“It’s simple. Malena, you know how you said you’re going to come onstage dressed like an African queen and talk about healing the ills of slavery by re-creating auctions we don’t have to be ashamed of, and how we should celebrate our history and all of that other good and insightful stuff you talk about? Well, you are a queen, my dear, and should not have to walk onstage. You should be carried onstage by your humble servants, who just so happen to be Don and Ray. And after you say your monologue, they’ll escort you off the stage.”
“Tiara, you’re a genius,” Chancey said, bouncing up and down in her seat, happy to spend more time with Don.
“You’re my girl and you are a genius. I mean, why didn’t we think of that before?” Malena asked.
Tiara reminded them that they had a dress rehearsal the day before the show, and that Don and Ray’s part in the show would allow Malena and Chancey two days to spend at least a little time with them.
“Yeah,” Stephanie joined in. “Chancey, you can help coordinate the intro or something, and the four of you can at least get to do that romantic stuff like gaze into each other’s eyes and whatever else you do when you’re together in public.”
“And who cares if we get in trouble for it, we’re always ‘in trouble’ anyway, just because we’re on line,” Chancey commented.
“Ray agreed to do this?” said Malena, who was shocked that he would.
“Yeah, and so did Don. I can tell they both care about y’all. It’s so sickening.”
“Tiara, you just know that you got it going on, don’t you? Thank you so much,” Malena said.
“Yeah, Tiara, thank you,” Chancey said, and gave her a hug. She was so excited that she bumped into Cajen, who was the only one not caught up in their exciting moment. Cajen was in her own zone. She actually had a pad and pen out, writing something.
“What’s wrong with you?” Chancey asked. “And what are you writing?”
“I’m just working on my to-do list for tomorrow,” Cajen answered.
“Don’t even ask,” Tiara commented. “She’s been in a funk since she picked me up.”
“Excuse me for not being in as good a mood as everybody else. Some people are just not fortunate enough to be chipper all the fucking time—excuse my French!” said Cajen.
“Who rained on your parade?” Stephanie asked.
“Look, I’m not in the mood to discuss anything today. I’ll be fine after I sleep off the funk of this day.”
“Well, looks like you’re gonna be wallowing in funk for a while, because we have a long night ahead of us,” Malena commented.
“Please, don’t let me interrupt our meeting. I think Tiara was in the middle of telling us who she got for the auction,” Cajen said, writing on her notepad.
Her line sisters looked at one another in a state of confusion. Tiara went back to talking about the auction, but her voice lacked excitement.
“I got ten brothers who said that they would do anything to help us out. Let’s see, . . . Ben, Darryl, “Shaky-Shaky Please-take-me” Jason, Brian, Derrick, Tantalizing Tyrone, William “The Womanizer,” David, Allen, and Malcolm. And I know I don’t need to say last names because everybody knows the finest men on campus.”
Cajen almost lost it. If Tiara got Jason, that meant Tiara had to have talked to him. Why is it that everybody can get in touch with him except me? Cajen thought. There is no way that I can see him on that stage. I might forget where I am and try to kill him.
“You didn’t. Tiara, you are extraordinary,” Stephanie complimented her.
“Well, Malena did help out. She knows what to say to the men to make them bite. I have been taking notes from her. To be all committed, that girl flirts her butt off. I just want you ladies to know that I got my eye on Brian and Ben. Anybody else is fair game.”
Everybody was excited except Cajen, who was trying to figure out if she should kill Jason at rehearsal or wait until after the show.
“Cajen, after we finish with this business, you are gonna have to talk to us. I am worried about you,” Malena said.
“I’m fine. I just need to use the phone.”
“Cajen, what’s wrong?” Chancey asked.
“I just need to use the phone.” She couldn’t hold her tears back anymore. She was thinking that if she could just talk to Jason tonight she could settle everything and be okay. She had to release her feelings or she wouldn’t be able to continue functioning.
“Here’s the phone, Cajen. But who are you calling?” Stephanie asked, as she handed her the cordless phone.
“I don’t have to tell y’all everything. Just because we are on line together doesn’t mean that y’all have to know every fucking thing about me and my life. I can choose to keep parts of my life private. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.”
