We talked about my choices over the phone. I looked up the details on the internet. He gave me the prices, and together we narrowed my choices down.
"Thank you," I told him after he agreed to buy the one I wanted.
* * *
I received an email from Allison with a subject of, "Skiing Pictures". I started at it for a while before opening it. There was a brief note followed by several photos. "Emily and Jim were here for Valentine's Day," the note said. "It turns out bra size isn't the only size you share in common with Emily. Your ski boots fit her. Love, Allison."
All the photos were taken on the lake in front of Allison's cabin. The first was Allison smiling at the cabin. The caption read, "Thank you." There was a photo of Allison with another woman. The caption was just, "Best Friends". Another with that woman and a man. They looked happy. There were a few snapshots of Allison and Emily skiing.
I stared at the first photo and cried quietly.
* * *
Allison looked down at me while tightening the bonds holding me to the bed. "This is what you want," she said. She began teasing me with a long feather.
"I can't do this, Allison," I told her.
"Yes, honey," she said. "You're ready."
I woke up.
When were these dreams going to end?
* * *
April came. I sent Allison a quick email. "Thank you for the photos. You're welcome."
I did my taxes online. I never did any withholding because I never made enough money to pay income taxes, but I still had to file the forms.
I also checked the bank balance. It was several hundred dollars higher than it should have been. I looked at the details and found direct deposit checks from Amazon in February and March.
"What the hell?"
I'd stopped watching the sales for "Breathing" two years ago, but I logged into Amazon. My book had started selling. There were orders both for the paperback version as well as electronic downloads. I reviewed the history and realized it started selling in early January, right after I'd first met Allison. There had been a big order for paperbacks, twenty-five copies, and that order had been replicated twice more. There were also patches of small orders of electronic and paperback copies.
Amazon wouldn't tell me who was buying my books, but I knew Allison was behind it.
I didn't want her charity.
* * *
In late April I had my most vivid dream.
I was naked again, lying on my back, tied to the bed. Allison was sitting beside me, looking at me. She was caressing me gently, her hands roaming up and down my skin. I shivered under her touch.
"I love you," I told her in my dream.
She bent down and kissed me while her hand slid between my legs. She began teasing my clit. I squirmed and shivered.
When she broke the kiss, I told her, "You hurt me."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I would never hurt you intentionally."
I woke up.
* * *
In the morning I packed my things and put everything in the car. I drove to the library in town.
"Hello, Mrs. Simmons," I said.
"Hello, Sarah," she said. "Would you like a cookie?"
"I'd love a cookie. Thank you." Mrs. Simmons had been feeding me cookies all winter.
"You look different today," she said as I ate my cookie.
"It's time for me to move on," I told her.
She looked at me sadly. "You could stay. You'd be safe here. Whoever you're running from won't find you here."
"No one is chasing me except my past," I told her. "I don't think I'd like Arizona in the summer."
"Back north then?"
I nodded.
I handed her a note. "Will you see that Officer James gets this?"
She took the note but said, "He's a good boy. You could do worse."
"I know," I agreed. "But if I were going to chase after someone, you're more likely a target than he is."
Her eyes grew wide. "Ohh. I wish I'd known that two months ago." We laughed together.
"You've been very kind, Mrs. Simmons. Thank you."
"We'll still be here if you need a place to hide again."
I reached over and hugged her. It was the first contact of any sort I'd had since I ran away from Allison.
* * *
I worked my way back to Minnesota. I spent a couple of days at the Grand Canyon. I drove up to Boulder in Colorado; the mountains were still buried in snow. I drove into Wyoming and to Yellowstone National Park. I spent three days camping and taking pictures.
Finally I turned east.
I drove to Minneapolis, arriving on a Wednesday afternoon. I drove into Edina and parked around the corner from my mother's house. I waited in my car for two hours, reading a book, waiting for her to come home.
She drove right past me parked in my car. I had expected her to come from the other direction. I only got a glimpse of her.
I thought about presenting myself at her door. Instead, I drove away.
That night I camped at the Knotty Hills Campground.
* * *
I dreamt of Allison that night. It was brief. "Come home to me," she said. "I love you."
I woke up. "You're being stupid, Sarah," I told myself. "Nothing good is going to come of this. Why are you torturing yourself?"
Thursday morning, I drove away. I drove all the way to Grand Marais on Lake Superior. I spent Thursday and Friday night there.
I couldn't stop thinking of Allison.
"Damn it!" I said, waking up Saturday morning from another dream about her.
I packed my things and drove back to the Knotty Hills Campground.
* * *
I rented a canoe from the campground. I put my unruly hair into a pony tail as best I could then tucked it all into the back of the hood, pulling it up over my head and partway over my face.
When I got the canoe into the water, I turned away from Allison's cabin. I had my camera with me in its waterproof container, which I tied to the canoe, just in case. It was a warm, sunny day, and I paddled slowly around the lake in a big, clockwise circle. Two hours later I found myself drifting past Allison's cabin.
She had guests.
A group of people were sitting in her grass, facing the lake. They were in comfortable poses, and it looked like they were meditating. My eyes searched for and found Allison.
She looked good. Really good. I stopped paddling and stared at her.
I don't know if she felt my gaze, or if it was just time to end the meditation, but her eyes opened and locked on me instantly. I turned away.
"Sarah?"
I started paddling away slowly.
"Sarah!"
I heard a commotion on the dock, then she was talking to someone. "I guess not, Emily."
I returned the canoe and hid in my tent the rest of the day.
What was I doing?
* * *
Sunday I went for a walk, carrying my camera, again with my hair buried in my hood. I walked along the road past Allison's cabin, taking pictures of budding trees, birds building a nest, and other signs of nature. I found a turtle crossing the road and took a bunch of photos, then picked him up and carried him the rest of the way across before a car could run over him.
