“I don’t want to lose you, Brandon. I can’t lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. What are you talking about?”
She wrapped her arms around his neck once more.
A gagging noise gurgled up from his throat. “Nat, baby, you’re choking me.”
“I’ll do better, I promise. I promise. I swear to God.”
He pulled apart from her, holding his hands at the sides of her arms. “Give me a minute. I’m going to put on some pants, then we’re going to talk, okay?”
She nodded quickly and he kissed her cheek, disappearing into the bathroom.
When he returned, he sat down on the bed next to her and handed her a small stack of tissues. He then wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
“You could’ve had anyone, chosen anyone. Girls worshipped you. Why me?”
She would later blame her sudden bout of emotion on her hormones, impending fear of being a bad mother, and something else. But for the moment, she’d settle her head into the nook on Brandon’s chest and pretend like the rest of the world didn’t exist.
“You can’t, after all of this time, not know the answer to that question,” he murmured. His lips grazed her forehead gingerly.
“When I first met you, I didn’t know what to make of you. I was afraid of your intentions, of the way you looked at me, of how well you could read me so soon. All of a sudden, you existed in my little world. And I never knew why.
“A year later, I had fallen in love with you. But I couldn’t tell you. I refused to give you the satisfaction. And with Sophia...she was far too present in your life...and...”
“And what...?”
“Did you mean it, Brandon? Do you really feel like it would have been easier marrying her instead of me?”
Brandon sighed heavily, and lowered his head. Natalie placed a hand on his forearm. Then he looked down at her again. “Yes.”
GHOSTS
“IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO BE WITH HER.”
He took a cue from the expression on her face and quickly mended his words. “It would have been easier to be married to her. But that’s not to say I would’ve been fulfilled.”
“How often do you think about this?”
He bounced his shoulders. “Not often enough. When we fight, I panic. When we fight and you walk out or you shut down, I don’t feel in control. I could handle fights with Sophia, you see. They were empty. They didn’t mean a damn thing. I always felt in control. But when I fight with you, when I see you walk away from me, it kills me. I no longer feel like any of my impending actions will be my own. They’ll come from somewhere else. A desperation, maybe, to get you back into my clutches as soon as possible. It’s a love that’s been out of my control for years.”
“Do you think about her?”
“Hardly. No.”
“That night...it made me so sick to think about you contacting her. The audacity of it all. My actions, your actions. Seeing her name in your phone again...it just...”
“Nat, she’s perfectly settled into a new relationship from what I hear. All past damages are done. The conversation I had with her, however drunk, muddled or incoherent, didn’t last much longer than a few seconds at best. Her reply was, ‘yes, but you belong to her...you’ve always belonged to her...I’ve never seen something more clear in my life’. I couldn’t believe it.”
“You’re telling me.”
“The only thing I wanted was you back in our bed.”
She chuckled. “I’m so sorry.”
“You keep saying that but you’re not elaborating.”
“You should know,” she replied shyly. “I’ve put you through everything imaginable, and yet you’re still here. You’re still the Brandy who chases me through the park while playing Freeze Tag.”
He laughed. “God, that was so long ago. You were so cooperative that day. It was such a turn on.”
She shook her head from side to side reflectively. “Brandon, how do you ever deal with someone like me? Please...tell me.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Tallie. A long time ago, I figured no matter how far we tried to run from one another, it would all catch up with us eventually. I mean, we’ve said some shitty things, done some shitty things, all in an effort to move on and gain some semblance of stability again. But here you and I are...married for God’s sake. In love. We went years without talking, we dated other people...I mean, isn’t that the right climate for change? But here we are, still, fighting and making love and creating a future years later. How incredible is that?”
“Pretty incredible,” she replied.
“Don’t be so apologetic. That scares me. Just promise to be as strong for me as I am for you. And we’ll be okay. That was the point I was trying to make.”
SHE LAID AS PEACEABLY AS SHE COULD WITH BRANDON THAT NIGHT, with her head lingering in his nook. They both stared toward the ceiling, breathing easily.
