"No. They are in a locked filing cabinet, and under no circumstances will I give you the combination."
"Lock your own as well," I told her.
"I did."
We stared at each other. Neither of us knew what to do. She made a decision, as she walked over to me and started to sink to her knees in front of me.
"No," I said, catching her by the elbows. "Allison, will you take me to bed and make love to me?"
I didn't have to ask twice. She immediately pulled me into a kiss, her tongue entering my mouth without hesitation. I opened for her, sucking hungrily at her, tasting her greedily.
She had half my clothes off by the time we made it to the bedroom. The rest didn't take her long.
She pulled me gently to the bed and pulled me down, then pulled away and looked at me. "How aggressive do you want me to be?"
"I don't want to think," I told her. "Don't let me think about anything except what you're doing to me."
She shoved me back onto the pillows and climbed on top of me. She was still wearing most of her clothes, a fact I found terribly annoying. She pressed herself against me, kissing me deeply. When she broke the kiss, I told her, "I've missed you. Please take me, but please get rid of more of these clothes between us.
"No," she said. She grabbed my wrists and shoved them to the bed over my head, staring down at me.
I struggled for a moment.
"What is your word?" she asked me.
I stared up at her. "Octopus," I told her.
"Am I scaring you?"
"No, Allison. Please take me."
"Close your eyes," she said. "If you open them without permission, I will blindfold you."
I immediately closed my eyes and was rewarded with a toe-curling kiss.
"Octopus," she said.
My eyes snapped open. "What?"
"Close your eyes," she said. I closed them again. "Do you want me to tie you?"
"No," I said. "That would be too much. Please, I want to feel your skin. Please take off your clothes, then take me."
"All right, honey," she said. She rolled off me, and I listened while she removed her clothing. Then she was back on top of me, straddling me, and I felt her bare legs against mine. I reached for her.
She immediately grabbed my hands and shoved them forcibly to the pillows over my head. "You will obey me this time," she said firmly. "Won't you?"
"Yes, Allison," I told her.
She kissed me again, her tongue thrusting into my mouth, her hands still on my wrists over my head, and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
Panic was just below the surface. I told it to get stuffed.
She broke the kiss and I opened my eyes.
"Close them!" she said. "Right now."
"I changed my mind."
"Oh honey," she said, her features falling.
"Tie me."
"What?"
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Tie me, but do it slowly, and don't hurt me."
"I would never hurt you. Are you sure?"
"Tie me. Make them tight."
She crawled off me and rummaged through her closet, returning with an assortment of scarves. She sat down on the bed. "This is too much for you."
"Tie me."
I offered her my right wrist. She tied a scarf around it.
"That's a crappy knot," I told her. "Don't you know how to tie someone properly? Don't you remember what I did to you?"
She grinned. "I haven't forgotten." She rewrapped the silk, tying it properly, then started to tie it to the headboard.
"I want a wager," I told her.
She raised an eyebrow at me.
"If I can get away when you're done tying me, I get to draw a picture across your forehead."
"No!"
"If I can't get away, you can make me beg and beg before you untie me."
She smiled and retied the silk where I wouldn't be able to reach it. "Cheeky girl," she told me. In response, I gave her my other wrist. She tied that one off, lying across my body as she did so.
She pulled away and looked at me. I struggled with the bonds.
"Am I going to win?" Allison asked.
"Yes." I smiled at her. "Thank you."
She looked down at my legs. "I'm not done yet."
She took another scarf and tied it around my right ankle. Then she made me bend my leg as tightly as I could and looped the scarf around my upper thigh. She pressed the leg more tightly bent before tying off the scarf. When she was done, my leg was tied in a bent position. I could flop it around but not straighten it. She did the same thing with the other leg.
I pulled my knees together, closing my legs to her. She smiled. "Spread them," she said. "And keep them spread."
Slowly I lowered my knees to the side, opening myself to her. She smiled at me. "Good girl."
She had one more scarf. She leaned over and kissed each of my eyes before wrapping the scarf around my head, cutting off my vision. She adjusted the scarf, and I wasn't able to see.
