Somewhere Only We Know ....... (25 page)

The in
between parts were still hard for me. I obsessed over him, wondered
where he was and who he was with all of the time. I hated having
time on my hands because then I would think and if I thought too
much I became needy with him and smothercated him. I could see me
doing it but seemed powerless to stop it. I was changing and if I
didn
’
t stop I would push him
away completely.

So I threw
myself into work. Sasha appeared at work about the same time and
although we had a dodgy start, we soon started seeking each other
out on a lunchtime. I was totally smitten with her, she had so much
going on in her home life, yet managed to keep smiling and
cheerful. She didn
’
t hold
anything back and I loved the fact that she told her daily life
like it was a soap opera. Even if there was nothing going on she
seemed to keep me wanting more. It
wasn
’
t long before we were
ringing each other at home and it seemed a natural progression for
her to join our Friday night club. Scarlett liked her straight
away. Sasha
’
s easy manner
and take on life fitted in with us perfectly and we all quickly
became firm friends with her.

I got Ben
back full time again. I didn
’
t ask what had happened with Emma, I was just pleased he
was with me. Thomas was loving the single life, he was out in the
town every weekend and Ben went with him. More girls, more
insecurity.

He did his
best to reassure me, but I was on a self-destruct mission, what I
didn
’
t know I made up. My
head was always full of images, if his phone went I was full of
doubts, if he didn
‘
t say
where he had been, more doubts. The whole situation was so
unhealthy for me. And it wasn
’
t much fun for him either. Every time we had time together
I would interrogate him, I couldn
’
t stop myself.

When me and
Sasha were having a meal out in our local Indian restaurant, I
wasn
’
t surprised when Ben
came in to collect a takeaway, I was even less surprised when Emma
followed him in. He saw me and waved, Emma glared. As I waved back
Sasha spun around to see who I was waving at, the look on her face
when she turned to face me said it all. She knew.

Ben and Emma
left and Sasha ordered us another bottle of wine.
“
So who is he?
”
she asked.
“
Thomas
’
best
friend
”
, I replied.
“
That might well be, but who is he
to you? You look ill Caroline, no excuses and
don
’
t lie, just tell it how
it is
”
, she
demanded.

By the time
they had cleared all of the tables up in the restaurant, Sasha had
had the full story, blood, guts and all. I gave her a bit of my
history too.
“
I
can
’
t believe this has been
going on for 4 years and you haven
’
t told anyone, Caroline he is legal, he is almost a man and
by what you say it was him who did all the chasing. How can you
have kept all this inside? I tell you everything, not that I am
having a go because you haven
’
t told me, but surely you could have said

something to
Scarlett.
”
“
I
talked about him to Bethany, but felt so guilty I stopped talking
about him.
”

We walked
back to Sasha
’
s and when she
suggested I went in, I followed. I was scared, what if I lost her
friendship over my relationship with Ben. She seemed fine now but
after she had time to think, she would maybe feel
different.

“
So that
lass is the one he runs to when it gets too much for
him?
”
she asked pouring us a
glass of wine in her kitchen.
“
Yes, I feel quite sorry for her, she
hasn
’
t a clue has she. I
know she hates me having anything to do with him at all. But I
don
’
t think she has a clue
what really goes on
”
. I
answered sipping the wine.

“
I
didn
’
t know he was back with
her, that
’
s why I got such a
fright tonight, mind I don
’
t
blame him I have been a complete mess lately, I
haven
’
t liked me so I
couldn
’
t expect him
to.
”
I went on.

“
He
’
s a looker,
you
’
re a lucky
lass
”
, Sasha said with a
faraway look in her eye
“
I
can see what the attraction is
”
.
“
When
it
’
s good
it
’
s good, but when
it
’
s bad
it
’
s rotten,
I
’
m far too old for all this
and I certainly can
’
t
compete with 20 year old lasses.
”
I replied.

I think you
can compete just fine, what you need to do is bring the
relationship out into the open, all this secrecy must be killing
you, fuck what people say, you just have to
live
”
Sasha smiled
“
I
wouldn
’
t mind a toy boy, all
that energy
…
.
”
the sound of my
mobile beeping left Sasha I mid flow.

Ben

No message

“
Aagh well
he still loves me, though no doubt he is back with Emma again. We
just go round and round in circles.
”
I sighed.
“
different this time Caz, you got me to talk to now,
I
’
ll listen,
I
’
m good at it, despite how
much I like to hear the sound of my own voice
”
she laughed.

Later in
bed, I was determined that I wasn
’
t going to slip back into
‘
bit on the side
’
role. Strangely we always got on better when I
wasn
’
t with him full time,
but I deserved more that quick shags and blank texts. And if I felt
myself weakening I had Sasha to kick me up the arse.