It was late. Scotty and Asha were in the next room, audibly and graphically making love. Brandon was laughing at their blatant lack of couth; Natalie squeezed her husband tighter.
“My God,” she murmured. “I’m twenty years old all over again.”
“And I’m twenty-three and jealous.”
She nudged him lightly. “It wasn’t easy for me either.”
“Maybe not. But you’ve had strawberry ice cream before, right?”
“What does sex have to do with ice cream?”
“Answer the question.”
“Of course. Favorite flavor.”
“I’m aware. Imagine me bringing in a big bowl of strawberry ice cream from that place you loved in Athens...”
“Sarah’s?”
“Yea, that place. Imagine that I brought you a big, old bowl of your favorite ice cream from Sarah’s. It’s the best churning job, best color, best taste. You know that as soon as you take the first bite, you’ll orgasm everywhere...”
“That’s graphic, but I’m following...”
“Now...imagine me saying, ‘You can’t have this ice cream for another three or four years’...but I place it in the freezer for you to watch, day after day...month after month. You may see it, salivate over it...you may even stick your pinky finger in it and have a taste, just to take the edge off...but you still can’t have it in its entirety...”
Natalie pursed her lips. “Well said...”
“The whole plane ride down to Nevis, I couldn’t sit still. I just knew that I’d do damage to you, the moment I got you alone.”
Her cheeks warmed. “Brandon David!”
“It’s true,” he chuckled. “I’d saved up all of my energy for you. Every time prior to that moment, I couldn’t stand watching you get out of the shower, change clothes, wear those ridiculously short cheerleading shorts, smell your perfume. You were mine. You’d always been mine. And I wanted all of you. Even now, I still have some difficulty minding my manners when you walk into a room.”
“And you don’t think I feel the same way?”
“I don’t wear perfume, so I’m not sure.”
“Brandon...”
“I never know, Natalie. One minute you’re the playful, intelligent girl I fell in love with. The next, I can’t read your thoughts. I’ve convinced myself that one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone for good. That whatever I’m doing isn’t good enough.”
“Don’t say that...”
She wished she could be as articulate as him. She’d always wished that. Brandon Greene’s verbal effectiveness was one of the very many reasons why she loved him. How could one person always know what to say? How could he always divulge their feelings with no regard to judgment? She wondered how and why someone so verbose and so sickeningly charismatic could fall victim to a small town black girl with an irremovable chip on her shoulder?
She parted her lips to reply, but Brandon thwarted her progress, tilting her face up by the chin to greet his eyes.
“I’ll always feel protective of you, Natalie. “I’ll always want to take some ownership of you. You’re mine.”
He kissed her lips once. She forgot how vehement he could be. But the thump of her heart reminded her. She returned his kiss.
The sound of the headboard in the neighboring bedroom created a giant thud against their wall. Natalie shrieked and Brandon laughed again.
“I’m glad Asha’s getting some,” he began, pulling her closer. “She had a shitty attitude earlier.”
“You’re telling me.”
“What’s going on with the two of you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. You two seemed tense.”
“Can’t say. She’s fine, I’m fine.”
“Must’ve been my imagination.”
She shrugged with feigned indifference, and he didn’t seem to notice the gesture.
She leaned upward to him, kissing the space just below his chin. “I’m never running again.”
“I hope not,” he whispered. “Because I don’t think I can chase you anymore.”
BY BREAK OF MORNING, they were all sitting at a cafe downtown. There was a haze of clouds above their heads, but the sunlight was desperate to peek through.
Asha had apologized. She explained that she’d been laid off from her job a couple of weeks earlier and wasn’t in her right mind. Scotty was the only one that knew. She’d tried to suppress the anger she’d felt at being let go from a place she’d put her all into for four years, but it came out anyway, and had been uselessly directed at Natalie.
“It’s okay,” Natalie said, reaching for her hand across the table. “You’re apologizing to a pregnant woman for being overly emotional. Trust me, I understand.”
Brandon then went into his own speil about having to deal with his wife emotionally instability and odd food cravings.
Natalie only rolled her eyes. “But you’re still married to me, right? So you’ll be okay.”
