I don’t know if it’s in you when you’re born or something you learn, but fighting fires is a way of life. It’s who he is. I would never change that. It takes a special kind of person to be able to run into a burning building and give your life for theirs.
But at the end of the day, when you have to live a life outside of the fire, then what?
Where does that leave the ones who give their hearts to these heroic, obsessed men?
I wish I knew.
“What do you want Aubrey?” Complicated eyes drew mine toward his. I was so tired that I could barely keep my own eyes open. I did for the simple fact that we needed this. Right now, in the darkness where my reservations rooted us, we were talking.
“I don’t know.”
His tone was frustrated as he repeated his question. “Tell me what you want.”
Marriage. You home.
“You.” I settled on one. For now.
I can’t lay it all out there right now.
“You already have that. I’m here.” Forcefully, pressing his eyes shut, he asked, “Do you love me?” His voice was like gravel, and my heart was an open wound.
I wanted to tear this feeling from my chest. Rip the motherfucker away. “Always.”
Jace gave a nod. His eyes closed and then opened slowly, watching mine.
“You put up a good front. You do. But I see what this has done to you. To us.”
He wasn’t saying anything again.
“You make me so insane sometimes. It’s like watching a fire destroy everything you love. I have the ability to put it out, but I can’t. I need you to get it. I need you to understand now how hard this is on me, and now . . . ”
“I understand.” He shook his head, as if he didn’t want to hear anymore. “I’m not sure you do.”
“Why were you out so late with Brooke?”
“We were talking.”
I knew I had nothing to worry about, but our brains sometimes work in funny ways and put doubts where they didn’t need to be.
“I’m just trying to help out her, Aubrey. She’s struggling, and it helps to have someone around who understands.”
“I don’t?”
“No. You can’t.” He seemed to sense immediately that his words hurt me, and he hastened to add, “It’s no fault of yours. It’s just . . . I don’t know what it is, but it’s nothing besides me being a friend for her. She doesn’t expect anything. I’m just there for her to talk.”
Brooke did need someone. I understood that, and had I been in her place, I would have been grateful for the support around me.
The feeling returned and rose up, coating my cheeks with a mixture of sadness and anger.
When would Jace be there for me? When would he stop saving others and save what was right in front of him?
Monday, December 17, 2012
Aubrey
M
ONDAY NIGHT
Jace and I drove out to his parents’ house to get the kids, only the snow storm they had been predicting literally happened while we were trying to get there.
Seattle doesn’t get much snow; I’ve said that before. In a matter of thirty minutes, at least two inches had formed on the already frozen streets, leaving them a mess. Everywhere we looked, cars were colliding with guardrails and other parked cars.
Some people even stopped and got out of their cars, leaving them in the middle of the road, as if that would solve the problem. “What a bunch of assholes,” Jace grumbled, pulling around a Nissan that had stopped in the left lane of the two-lane street.
When we reached Capital Hill, that was when we saw the worst of it. Two buses had collided with each other and smashed into a guardrail, and were now dangling over I-5.
The accident had just occurred, as no emergency personnel had arrived yet. Jace reached for the center console to retrieve his phone.
He must have dialed 911, but I was too stunned to understand what was happening. My eyes focused on the bus that was in front, teetering dangerously close to the edge. Bystanders stood rendered silent as they slowly approached it, but I don’t think anyone knew what to do.
“What are you going to do?” My voice shook; he knew immediately I was scared.
His hand found mine in the dimly lit truck. “I’m going to go help who I can. Stay here.”
“There’s no fire.” I was only pointing out the obvious. “How can you help them?”
“There doesn’t have to be. I do more than run inside burning buildings.” His remark was kind of sarcastic, but I could tell he was in his work mode now. He wanted to save those people, should they need him.
I knew that.
“I’m scared, Jace,” I said. My hand wrapped around his forearm as he put his hand on the door to get out.
He paused with one foot out the door, the other on the steering wheel as he twisted away. “Don’t be. I’m not. I’m just going to go over there and make sure everyone is okay.”
