Snare (Delirious book 1) (2 page)

Accompanying song:
“Secret Garden” by Snow Ghosts (Richard Skelton Remix)

Summermount – April 20
th
, 2013

I
n between the darkness and the light, there is nothingness; there is me.

I’m alive, and yet, I can’t feel anything. A brick wall encapsulates the heart that was shattered, twisted, and corrupted. It bleeds, and yet, I don’t know why.

I don’t know anything.

But it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Whether this is a dream or reality, I feel awake, and all that matters is that I’m free.

Leaves rustle across the path I walk. I lift my hand and touch the branches of the trees along the way, swaying them back and forth as I saunter past them. The scent of blooming flowers fills my nose, so good. In the garden next to me, there are a couple of kids kicking a ball. I smile when I see them. My cheeks feel strange when I do.

It feels odd to be among ‘normal’ people again. Where I come from, there is no normal, only chaos. Nothing comes close to the serenity I feel when I’m outside like this. There are people on a bench up ahead, having lunch, and one of them flicks away a wasp that flies too close. I laugh, and it almost makes me cry. It’s the first time since forever that a tear manages to trickle down my cheek.

Being here almost makes me feel like I’m just like them. That I could be like them again, one day—normal, without a horrible past.

Birds chirp as they fly above my head, rushing toward their next destination. Just like me. Freedom feels good. It’s the first time in months I’ve felt this elated about something so simple. And even though it’s not entirely without regrets, I’m happy I chose to leave that wretched place I call hell; the institution that kept me as a prisoner against my will.

Being in there was for my own good.

Escaping was not for my own good.

I knew when I left that I could never return there without being shackled to a bed. I knew that it was either going to be the last time I saw that building, my room, my friends … or that I was never getting out of there again.

The choice was simple. However, the consequence is not.

I’m running away from help, from the only people who can make me better. But I don’t want to be better anymore. All I want is to be with him.

And now that I’m out, I hope he’ll accept me.

I need to see him. I need to speak with him. I need to feel him, body against body. I want his hands on my hips and his mouth on my neck. I want him to whisper sweet words into my ear as he takes me into his world. I want to drift away with him. I want him to take me away and never return.

I am obsessed with him. Crazy about him. Madly in love with him.

And yet, I don’t even know who he really is. What he does for a living. What his house looks like. If he has a dog. Kids. A wife. If he’s single or not.

If he wants me.

No, I know he wants me. I felt his touch, his lips, his magnetizing eyes that bore into me as he made love to me. Nobody can tell me this love isn’t real. I am not a liar. He needs me, and I need him.

A stinging feeling nags at me, but I ignore it. I don’t want to think about the fact that all I know about him is his name and address. I’m not sure of anything, but I’ll take this chance. I will see him soon, and when I do, our love will burn brighter than the thousands of stars I looked at every night when I was still in the institution.

I don’t know a lot, but I do know this: I won’t give up looking for him until I’m in his arms again.

If he really exists, that is.

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 19
th
, 2013

In a frenzy, my hands clench the cold, metal bed, but it instantly feels warm under my touch. A fire courses through my body as Sebastian kisses my hipbone. My pussy is dripping again, and I struggle to hide the urge to moan in pleasure. I want his love. I want his touch. I want to feel. Everything.

Only he can give it to me.

His fingers crawl up my belly, slipping under my bra. My breath catches in my throat as he cups my breast in his hand.

“Fuck, those are some nice tits. More than a handful, Lillith.” He squeezes them softly, his eyes darting up to meet mine. “Let me kiss you. Everywhere. I want to give you everything I have.” He plants a kiss right above my clit, making me squirm. “But you have to keep quiet.”

“I want you, Mister Brand,” I whisper. “Please, I need this.”

“I know. Shh … let me make you feel good … let me make you come again.”

In a moment of bliss and hushed moans, I let myself go. I need this, I tell myself. To feel.

And so I let him take control of my body, inch by inch.

Accompanying song:
“Once Upon a Dream” by Lana Del Rey

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 6
th
, 2013

My room is full of color. This shouldn’t be odd, except it is, since normally this place is as white as bones. Tonight, however, all the colors of the spectrum surround me. A lamp in the corner of the room is on. The air is thick, and my heart beats in my throat. The door handle shakes, and the door creaks open. One look at his face is all I need to forget what I’ve been told, and I invite him into my room.

He’s not supposed to be here, but I want nothing more.

His eyes land on my face as he places one foot inside the room. They enthrall me to the point of being unable to move from the bed I am sitting on. A small smile curves the ends of his lips, a wickedness emanating from him which creates goosebumps all over my body. With his shoulder-length, blond hair loosely falling over his face, he looks like an angel. My angel.

He steps further inside and closes the door behind him. His finger moves to his lips as he purses them. I’m suddenly achingly aware of how much I wish for those lips to be on me. Anywhere. I don’t know why I want it so much, but I do.

“Shh … don’t want to wake her.”

His eyes glance sideways to my roommate, who’s snoring loudly. Sighing, I close my eyes and listen. The noise disappears. When I open my eyes again, she’s gone. Vanished.

It doesn’t faze me.

With a grin on his face, he walks toward my bed and sits down at the edge, tentatively scooting closer. “I’ve been wanting to see how you’re doing.”

“And you couldn’t come during the day?”

“No, you know that’s not allowed.”

“But I’ve waited for you in the visitation room. You never came.”

He grabs my hand. “I’m sorry. I wanted to, but it’s not allowed. Not when you’re not …”

“Family.” I swallow away the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat.

“Regardless, I’m here. Now, how are you feeling?”

“Better now that you’re here.” I send him a smile, and he smiles back, setting my heart on fire. Having him here is wrong. So wrong, but I like it.

“Why are you here, actually?”

“I heard you’ve been asking about me. The staff told me you had difficulties coping with your new environment.”

“Yeah …” I lower my head and look away at the bed my roommate was supposed to be sleeping in. I still don’t understand how she’s gone now.

I don’t understand a lot of things, but at the same time, I’d rather not know, either. Not knowing means I don’t have to think about it. That it won’t hurt me.

I’m safe here. Sebastian is near me. He’ll keep me safe.

I lick my lips at the sight of his. His sly smile beckons me to come closer, but I dare not cross that boundary. I worry that the consequences might push me over the brink. That if the doctors find out I have the man who saved me, a man I barely know, here with me in my room, they’d lock me away forever. This is dangerous.

And, yet, it’s so exciting, I can’t get enough. I long for a man’s touch—his. He is the only man I trust, the only man who could rip away these briars that have grown around my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way. It’s been a while since I’ve felt anything at all. I’ve been numb ever since …

I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.

A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.

“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”

“Yes …”

He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.

“How much?”

“I want you to take me …”

“Why, Lillith? Why?”

“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”

He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”

I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”

His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”

“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”

“Beg me.”

“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”

“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”

“Which is?”

“I like it when girls beg.”

I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.

“Good,” he hums.

He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.

And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.