Scotty then gazed around him, upward, skyward and outward, sighing. “I could get used to living out here. It’s so different. But it’s a good different.”
Asha peered in his direction. “Do you want me to tell them or you going to do it?”
Scotty met her gaze. “I’ll do it. You suck at explaining things.”
“We’d like to know too,” Brandon said. “I feel like we have something to do with this...”
“You do,” Scotty replied. “Well...Ash and myself have had a couple of conversations. About where we see ourselves in the next few years. And Asha said that she was sick of the south and wanted something different. I agreed. So...we started looking at different cities, different regions, different areas. And then we thought about you guys...”
“Yea? And...?” Natalie pressed.
“Well, it’ll take a couple of months,” Scotty continued. “But Asha and I are coming out here to the west coast. We decided it last night.”
Natalie laid her hand on Brandon’s arm.
“Wait,” Brandon said. “You’re using a lot of ‘we’...can I venture to guess that you two are finally moving things to the next level?”
“Ah, hell, we’ve been together,” Asha admitted. “We just don’t share every facet of our relationship like you two.”
“Fair enough,” Natalie replied, gazing up at Brandon with a grin.
Scotty wrapped his arm around Asha’s shoulder gingerly. “Yea, we’ve been together for two or three years now...I’ve lost count...”
“Let’s just settle for two and a half,” Asha replied. “We’re getting stronger. We both still have our weaknesses, of course. But we’re fighting through them.”
Brandon and Natalie looked at each other. Her husband smiled. She winked at him in return.
“Well,” Brandon began. “It might get a little busy around the house in a few months with a baby in the house...but you are more than welcome to stay until you get settled.”
Asha leaned forward. “No, no. That would be asking too much. Scotty and I have already started looking. We’re still a little stuck on differentiating one neighborhood from the next, but we’ll get there. You guys worry about the baby. Just promise you’ll be around when we need help moving.”
Scotty scoffed. “Yea, because she’s too damn cheap to hire real movers.”
Rolling her eyes, Asha nudged him quickly. “Scotland, please. We’ll make do. Don’t you worry. Just know that we’re coming. And we hope you’re excited.”
Natalie then began to cry. Brandon wrapped his arm around his wife comfortingly, pursed his lips and remarked, “Lord, here she goes again.”
Scotty began to laugh and Asha joined in quickly thereafter.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m just so happy. I’m just so...oh, stop laughing! It’s these damn hormones. Stop it!”
Brandon pressed his lips into her temple. “Don’t worry, baby. It’ll all be over in a couple of months, promise. So, what are you guys looking at? Apartments, townhouses, condos, houses?”
Scotty bounced his shoulders. “We’re looking at ‘affordable’. Are you familiar with that?”
Brandon chuckled. “Fair enough. Well, I was thinking that maybe Natalie could ask that Bellamy guy if he knows of any good places. He seems to know the area pretty well, right?”
Natalie looked up at him, as if to assure that he’d said the right name. And for a glimpse of a moment, she’d convinced herself that she’d forgotten her foolish thoughts.
However ridiculous, they seemed real again, as though the mere mentioning of his name could bring all idealistic, overdramatic thoughts to a tumbling thud on the ground.
She wondered if her husband could see the selfish thoughts seething out of her. She wondered if he could see any of it. She swallowed thickly. It was best to answer quickly. Her resolve was fading in fleeting light, like the plight of a soon-to-be-missed sunset.
“Yea, I suppose so...”
“Great,” he replied, smiling. “Would you mind asking him tomorrow before they get on their flight back?”
She nodded wistfully. “Of course. No problem. Ask Bellamy. Done deal.”
BUT TOMORROW CAME AND BELLAMY DID NOT SHOW. At least, from what she could see. She spent a great deal of the morning in the hospital, shuffling through paperwork; however, she retained no new information. Something about standing there, envious of the people and their unchanged lives surrounding her, made her feel as though she’d unwillingly stumbled on some new information that she didn’t want to know. There was no way of altering it, unseeing it, numbing herself to it.