Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (13 page)

To invite new dimensions requires a shift of position; when you change your position you change your experience. The position can be physical, mental, or both—the two are strongly intertwined. Our conditioning is such that the body follows the mind more easily than the mind follows the body. So it’s easiest to start with the mind and change our basic ideas around sex, to change our orientation to one in which the body is honored. A good physical position will have awareness at its base; the most important thing is that you have the capacity to observe yourself as opposed to being identified with a certain pattern or position. To shift your point of view on sex you need to have the capacity to step into the sexual unknown, which means finding the courage to drop the ideas you have held on to in sex, to question the identification you have with a certain style of sex. Letting go, relaxing, being present to whatever is, will pave the way to sacred dimensions.

DEFEMINIZING EXTERNALIZATION OF THE GENITALS

Slow sacred sex is a spiritual experience because it’s an inner experience. Any turn inward, away from the outer world, is a feminine movement. Outward moving is male, inward moving is female. Our culture has conditioned us to be more outward and extroverted in so many ways, including sex, that both woman and man have lost access to their true receptive feminine qualities. This loss of the feminine is increasingly represented by what I see as an externalization of the genitals in epidemic proportions, one that is oriented on stimulation and sensation—the almost compulsory fashion of removing all the soft, silky, sensitive pubic hairs that form a glistening halo embracing the male and female genitals.

Pubic hairs are designed to protect sensitive tissues, and their complete absence represents a dramatic loss in sensitivity. Each single hair acts like a portal to the inner world of sensation because it is connected to sensory nerve pathways via its root. When hair is lightly played with or softly stroked, or even better, when the hairs are pulled gently one by one with the fingertips, there is a subtle, yet thrilling, internal sensory response. A very little can go quite a long way. Constant low-level friction with no hair to act as a buffer between the genitals may also literally desensitize (callous, if you will) external nerve endings.

This popular trend of hair removal is a very strange and distorted perception that reflects the prevailing sexual confusion. Hairlessness appears to be an attempt by adults to imitate sexual immaturity in order to send out sexual signals, which somehow depreciates adults and their behavior. A woman without her stabilizing, balancing, integrating triangle of Venus is not a mature woman. How can she be? Instead, the inviting, compelling, and appealing triangle that symbolizes the female in all her glory is trimmed into a minimal rectangle, standing almost military in beefeater style. Or often the triangle is erased completely to reveal a childlike provocative slit, with the sensitive, tender inner lips open and delicate tendrils exposed.

Exposing and externalizing the genitals through interference with pubic hair is a visible sign of a lack of self-knowledge and evidence of a sexuality that has not embraced the inner feminine. And this is equally true for both men and women. A penis that is not nestled in a glistening halo of frothy pubic hair looks unbalanced, exposed, and vulnerable. The general idea, of course, is to make the penis look larger and more impressive; however, these forms of externalization ultimately displace awareness away from the biomagnetic source of our sexual vitality.

The fashion of piercing different parts of the body, such as the testicles, penis, clitoris, navel, tongue, and nipples, also reveals an extroverted sexuality. It is another way of looking to the periphery for stimulation and sensation rather than toward the center of our innate sensitivity and the source of the feminine receptive aspect.

Wise people observe that the real reason why the world is filled with so much chaos and fear is that the primordial forces of male and female are drastically out of balance. The way to heal this radical imbalance and return to harmony is to honor and respect the powerful receptive female force for what it is, giving woman her place alongside man, and encouraging man to honor his own female side, which is inward, receptive, and embracing. Male and female cannot exist without each other—we are conceived together as one. However, the female aspect of humankind in almost all cultures in the world has suffered a loss (and abuse) of the feminine. The graceful, intuitive, loving, flowing, sweet compassionate qualities are ignored and become masked by distortions.

The imbalance between man and woman is very clearly seen in conventional sexuality, and a new understanding and vision of sex would initiate tremendous healing and balancing. I would even go so far as to say that any vision for a harmonizing shift between male and female forces would have to include at its very root a more enlightened form of human sexual contact, one that turns away from the periphery toward the center and tunes in to the design of the inner body.

