Sophie's Dilemma (7 page)

‘‘I think I grew up. Maybe talking to the cod fish helped.’’

Chuckling at his response, she felt his hands wrap hers in a warmth that penetrated clear to her backbone and down to her toes. Leaning closer, she turned her head and rested her cheek on his chest. His breath feathered her bangs. If she looked up, leaned closer, could she kiss his chin? Surely his heart beat in time with hers, not a steady beat but more a race. He released one hand, keeping it caught between them and used his callused fingers to trace a line along her jaw. Ah, the bliss of his touch. So rough like sand but so gentle, as if afraid she might break. The trail of his touch burned like the sear of a flatiron.

‘‘Ahem.’’
Her mother’s voice came from the parlor behind them.

They drew apart to the decorous distance of society’s strictures. Her whole front felt chilled, missing his touch. She sighed, a sigh that came from deep inside. A year seemed an interminable time. Why was there always something or someone to keep her from her dreams?

‘‘I better go.’’

‘‘I know. Ma is giving the signal.’’
But I don’t want you to go
. ‘‘Will I see you tomorrow?’’

‘‘Ja, I will meet you after school for a buggy ride. Haakan said he would loan me theirs.’’ He brushed his fingertips over her cheek again.

‘‘Good night.’’

He left her standing there, still dreaming of a kiss.

Back in the kitchen, Grace took one look at her sister’s face and shook her head. Returning to the book she was reading for school, she ignored Sophie’s pleading look. Fine. If Grace didn’t want to talk about the love of her life, she would not tease her to do so. Sophie flounced up to their bedroom to dream of Hamre.

Sophie woke in the predawn hours, her dream still a living part of her mind—she and Hamre married and riding the train to Seattle. What could she do to change her father’s mind? And her mother’s? The two were always in solid agreement. If she could get Grace to help her, perhaps she would have a better chance. She turned on her side and watched Grace sleep, her twin’s face only a pale form in the dimness. She choked on the pain of the next thought:
I’ll have to leave
Grace behind
.

They’d never been apart—not even visiting overnight at Astrid’s or Rebecca’s. Always where one went, so did the other. Would marriage to Hamre be like her and Grace, so close they knew what the other was thinking, and if one hurt the other felt it? She thought of the time Grace had had such a terrible cough. Her own throat had hurt, and she’d not coughed once.

But Hamre. Warmth puddled in her middle at just the thought of him. So tall and strong, so gentle, the sparkle in his eyes, the set of his chin. The thrill when they touched.
Go back to sleep
, she ordered herself. But when she did, she could feel the rock and sway of the train, feel the warmth of his arm next to hers in the seat. She slept again, feeling his shoulder beneath her cheek.

She woke with a plan.

‘‘Sophie, time to get up,’’ Kaaren called in her normal greeting.

Sophie lay still a moment longer to savor her plan before waking her sister. Surely she could accomplish this. After all, Hamre was male, and according to whispered conversations she’d overheard, all men had the same kinds of urges. She’d even read of them in the Bible, not that she was supposed to understand it. But she hadn’t grown up on a farm for nothing.

She touched Grace’s shoulder and watched her come awake. Her eyes fluttered open, and as always, she turned to smile at Sophie.

‘‘Good morning.’’

‘‘Ja, it is a good morning.’’

Grace narrowed her eyes. ‘‘What?’’

‘‘Nothing. I am just grateful I don’t have to go milk cows every morning. Come on.’’

By the time they were dressed and had brushed their hair, Sophie could hear Ilse and their mother talking in the kitchen but was not able to make out the words. Was it Norwegian? This was a morning like all school mornings, yet it wasn’t. Five days left until Hamre would get back on the westbound train. Five days to convince him to take her along.

She forced herself to pay attention to her schoolwork rather than keep checking the back door to see if he’d arrived yet. When Pastor Solberg dismissed school and she walked out the door, sure enough, there he was sitting in Haakan’s buggy waiting. Her heart leaped, and a smile split her face. ‘‘Tell Ma I’ll be a bit late,’’ she told Grace and headed for the buggy before Grace could reply.

Hamre stepped down to help her in, his hand burning hers. She settled her skirt and smiled at him as he climbed back in the buggy. ‘‘Where are we going?’’

‘‘Where would you like to go?’’ His voice ran deep like the river. Again the puddle in her middle.

‘‘Anywhere, but I have to be home in time to help with supper. You will come for supper again, won’t you?’’

‘‘I’m sorry. I promised to go to Thorliff ’s for supper tonight.’’

‘‘Oh.’’ She let her lower lip pout just enough to attract his attention.

He turned to look at her, his blue eyes growing sad. ‘‘I’m sorry. I . . .’’

‘‘That’s all right. I just want to spend every minute I can with you.’’ She let her eyelashes feather across her cheeks, raising her chin slightly to see if her action had the desired effect.

It did. He looked at her with a smile that encouraged her to tuck her hand through his arm and lean against his strong shoulder. The horse trotted onward, head up, ears flicking, and the buggy’s swaying gave her a good reason to lean against him more firmly.

‘‘Tell me about your fishing trips.’’

‘‘What do you want to know?’’

‘‘What have you seen?’’

