stubborn voice inside me saying I must persuade Leo to stay in
London. Why? I shake my head. ‘You need to give it a bit more time.’
‘Why are you so insistent I stay
here? Don’t you want to see more of me?’
‘Of course I do.’
‘You’ve got a funny way of
showing it!’
We’re silent for the remainder of
the journey. I’m wondering now just how successful this weekend is going to be.
Not very, at this rate.
I don’t want Leo to be
unhappy, of course I don’t, but I feel he needs to give this job – and London –
more of a chance. On the way home we call a truce; we want to make the most of
our time together after all, but it’s a fragile one and I feel uneasy.
I sigh deeply over a cappuccino
in Costa.
Kate is on alert. ‘What’s the
matter?
‘It’s Leo,’ I say flatly.
‘He’s okay isn’t he?’ Kate’s
voice
rises
an octave.
‘Oh, he’s fine,’ I say, for Kate
is no doubt imagining all sorts.
‘Have you two had a row?’ She
frowns.
‘No, nothing
like that.
It’s just – I miss him so much.’ I definitely would not recommend a long distance
relationship. Even though the time Leo and I spend together is precious, it’s
so fleeting. And when we’re together it’s always with the knowledge that we’ve
got to part again soon. It’s tough.
‘Have you told him how you feel?’
I shake my head. ‘No, he doesn’t
need any more encouragement to move back.’
‘I don’t understand you, Gemma.
If Leo wants to come back,
then
let him.’
‘I don’t understand myself.’ I
sometimes wonder whether I’m punishing myself (and Leo by default) because of
what I did to Will.
‘I think we need cake.’ Kate
rises and heads towards the counter. She gets served surprisingly quickly and
returns with two scrumptious pieces of caramel shortbread.
‘You know what you have to do,
don’t you?’ Kate licks a crumb from her bottom lip.
‘What?’
‘Move down there.’ Has Kate taken
a chill pill? She’s blossomed since New York.
I’m not so relaxed. ‘What? You
can’t be serious. I don’t want to live in London.’
‘But it’s where Leo is.’ She
smiles.
I shouldn’t dismiss the idea I
suppose. It would be hard to leave Mold; my family and friends are here. Yet my
heart is with Leo and so perhaps I should move to London. They need florists in
London right? Maybe Leo would settle then.
I broach the subject of me moving
to London to Leo the following day on the phone.
Silence from Leo, then; ‘I’m not
sure that’s a good idea, Gemma.’
I’m a bit taken aback. ‘Don’t
you?’
‘You wouldn’t like living here.
It’s not your sort of place.’
I can’t help but feel indignant
at his know-it-all tone. ‘But you’d be there.’ And that of course would be the
big draw for me.
‘Put the idea out of your head,
Gemma. There’s no point in you moving to London. I won’t be here forever.’
It seems I’m more serious about
Leo than he is about me.
He’s obviously
happy with a long distance relationship. Does he even want to be with me any
more? I feel rejected, not to mention embarrassed. I have one last try. ‘Don’t
you want us to spend more time together?’ I say quietly, trying to suppress a
sob.
‘Yes, but…hang on a minute, Gem.’
I can hear him talking to someone.
There’s a ‘but’ - that’s not
good. I wish I could see his face. I should have put this to him face-to-face,
not over the telephone.
Stupid, stupid.
I certainly
shouldn’t have called him at work, but I was excited and I thought he’d love
the idea.
Silly old me eh?
‘Listen, Gemma, I’m going to have
to go. My editor wants to see me. I’ll call you later.’ He hangs up. I can’t
believe it. The sound of a dialling tone, followed by the out-of-order tone, is
rather sad. Leo’s busy and is getting on with his life, whereas I, what am I
doing? Waiting to see if I’ve got the ‘all clear’ or not.