THE SACRED BALANCES AND HEALS

One significant aspect of sacred sex is the profound healing that is possible for mind, body, and spirit in ways we can’t even imagine.

Reciprocal Cycle of Purification

Accumulated tension, fear, memories, and wounds from our individual sexual history are stored in the cells and can be liberated and purified from the system during slow conscious sex. As the body becomes more flexible and porous, man gradually encompasses his more positive, dynamic essence of male, and woman encompasses her more receptive and absorbing essence of female. A reciprocal cycle of purification exists between penis and vagina as a result of the interaction of dynamic and receptive forces. This means that a conscious penis will purify the vagina, and in so doing, the penis itself slowly becomes purified—more flexible, sensitive, radiant, and beautiful.

The Head of the Penis Is a Powerful Catalyst

The head of the penis is very similar to a highly sensitive magnet and when present (supported by man’s consciousness) in the vagina, it acts as a powerful catalyst. It has the innate power to displace old memories, feelings, or tensions that are obstructing full receptivity. Cleansing of the poles makes the vagina more relaxed, receptive, and able to perceive the subtle. Similar tensions will also be displaced from the penis, increasing its ability to be a sensitive snakelike channel for dynamic energy.

Purification through Deep Sustained Penetration

A woman is most receptive and feminine in the deepest regions of the vagina, especially around the cervix—the entrance to the uterus. I like to refer to this place as the “Garden of Love.” When woman is touched here her heart is also touched and great love arises in her body.

Purification happens with or without an erection, so a soft penis definitely has potency, but if a man wishes to travel deeper into the vagina, into the Garden of Love, he needs to have a half erection to a full erection. This can be achieved by just a little movement and avoiding getting into excitement. There should be just enough arousal for a soft, supple erection. Or an erection may arise spontaneously within the vagina, as mentioned in chapter 4.

After lubricating the penis and the vaginal entrance, woman can hold her labia open as man places the head of his penis at the entrance, waits a few moments, and then enters her slowly, stopping after a half inch or so, waiting for a few breath cycles, continuing in a little more, waiting, breathing, with man continually being present in and to his penis. Continue penetration as deep as the penis is able to manage, or until the man feels some resistance against the head of the penis. Usually a man will be touching the entrance to the uterus (the cervix) or the walls and upper boundaries of the vagina. In this area, the Garden of Love, woman is most capable of experiencing divine ecstatic energies through contact (and thereby man too). Do not use hard pressure against the vaginal tissues; this is important—pressure can compress the tissues, causing them to become defensive and closed. Once the man feels he has reached his depth, he must pull back a fraction—a hairsbreadth—so as to take pressure off the vagina and create a more porous and airy contact between the magnetic penis head and cervix. This fraction of space will enable an exchange between the male and female poles, the dynamic and receptive forces.

If a woman feels pain
at any point
during the journey of the penis deeper into the vagina, she must communicate this fact immediately and ask her man to stop and to stay exactly on that place where pain is experienced. The contact needs to be porous, so man must always pull back. Pain is a doorway in the sense that pain often reflects old memories or tensions that are held in the tissues. Hold the penis in this area for several minutes and see what wants to happen—there may be throbbing, pulsating, or electrical feelings. If any sadness or other buried feelings rise to the surface, they should be given space and expression, and honored as part of the purification process. It is not necessary to understand the source of the feelings, why and when, just allow them to pass through you. Feelings that surface should really
not
be repressed and reswallowed. By allowing old and unexpressed feelings to flow out of you, if and when they arise, there is a profound cleansing and purification on a cellular level. Over a period of time a man should explore and visit all angles and corners of the vagina, which will gradually soften, heal, and become more receptive.

Man may also experience pain, in the testicles, groin, or penis. It is very healing for a man to allow tears of sadness, insecurity, and vulnerability or whatever comes up, and gradually his penis will grow to be more sensitive, perceptive, and supple.

