Authors: NC Marshall
I’m
feeling vastly proud of myself as I start to get ready for the night ahead. Not
only can we celebrate my brother’s engagement tonight, but now my new job
offer, too. Who would have thought it? Maybe I’m not as bad as I thought. I
step out of the en-suite bathroom, wrapping a towel around my damp hair as I
go. Steam from the hot shower follows me as I enter the bedroom.
Dan
has gone to drop Josh off at my friend Kate’s house. I called her when I
arrived home from Mum’s, hoping that she wouldn’t have plans and was able to
take Josh for the night at such short notice. Kate had kindly reassured me that
it wasn’t a problem. All she had planned for the night ahead was crappy reality
TV and a Saturday night Chinese takeaway. Josh would be welcome company.
I
met Kate back in college, where we had studied the same courses and had become
close shortly after we first met. We have a lot in common, and our sense of
humour is an identical match. Kate didn’t finish the A-levels, as I had.
Instead, she took the chance and went off to do a hairdressing apprenticeship.
It had paid off for her. After years of hard work and determination, she now
owns a fashionable city-based salon that is very successful. We have kept in
touch over the years and remain as close as ever now.
Kate
had recently divorced her husband, Mitch. It was a mutual agreement, and they
still remain friends. They had simply fallen out of love after six years of marriage
and have now both gone their separate ways. Kate has been seeing someone, but
it isn’t serious. I doubt that she will ever re-marry. Kate and Mitch never
started a family, although she would have liked kids, they just didn’t get to
that stage. Kate loves spending time with Josh, and the feeling is
reciprocated. She’s been great since the day he was born, always there to help.
It’s a little difficult sometimes, Dan works away from home so much.
She’s
grown to spend quite a bit of time with Josh over the years. Recently, he has
even taken to calling her ‘Auntie.’ I’m happy for him to have a stand-in aunt,
although she will never replace his real aunt. Kate is well aware of this, and
respects it.
I
step towards the large wardrobes that line the back wall of the room and slide
open the doors to pick out something to wear. As my hand trails the numerous
dresses in the far corner of the rail, it hits a silk padded hanger. I pull it
out, carefully unzipping the transparent plastic liner covering it. My wedding
dress is stunning. I trace my hand over the ivory silk and sequin-studded
bodice, remembering the lavish event in a remote Scottish castle. The day had
been unforgettable. I gently put the dress back away and sit down on the
cushioned window seat near me. I look out onto the hills which sit in the
darkness, and my mind rewinds back three years, to the day that Jess and Matt
were married.
“I’m
ready,” Jess had shouted on the morning of her wedding day. As I walked into
the bedroom that we had shared in the lake house as kids, I couldn’t believe
the vision I saw in front of me. Jess stood bathed in sunlight, as the curtain
from the open window behind her blew gently in the warm August breeze. Her
flawless skin was lightly tanned and she wore a simple long white dress,
flowing to the floor, with thin sparkling diamante covered straps. Her brown
shoulders were bare, and her long blonde hair was curled and piled on top of
her head with ringlets falling, loosely framing her face. She held a simple
bouquet of pale pink roses and wore a silver necklace holding a tiny sparkling
diamond. She smiled brightly as I entered the room, her nude-coloured lips
revealing the small dark freckle on the tip of her mouth. It’s the most
beautiful I had ever seen her look.
The
day was fantastic. Jess and Matt were married in the small town chapel where
she would, unknowingly and sadly, later be buried. Ryan had walked her down the
small aisle looking as proud as I had ever seen. I remember thinking how much
he looked like dad at that moment, silently resenting the fact that Dad
couldn’t be there with us and had missed out on the opportunity to give away
his second daughter.
After
the service, we returned to our parent’s house, where the reception was held in
a massive marquee in the front gardens overlooking the lake. The marquee was
filled with fresh flowers and dressed with twinkling white fairy lights. Giant
bows wrapped the guest’s seats, which surrounded round tables covered with
crisp white tablecloths. As Jess and Matt entered the dance floor for their
first dance as man and wife, Matt held her close, kissing her tenderly and
whispering in her ear as she threw her head back and laughed. I had never seen
her look happier than she had been at that moment. It’s a memory I will always
treasure.
I
hear the front door slam loudly downstairs. Dan calls out to say he is back as
I hear his car keys being tossed onto the table in the hall. I quickly get
dressed, throwing on a simple black shift dress before running downstairs, just
in time for the taxi pulling up outside.
Dan
greets me at the bottom of the stairs, looking very handsome in a plain black
shirt and blue jeans. His dark hair is greying slightly at the sides. There is
a light dash of stubble on his chin, also showing small flecks of silver. For
once, his deep blue eyes don’t look tired, and I assume that the free time
today has done him some good.
