The parental-gossip chain rivals their kids’. I can’t risk the truth getting out that way.
“Hi,” I say reluctantly. I consider hiding in the squash basket. It’s probably not big enough. “Mom, do you know—”
“You’re Jason’s mom, right?” Mom extends her hand. They spend the next few minutes catching up on back-to-school news. I try to look busy even though we’re done setting up. When a customer comes up to our table, I practically knock him over with enthusiasm. He buys some peppers.
Then I’m alone with the moms.
Who are staring at me.
“I was just saying how nice it is that you and Jason have become such good friends,” Jason’s mom goes.
“Oh, you’ve noticed that, too?” Mom asks, faux-innocently.
I am mortified.
“Well, I’d better be going,” Jason’s mom says. “I’m sure I’ll see you again soon, Lani.”
My face gets hot. Is it my imagination, or are the moms looking at me like they know something I wish they didn’t know?
It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I’m not fooling anyone.
TUESDAY.
Jason and I declare the night to be arts-and-crafts time. One of the kids at the pond brought Jason some extra kaleidoscope kits from his day camp, so we’re making kaleidoscopes. I’m also putting Jason’s perfect circle-drawing skills to work making some cardboard Earths for me to glue onto posters for One World.
After my parents met Jason, he was allowed in my room. With the door open. Yesterday I got the feeling that my parents have known exactly what Jason and I are the whole time I was telling them that we weren’t. I’m still insisting we’re just friends, though. Part of the whole arts-and-crafts night was so Jason could come over and show that nothing’s going on.
We’ve spread out all the supplies on my bed. Jason is drawing yet another perfect circle.
“How can you always draw such perfect circles?” I go.
“It’s an inherent skill. Circular sketching is one of those things that can’t be developed.”
“Fascinating.”
The cardboard crunches as Jason cuts into it.
Out of nowhere, I’m like, “Did I ever tell you about the time Erin and I had our palms read?” I never told Jason that the psychic knew about him. But suddenly I have to tell him that she knew. With Erin coming home and school starting soon, I need to make sure things with us won’t change.
“When was that?”
“Um . . . last April?”
“No, you never told me.”
“Oh.” I pick up one of Jason’s cardboard circles. “Well, it was just . . . there’s this psychic in town who reads palms and tarot cards and we went in.” Some fibers are sticking out from the edge of the circle. I pull on them. “She knew about you. The psychic, I mean.”
“Really?”
“Like, she didn’t say
Jason
or anything, just that you were . . . that you were going to come into my life.”
“Whoa.”
“I know.” I scrape my fingernail along the edge of the circle.
“How did you know she was talking about me?”
“It was obvious.”
Jason takes the circle from me before I completely destroy it. “Did you want this to be a different shape, or . . . ?”
“Oh! Sorry.”
“No worries. There are plenty more where that came from.” Jason starts drawing another circle. “So . . . what did she say?”
“Just that you’re . . . important to me.”
I feel like I’m going to cry. It’s really hard to find the right words when you’re afraid to say the things you desperately want to say. I’m scared that things might change after our perfect summer is over. Underneath it all, the panic that Erin will eventually be back has always been there. Now it’s suddenly like Erin will be home in a few days and I can’t enjoy being with Jason the same way anymore. I’m all tense. The Unknown can attack at any time. It can rip your whole life to pieces. Things can change so quickly. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen with us.
The uncertainty is killing me.
“Come here,” Jason says.
I scrunch over a little.
“No,” he goes.
“Here.”
I scrunch all the way over to him. I glance at my open door.
Jason puts his arms around me. I lean against him, feeling safe for now. I just wonder how much longer this feeling will last.
WEDNESDAY.
There have been a few days this summer that I thought were the hottest ever, but today is hotter than all of them put together. A walk on Venus would be a relief right about now. Jason has to work and I have the day off, so I asked Blake over to get soaked on the Slip ’n Slide. His internship just ended, but he’s totally psyched to continue glassblowing. His mentor said he can use some of the studio space one day a week after school. He even wants to sell some of Blake’s pieces. I’m really happy for him. He deserves good things.