Positions suitable for deep sustained penetration are shown in chapter 4 in relation to man making a slow, conscious initial penetration. (See figures 4.1 to 4.4.)

SACRED SLOW SEX SUSTAINS AND STABILIZES RELATIONSHIPS

When we relax away from doing and into our being, we get in contact with the source of love—our essence—lying within ourselves. An endless source of love resides within each person. We are born in love and love is alive as light and pleasurable sensations in each cell of the body. Anywhere you feel good in your body is a place where love lives inside you. Relaxation into the being implies an awareness of, and involvement in, the body, because the body is the bridge. Awareness easily opens the way to transformation, a sacred alchemy in that awareness itself creates love. Slow sex is, therefore, by its very nature (conscious and aware) very loving sex. The awareness brought into the sexual exchange can transform the commonly repetitive act into a sacred act of love. You begin to love and respect yourself more, and this radiates to include your partner (and others), embracing them with more love, respect, and acceptance.

In the many years that my partner and I have been teaching slow sex to couples, we have been astounded to see what a powerful healing and balancing force it is and how quickly it seems to work. Sometimes couples on the brink of divorce or separation come to our retreats as a last resort to see if we have anything to offer that will help them stay together. All that we have to offer is, in fact, awareness. And this awareness is based on a new understanding of the human sexual system and how male and female are designed to unite.

We also create space daily for individual couples to have sex in privacy (always), so that they can put theory into practice. We don’t need to hear from the couples how they are responding to a slow style of sex (some couples wish to share, but not all) because we can see its regenerating effects within two or three days. It’s as if a breeze of light and love enters the room. The eyes shine and the faces are relaxed and radiant. The couples feel connected, while at the same time there is a unity lying within each individual. There is a simple undemanding presence and intimacy as each person settles into his or her own body. Through this awareness, self-love increases and naturally overflows onto the other. We do know as a fact that many couples remain together after being with us for this week of exploration, because they write to us afterward to say how important and life changing this education has been. Naturally the success rate is not 100 percent, but high enough to be impressive, and therefore, worthy of note. Our approach is not foolproof; rather it depends on individual awareness, curiosity, and an interest in change. Slow sex can be talked about endlessly, but it has to be tried out—put into practice so that it becomes your own experience and you feel its benefits and healing effect directly and personally.

Over the years we have witnessed a steady trickle of people returning to our retreats with a new lover. Actions are said to speak louder than words, and the return of so many, particularly men, is their living endorsement of the immense value of changing the way one makes love. Once a man has been fortunate enough to have a taste of his male potency flowing into and through a woman and being received by her, he naturally hopes to create similar experiences for himself in the future.

Basically slow sex makes sense for any couple that wishes to stay together and continue to have sex in the years after the honeymoon high fades, especially as they begin to mature and age. Classically, sex is often the reason for a separation, whereas slow sex creates a bond and a union that is beyond the need for excitement and change. It’s like a ripening process in which the flavors become more refined and dimensional. And even if you separate for any reason, the experience you have had together, the learning and reorientation you have made, will stay with you and give you a good foundation for the next time you enter a love affair.

INNER SEX AS THE MOST EVOLVED FORM OF SEX

The human body is designed so that each individual is fully able to have “inner sex” and circulate magnetic vitality. Inner sex is the highest and most evolved form of sexual expression, in that it returns to individual completion and fulfillment and is beyond, but not against, sexual union. Each of us has the capacity to circulate vitality or energy between the male and female poles in our own bodies
using the power of the awareness
. Inner sex is not self-touching or self-stimulation or masturbation. Conscious touch can certainly be used as a way to increase awareness in the positive, life-giving pole. In woman by cupping and holding the breasts, and in man, by laying the hands on the groin area or lovingly holding the penis and testicles while placing attention on the perineum. Attention on the positive pole will eventually and in time awaken the opposite pole and both will become vibrant with life. There will also be a streaming of vitality between them. And, in theory, when sensitive to ourselves, we all have the capacity to access the source of the orgasmic state lying within because we are all of similar electromagnetic design.