Solitude (Artistic Pricks Ink #3) (12 page)

“You’re serious about this?” I ask, leaning back against the counter. “Not ten minutes ago you were ready to start recruiting for search and rescue because you thought we’d kill each other. Now you’re tellin’ me I’m in love with her? This, whatever it is, has been happening all of five minutes.”

“This isn’t a debate, but I’d still win if it were,” Luke says confidently, the smug look on his face has me wanting to knock his teeth down his throat. “This, as you’ve named it, has been happening for a hell of a lot longer than five minutes. It started the day Shelby walked into the shop, escalated every time you two bicker like children, and has been thrown into overdrive ever since she was shot.”

“We couldn’t stand each other,” I point out. “The day of her accident, I didn’t do anything more than you’d have done, Luke.”

“Sure,” Luke says, his voice softening. “She may twist you up and annoy you to the point of insanity, but no one risks their life, like you did for her, without there being feelings there. This has been a long time coming.”

“Luke,” I warn, not wanting to have this discussion with him now, or ever. What happened that day needs to stay buried along with the bitch I emptied the bullets in.

“Deny it all you want, Mitch, but you’re lyin’ to yourself. You were the one pacing for hours while she was in surgery, not me. Wasn’t Skinner or Chuck who bribed that ICU nurse with free ink for a year to get you in the room after visiting hours. That was all you.”

“You’re right, okay, but you weren’t there!” I roar, throwing the soda can against the wall. The second it slams into the drywall, it explodes. Soda sprays everywhere, soaking the floor and walls. “You didn’t see her there, Luke! I. Did,” I snap, banging my fist against my chest. Visions of Shelby lying on the floor, bleeding at Kelly’s feet flood my vision. Rage blinds me and it takes everything I have not to punch the wall until my hand hurts as much I do thinking about that day. “Fuck! I couldn’t even breathe until I walked into that hospital room and saw her. Are you fuckin’ satisfied?”

The sound of something clattering on the floor behind me freeze. Spinning around, I turn and see Shelby bending down to pick her shoes up off the floor.

Isn’t this great…

“I left my shoes outside.”

Shelby hugs her heels to her chest. She stares at me, the tiny bits of green that mix in those blue eyes are more clear than ever before. “Shelby, I—” I start, not having a goddamn clue what to say to her. How much did she hear? I didn’t expect Luke to go all shrink couch confessionals on me or for Shelby to overhear it all.

The room feels like it’s getting smaller and smaller by the second. Before I do something stupid, like break down and tell her everything right here in front of Luke like some ridiculous, sappy soap opera, I get out of there. I don’t know why, but I tell her things I don’t tell anyone. She makes me feel, and I’m too vulnerable to go to that place right now without doing irreparable damage. I know I’ll say things neither of us can handle. Things that will only hurt us both. “I need some air.”

Walking through the kitchen and the puddles of soda, I shove out the backdoor. I need to clear my head, to find some sort of clarity in the middle of all of the shit that has been thrown at me today. Walking through the backyard, the words Luke said still echo in my ears as if he were right here bitchin’ like a naggin’ wife.

Damn him.

Is it possible to love someone else as much as I loved Becky? If so, how do you give your heart to someone when you never got it back in the first place?

What the hell just happened?

I am surrounded by crazy people! Men: I’ll never fucking understand them…

A million thoughts and emotions race through my mind, making it impossible to think straight. Throwing my shoes to the floor, I stomp past Luke without giving him a second glace. Flipping every switch by the door, I fling open the screen the moment the lights kick on, illuminating the entire backyard. “Hold it right there, asshole!” I shout the minute my bare feet hit the dirt.

“Not doin’ this with you right now,” he replies not turning around.

“I’m tired, barefoot, and pissed off! I refuse to chase you twice in one day!”

“Never asked you to.” Mitch stops dead, just shy of reaching the tree line. Turning around, he takes a step toward me. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” I ask, throwing up my arms and taking a few steps of my own. “Have a conversation? Not explode and run away from everything that is uncomfortable for you?”

“My entire life is uncomfortable,” he laughs, shaking his head.

