Something Worth Saving (33 page)

Ladder 1 to command, we’re bringing him down now.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Aubrey

A
FTER WORK
I did the unthinkable.

Shopping at Northgate Mall for Christmas.

And if I thought being arrested for stalking would have been mortifying, being arrested for smacking a lady in the head with my purse for the last Rapunzel doll for Gracie would have probably been even more mortifying.

Fortunately, I survived, stopped off for Chinese food, and then got home to Jace and the kids. Immediately Gracie wanted to know what I’d gotten her.

Gracie squealed in delight, cupping her hands around her cheeks, pointing to the tree she and Jace had set up while I was gone. “I’m gonna lie right here under the tree until Santa comes.”

Jace and I both started laughing, she was so cute and excited.

Me, I was dreading Christmas a little. Every Christmas Eve we were with Logan and Brooke at her parents’ house.

Obviously this year was going to be very different. In a lot of ways.

When we had the kids in bed, Jace came to me in the living room, the lights of the newly lit Christmas tree glowing throughout.

He knelt in front of me. “Talk to me, honey. Just talk to me.” There was a look of concern on his face I’d never seen before. A look that, for someone as controlled as he was, seemed forced, but it wasn’t. It was sincere. Soon there were tears streaming down both our faces. “Don’t give up on me.”

When you finally listen, when you finally hear, that’s when the pain finally stops.

Everything has a temperature where it will burst into flame. It’s called a flash point. Jace’s flash point?

Me.

“I know this boy in you . . . but you’re lost.” My hands twitched to touch him. He looked so much like the boy I’d fallen in love with.

Pulling his eyes from mine, he glanced at my hands. “Sometimes it hurts to look at you.” He swallowed, the action forced as he blinked slowly and then found my eyes again.

“Why?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing right now.

“Because I see what I’ve lost, and it hurts.”

“You haven’t lost me.”

So many times over the last month I’ve wanted him to say something. To not only see how I feel but acknowledge it.

But was I acknowledging how he felt? Had I ever asked if he was okay?

No. I couldn’t remember doing that.

“Does it feel like I don’t care?” he asked. “That I don’t love you?”

When I didn’t say anything, he looked over at me. I hesitated for a moment but said, “I never said that, Jace.”

“If you can’t feel my intentions here, I’m doing something wrong, and I’m sorry for that. If this stops beating” — he brushed his knuckles softly over my left breast above my heart — “mine does, too.”

I’ve had two experiences with intimacy in my life. And both had been very different from one another. Ridley was different from Jace in many ways. He had cold skin and an even colder heart. Jace is was warm. Warm heart. Warm skin. Blue eyes that melted you.

Jace was the type of guy who tested your vulnerabilities and weakened your ability to say no to him. When he stole my heart, he knew I would never be the same. He made sure of that.

I’ve seen his anger, his pride — they’ve destroyed this very room. But I’ve never seen him like this, opening up. Ever.

“If we don’t give this everything we have, we’re always going to wonder. I don’t want that. I want to know I gave everything I had.”

I looked up at him again. The moment was gone, but his eyes were anxious. He wasn’t sure what I was going to say next, and it scared him. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes again, those blue depths were full of anger and pain. Exactly what I had caused him.

“I’ve . . . lost my way. I put too much pressure on you and assumed you knew what I was feeling. I should have said something.”

“And I never asked how you felt. I’m sorry.”

Kissing my face, he then traced along my skin, slowly moving his fingertips over my features.

His lips captured mine. “Please don’t leave me,” he breathed against my tear-soaked lips, his hands sliding from my cheeks to grasp the tops of my shoulders, keeping me against his chest. “I can’t lose you, too.”

It was the type of kiss that would burn your skin. In a good way.

“Never.” When our fingers brushed, I felt it. He wanted to fix this. Right here. Right now. “I’ve always wanted you, Jace. I’ve been afraid that I would push, and you would leave.”

“I could never leave you. I’m just trying . . . to protect the one thing I can’t live without. And . . . ” his lips found mine again. “ . . . that’s you.”

“I’m scared,” I whispered to him. His eyes were on me, watching.

Long moments passed, and I began to wonder what he was thinking and feeling when I saw his intimidating blue eyes waver. He was scared, too. “I know. I am, too.”

Lifting my hand to his face, I ran my fingers down the stubble of his jaw.

When something threatens your body, what happens?

Your body fights back, raises your temp, and fights in various ways. It works over time to give you a fighting chance.

Eventually though, parts of you give up. And that’s fine — you can live without some. Your appendix?

You don’t even need that.

Gallbladder? Don’t need that, either.

Spleen? You can make it without it.

Kidneys? You only need one, so I’ve heard.

Liver? Maybe. Unless you’re my Georgia.

I was sure hers stopped working years ago.

Lungs? You need them, but you could make it on one, I believe.

But your heart, it operates all that.

So what happens when someone or something threatens that?

You fight. You have no choice. I was fighting back. Getting back what was mine.

Strong hands trailed over my body, and his voice brought me back to his face.