When Blake comes out in his bathing suit, I whistle.
“Excuse me,” I go, “no one told me this was a sexy party.”
“Well, it must be if you were invited.”
“Ha.” I pick up the hose and blast it on the Slip ’n Slide. “Ready?”
“Wooo!” Blake takes a running leap and splats onto the Slip ’n Slide. “I call next turn!”
I love seeing Blake this way, like nothing bad has ever happened to him, like he has no worries. He’s never this happy during the school year. I really hope being a senior will make his life more tolerable.
THURSDAY.
Blake wanted to check out some fish at the pet store, so I went with him. Every time he comes over, he’s glued to my fish tank, adoring Wallace and Gromit. Blake wants to get an aquarium when he’s at college. He would get one now if his house felt like home to him. He doesn’t want to bring pets into a hostile environment.
The first thing we saw at the pet store was this scary white cat sitting on his own pedestal. He fluffed out his fur in a huff of attitude. His weird eyes were like lasers, way more expressive than human eyes. It felt like he could read my soul. His eyes were all,
Yeah. I know you. I know everything you’re thinking.
The cat was acting all exotic and important. Which I guess is what happens when you’re put on your own pedestal.
“He’s freaking me out,” I told Blake.
“Who?”
I pointed at the cat. The cat could totally tell I was pointing at him. His enormous blue eyes narrowed.
Yeah. I know what you’ve been doing all summer. I know you’re sneaking around.
All I wanted to do was leave, but I managed to get Phil a toy first. Then I ran out of there.
FRIDAY.
Jason has a surprise for me.
He’s taking me somewhere secret. He won’t tell me where. It’s been like this for three days, with me asking for hints and him not giving me any. You’d think I’d be sick of playing this game by now, but I love it.
I also love being in Jason’s room. It smells like him. All his stuff is here. His bed is really comfortable. I’ve confiscated it while Jason folds some laundry that his mom just brought up. Jason’s house is always extra air-conditioned. I could seriously live here.
“Give me a hint,” I say.
“No hints,” Jason says.
“Just a little hint.”
“Still no hints.”
“Please?”
“I thought you liked surprises.”
“I like them even more when I get a hint.”
Phil’s paws click toward us down the hall. He stands in the doorway, staring at me.
“Hey, Phil,” I go.
Phil stares.
“You’re such a pudding face. Pudding
face
!” I dangle my arm off the bed. Phil clicks over to me. He sniffs my hand. Then he waits to be petted.
I try a different approach with Jason. “Is it inside or outside?”
“It’s both. No more hints.”
Phil looks up at me with his sad, glassy eyes. I want to tell him that everything’s going to be okay. He always seems so worried. And he’s always snuffling his nose on the floor, like now. So I take out the toy I got for him at the pet store yesterday. That was such a freaky experience.
When I jingle the toy, Phil growls at it. Then he sneezes and bites it and takes it over to the corner for some privacy.
“Ready?” Jason goes.
“For . . . I’m sorry, what is it we’re doing again? I forget.”
“Nice try.”
We get in the Jeep and put on our sunglasses. The afternoon sunlight is incredibly bright. Since the road we’re on really only leads to one place, I think I’ve finally figured out where we’re going.
“Are we going to Smoke Rise?” I ask. That’s where all the hot-air balloons come down. When Mom and I used to drive around following hot-air balloons, we always ended up there. I liked seeing the people who rode in those balloons. I always wondered what kind of people they were and if they ever got scared and what it’s like to be that high up.
“Maybe,” Jason says.
“What might we do at Smoke Rise?”
“Hmm. I haven’t really thought about it.”
When we get there, a hot-air balloon is coming down. We get out and watch it land. Every time a jet of flame is fired to heat the air inside the balloon, it makes a loud, harsh noise.