The
following days I was in knots, Sasha knew but I had never breathed
a word to Scarlett, she had been my best friend forever and I
couldn
’
t even confide in
her, four years I had been keeping a huge secret from her. I
didn
’
t know where to begin
to tell her, she had asked years earlier and I had denied it. Now I
wish I had just held my hands up then, but I
didn
’
t and I had to tell her
- fast. If she found out Sasha knew and she
didn
’
t then she would fall
out with me good and proper.

I composed
texts to send her only to delete them, that was a cowards way out
and I would be gutted if I had been given news the size I was going
to dole out in a text. I picked the phone up only to put it back
down again. I didn
’
t know
how to do it.

Ben was back
in touch, he had called a few times to pick Thomas up and had come
in to see me. We here back to normal, I was powerless to stop it.
My thinking got to be at least if he was with Emma he
wasn
’
t with anyone else,
better the devil you knew. And I know that he tried too. I used to
wonder who
se
head it would
be worse to be in, mine or his. But at least he had someone keeping
him warm at night.

When
Scarlett rang and asked me if I could pick her up from work, I saw
my opportunity. John usually got her but he was away down the
country at his daughter
’
s
graduation and her car was in the garage. By the time Scarlett
actually got into my car I had myself so wound up that I burst into
tears.

Scarlett was
all concerned thinking something had happened. After I had calmed
myself down I assured her nothing bad had happened it was just me.
I pulled the car away from the pub and concentrating on the road I
blurted it out. More tears followed, but I kept my eyes fixed on
the road. Silence, she said nothing. When we had travelled about
half a mile and she still hadn
’
t said anything, I sneaked a look at her. She was staring
at me.
“
I
’
m sorry,
I
’
m a disgrace, and I’m old
enough to know better
……
God
Karen say something!!!
”
I
cried reverting back into her old name.

“
You
’
re my oldest
friend Caz, I saw Keith almost destroy you, if you think for one
minute I hadn
’
t known what
was going on with Ben then you don
’
t know me very well. I
’
ve waited for you to tell me. And before you say it no
I
’
m not annoyed with you, I
understand you better than you do yourself. I know how private you
are, but I
’
ve watched and
I
’
ve seen you fall in love
with him and him with you. I
’
ve cried myself to sleep thinking what you must be going
through when he is with Emma. I love you Caz and I’ll will defend
you until I have no breath left in my body if Ben is what you want.
If it makes you happy then I
’
m with you. I just can
’
t watch you being miserable
”
.

We were
almost at her house.
“
Thank
you, I love you too, and I
’
m
so sorry I haven
’
t said
anything, especially when you actually asked me,
it
’
s just hard. Not like it
was with Keith, Ben would never hurt me deliberately,
it
’
s just hard,
I
’
m constantly putting
myself up against 20 year olds and
it
’
s
exhausting.
”
I pulled the
car up to the kerb outside Scarlett
’
s house.

Scarlett
opened the car door,
“
look
it
’
s late,
we
’
ll talk, you know where I
am, I
’
m always here for you,
you know that
”
. She leant
across and kissed me and was out of the car and into the house
before I could reply.

And we did
talk. We talked lots and lots and when some time had passed I told
her Sasha knew too. So the three of us would sit around
whoever
’
s turn it was for
the Friday night dining room table and we would try to make some
sort of sense out of the mess I called my life.

When Ben
came back I told him Sash and Scarlett knew. He understood why I
had told them but was under pressure when he saw them, I think he
thought I told tales on him. But telling them had helped and I
wasn
’
t as jumpy or insecure,
in fact me and Ben were doing great. Even Bethany seemed to be ok
this time when Ben was around. I was happier and it made all of the
difference.

Thomas and
Ben were going away on a lad
’
s holiday with some of their old school friends, I was even
ok about that, no huffs or tantrums, and after all it was a rite of
passage. We were good and had decided that once he got back from
his holidays we would be more open about the time we spent
together, give people a chance to get used to seeing us
together.

Summer came
and the boys jetted off on their holiday, Bethany was away staying
with a friend who had gone to university in Birmingham and James
was going on a school trip to do water sports in France. For the
first time in years I was going to be quite alone. A holiday for
myself was out of the question, I needed to renew the car and to be
honest money was really tight, James
’
trip had cost an arm and a leg and I had helped
both Thomas and Ben out with new clothes.

Ben rang and texted all of the time, he
seemed to be having a good time, it was nice to hear that Thomas
was in one piece without hassling him, the feeling that I would
have one of the kids snatched away never quite left me, but at 21
Thomas was too old to have to keep reporting into his mam.