“Well,
hello gorgeous, can someone please tell me where my wife is?” he asks, jokingly
looking behind me as if expecting his real wife to follow me down the stairs at
any moment. In a way, his comment is right. It’s very rare that I get dressed
up these days, we hardly go out anymore. It’s a routine that we’ve become stuck
in and really need to break.
Dan
grabs me around the waist and pulls me towards him. I can smell the strong
aftershave that I bought him for our wedding anniversary last year as he pulls
me close. He kisses my lips, then moves his mouth down to my neck, pinching my
behind.
“That
will have to wait till later,” I tease, as I push him away playfully and we
head out.
*
The
restaurant is packed. The heavy smell of garlic fills the air. Slow Italian
music plays quietly in the background, overpowered by the sound of people
talking. It’s dark, and the candles on each table create a romantic atmosphere.
I scan the many heads dotting the small room and eventually see Mum and Lola
sitting at a table near the bar. Ryan is at the bar ordering drinks and next to
him stands a figure, who I immediately identify as Matt.
When
I saw Matt earlier I hadn’t mentioned anything about the meal tonight, but I’m
not surprised at all that he has been invited. He and my brother have always
been good friends, more like brothers, and now live in the same apartment block
on the outskirts of the city. They have become even closer since the loss of
Jess. Ryan has asked him to be his best man when he and Lola marry. In all of
our eyes, Matt is still very much part of the family.
Dan
lets go of my hand when he sees the guys standing at the bar and heads over to
congratulate Ryan, swiftly getting him into a headlock and messing his hair up
as he greets them. The three of them laugh like kids, then calm down and stand,
holding their beers, chatting amongst themselves.
Lola
and Mum are deep in conversation as I approach the table. Lola has her left
hand held out, flashing her new engagement ring. The small diamonds catch the
candlelight, creating patterns on the deep red table cloth. Lola lets out a
squeal as she spots me and quickly gets to her feet.
“Congratulations,
Lola,” I say, as I meet her. She hugs me, her tall frame making me feel short
in comparison. Mum pours me a glass of champagne and hands it to me, then puts
the bottle back in the cooler to chill and beckons me to sit down on the free seat
next to her.
Lola
is busy telling Mum about the proposal, who sits with her chin resting on her
hands, listening patiently in expectation, with an enormous grin on her face. I
sit down and Lola turns her eyes to me, including me in the conversation. She talks
excitedly, quickly waving her arms in broad gestures as the many silver bangles
around her wrist jingle together. Lola is a loud and bubbly character, much
like Jess used to be. Her sleek, jet black hair frames her face, cut into a
short sharp bob. She has a full, thick fringe and deep green eyes surrounded by
long lashes that are always framed by thick black Kohl eyeliner. She is a
pretty girl in a quirky sort of way, dressing in her own fashion style and not
caring what anyone thinks of her. She can carry off any look effortlessly.
I
join in the conversation, and the three of us laugh as Lola tells us more about
her time in Paris with my brother. I finish my glass of champagne just as the
guys return from the bar with another bottle. I smile at Dan through the
flickering candlelight as he takes the seat opposite me, and everyone settles
in to enjoy the evening.
I
tell everyone about my job offer. They all cheer, as another cork is popped
from the next champagne bottle. The waiter comes to take our orders, then we
sit around the table laughing and talking. As the meals arrive and we tuck into
our delicious food, I look around the table, thinking to myself that we really
should do this sort of thing more often.
Numerous
glasses of champagne later and the meal finished, Lola says she is popping
outside. She smokes, and although currently trying to quit, often finds it
difficult when she has had a few drinks. Ryan follows her. I feel light headed
and a bit woozy from the alcohol, so after a few minutes I follow them out to
the smoking garden at the rear of the restaurant to get some fresh air. I
really can’t handle my drink anymore.
Lola
sits alone on a wicker chair at a rounded wrought iron table in the centre of
the small garden. A lonely tea light candle burns in front of her. I can see
the orange glow coming from her cigarette as I approach. Ryan is standing near
her, talking to a waiter who he knows from back in his school days.
I
wobble a bit and pull over a seat, sitting quickly down next to Lola to steady
myself. She looks at me briefly, then crosses her long legs, revealing a black
tattoo on her right ankle. It’s the same tattoo that my sister had. They had
done them together when they were travelling. Jess never did tell me what the
symbol had meant, it was like a secret that only she and Lola shared. Lola
stares up into the sky, and I follow her gaze. It is a cloudless night, and the
stars are shining brightly in the seemingly endless black sky.
“Do
you think she’s up there, Nat?” Lola asks, lowering her gaze and looking at me.
