Some Hearts (17 page)

“Shit,” Caleb mumbled. “You’re freaking out over what I said, aren’t you?”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking that I’m going to be staying here tonight. You know that, right?”

He cocked an eyebrow at me and I motioned toward the mess of bottles scattered in front of us. “What kind of an example would I be setting for my mother if I came home as trashed as she was?” Not to mention, how was I going to get there? I sure as hell wasn’t about to drive in my intoxicated state.

He smiled but it looked more sad than genuine. “Yeah, you’re staying here. But as for you
r mom, one of these days you’re going to have to confront her. It’s not doing anyone any good to continue to ignore the situation.”

“I know. I just don’t know what to do. Insist she check into rehab?”

He shrugged. “Why not? It’s a start. Like I’ve said, I’ll talk to her with you, if you want. I mean, I know it’s not really my place but I’d be willing to be there to support you.”

A feeling of warmth rushed through me. I lifted my hand to his cheek and stroked it with my thumb. “You’re really good to me. You know that?”

He reached up, taking my hand in his. He kissed the back of my fingers, his eyes never left mine. “That’s because I care about you. I always have.”

I could blame my actions on the alcohol, but that was just a small part of it. Caleb had been a part of my life for a long time. I felt safe with him. I trusted him. I hadn’t meant to, but somewhere along the way, I’d started to feel more than friendship for him.

I knew I was rebounding, but I just didn’t have it within me to care. Caleb made me feel good and I was tired of drowning in bad feelings and emotions. I wanted out, away from the miserable feeling that always seemed to engulf me.

Right then, Caleb felt like a way out.

When I closed my eyes and moved toward him, he didn’t hesitate. His hand slid behind my neck, guiding my mouth to his.

“I know that this doesn’t mean anything to you…that it’s just a rebound. And I know I should be putting on the br
eaks. But damn, I don’t want to,” Caleb murmured in my ear.

“I’m not asking you to,” I assured him.

“I don’t want you to be pissed at me. And I sure as hell don’t want you to regret it,” he said softly.

I shook my head. “I won’t regret it. I want this. The night you kissed me…I knew it was wrong…but I wanted to kiss you back.
I want this, too.”I ran my hand down his bare chest. His shirt was on the floor, next to the coffee table. Somewhere next to it, my own shirt also lay on the floor. I reached down, my fingers slid against the button of his jeans. He pulled in a choppy breath, and then his lips were on my neck. His fingers fluttered against my back as he unhooked my bra.

That first kiss had
slowly escalated into more. He’d kissed me until I was breathless, until my body was aching for him. He’d kissed me and touched me until my need for him was the only thought that filled my head. I had felt more intoxicated by the feeling of his hands on my body than I had by the alcohol I’d consumed.

My fingers unbuttoning his jeans, t
hat had been all the encouragement he’d needed. He’d scooped me off the couch and carried me down the hallway to his bedroom. He’d placed me on his bed and wasted no time joining me.

The memory of the night before flooded over me the moment I became conscious the next morning. I
t only took me a second to assess my surroundings. I was in an unfamiliar bedroom, wrapped up tightly in someone’s arms. I knew immediately that it wasn’t Noah. The scent of the faded cologne was all wrong.

And I’d only ever awakened in Noah’s arms twice.

Never in a room like this.

I let the memories of the night before
play over once again. I waited for a feeling of guilt or regret. I felt neither. I felt pretty much nothing but numb. My thoughts eventually wandered to Noah. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was waking up in someone else’s arms too. I didn’t think he’d do that.

I hadn’t thought
I
would either. An unpleasant feeling slithered through me. And there it was. The guilt I’d been waiting to feel. Even though technically I’d done nothing wrong, this morning it didn’t feel exactly
right
either.

“Morning,” Caleb murmured into my hair.
After a few moments of hesitation he said, “Can I ask what’s going through your head right now?”

“Honestly? It’s such a jumbled mess I couldn’t even tell you.”

“Well you’re still here, that’s a start. I was half expecting to find you gone when I woke up.”

I tense
d. “Do you want me gone?” Maybe Caleb was used to one night stands that were gone by morning.