“Well, welcome to reality, sweetheart. Life is a ride. Just because we don’t get a nice padded seat doesn’t give you an excuse to jump off the bike.”

“I’m still on the goddamn bike.” Closing the distance between us, he yanks me into his chest. His eyes blaze, making my heart beat faster. The heat of his fingers burn into my skin as he grips the back of my neck. His thumb brushes over my pulse point. My lips part, I am frozen again, unable to do anything other than wait on his next move. “I’m strapped in, headed straight for the wall, and there’s no escaping the crash. For either of us.”

His lips crush mine possessively. Catching my bottom lips between his teeth, he growls low in his throat. My stomach flips, every nerve ending on body greedily anticipates his touch. Gripping his biceps, I dig my nails in, hanging on to him as if my life depended on it. Turning us, Mitch presses my back to a tree, our bodies fitting together like some fucked up puzzle. Sliding his hand down my body, he tugs at the hem of my dress before urging my leg around his hip.

His body rocks into mine, igniting flames that burn through my blood stream like a match to gasoline. He does this to me. With every touch, Mitch starts a fire that only he can put out.

“We should stop,” I mumble against his lips, but my protest lacks conviction. “I’m mad at you.”

Everything about this is wrong. We should be talking about what happened the other night or what I walked in on in the kitchen just seconds ago. I know that, but I can’t think rationally when he is touching me. The moment he gets too close, I forget what I should be saying. Those little messages your conscience sends to your brain to stop you from doing stupid shit short circuit and never get processed.

Honestly, my conscience is probably sitting there with popcorn and a beer enjoying the show.

She’s a whore…

Holding me firmly against him, he continues to rock his already hard cock into me. My body aches with how badly I want this. He is slowly, but surely, driving me to the edge of my sanity. Mitch cups my breast through my dress, his thumb making circles over my nipple until it hardens beneath his touch. Breaking the kiss, my head falls back. Closing my eyes, the sensations overwhelm me. His touch, his kiss, it’s all too much. It overpowers my will and all I can do is pray he gives me release. “You’re always mad at me,” he replies, kissing a trail to my ear. His tone stops me. It’s almost like a switch has been flipped and I can barely keep up with the change in the atmosphere around us. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is off, big time.

“Not always,” I reply breathlessly. “We need to talk about the other night. About what happens now.”

“I’m through talkin’, Shelby.” Blowing out a breath, Mitch steadies me on my feet again and steps back. Adjusting himself, he winces. “It doesn’t accomplish anything. A chat won’t fix my fucked up life, it won’t change anything to sit and discuss my problems to death. The past has nothing to do with right now. I ran from all of that shit and refuse to look back.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I arch a brow. “I’m no farmer, Mitch, but I know when I’m knee deep in bullshit.” When he has no smart ass remark, I can’t help smirking. “You may have moved back to Vegas thinking you were escaping them, but you packed up those ghosts and brought them all with you. They’re in the bottom of every bottle of vodka. Every time you lash out or shut down and refuse to let anyone in, it’s those demons driving you. Your scars are reminders of your past, but they don’t have to be the road map to your future.”

“Do you always sound like a Hallmark card?” he mumbles, and even though it’s dark, I can still see him roll his eyes.

“Sorry if I’m not a poet like you, asshole.”

“What do you want from me, Shelby?” he asks, coolly. “A commitment? An ‘I love you’ that essentially means nothing? Those three words are just an empty promise that I’ll break. I can’t love anyone, I’m not capable of that shit. It isn’t in me anymore, maybe it never was to begin with.”

“Mitch…”

“You want me to fuck you? To give you a ring then lay beside you in bed every night and believe it is anything more than a release?” he asks, throwing up his hands. “I’m just the asshole everyone says I am. Even you. You’re asking for shit I don’t fuckin’ have to give.”

“You stupid son of a bitch,” I yell, shoving at his chest. “I never asked you for anything! I just want you and all you can do is cut me deeper and deeper. Mitch, you mean something to me. I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. Yes, you are an asshole, but you’re a good man. A goddamn hero. I didn’t see the chemistry between us coming, but I can’t deny what you make me feel. I won’t pretend that I don’t have feelings for you. I’m willing to take that leap because I think what we could have would be worth it. Who the hell drives six hours to attend a funeral for someone they never met? I did that for you. That’s what happens when you fall in love; you do things you wouldn’t do for anyone else. Because when you hurt, so do I.”