Two cabins past Allison's I turned into someone's property. No one appeared to be home at either the cabin I had turned into or the one closer to Allison's. I started taking photographs. She was leading another meditation group. I used my longest lens and photographed her through the trees.
I found the woman from the photos Allison had sent, her friend Emily.
I stayed, watching them, taking photos. No one ever looked in my direction.
Eventually they all disappeared into the cabin. Shortly after, people started streaming out the back of the cabin carrying suit cases, duffle bags, and coolers. I watched while they loaded their cars.
They milled around for a while, saying their goodbyes. I watched three cars drive away. Then the garage door opened and I watched an unfamiliar car back up and turn around. I got a glimpse of Emily's husband behind the wheel. A few minutes after that, Allison's car backed out and I watched her drive away. I took photos of her tail lights.
I stared at the cabin, then began walking back to the camp grounds, taking pictures along the way. Halfway back, the battery in the camera died. The spare had died two days ago. I got to the camp grounds and packed all my stuff. I knew where there was a deserted cabin where I could get a wireless internet connection and charge my batteries with no on the wiser.
I drove out of the campground, turned left, and pulled into Allison's driveway. I pulled up in front of the garage, got out, and grabbed my computer and camera bag. I walked around the outside of the cabin and climbed onto her deck.
I stood there for a while. The last time I'd been here the snow had been several feet deep. It looked very different in the early spring. I set my gear down on the picnic table then took everything out. She had an outdoor plug next to the door. I moved the table and a bench close enough to reach the outlet and plugged everything in.
I left everything to charge and moved out into the grass. I sat down, closed my eyes, and concentrated on my breathing.
I got lost in my meditation.
* * *
It was quite some time later when I came back to myself. I wasn't alone. Allison was sitting in front of me, watching me. She was smiling.
"Welcome back," she said softly when I opened my eyes.
I stared at her. "I saw you drive away."
"Into town for groceries." She paused. "You weren't expecting me."
"I came to steal some power from you." I gestured my head back at the deck. "And leech some internet. I'm sorry."
Her expression fell for a moment, then steadied. "That was you yesterday in the canoe."
I nodded.
"Why did you paddle away?"
"You had clients." I paused. "And I didn't know if I was welcome."
"Oh honey," she said.
I looked away. "What are you doing with all the books?"
"My clients are buying them. And I think Emily has some clients buying them. And a few of them have been buying copies for friends. Word is getting around."
I looked at her. "How many have you bought?"
"Seventy-five. I have eight or ten left. I'll need to order more soon."
"Was this charity?"
"No. I don't confuse my professional and personal life." She paused. "Except once. I'm sorry."
We had an awkward pause. "I can't stop thinking about you," I told her. "And dreaming about you." I looked away.
"I'm so sorry, Sarah," she said. "I was completely wrong."
I looked back at her. "You were trying to help."
"I was still wrong."
I shrugged. "Yes, but I'm the queen of over-reacting."
We stared at each other for a while.
"Honey," she said. "Would you please push your hood back?
I smiled shyly, then pulled the sweatshirt off entirely then pulled my hair out of the pony tail and shook it loose. It sprang wild around my shoulders.
Allison smiled. "Thank you."
We sat there quietly, looking at each other. I wanted to throw myself into her arms, but I couldn't. I couldn't handle it if she rejected me.
"Are you staying?" she asked.
"I don't know," I said, looking away. "Will you answer some questions?"
"Yes."
"How many lovers have you had since I left?"
"None."
"Thought about having?"
"I go to sleep every night thinking about you, Sarah." She was smiling again.
"Am I welcome?"
"Yes."
"In your bed?"
"Yes."
I wasn't ready to touch her yet. I wasn't ready to have her touch me yet. But my heart was breaking, looking at her. So I looked away. "I called my mother."
"I bet she was happy to hear from you."
"Could have fooled me if she was," I said. "It ended up being a much briefer conversation than I was expecting."
She didn't say anything right away but waited until I looked back at her. "I'm not your mother, Sarah. I'm not your doctor. I'm not your therapist. I'm your friend. I'd like to be your lover and your partner. Please, are you staying?"
"Don't touch me yet," I told her. And then I started to cry, looking away. I was so tired of my eight disjoint personalities controlling my life. I was so tired of being afraid. I was so tired of running.
I looked around. This was what I wanted. This place on this lake with this woman.
I looked down at my arms. Her gaze followed mine. "I'm crazy, Allison," I told her.
"No you're not. You are hurting, but you're not crazy. Please stay with me."
I made a decision. I stood up.
"Oh honey!" She started to cry. "Please don't leave me again. I couldn't stand it."
I fished in the pocket of my jeans, pulled out my car key, and held it out to her.
She looked at it, then took it from me. "I don't understand."
I didn't say anything, but I turned around and began walking around the cabin. Allison scrambled to keep up with me. I left my computer and camera charging on her deck.
I walked up to my car and began crawling underneath it.
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"You'll see," I told her.
I found it, the little box I'd had bolted to the frame of the car where no one would see it. I reached up. It was difficult to open, but finally it slid open and I removed the spare car key I kept there in case I lost the other one. I slid out from under the car and climbed to my feet. I gave Allison the second key.
"I'm tired of running," I told her. "Hide those from me."
She stared at the keys for a moment, then looked into my face.
"I might run," I told her. "But I won't be able to go very far."
She launched herself at me, pulling me into the tightest embrace, then kissing me. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her back. She pressed me against my car, pressing herself against me, squeezing me with everything she had.
I squeezed back just as hard.
Then she pulled me into the cabin.
* * *
She locked the keys in her office somewhere. While she was doing that, I brought my things in from outside. When she came back out of her office, I asked her, "Will I find them?"