Songwriting Without Boundaries (48 page)

Read Songwriting Without Boundaries Online

Authors: Pat Pattison

Streamers on bicycles ribbons on balloons

dancing on pockets of air

spinning and sailing and landing with ease

when love is everywhere

Rocky and jagged and bitter to taste

bruising and jarring the soul

cursing the life that love would touch

dying the day it goes

Stan’s first four lines have only the candle to engage your senses, as opposed to Andrea, who pulls you in immediately. But when Stan hits line 5, everything starts to crackle, especially “the moon smells of lilacs and fresh-cut grass.” Nice. I love how Andrea wrote opposing quatrains, as positive and negative aspects of falling in love.

Note especially Stan’s rhyme promi
ses
/wi
shes
. The secondary stress
ses
against the weak syllable
shes
lets the idea float off into dreamland. There are good reasons to use less- than-perfect rhymes. They create instability, which is right on target for his piece. Open your ears and learn how and when to use your rhyme types.

Now, you try.

DAY #8

COMMON METER

Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether you complete your final four-line section or not. Use common meter, rhyming only the trimeter lines (xaxa).

Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion

10 minutes: Ballerina

SARAH BRINDELL

Plastic ballerina spins

Inside my jewelry case

Twirling in her little room

Of pink sateen and lace

She dances till the song is gone

Then freezes for a while

Ripped tutu and some chipping paint

Reveal her half-gone smile

This home that once held pearls and gold

Is now an empty shell

And all her ballerina days

Are bidding their farewell

CHANELLE DAVIS

The feel of satin on her skin

It stretches shiny and tight

Rose pink to match her shoes

Sweeping to the light

And there she pauses for a moment

The people simmer down

She twirls and twirls to the orchestra

Her body floats to the ground

Lights bounce off her silky silhouette

A piece of string in the breeze

Twists and turns caught in midair

Moving graceful, free

Both paint lovely pictures. I love Sarah’s music box approach, which could even be a metaphor for lost youth. And check out Chanelle’s metaphor “her silky silhouette/A piece of string in the breeze.” Nice.

Your turn.

5 minutes: 18-Wheeler

SUSAN CATTANEO

A farmer’s tan on his left bicep

His USMC tattoo

Camel smokes in his checkered pocket

He swigs a Mountain Dew

Detroit to San José and back

He keeps those wheels a’rolling

He pushes miles between memories

To keep those ghosts from calling

SARAH BRINDELL

The flick of a lighter, the twitch of a shoulder

A man holds tight to the wheel

The revving motor, the sound of thunder

Brakes let out a squeal

High beams blind your dim-lit path

On this sweaty deserted night

No more wasted freeway drives

Where no sleep warps your sight

Nice sense-bound writing. And I love Susan’s consonance rhyme rolling/calling, which creates a spooky feeling to support the trucker’s flight from his memories. And Sarah’s “no sleep warps your sight.” With this relaxed rhyme scheme, you should be able to finish two quatrains.

Your turn.

DAY #9

COMMON METER

Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion

10 minutes: Ocean Waves

SCARLET KEYS

Salty fingers reach and pull

Bring your tired feet

Bring your hungry lonely fools

Here to walk my beach

They’ll love the way the sun sinks low

And slows the city pace

I’ll send a gentle wind to blow

The curls from her face

Run through my water jump in the waves

Let me salt your skin

Dip her body from her waist

Here’s where love begins

Trace her name in the sandy shore

Draw a heart with a shell

Take her where she’s …

CHANELLE DAVIS

Ocean waves come rushing in

Over the sandy beach

Stop to touch your summer skin

The water licks our feet

Dogs are chasing driftwood sticks

Swimming for the prize

When he’s done he shakes and flicks

There’s water in our eyes

Chocolate ice cream and waffle cones

Cooling on my tongue

Afternoon sun warms my bones

Salt air fills my lungs

Look at the point of view in Scarlet’s piece. It’s as though the waves themselves are talking, and the result is lots of energy. That’s the power of direct address (see chapter ten,
Writing Better Lyrics
). In both Scarlet’s and Chanelle’s poems, the language is very active, which is partially a result of direct address and how it presents the opportunity to give commands with verbs, the amplifiers of language: