Somewhere Only We Know ....... (18 page)

The nights
were long, even after a couple of glasses of wine, which had
quickly became my night time ritual
didn
’
t help me sleep. I
would toss and turn, get up, go back to bed, toss and turn some
more and then when I did eventually fall asleep I would be woken at
the crack of dawn with the sickness and had to run to the
bathroom.

Everyone
asked if
I was all right, I shrugged it
off and said I just thought that the move and the past few months’
events were catching up with me. I was on lock down. The wall had
come up and I had bolted the doors so no one could get in. The
monster was my problem, I didn
’
t need to share the misery.

The first
hospital appointment went smoothly enough. They scanned me and
clarified that I was 11 weeks and 2 days. I
didn
’
t need a calendar to
work out when the
‘
monster
’
had been
conceived. Any hope that I might have had that somehow the lovely
Michael could have been the dad were well and truly scuppered. The
monster in my tummy had grown a pair of horns before I even left
the hospital. But I had a date and it would all be over
soon.

As I made my way over to my car, a woman
ambled towards me. She was old and dressed in a strange fashion.
She had a shabby old shopping bag in her hand. She was heading
straight towards me and as I went to dodge out of the way of her,
she grabbed my arm.

“
Oh my
lovely!!
’
she said in a soft
voice. I looked at her, I didn
’
t recognise her, but she seemed to think that she knew
me.
“
My
lovely
”
she said again. She
placed her hand on my tummy and started to rub it.
“
Don
’
t do it, my
lovely. He is a gift for you. Don
’
t hate him
”
. I
looked at her stunned. She continued to rub my tummy, but using her
other hand she produced a sprig of heather.
“
Cross my palm, my lovely and all
will be well
”
. She stopped
her rubbing and I fumbled in my bag for money. I gave her a £10
note just to get rid of her, she was scaring me.
“
Thank you my lovely, hear what I
said, he is a gift
”
. With
that she was off.

Getting into
the car, I sat. The old gypsy had really taken the wind out of my
sails.
“
A
gift
”
I thought,
“
a gift just like the plants, well
they went out with the rubbish
……
.
”

The
following few days took on much the pattern as the previous ones,
up, sick, smile, kids to child-minder, smile, work, smile some
more, pick kids up, tea, laugh, bath time, laugh some more, kids to
bed, glass of wine, maybe 2 or 3 or 4. When, by the time I was
downing a bottle of wine by the 3
^rd
or fourth night after my
gypsy episode I knew I was in trouble.

I was out of
my depth. I was on automatic pilot and lock down, drinking my way
through my pain. On the Friday morning as I hung over the toilet
bringing up the contents of my bottle of wine, I decided that I had
to do something. My hospital appointment was still a week away. I
could do a lot of damage in a week, I
wasn
’
t bothered about me,
but I was bothered about Thomas and Bethany and I
wasn
’
t functioning properly,
I was sure that if they needed me through the night I
wouldn
’
t hear them. I was no
drinker and a whole bottle of wine was probably the equivalent of
one of Keith
’
s
bender
’
s. I was no better
than him. The thought of Keith made me feel even sicker and for the
next 15 minutes I clung on to the basin.

Neverthe
less as the day went on I
was still no clearer about what I was going to do. I had no plans
for the weekend. Usually the thought of a free weekend with the
kids filled me with excitement, we could go where we liked and do
what we liked with no one to answer to, but this baby was wearing
me out and I wasn
’
t sure if
I would have the energy to keep Thomas and Bethany amused all
weekend on my own. I stopped in my tracks.
“
Rewind, rewind back, rewind back
and play
”
I said to
myself.
“
This
baby!!
”
I had said
“
this baby!!
”
For the first time since I had found out I was
pregnant I had referred to the thing in my tummy as a baby.
“
What the fuck
”
I said to myself. I sat at my little desk in my
little office and thought about what I had just said. As I sat
there thinking, it dawned on me, it
didn
’
t matter how hard or
how long I thought about it, it
didn
’
t happen. It was no
longer a monster. The monster had gone. It was a baby.
“
What the hell was I going to do
now?
”
I picked up the
phone.

“
Karen,
it
’
s just me, I really need
to talk!!!
”

I Want Y
ou
Baby

When Karen
came, the kettle went on and apart from getting the milk out, the
fridge door stayed firmly shut on the wine. Thomas and Bethany were
tucked up in bed, Karen sat at the dining room table. Putting the
coffees down in front of us I smiled. For the first time in weeks I
actually smiled.
“
I
don
’
t know where to
start
”
, I said,
“
so maybe if I start where
I
’
m at now and work
backwards, I’ll get there
”
.
“
I
’
m
pregnant
”
.

As Karen sat
in shocked silence, I told her how everything had unfolded, the
monster, the doctor, hospital, gypsy and then the baby. Over the
next hour, I told her where I had been, mentally if not physically,
how I had been drinking, how I had despised the monster and Keith
and how the monster evolved back into a baby.

Karen
stopped me in my speaking every now and then. She asked questions,
she made statements like
“
why didn
’
t you ring
me
”
,
“
you
didn
’
t need to do this on
your own
”
etc etc. When I
was done, she asked quietly
“
What are you going to do?
”
“
I want to keep him (if the old
gypsy was telling the truth then this was a he), I
don
’
t know how I will
manage, but where there’s a will there is a way and Karen,
I
’
m willing
now
”
.

She stood
up, came around the table and wrapped her arms around me. The
cuddle was all I needed to open the floodgates, I sat at the table
and cried. Karen held on to me tight. Through my sobs I said
“
I nearly got rid of him Karen, I
really didn
’
t want him. What
if I had gone through with the termination and then come to my
senses, I would never have forgiven
myself
”
.

“
But you
haven
’
t have you? For
whatever reason that little baby in there has let you know he
isn
’
t a
monster
”
.
“
What about Keith, are you going to
let him know?
”

I
hadn
’
t given much thought to
what I was going to do. The only think that I was sure about now
was that I would be cancelling my hospital appointment and
re-booking the doctor. Apart from that, everything was still a grey
area. But I felt better. I felt like I could take on the world,
this baby wasn
’
t a monster,
he was a gift. He was strong, my Samson and if he could be strong
then I could too.

‘
I
don
’
t think I will’, I
couldn
’
t cope with being in
touch with him. Maybe later on, but
I
’
ve got quite a way to go
until I need to tell him anything. I think the main thing is to get
myself organised. Thomas will be barely 3 and Bethany not even 2, I
think I
’
m going to have my
hands full
”
. But as I said
it I was smiling.

After Karen
left and I had tidied around, I made my way upstairs. I ran a bath
and after a long soak I climbed into bed. I fell into a dreamless
sleep. Waking the next morning, I had no sickness. Little Samson
had got my attention and his actions had had the desired
effect.

James was born on a sunny May morning. He
arrived when he was supposed to, no intervention was needed and the
labour was quick and manageable.

He was beautiful. My mam and Karen were with
me and we all cried with joy when he made his debut in to our
family. He was our gift. Our little Samson.

After the initial trauma at the beginning of
the pregnancy, the rest had been a doddle, baby wise anyway. Either
my mam or Granny came to all my appointments and when I wrote up
the birth plan, I asked Karen if she would be my birthing partner.
It was lovely sharing my pregnancy with the family and my best
friend and to be honest it was the first time I had any support at
all during any of my pregnancies.

As I was so well I worked up until a couple
of weeks before my due date. Work had been good, understanding the
need for me to have more time after the birth than before and
suggesting that I job shared when I returned. They even suggested
that I did it with Jenny, she had been popular there, but turned
out she was pregnant again so that was a no no.

When I was about six months pregnant I had
managed to track Keith down. It had taken some doing, at first I
thought he must have left the country. As it was, he was living
about 20 miles away from us. I had bumped into one of his former
work colleagues at the Metrocentre and he told me where he was
working. A couple of phone calls later and I managed to get him on
the phone. Deciding that it would be better to tell him in person,
I asked if I could meet him at is work.

I think he
thought that I was after money. I
didn
’
t bother to warn him
about the baby. So as I sat in the reception area of his work I
smiled to myself.
“
Serve the
bastard right
”
. He came
bounding through the doors all smiles and cheap aftershave. I felt
nothing for him. I stood up, I had dressed carefully to show my
growing bump off to the best advantage. The look on his face was
priceless. He looked at me, then the bump and then back at
me.
“
Can we go
outside?
”
I asked him. I
don
’
t even think he replied,
just followed me through the double doors. I headed over to my car.
Even though I knew I shouldn
’
t be, I was still having the occasional cigarette, so when
we got to car, I leant against the bonnet and lit up.

“
Yes, it’s
yours Keith. Nothing has changed, I still
don
’
t want anything to do
with you. But I thought you had a right to
know.
”
He just
stared.
“
I
’
m not expecting
anything from you, you haven
’
t supported the kids you already have so there is no hope
with his one. But like I said I wanted you to hear about it from me
and not someone else.
”
“
I
don
’
t know what to say Caz.
When is it due?
”
he said,
suddenly his charming grin was nowhere to be seen.
“
In the summer. Thomas and Bethany
are great, I know the shock has made you forget to
ask
”
. I
couldn
’
t keep the sarcasm
out of my voice.
“
If you let
me have your contact details, I
’
ll make sure someone lets you
know.
”

He scribbled
some numbers and an address on a scrap of paper.
“
Watch what you are doing
Keith
”
. I opened the door,
started the car and drove out of the car park. When I looked back
in the rear view mirror Keith was still standing there, just where
I had left him. It would be over a decade before I laid eyes on him
again.