Cajen took the phone and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, while everybody sat in silence looking at one another.
“What the hell is up with her?” Stephanie asked.
Cajen tried to call Jason. His answering machine came on. She let it play all the way through, but couldn’t bring herself to leave a message. She was not going to leave the bathroom until she spoke to him. So she tried again. His frat’s pledges had crossed a week and a half ago, so he wasn’t at a session. “Where are you?” Cajen said so loudly that everybody in the living room could hear.
Outside the bathroom her line sisters were listening.
“What is going on?” Tiara asked.
“Chancey, you two are pretty close. Who does Cajen see?” asked Stephanie.
Chancey shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.” She was as uninformed as everybody else.
“She never mentioned having a boyfriend to us. Did she ever say anything to you?” Stephanie questioned Tiara.
“Nothing,” Tiara answered.
Stephanie was concerned because she knew how much pain holding in secrets caused. She wanted so badly to reach out and help Cajen, but she didn’t know what was going on with her.
Cajen tried the number again. The answering machine came on again. This time she let the machine play, but when it beeped she yelled, “I hate you!” and slammed the phone on the floor. Everybody sat in silence in the next room.
“This is gonna end right now,” Stephanie said. She wasn’t going to sit back and let Cajen scream into God knows who’s ears. Plus, she didn’t want a broken phone. She got up and tried to open the bathroom door, but it was locked. She knocked. “Cajen, open the door.”
She didn’t respond.
“Cajen, I know you’re upset, but I can’t help you if you don’t let me know what’s going on.”
“I can handle it by myself.” She picked up the phone and tried to call Jason again.
“Who are you trying to call?”
“Nobody.”
“Cajen, I don’t know what the fuck that bastard did to you, and I don’t even know who he is, but just let us know and we’ll help you get through this.”
“You can’t help me. There is no help for me.” Cajen was sitting in the bathtub with the phone in her hands and her head leaning against the wall. She couldn’t even cry anymore. She just wanted to sit in the tub and let life continue without her.
“You’re right, Cajen, I can’t help you. Especially when you’re in there, and I’m out here. So I’m gonna let you sit in there. But Cajen, trust me when I say this, life is going to continue whether or not you participate. But if you decide to come out of the bathroom, maybe we can all figure out what we can do—not to change what has happened, but to deal with it.”
Stephanie walked away from the door, and Cajen began to cry because she realized that Stephanie was right. There was no way to change what had happened. She had had no way of knowing Jason was going to give her such an awful disease. She had to let somebody know what he did to her, and if her line sisters decided she was too dirty to be on their line, at least she would be able to stop pledging and try to find Jason so she could give him a piece of her mind.
Stephanie went back to the living room. Cajen’s drama brought out her own heartache over her adoption. She couldn’t fight her tears because she knew that just like Cajen, she too needed to face her secrets. She needed to be woman enough to let the people in the room know she was adopted and just deal with their reaction.
“There is something I want to tell y’all about me that I haven’t told anybody on this campus because I was ashamed of how it would make people look at me,” Stephanie said. Cajen came out of the bathroom, but she didn’t go all the way into the living room.
Stephanie continued. “Patricia and Howard Madison are not my real parents. They adopted me when I was a newborn.”
“But Stephanie, if they adopted you as a newborn and raised you as their own, then they are your parents,” Chancey said. “What’s the big deal?”
“Well, I know who my real mother is. Her name is Helen Brown. She’s a junkie, she lives in crack houses, and she’s really never been a stable person. Her mother kicked her out for being pregnant with me. My parents met her through an adoption service and paid her medical fees and gave her money to keep her comfortable throughout her pregnancy . . . she basically did it for the money.
“That’s deep,” Tiara said, staring at Stephanie in amazement. She couldn’t imagine Stephanie coming from anything that wasn’t filthy rich. She initially felt a moment of satisfaction, then she realized that she and Stephanie shared the pain of abandonment.
“I don’t know what parts of her I am like,” Stephanie continued. “I don’t know if I will one day get the urge to go out and start doing drugs. I don’t know if I will be a good mother to my children. I don’t know anything about myself. I don’t know her, and only God knows who my real father is, or where he is. I don’t know my real roots. My real grandmother died when I was about three, and I never knew her.”