"Are you okay?" she whispered into my ear.
"Take me!"
She lowered her lips to mine, her tongue demanding entrance. I opened for her and I felt her tongue invade and explore my mouth. I moaned and began to squirm.
She broke the kiss. "Do you belong to me?"
"Yes."
She lowered her lips to my breast and lightly bit my nipple. I felt it engorge under her attention.
"Do you like this?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Do you want me to continue?"
"Yes!"
"Then repeat after me. Allison would never hurt me."
"Allison would never hurt me," I echoed.
She latched her mount to my breast again, her tongue flicking against me, while her hand found my other breast and began teasing the nipple.
"Again," she said, nipping me.
"Allison would never hurt me."
"Again." Her hand moved to my crotch, hovering there. "Say it."
"Allison would never hurt me."
She laid her hand on my crotch, her fingers tapping at me. I thrust myself against her hand.
"Is this what you want?" she asked.
"Yes, Allison."
"We have a rule then. You must agree to this rule, or I'm stopping this right now."
"No!"
"You must agree. If I ever scare you, you will repeat your phrase. Allison would never hurt me. You must repeat it over and over until you calm down. Promise."
I didn't say anything.
"Promise! Now. Or this ends."
"Allison, please."
"What are you going to say?"
"Allison would never hurt me."
She tapped her fingers against my labia, directly over my clitoris. I squirmed.
"Promise, Sarah. Promise."
"Allison, if you ever scare me, I'll repeat the phrase over and over. I promise."
Her fingers immediately parted me, and I thrust my pelvis at her as she began to flick her fingers against my clitoris. She lowered her head next to mine.
"This feels good, doesn't it, Sarah?"
"Yes, Allison."
"I will never hurt you, Sarah."
"I know."
"Say it."
"Allison would never hurt me."
She slipped her fingers inside my vagina, and I jumped, forcing her fingers deeper.
"I am your safe place, Sarah. My arms are where you feel safest."
"Yes, Allison."
She slid her fingers in and out of me, slowly, deliberately. I began to pant rapidly.
"Not yet, Sarah," she said. "Don't come yet."
"Oh Allison, please!"
She slipped deeply inside me and pressed her fingers against me, rubbing against my G-spot.
"Say it," she said.
"Allison would never hurt me! Oh please, let me come!"
"Not yet, Love," she said. "Soon."
I was squirming madly under her touch.
She began whispering in my ear.
"You are mine, Sarah. You are safe here with me. You are mine. Mine. Mine."
"Yours!" I said. "Please, please let me come."
She flicked her fingers against me. "Promise you won't ever run again."
"I might run," I said. "But I'll always come back."
"Come now, Sarah! Be safe with me and come!"
"Oh Allison!"
My body began to spasm, my vagina clasping at her fingers. I screamed her name over and over as the shudders ran through my body. The entire time she whispered in my ear, "Mine, safe. You are mine, you are safe."
I collapsed against the bed, spent, the shudders growing further and further apart. Her fingers stilled then slipped out of me.
She lay down next to me, then reached over me and untied one leg, then the other. I collapsed my legs against the bed, and she threw one leg over me.
She caressed me slowly, letting my heart calm down, not saying anything. We lay there for five, maybe ten minutes, not speaking, my hands still tied.
I was scared, but I didn't want to run.
"Are you going to keep your promises to me?" she asked. "Do you remember them?"
"Allison would never hurt me. And if I run, I always come back."
She reached up and untied my hands.
I wrapped my arms around her.
* * *
A short while later, we dressed and moved to the living room. I was wearing a pair of her undies. We were both very quiet.
I lay down with my head in her lap. "I'm not your love slave," I told her.
She laughed. "Am I yours?"
"Sometimes," I told her. "Maybe I'll be yours sometimes, too."
She caressed me for a while.
"Allison, I need to tell you about the octopus. You mustn't say anything for a while." I closed my eyes. "Keep caressing me, but don't say anything."