“This is so cool,” I go. “How did you know when their balloon would be landing?”
“I didn’t.”
“Oh, so this is just a coincidence?”
“Exactly,” he says. He holds my hand.
I scan the few other people here, but I don’t see anyone from school. Not that I think any of them would be interested in something this dorky. You just never know who’s going to be where.
Jason’s like, “Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“To the surprise.”
“I thought that
was
the surprise.”
“What, that? No, that was just a balloon landing. You can see that anytime.”
“So what’s the surprise?”
Jason points to another balloon on the ground. Then he looks at me, all excited.
“What?” I go.
“Come on.”
We go over to the balloon, which has rainbow stripes on it. There’s a guy next to it, writing something on a clipboard. When he sees us he goes, “Hi there, Jason.”
“Oh my god,” I go. “Are you taking me for a hot-air-balloon ride?”
“If I said no, could I keep the surprise going?”
I’ve always wanted to go on a hot-air-balloon ride. And Jason knows it. He knows it and he didn’t just sit around knowing it. He actually did something about it.
It’s not until we’re so high up with everything looking impossibly small below us that it hits me. The huge problems we deal with every day are actually really small. We’re so focused on what bothers us that we don’t even try to see our lives from a clearer perspective.
Everything will be okay. No matter what happens after Erin comes home, no matter how mad at me she gets, it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. Isn’t that what fate is all about? The Energy influencing our actions, directing us toward our destiny? If Jason and I are destined to be together, then everything that happened this summer happened just the way it was supposed to.
Too bad Erin probably won’t see it that way.
SATURDAY.
During a colossal lapse in judgment, I agreed to go in the pond.
Since that time we took the rowboat out on the lake, Jason’s done a few more swimming lessons with me without any actual swimming involved. I hardly had to get in the water at all. One time I walked with him along the shore, getting my feet wet and looking for interesting shells. After a while I felt comfortable enough to go in up to my knees. It wasn’t so bad. Last week we took the train a bunch of towns over to a public pool. Jason held me while I floated. I floated with my buddy in swimming, too, but I’m feeling like I can trust the water a little more now. I can’t imagine ever trusting it completely, though.
But tonight, I’m excited about the water. Because tonight it’s all about night swimming.
Green Pond is ours exclusively. If anyone catches us, Jason will use his lifeguarding status to justify trespassing. It’s only 9:00, so I don’t think we’ll get in too much trouble if we’re caught.
We linger at the edge of the pond, looking out at the vast darkness of it.
Jason holds my hand.
“Don’t let go of me,” he says.
“I’m never letting go of you.” I’m so scared that I’m squeezing Jason’s hand way too hard. I can’t help it. This will be my first time going into any water that’s not a pool since the accident. Natural water is way scarier than pool water. Anything can happen out here.
The night is so clear. There are a million stars. I find the Big Dipper. It reassures me that I’ll be safe.
We take a step. Then another.
I’m up to my ankles.
Then my knees.
Then my thighs.
When the water is up to my waist, I have to stop for a long time.
“This is as far as I can go,” I decide.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m really sure.”
“Well, let’s just hang out here for a while and see what happens.”
We talk about everything. Train-track walks and fate and horoscopes and our summer jobs and school and ideas for new note codes. When I eventually look back up at the stars, they’re in different positions.
“Think you can go in a little more?” Jason says. “You’re safe.”
“I’ll try.”
I grasp his hand. We walk in farther. Soon, I’m up to my shoulders.
“You’re doing great,” he says. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Jason stands in front of me, holding my hands. “Would you let me pull you along for a few seconds? All you have to do is kick your feet behind you.”
“For how many seconds?”
“Three?”
Can I really do this? As long as my feet are on the bottom of the pond, I know I probably won’t drown. But once I can’t feel the ground supporting me anymore . . .
Then I remember my goal. I want to swim in Hawaii next summer. I want to know what it feels like to be free.