I sink down onto the hall floor,
tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m absolutely gutted. My world’s crashing down
around me. I’ve tried so hard to be positive. The skin cancer, leaving Will,
falling in love with Leo – I think it’s all catching up with me. I make a
decision;
I’m going to break up with Leo. A
long distance relationship just isn’t for me. I want a boyfriend who I can see
most days, who lives locally. Just like Leo did before you convinced him to
give London a try, a treacherous voice whispers.
Touché.
With my head in my hands, I groan aloud. Leo was happy to stay in Mold, but I
told him to go. What was I thinking? But it could have worked. I’m prepared to
move to London, but Leo doesn’t want me there.
Gathering all my strength I ring
his mobile; it goes to voicemail. I tell Leo that I’ve been doing a lot of
thinking and that I think it’s best if we don’t see each other any more, my
heart breaking a little more with every word. And then it really is over as
before my voices cracks I end the call and unplug the phone. I also switch off
my mobile. I think what I’ve done is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel that
way at the moment.
I’ve just had the
best news. I’m cancer free. Cancer free! I can’t begin to describe how relieved
I feel, as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I had no reason to think that the cancer had returned,
but the fear was always lurking at the back of my mind. Mum and Dad came with
me to see Mr Davison. I was crying, Mum was crying, and even Dad looked a bit
tearful. Happy tears of course. They’re satisfied they’ve removed enough skin -
the melanoma was only in the surface layers. I’ll need to have check-ups every
three months for three years, and then every six months for another two years,
but no matter.
To mark the occasion
we go to the Glasfryn for lunch. There’s an ache in my heart over Leo not being
with us, but today needs marking.
Back home I can’t
wait to share my news. The phone is red hot.
Marie says, ‘That’s
brilliant, kiddo.’
Will says, ‘That’s
the best news I’ve had in ages.’ Will also tells me he’s started dating again.
He’s getting on with his life, and I’m glad about that. He deserves to be
happy.
I save Kate ‘til
last. She says, ‘
That’s
really good news, Gemma, but
what about your scars?’ Cue my spirits plummeting, but only for a second. So I
have scars, so what? They’ll improve in time, and hey, I’m alive! I have to
smile. Kate can’t help herself.
I hesitate over Leo.
Despite the fact it’s over between us, I think he’d like to know I’ve got the
all clear. We haven’t spoken, not since I rang him to tell him it was over.
It’s not for the want of trying on Leo’s part. He’s left messages for me on my
home phone and my mobile and he’s emailed me, but I haven’t replied. What’s the
point?
Two
hours later I’m still dithering over whether it would be okay to tell him by
text, when the doorbell rings.
I consider ignoring whoever it is, but then I hear a familiar
voice calling my name through the letterbox. It’s Leo.
My
heart sings, I can’t help it.
Then I groan as I realise what I’m wearing
- faded leggings and a baggy t-shirt. I know we’re not together any more, but I
still have my pride. There’s no time to change though. Smoothing my hair I open
the door. ‘Leo, what are you doing here?’
He has dark circles
under his eyes. He doesn’t speak, simply pulls me to him and enfolds me in the
biggest hug ever. He smells of the city, and he warms my chilled heart. He then
pulls away from me, and I can’t help a small whimper of protest escaping. ‘Now,
what’s this about it being over between us?’ he says gruffly. ‘You haven’t
given me a chance to say anything. You wouldn’t answer any of my calls.’
I look down, feeling
guilty, but he lifts my chin up. ‘Is that fair?’
‘No,’ I whisper. ‘I’m
sorry.’
‘Why, Gemma?’
‘You know why.’
Leo shakes his head.
‘No, I honestly don’t.’
‘You don’t want to be
with me any more.’
‘Oh,
Gemma.
Is that what you thought? Nothing could be further from the
truth.’ A tear trickles down my cheek, and he pulls me close once more. ‘It was
killing me, not being able to talk to you.’
I can’t help but feel
some hope at his words. ‘But when you wouldn’t even consider me moving to
London . . .’