I began talking. I explained about the eight personalities of Sarah. "It's not multiple personality disorder. They are all me. They are all Sarah. But they may as well be different people."
I told her about Competent Sarah, the only Sarah I liked. I told her about Predator Sarah, the Sarah who had made Allison into her love slave for a time. And I told her about Scared Sarah, the Sarah that was hardest to control, the one who made so many of my life decisions for me.
"I guess I like Predator Sarah a little, at least," I said. "You liked her, when she wasn't scaring you. But Scared Sarah is a pain in the ass, and she comes out at the slightest excuse."
"Compassionate Sarah is cool, too," I said. "But she tends to make very poor decisions. Very poor decisions." I paused. "If Compassionate Sarah is ever out, you mustn't let me make any important decisions."
Allison kept petting me quietly, stroking my face and arms.
"She's not the bad one, though," I said. "She makes me run, but she's not self-destructive. She's just an extreme case of fight or flight syndrome."
I told her about Angry Sarah. "Angry Sarah is actually harmless. I don't like her because she's ugly, and sometimes she makes bad decisions, but she's the easiest to calm down. You met her only for a few seconds. I'm glad it was Angry Sarah and not Vengeful Sarah."
Vengeful Sarah was bad. Vengeful Sarah was one of the two dangerous ones.
I told her about Possessive Sarah. "She was lurking around a lot in January," I said. "And she's harmless, except she can be excessively needy, and if she becomes disappointed, she goes running straight to Vengeful Sarah." I paused. "You need to understand, Possessive Sarah is going to claim you. If you ever hurt me, she's going to run to Vengeful Sarah." I paused. "Vengeful Sarah would try to hurt you back. That's one of the reasons I let Scared Sarah take control sometimes, because then I run instead of lash out."
"That's seven," she said when I grew quiet.
"The last is Self-Deprecating Sarah."
"Oh honey."
"She's the most dangerous." I paused. "Are there scars on my arms?"
I was wearing short sleeves. She examined both arms. "No," she said.
"Then the cuts healed properly."
"Oh honey!"
"I didn't try suicide!" I told her. "Just... cutting."
"Oh honey." She paused. "When was the last time?"
"Before I met you? When I was twenty."
"Oh honey."
"Self-Deprecating Sarah and Scared Sarah were in complete control from the time I left your cabin until they found me a campsite in Arizona. When I called you, Competent Sarah had finally regained control. I had just finished cleaning up the cuts. I thought they might scar, but I guess they didn't. That was the last time."
"Why did you hurt yourself?"
"To keep Vengeful Sarah away from you."
We didn't say anything for a while.
"You're not my doctor," I said again.
"No."
"You're my friend. And my lover."
"Yes."
"And you'll never hurt me."
"Never."
I sighed. "Keep petting."
She continued to stroke me. I told her about the conversation with Mom.
"Honey, is your mother's name Madelin?"
"Yes."
"I know her. Well, know of her. I've heard her speak at conferences."
"That's the one."
I told her about my aunt.
"What happened to her when you told everyone?"
"The only one I ever told was Mom, and she called me a liar, an attention whore. Imagine, my mother, calling me an attention whore. She told me I was a terrible person to dare say such lies about her sister."
Allison kept stroking me.
"Dear Old Auntie is very sick now. Or was the last time I heard. She could be dead for all I know. There's nothing to be gained at this point. If she's dead, I won't greave, but I long ago stopped wishing the worst against her. It was just making me bitter."
"Why did you try calling your mother?" Allison asked.
"I thought perhaps it was time to try to mend the relationship."
"Will you let me meddle?"
I opened my eyes and looked up at her. "Define meddle."
"Call her. Find out of she's as callous towards you as it appeared."
I closed my eyes and thought about it. "You can try. She's a cold woman. She won't thank you."
"I'm going to get my phone," she said. She slithered out from under my head and returned in a moment with her phone. "What's the number?" she asked once I was lying on her lap again.
"This is a bad idea," I told her.
"Are you going to stop me?"
"No." I gave her the number. She dialed.