His arm tightened around me. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. You can stay as long as you want.”

I felt myself relax. The action put me a little tighter against Caleb’s chest. He didn’t seem to mind. His hand traveled along my hip, up my body, until he found my hand. It was curled into a fist against my stomach. He gently pried my fingers apart, tangling them with his.

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” Caleb commanded. “Are you mad at me?
I feel like I took advantage of the situation.” His thumb circled the back of my hand. The small movement was oddly relaxing.

I shook my head. “I’m not mad at all.
And if anyone took advantage of the situation, it was me.” This morning, I realized with clarity, that I may have been using Caleb to get Noah out of my head, to chase a little bit of the hurt away. On the other hand, I was pretty sure that Caleb was already well-aware of that.

He let out a sigh of relief. “Good. So you’re doing okay?”

I let out a little laugh. “If I tell you something, do you promise you’ll try not to take it the wrong way?”

“I promise.”

“I feel like I should feel guilty, or embarrassed, or like I should regret last night.” I shrugged. “But I don’t. I feel like I should be completely shattered over what happened with Noah, but I just feel…numb.”

“Do you want to hear my take on things?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“I think,” he said slowly, “that when someone suffers a loss so huge, like a death, it kind of desensitizes you. I was dating this girl; her name was Kristy, when Evan died. I’ll give her credit. She stuck with me for awhile. But like your mom, I started this downward spiral. She tried talking to me, she put up with me for months. I think she realized I wasn’t going to change just because she asked me to. She left me. I loved her. I was sure that I did. But I think I was so used to hurting all the time, so used to that gut-wrenching ache of missing Evan, that by the time she left, I barely felt anything at all.”

“You were numb to the pain.”

“Exactly.”

“And you think that’s what’s going on with Noah?”

“I think there’s a damn good chance that some hearts are so used to hurting, that they barely register a new break.”

I took a moment to think about what he’d said. It made sense. How much could one heart take?
How many times could it break before there was nothing left of it?

I didn’t want to think about Noah, or our break-up right then. That felt wrong when I was still in Caleb’s arms, in his
bed
. Instead, I wanted to learn more about him.

“What happened?
” I asked. “You said you were in a downward spiral. What changed?”

“It took Kristy walking away for me to wake up. By the time I really got my shit together, she’d moved on. I can’t blame her. I know I was an ass. I was completely miserable to be around. I made everyone around me miserable. But once she left, I realized if I didn’t straighten out, I was going to push everyone away. That’s when I decided to start doing s
omething positive with my life.”

“Is that when you started spending time with Tyler?”

“Yes. My dad was a shitty dad, even though he was around. My brother was always there for me, though. He stepped in just like Evan stepped in for Tyler. It meant the world to me that Darren was there for me, that I had someone to look up to. He was always looking out for me. Evan wanted to be that person for Tyler. But he’s gone and I think he’d appreciate it if he knew that there was someone looking out for his little brother.”

I nodded. “I know you’re right. Evan would appreciate it. I know I do. Tyler adores you.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“He is,
” I agreed.

“
So you and I? Where do we go from here?” Caleb asked. “Were you just looking for a one night stand? Or do you want to try the dating thing?”

Caleb and his questions, they always caught me off guard.

What
did
I want?

“I wasn’t looking for a one night stand, even if I gave that impression.” He chuckled at that even though I didn’t find the admission particularly amusing. “I would defi
nitely be open to trying dating, if you are.”

“I am definitely open to dating,” Caleb said. “Just name the time and place.
Later,” he said. “For now,” he withdrew the arm he had around me and let go of the hand he was holding, “how about I fix you some breakfast? I don’t know about you, but after last night, I kind of worked up an appetite.”

I was surprised when a laugh escaped my lips. “Yes, I could eat.”

He crossed the room to his dresser. His naked backside on full display. I did a quick visual sweep—
very nice
. I closed my eyes and flopped back against his pillow.

I had sex with someone last night.

Someone that wasn’t Noah.

It was a hard thought to grasp, even though the proof was standing feet away from me.

“I’ll go get the rest of your clothes,” Caleb said.