Like the others, Tiara looked at her as if she saw a ghost. She couldn’t believe Stephanie wasn’t Patricia’s real daughter. From the stories Stephanie shared it seemed like they were so much alike, and were extremely close. No one would have ever known if she hadn’t told them. But more than that, Tiara couldn’t believe Stephanie’s birth mother was a drug addict. But as unfortunate as her situation with her real mother was, it didn’t change who she was as a person.
“Stephanie, at least Patricia and Howard adopted you and provided for you in ways that most people can only dream about. Plus, they love you. I understand your pain about your real mother and father, but Stephanie, you are a miracle. Your mother didn’t abort you, you turned out okay, better than okay, and you have a family with enough roots to take care of any that you lost with your real mother.” Tiara went on, “Sometimes I get jealous when you talk about your mother, and your grandmother and your aunts. Stephanie, they are your real family. They are who God put you with. There’s nothing wrong with how you were brought on this earth. As far as I’m concerned, you are a miracle.”
Tiara got on a roll and couldn’t stop. “What if your mother had kept you? What kind of life would you be living right now? I doubt if you’d be in college. You are blessed. And that’s a good thing. There’s no other way to look at it,” Tiara said, then walked over to Stephanie, who stood in front of her coffee table sobbing, and hugged her.
Malena began, “Steph, why would you think we would look at you any differently? I still see a rich, spoiled brat when I look at you.” They laughed.
“But seriously, your personality doesn’t change now that I know about your real mother, and your wealth sure hasn’t changed. Everything about your childhood is the same. I don’t understand what you’re worried about. You are blessed. You should be happy. You should not be ashamed to share your story, because it is a blessing that God gave to you,” Malena said.
“She’s right. Patricia and Howard are that blessing, and they have shared everything they have with you as if you were their own child. To them, you are their child. You are their only child,” Chancey added. “Don’t you get it?”
“I think I do. But for some reason, I always thought that if I told anybody, they would see me as the child of a drug addict, and maybe not accept me. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve been feeling like this all my life,” said Stephanie.
“I see you as the president of this line. I see you as a strong black woman. I’ve admired you from the first day I met you. Nothing can change the impression I have of you,” Chancey said. “I know it’s been hard for you to deal with this, but when I see you tomorrow, I’m not going to say, ‘Hi, Stephanie, daughter of a drug addict.’ I’m gonna see my friend and line sister. And in a few weeks I will say, ‘What’s up, Soror Stephanie?” Chancey said, and joined in on the group hug.
“I know that’s right!” Tiara said, and sat back down. “Squash that pity party attitude, Steph. You got it going on. And all that other stuff . . . that’s in the past. I say leave it there.”
“I love you girls so much. Sometimes I feel like I’ve known all of you for years. Like y’all are the sisters I never had,” Stephanie said. “Now, come back over, Miss Tiara, and join this group hug.”
Stephanie felt such a relief. She felt lighter than she’d felt in years. A burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She was still crying, but they were tears of joy. “I just wish we had our missing link over here with us.”
Everybody looked at Cajen, who had her head buried between her knees. She was weighing adoption versus herpes. There is no comparison, Cajen thought. Stephanie is a miracle, and I will be viewed as a whore.
The group made its way over to where Cajen was sitting on the floor. She looked up, and they had made a circle around her.
Tiara said, “We’re not gonna let you out of this circle until you let us know what the hell is going on with you.”
Cajen closed her eyes and said, “I can’t,” under her breath.
Finally Malena said, “Look, Cajen, we love your little stubborn butt. You’re our little sister. But if you don’t talk to us, I’m gonna be forced to . . . well, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But if somebody is messing over you, we want to make sure it stops.”
Tiara added, “I’m sure this has to do with a man, and I feel personally responsible for seeing to it that no man dogs you and gets away with it.”
“You won’t understand, and there is nothing y’all can do to help me. It’s too late,” Cajen said. Her head was still buried between her knees because she couldn’t face them.