Mitch winces as if the words I just spoke punched him in the gut. His face goes white as a ghost and if I didn’t know better I’d say he was about to faint. I didn’t mean to say the words, but now that they are out, it feels right. Looking back, it is so clear that I have been falling for Mitch a long time now.

“I’m sorry, this was all a mistake. You shouldn’t have come.”

“Wow. Are you really that petrified of finding someone, or something, that makes you happy now that you purposely destroy everything good that comes along? I can’t wrap my head around it,” I say in disbelief. Pressing my hand to his chest, I flatten my palm. “That heart you say you don’t have is beating right now. I know you care about me, too; I see it. I can feel it.”

“You know what?” Yanking a hand through his hair, he turns his back on me. “I don’t really care if you understand why this isn’t going to happen, you just need to comprehend that it won’t. End of story.”

“What a sad life,” I snap. Reaching out to grab his arm, I stop myself. Right now, I need to put every ounce of strength I have into what I have to say. If I touch him, I’ll crumble. I can’t let that happen. He doesn’t get to see that. “Fuckin’ coward. You’re only hurting yourself by being too afraid to take a chance on something real. This,” I say stepping around to meet his eyes, “could be the most real goddamn thing either of us have ever felt and you are turning your back on it out of fear. You were never meant to spend the rest of your life alone, but you have to make that decision. It can’t be made for you.”

His jaw ticks and he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. I want so badly to know what he is thinking, but Mitch never gives that away willingly. His thoughts and feelings are kept hidden from the world, hidden by the mask that he wears to keep people away.

Everyone except me. I thought things were changing, that he was letting me in.

And look where that got you, Shel?

“You said the other day you want honesty from me, so here goes.” His eyes open and my stomach drops into my toes. I have seen Mitch angry, upset, happy, and everywhere in-between, but the look in his eyes is one that rips me to shreds. Surrender. “Truth is, no matter how much I want you, how much I’m realizing that I need you, this can never go anywhere but bad. You’re better off walking the fuck away now. Since I know you won’t, I have to do that for you.”

Without another word, Mitch walks around me and heads down the trail, disappearing into the tree shrouded darkness.

“Enjoy your solitude, Mitch.” My words come out, but I can barely hear them so I know he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter, though. He has made his decision.

Walking back into the house, I am glad when it looks like Luke has gone to bed. The last thing I want is to deal with anyone right now. Taking a blue and gold afghan off the back of the couch, I curl up on the cushions. I have always relied on my strength to get me through tough times and now will be no different. I smile and laugh, because that’s just who I am. Even when I have to fake it, I do so until I am alone before I give in to the hurt I feel. Since I know Mitch won’t be coming back anytime soon, and Luke is most likely passed out behind the closed bedroom door, I let the tears fall.

I rode up here hoping to find answers. Thanks to Luke I got them, even if they weren’t the ones I expected or wanted. I wasn’t even sure of how I felt about Mitch until I walked in and overheard him and Luke talking tonight. Everything sort of became clear and I knew, in that moment, not only was I falling in love with him, but he all but said he loved me too. Then, while I am struggling with coming to terms with my heart and my head seeing Mitch in a new light, and all the possibilities that come along with it, he was quick to shatter it.

They say you can’t control who you fall in love with. Tonight, I learned that lesson well. The only thing left for me to figure out is what to do now that I know my love isn’t enough to reach in and save him from his demons.

Yanking the afghan up over my eyes, I groan at the sun for waking me up. I don’t know how long I spent feeling sorry for myself, but eventually I cried myself to sleep. Forcing my puffy eyes open, I sit up and look around the house for any signs of life.

“Luke?” I call out, pushing to my feet.

Starting down the hallway, I stop in the doorway of one bedroom. A full sized bed with a pink quilt lies untouched while the bed across the hall, was slept in, but is now empty. After making my way back through the house, I step into the kitchen and find a note from Luke taped to the fridge.