My eyes fluttered open. He was hovering above me. His chest was no longer bare and he’d pulled on a pair of basketball shorts. His face was inches from mine. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead. Then he silently left the room and pulled the door shut to give me some privacy. I scrambled out of bed, pulling on the few items of clothing that had made it this far.

When he came back, he knocked.

I pulled the door open, hiding most of myself behind it. I smiled sheepishly.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks,” I said. I snatched my shirt and bra from his hands. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Okay. Help yourself to anything you need in the bathroom. There’s probably an extra toothbrush or two in the bottom drawer,” he said.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Do you keep extra toothbrushes for all of your…um…,” I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.

I didn’t need to. He laughed at me. “Don’t tell me you don’t have any extra toothbrushes at your house.”

“Good point,” I admitted with a sheepish smile.

He left and I finished getting dressed. I tried not to think about the fact that I was wearing yesterday
’s clothes, or that I felt like I could use a shower. Or maybe not. I could smell Caleb’s scent, ever so subtly, on my own skin. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to wash that scent away.

I crossed the hallway to his bathroom. I could hear cupboard doors opening and pans being banged around in the kitchen. I found an extra toothbrush and hurriedly brushed my teeth. I snooped around for a washcloth and scrubbed my face clean.

Foraging around in his bathroom didn’t help me find a ponytail holder. I had to settle for running my fingers through my hair. When I looked semi-presentable, I made my way out to the kitchen.

“You like your pancakes with peanut butter, right?” Caleb asked as he looked up from flipping one.

I smiled and nodded, surprised that he remembered. Sure, he’d eaten breakfast with our family several times. That didn’t mean that I thought he’d paid attention to how I ate my pancakes. “So much better than syrup.”

He laughed. “If you want to have a seat, I’m almost done.
”

I watched as he sprinkled shredded cheese over the scrambled eggs. He loaded them onto one plate and the pancakes onto another. He placed them on the table and then went to the cupboard to pull out a jar of peanut butter.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was going to be the start of a great relationship, or if it was going to cause the complete destruction of a budding friendship.

***

“You’re probably going to hate me for this,” Riley said. “But I’ve been thinking. You’ve been dating for the last few years. Neither one of you has seriously dated anyone else.”

I remained silent even though I knew exactly where she was going with this.

She shrugged apologetically and when she spoke, her words were cautious. “I just think that maybe, possibly, this might be good for the two of you.”

“Good for us,” I muttered the words. I couldn’t help but wonder if Noah had handled our break up the same way I had. Had he jumped into bed with Amanda? I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have refused him.
Yet, I was sure that Noah had more class than that. More class than
me
. I needed to stop thinking about him. I nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

She was pacing across my floor. I was sitting at the end of my bed, brushing out my wet hair. I’d showered and I no longer smelled like Caleb.
On the other hand, I felt a little better, more like myself.

“I’m
right
?” She spun on her heel. Her hands dug into her hips and her eyes narrowed at me. “Did I hear you correctly?”

I braced myself and nodded.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Her eyes scoured over me. “Why aren’t you looking all…crushed and broken?” She took a step toward me. Her finger shot out, lifting my chin. Then it dropped and stabbed along my neckline as she plucked my shirt off my neck.

“Hey!” I said. “What are you doing?”

“You,” she said, her tone full of surprise, “have a hickey!”

My hand flew up to my neck. How had she seen that?! Caleb had left a mark on my collarbone. I had thought my shirt covered it. Apparently I was wrong. Panic sizzled through me.
I hadn’t decided if I was going to tell Riley about last night or not. She’d been sitting on my bed, waiting for me when I’d gotten out of the shower.

“Oh. My. Hell.” Riley said as she slammed her fists into her hips. “You got laid last night! You have that
look
!”

“What look?” I demanded.
How could she possibly know that?

She waved her hand in the general direction of
my face. “That look…like you can’t decide if you regret it or not.”

Was she serious? I would’ve doubted it...except that she was right.

“Oh,” she narrowed her eyes at me. “Did you and Noah make up already? Did he show up last night for some make-up sex? Because if he did, then disregard everything I just said.”