He pulls away from me
again, but this time takes hold of my hands. ‘What you didn’t know was that at
that point I’d already decided to move back to Mold. I wanted to give my notice
in before I told you.’
‘Are you serious?’ I
say in a squeaky voice.
He nods.
‘Never been more serious in my life.
I’ve missed you so
much. I love you, Gemma. This is for keeps as far as I’m concerned.’
Thrilled, I fling my
arms round his neck.
‘I take it this means
you don’t want to break up with me?’ he says over my shoulder.
I pull back slightly
and cup his beloved face in my hands. ‘No, I never wanted to. I love you so
much, Leo. But are you sure, about moving back here?’
‘Absolutely.’
Our kiss is long and
deep. Afterwards Leo tells me that when he spoke to his editor he was offered
freelance work. He’ll have to go to the office in London from time to time, but
only for short trips, which means he’s home for good. It’s the best of both
worlds.
We also
agree we’re going to look for a house to buy together.
I’m so happy.
I remember something
on my list. I lean back so I can see Leo’s face. ‘How do you feel about us
getting a dog?’
‘I would love to get
a dog with you, Miss Jones.’ His eyes are warm and crinkly.
There’s a lump in my
throat and I haven’t even told Leo yet about me being cancer free. I will, just
as soon as he’s stopped covering me in kisses. I can hardly believe it.
Everything has worked out.
Today is my
thirtieth
birthday and to celebrate I’m having a meal at the Plas Hafod Hotel. I could
have had a party but I decided I wanted something smaller, more intimate, a
meal with the people closest to me. I’m wearing an amethyst-coloured satin prom
dress, which Leo bought me. I love it. I can’t stop twirling around in it, it
feels so girly.
Leo enters the
bedroom. He’s been ready for ages of course. ‘Hello, sexy.’ He kisses me until
I’m breathless. We’ve booked a taxi and when we arrive at the hotel. Mum, Dad,
Kate and Marie are waiting. I thought about inviting Will. This meal is as much
to celebrate my beating skin cancer as it is to celebrate the big 3 0, and Will
has been involved from the beginning, but I decided it wasn’t appropriate.
Topiary trees lit
with tiny white LED lights have been positioned along the walls of the
conservatory. Flickering tea lights and small bunches of purple roses have been
dotted around our table, and there’s a generous scattering of confetti. It all
looks lovely. Then I notice the large helium-filled silver foil ‘3’ and ‘0’
balloons tied to what must be my chair. I grin and take a fluted glass of
champagne from the waiter who has appeared. The bubbles go straight to my head,
so I sit down quickly. Everyone else remains standing.
‘To Gemma,’ says Leo.
I beam at him. I’m so glad he’s a part of my life.
‘To Gemma,’ everyone
choruses. I can’t help but blush.
We’re served pretty
quickly with sirloin steak and chips at my request as starters aren’t for me.
Dessert is a cake which my mum made. It’s beautiful, covered in ivory icing
with pink and purple sugar flowers trailing from the top down the sides,
complete with a ‘30’ candle.
Our glasses are
refilled with the pink fizzy stuff. ‘Happy Birthday, Gemma!’ Everyone clinks
glasses. I asked them not to sing – way too embarrassing in public. I look
around at everyone, at my parents, Kate, Marie, and Leo, my man. I can see the
love in their eyes. Not for the first time I think how very lucky I am.
The melanoma was
caught early – it doesn’t bear thinking about what might have happened if I
hadn’t had it checked out - so I won’t.
I may not have done
everything on my list yet, but I will; Leo and I have started planning our hike
up Snowdon; my parents bought me roller blades for my birthday, whilst Kate
gave me a beautiful leather-bound collection of Jane Austen’s novels. I mean to
keep adding to the list. How about things to do before I’m forty? God! I can’t
imagine being forty, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Back to today, to my
thirtieth birthday. There have been some big changes in my life this past
year and I’ve learnt not to take life for granted. I’ve been given a second
chance and I mean to make the most of every precious moment life has to offer.
The End