Her eyes are sad. I nod and look back up at the sky, lightly squeezing her hand
as it rests on the arm of the chair. “I wish she were here tonight,” she
whispers softly. I am still silent, wanting the same thing myself.
Lola
stubs out her cigarette and we return to the welcoming warmth of the
restaurant. The bill has been paid, but Ryan insists that we finish off the
evening with a nightcap. The waiter approaches us, producing a tray filled with
small shot glasses. We all take one, raising our drinks in the air and toasting
to the future. I throw back the glass and know that it is now home time, as the
room becomes a bit blurry. I can hear myself slurring slightly when I talk. Dan
and I say goodbye and I proceed to declare my undying love to everyone before
we leave and climb into the waiting taxi.
*
Dan
laughs as he opens the front door to our house, and I stumble through, bashing
my elbow painfully on the side of the door frame as I follow him in. Being the
sensible man he is, Dan has only had a few beers. He’s catching an early flight
to Heathrow in the morning to give him time to prepare for his busy week ahead.
On
the other hand, I am well over my limit and am now beginning to regret the amount
I drank. I take off my shoes and head straight for bed, pausing at the foot of
the stairs, trying to analyze the level of difficulty they are going to bring
me. I take a few hesitant steps before falling and wrapping myself in a
non-ladylike manner around the wooden banister.
Dan
finds my state hysterical and laughs again as he helps me up the stairs and
into our bedroom. I strip off my clothes, throwing them to various locations
throughout the room and crawl into bed in my underwear. Dan pulls the thick
duvet over me and turns out the light, before disappearing into the bathroom to
get ready for bed.
“Goodnight,
lightweight,” he calls out. Through my double vision, I can partially make out
his outline in the en-suite. I put up a finger and point at him trying to think
up a smart reply, but the room is spinning and I feel exhausted, so instead I
just pass out.
Within
minutes I sober up, as I immediately feel the coldness. I hoped that this would
be over with, but once again, my dreams take over as I am transported back to
that fateful January night.
My
eyes snap open. I’m not in the same spot that I usually find myself. Instead, I
am on the cliff top where the dream usually ends. I look around, confused. I’m
still standing with my arms at my sides, exactly where I had left off from the
last dream. Something isn’t right. This isn’t how the dream typically goes.
I
can feel my thoughts change, and suddenly I come to my senses. What am I doing?
I steady myself, quickly backing away from the cliff face. I’ve been up here so
many times before, I should know better than to get that close to the edge.
There are danger signs all over warning that the ground is unstable.
I
turn and slowly walk to the park bench. Sitting down on it, I can feel the cold
wood through the thin fabric of my long skirt. The location looks the same as
it always does in the dream, but I feel different inside. I lean forward,
burying my still aching head in my hands, needing to regain some sort of
composure. The pain is increasing and is making me feel a little nauseous. I
sit up straight and remove my mobile phone from my cardigan pocket. Still,
there’s nothing. Why hasn’t he called?
I
make a decision to call Matt one last time before I give up. Once again, as it
has done all night, his phone goes straight through to his answering machine.
I’ve already left him a voice mail earlier asking him to meet me here. I’m not
prepared to leave him another one. He always has his phone with him, I know he
would have received my message.
I
look at my watch. It’s just approaching ten past nine. I waver from my new
state of composure as I realise he might not be coming. I don’t blame him,
after the blazing row we had this morning. They have become too much of a
regular occurrence lately. He will never forgive me for what I've done. I’m so
sorry Matt, please, please forgive me.
I
can feel the urgency pulsating through me. I need to speak to Matt. We need to
clear the air, and he needs to know the truth; that I love him. Everything else
has been a terrible mistake. I know that I have a future with him, and with
some effort put in I believe that we can make this work. I don’t want to argue
anymore, I just want back what we once had. We were getting there, before this.
Hopefully, if we get past this we can continue with our lives, and move into
the future that I know we are meant to spend together.
I
pull my feet up onto the bench and fold my arms around my knees, rocking back
and forth slowly, trying to get warm.
I
wait a lot longer, an hour, maybe more, I can’t be sure. The time passes
quickly as my mind races. I watch the house lights in the distance start to go
out one by one until there are hardly any lights at all. I’m bitterly cold now,
I know I can't stay any longer. I am just about to make a move when I hear a
noise behind me. I pause and listen carefully. The crunching of footsteps
against the thickening frost grows louder, then gradually slows, and stops. I
am aware he is behind me. I knew Matt would come. I can feel the relief wash
over me. After all we have been through together, I know that deep down he
wants the same future as I do.
I
smooth my hair down over my shoulders and dab away the last tears from under my
eyes. I take in a breath, hold it, and mentally prepare myself as I slowly
stand up from the wooden bench and turn around, ready to face him.