“Tell me you love me,” he panted, shifting his position to look at me.

I pushed his hair from his forehead, my gaze lingering and holding focus with his eyes before my lips found his.

“I love you,” I told him between kisses.

Command to ladder 1, we’re starting an exterior attack, evacuate.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Aubrey

W
E’VE GOT
oxygen. We’ve got heat. Now we needed something to burn.

What we crave is what’s desired. It’s a will to survive, if you ask me.

My will to survive?

The one next to me, and the two little hearts that beat because of us.

Someone once told me that in order to make a relationship work, you had to give it everything you had, and then give it everything you don’t have.

I’m not sure who said it, but it never really made sense to me. Think about it. What does ‘give it everything you don’t have’ mean?

It means, I would guess, that in order to love someone, you have to give pieces of yourself you never thought you would have to. Maybe even pieces you’ve never had yourself.

For me that would be confidence. Never had that. I’m insecure by nature, seldom look people in the eye – and frankly, it actually freaks me out a little to do so.

I’m an introvert. Put me in a room with a bunch of people, and I will go out of my way not to talk to them. It isn’t because I don’t want to — it’s because I don’t know what to say.

There are so many reason why I am this way, most of which I’ve never considered. Mommy issues, daddy issues, rejection, you name it. I could probably win a BINGO hand, should there be one for this sort of thing.

Jace once told me that I expected him to be the perfect guy. For a while I didn’t think that statement was true, because how could someone like me, with the fine qualities I listed earlier, think someone would need to be perfect?

Clearly I’m not one to be asking for greatness here, right?

When I look back on my life, I can see the pattern of destruction that’s led me to this. The part where Jace said I needed perfection. It’s not his fault.

There were times when I wished I had a different life and told myself that when I found it, it would be perfect.

See where I’m going with this?

I wanted perfect, whether I knew it or not.

For myself, I intended to keep working on that.

Through the night and into the early morning hours, Jace and I finally said what needed to be said.

I wouldn’t say everything was perfect now, but at least we were communicating, something we hadn’t done in the past. Something we had avoided at all cost. I don’t know what changed or even how it happened, but it did, and I was thankful for it.

I guess it didn’t happen right away either. Just like the strain that was put on our relationship, it was like a slow-moving fire. With time it had become almost unbearable.

But slowly we started to make ground on it. It was a slow process. Days got better and better, until one day we could finally talk without the hurt and each day a little more was revealed.

We had found that love again.

How do you find that spark again? And I’m talking a manageable spark. One that would burn evenly.

Porn? Well, that was the suggestion I got from Shanna, Lauren,
and
Kari. That, along with handcuffs, rope — all things I’d never even considered until Shanna and Lauren thought they’d help a girl out. They even bought me a fucking vibrator, as if I was going to have to do the job myself.

Or was I supposed to use it on him?

As you can see, I had no experience in this area.

It was going to take some time.

What we decided on was a night out at Trinity nightclub, a place we hadn’t been since before Gracie was born.

As I got dressed that evening, I wore my new black dress, snug in all the right places, with my lacy panties and bra that matched. I hadn’t worn it in years, and thought tonight would be the perfect occasion.

Since that night I smacked him in the face with my elbow, we hadn’t had sex. Not since Logan’s death, either.

Tonight I planned on changing that.

“Hey, Aubrey.” I could hear Jayden screaming in the living room, refusing to get his shoes on. “Maybe we could just stay here.”

“I have a better idea.” I walked out in full view for him.

Jace’s tongue touched his bottom lip, his confusion still obvious, and then he looked at my dress. “I like it better already.”

“I have a plan tonight.”

He leaned forward, smiling. “Is that so?” Scratching his jaw, he studied me.

“Yes. And we’re dropping the kids off with Brooke, and I will show you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

We were dropping the kids off with Brooke – as they were both having a slumber party with Amelia tonight – when Brooke asked what our plans were for the evening.

Naturally, she knew we had talked and planned to go out. A few drinks, maybe go to a bar or something. Things we hadn’t done since we first started dating.

That was how you found the spark again. In my opinion, at least.

My plan was to have a good time, get drunk, have sex, and then have sex again.

I wasn’t even sure which order that would happen in, either.

Once we were at the nightclub, everyone seemed to start drinking immediately. And by everyone, I mean Jace, Lauren, Axe, Kari, Kasey, and me. Even Shanna showed up. Since Logan died, no one had done anything fun. Now we were just trying to have a little fun for the first time in a month. On a Thursday night, of all nights.

“I have so many plans for tonight, but sobriety is just not one of them,” Lauren said. It seemed to be her new mantra.

Her pledge started an endless flow of drinks to our table in the back of Trinity nightclub.

“So have you guys . . . you know . . . made up?” Kari asked, curious as always. “And you know what kind of ‘making up’ I’m talking about.”

Immediately Shanna and Lauren were all ears, too.

Jace let out a deep throaty laugh at something Axe had just said and stretched his arms over his head and one around my shoulder, drawing me closer to his side.

I whispered to Kari, “No . . . not exactly.”