‘‘Whales longer than this horse and buggy rise out of the water like gray monsters. You see a puff of mist where they release their air, then their backs arch, and finally the tail fins flip as they let out sounds.’’ He drew the arch with the sweep of one arm.

‘‘Sounds?’’
Oh, I want to see whales, the ocean
.

‘‘Then they go down under water again. We’ve seen gray whales, humpbacks, and killer whales. They’re a striking black and white with a big dorsal fin.’’ He turned to look into her eyes. ‘‘Did you know that whales sing?’’

‘‘Hamre, you’re teasing me.’’ She looked at him from under her lashes and swallowed at the glint in his eyes. Surely her ploy was working.

‘‘No, they really do. Underwater sound travels for great distances, and that is how they communicate.’’

‘‘Well, I never . . .’’ She shook her head. ‘‘Whales . . . what else?’’

‘‘Seals, sea lions, dolphins, grizzly bears along the shores of Alaska, moose, elk, deer, sea otters. You cannot believe all the wildlife up there, not that there is not a lot in Washington too. You will love it there.’’

‘‘I know already.’’ She sighed. ‘‘Such a long time away. What if you find someone else to love?’’

‘‘Do not fear for that.’’ He covered her hand with his other. ‘‘I have waited these years already for you to grow up.’’

‘‘If we could go together now . . .’’ She let the sentence slide ever so gently into silence. She felt his body stiffen next to her. So he thought the same, did he?

‘‘I know . . .’’ He tipped his head to the side to touch hers.

‘‘I think my heart might break right in two if you leave me.’’

‘‘It won’t be that long. You’ll see.’’

She left it at that, only sitting closer so she could feel his leg through her skirt.

‘‘I better get you home, eh?’’

‘‘I guess.’’ She laid her head against his shoulder. ‘‘I miss you when you are not with me.’’ She looked up at him. Her breath caught in her throat when he stopped the buggy. He stroked her jaw with the tips of his fingers, leaning closer. She raised her mouth, and slowly he leaned down. With a sigh, he covered her lips with his, turning at the same time so his other arm circled her waist.

This was not the light peck of the other boys. She’d always drawn away after a brief contact, but this time she melted into his arms and let the kiss linger. As if she had any choice. When he raised his head, he whispered against her lips.

‘‘You are so beautiful.’’

She’d read of a heroine melting into the hero’s arms. Now she knew what that meant. With great effort she straightened and stared into his eyes. ‘‘Oh, Hamre. I never knew a kiss could be like that.’’ Her whisper made him smile.

He nodded and clucked the horse into a homeward-bound trot.

Say something
. Her mouth dried with the wanting.
Take me with
you. Say something
.

He pulled the horse to a stop in front of the Knutson home and stepped down, then handed her down. ‘‘That was nice.’’ He touched the brim of his hat, climbed back in the buggy, and turned to drive back out the lane.

Nice? That was all he could say? Nice? With all her wiles and a kiss that sent her spiraling into space, he left her with a tip of the hat and ‘‘nice’’?

She stamped her foot and stormed into the house, ignoring Grace’s questioning look and stomping up the stairs to throw herself across the bed and let the tears flow. He didn’t really love her after all. The kiss that had sent her into the clouds meant nothing to him or he wouldn’t have left her with ‘‘That was nice.’’ To top it all off, she was no closer to leaving with him.

She fell asleep that night dreaming of a kiss that went on and on.

‘‘Sophie, whatever is wrong?’’ Kaaren laid the back of her hand against her daughter’s forehead. ‘‘No fever, but are you sick?’’

Sick with longing
. ‘‘I didn’t sleep well, that’s all.’’ She knew she had black smudges under her eyes. The mirror had told her so. Oh, to crawl back in bed and pull the covers up to hide her misery.

That evening she watched him come striding across the pasture,
and when they met, he kissed her in spite of her pale cheeks and dark
shadows. While she fought to keep to her resolve to be cool and proper
with him, all she wanted to do was burrow into his chest and rest in
the strength of his arms. A teasing smile was beyond her. This wasn’t
the way she’d planned any of it.

She poured his coffee and helped her mother serve the dessert as Lars and Hamre talked about the changes the mill would make in town and which was better, gasoline engines or old-fashioned steam. But when she walked with him out to the porch as he was leaving, he kissed her again. She knew then he no more wanted to leave her than she him, and he pulled away with great reluctance.

‘‘Oh, Sophie, how will I leave you?’’

‘‘Don’t. Take me with you.’’

He laid a finger on her lips. ‘‘Hush, don’t talk like that.’’ Then he kissed her on the forehead and strode back toward town.

Sophie watched him go, her hands clenched at her sides. ‘‘You cannot leave me, please don’t leave me.’’ When she went into the house, she walked past the others and climbed the stairs, her feet weighing more with each riser. Three more days before her life ended.

She woke in the night, her pillow damp from her tears. ‘‘God, if you hear me at all, could you please let me go with Hamre?’’ She whispered the prayer, grateful for the first time that her sister could not hear her. But when Grace’s hand covered hers lying between them, she knew Grace understood. No longer a game, Sophie sighed and turned over to lay her hand on Grace’s shoulder. Three taps, their signal of thank-you, but this time with a far deeper meaning. No words but a heart-to-heart message between two who had shared one womb.