I sighed, not feeling relieved in the slightest. “That’s not exactly reassuring.”
“Stay in the car.”
There wasn’t a chance in hell I was getting out. It was cold. I was positive penguins would have struggled in that cold. It was a living hell, and Jace was going out in it. To save others.
Nature raged outside, and the tires on the snow made a crunching sound as cars fought for control on the slick road. Dozens of vehicles lost control, slamming into other ones all around us, some nearly missing our truck, and Jace.
Once the fire trucks and ambulances started to arrive, I could hear him outside the truck, helping the passengers as they lay on the ground just feet from me. The wind had picked up and the snow swirled as if it was dust, constricting my view and, I’m sure, Jace’s.
It was a surreal experience to see this up close and personal, knowing some of these people I was watching being carried away wouldn’t make it another few hours.
“Can you feel your fingers and toes, buddy?” Jace asked a kid lying on the snow-covered pavement.
“No.” The kid, who looked to be a teenager, started to cry. That was when Jace took his jacket off and draped it over the kid’s chest. “I can’t.”
“Get a neck collar and a long board over here!” Jace yelled over his shoulder, and then turned back to the kid. His eyes caught mine and he looked at me for just a split second. “What’s your name, buddy?”
“Chris.” The boy sniffed. Everything from his waist down was completely still. It was fairly apparent he’d broken his neck.
“Mine’s Jace . . . we’re gonna get you on this board and get you to the hospital where they can help you out.” Jace laid his hand on the boy’s chest, reassuring him with a soft tone and a gentle touch. “Just stay calm.”
One by one, he helped the passengers off the bus and then assisted in getting them all the help they needed.
I was in awe of him and what he did, but also scared.
He didn’t look afraid. He looked full of determination to save these people. I saw him work firsthand for the first time in my life, and I finally understood
why
he did what he did.
I wondered how he did it. How could he have a level of detachment that allowed him to save small children and then come back out from saving another, only to see them being covered in a tarp?
How could he stomach seeing people crushed to death and then trying to pull them to safety? How could he look into the eyes of that boy and not cry, knowing he wasn’t going to be okay?
“How do you decide who to save or who you’ll go after first?” I asked when he got back in the truck. “Is that boy going to be okay?”
“He’s paralyzed.” His eyes seemed distant, as if he had to be so he couldn’t feel what this was doing to him. “You go off instinct usually.” Rubbing his hands together, he cranked the heater to restore the heat in the truck. “Whoever is closer. A child, a woman, or how bad their injuries are.”
“So you can save people . . . aside from saving them from fire?” My thoughts went to the boy and the tears I’d seen in his eyes.
Jace looked at me curiously for a moment. I guess, when I thought about it, I hadn’t understood the extent of his training. I knew he could do CPR and all that, but this looked above and beyond that. “I’m EMT certified, all firefighters in Seattle are, but I’m not a paramedic. I could save them if I had to. I’m just not allowed to administer drug therapy or start IVs.”
One would think I would be proud of what I’d seen, and I was. He saved those people’s lives. But the other part was scared shitless that I would be sitting with Brooke tomorrow night, and she would be comforting me.
“Why do you do this?” I asked, feeling my anxiety rising as we tried to get to his parents’ house. Every street we turned on there was wreck after wreck, and I knew he wanted to stop and help. He probably would have, but when he looked over at me, he saw it. I was scared.
So many cars had nearly hit him when he was out there, but selflessly he risked his own life for the unknown.
“Where is this coming from, Aubrey?”
“It’s coming from me.” My voice was starting to shake, mirroring the actions of my body as I fought the nerves and the cold. “I’m scared.”
“You have nothing to be scared of.”
“Yes . . . yes I do.”
He nodded; he knew exactly what I was referring to. He knew he was wrong. I had a lot to be scared of.
“Why do you always have to be the hero? What about me? What about the kids? Do you ever stop to think about how we feel?”
“Don’t.” He wanted me to stop talking, but with what I’d just seen, I couldn’t. I had never been that close and seen how dangerous his job really was. He always told me it was different, that yes, it was dangerous but like this? I wasn’t prepared for that.
“Why do you always have to be the hero? I can’t do this without you, Jace.” I was so pissed by the time he got inside the car that I said what I was feeling.
Just when I thought he might see this for what it is, he didn’t.
Why? Why did he always have to do this? Why were we never important?
His expression shifted from hurt to anger in the blink of an eye. “Don’t, Aubrey.” He shook his head, snow falling from his hair, and then resting his hand back on the steering wheel. We hadn’t moved in a couple of feet. The traffic was stopped ahead of us for what looked to be another accident, judging by all the lights. Sirens could be heard in either direction. All around us the snow fell in large flakes that coated the streets in a heavy slick sheet. The windshield wipers swished on high, but it didn’t seem to make a difference, as it was packed in white clumps and accumulating more quickly than the wipers could clear it.
“I can’t do this. I mean it.” I said it again, looking out the window, wishing I wasn’t feeling this right now. If you listened, you could hear the crunching as cars slid off the snow and the low thumps as they hit light poles and parked vehicles. Usually in Seattle they closed certain streets to avoid this, but the amount of snow in such a short time frame hadn’t been expected. “That was insane. You could have been hit by so many cars.”
“Stop it.” When my eyes found him again, he looked completely frustrated that here he’d just saved maybe twenty people, and I was questioning him now. Of all moments, I’d chosen right now. “Don’t do this. Don’t put that on me. You knew this was my life. You’ve always known.”
“Yes, I knew it was your life, but what about us? Getting out in the middle of the street to save people, that’s your job?”
“What about you?” He looked offended, as if I had slapped him across the face. I might as well have for questioning him this way. “I do this because of you. I save people. And if I weren’t here, I hope that someone else would do the same. When I save someone, I’m thinking, what if that was Aubrey? What if that little boy was Jayden and what if that girl was Gracie? Would I want someone risking their life to save hers? My answer is yes. My fucking answer would be yes
every
goddamn time, and you don’t see it. So I do the same, because I’m one call away from being called here, to save
you
.”
For a moment I was caught off guard by his honesty. Jace was never a man to bare anything. You had to dig deep to get any truth, but when he did open up, the honesty he showed was nearly heartbreaking.
There was nothing more I could say right then. Nothing. I had his truth.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
I
FELT
like a complete ass after what I’d said to Jace the other night, and more so for questioning him and his reasoning behind what he did.
Somehow our communication had been lost. It was buried under everything we didn’t say to one another. And the longer we didn’t talk about it, the harder it was to try and talk about it.
We talked a little more, but I think it hurt him a lot that I didn’t understand why he did what he did.
But in truth, he didn’t understand what it was doing to me. I’ve never had security in my life. I’ve only ever had the unknown. Was it wrong for me to want stability?
I didn’t think it was.
That afternoon I decided I should spend some time with the kids, since I’d taken the day off. Lauren wanted to earn some extra money for the holidays, and after last night, I needed the time away to think. I was grateful for Shanna giving me so much slack at the shop these days. I totally felt like I was letting her down, but I think she understood that I needed some time.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked Gracie over breakfast. Jace was already at work and had left us alone with the Bubble Guppies. If I never heard “What time is it? It’s time for lunch!” ever again, it would be too soon.
“The park,” Gracie said, looking to Jayden for approval. He nodded at the words, so she regarded me again, bright blue eyes full of excitement. “Definitely the park.”
“You do realize . . . ” My cell phone started vibrating beside me. Briefly I glanced at it and saw it was my mother again. She called at least three times a day. And every one I ignored. I knew what she wanted. Turning the ringer to silent, I looked back at Gracie. “It snowed all night. It’s like thirty degrees out there, and there are probably at least four inches of snow.”
“I don’t care.” She really didn’t. “That’s why you bought me snow gloves.”
She had an answer for everything, as most four-year-olds do.