Soundtracks of a Life (15 page)

“I see. Okay, you want to ride Claude? He is in the
stables. You think you still remember how to saddle him?”

“Yeah I think I can handle it. Thanks Robert.”

“Sure you’ll be ok?” he asks worriedly, but I just keep on walking away and just wave him off.

I approach the stable,
trying to avert my eyes, not wishing to look towards the direction of my childhood home. I grab a couple of apples that have fallen to the ground and open the old rusted door leading to the horse stalls. There, standing tall but looking rather bored is Claude, a stunningly beautiful completely white Andalusian horse, the horse my dad gave me when I was a kid. I had named him after my favorite classic composer Debussy. I also thought that calling a horse Claude was very funny at the time.

“Hello Claude,” I say as I run my hands
over his long face. “Do you still remember me?”  I give him one of the apples and he eats it with joy.

“I haven’t been a very good friend to you have I? You deserved better...  I guess none of our lives turned out the way we thought they would. I hope you can forgive me,” I say as I give him the other apple. “Maybe you will still indulge me with a ride?” I open the stable door
, pull him out and start to saddle him. It still seems so natural, like I still do it every day. A warm feeling overwhelms me.

I mount Claude and we head towards the
steep trail up the hill where my parents and sister are buried. The ride only takes a few minutes until we reach the top of the hill. I carefully dismount and kneel down in front of my family’s graves. I run my hands over their names carved on the stones. It’s windy and piercingly cold but in my state of mind I hardly notice. I look up at Claude who looks particularly sad, as if somehow he understands…  I put my head in my hands and copiously start crying. “I miss you all so much. I was hoping the pain was going to subside but it hasn’t. It just hurts so much, you know. Every day. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore. Can you help make it stop? Please make it stop. I want it all to stop, please… just please… help me…” I cry for a while longer until I can’t stand it anymore. I get up, hop back on Claude and ride him hard down the hill at full gallop. As we approach the bottom of the hill I pull hard on the reins to make him stop, he whines in complaint of the sudden command but dutifully obeys slightly going up on his hind legs to make the stop. I jerk on the reins, turn him around Claude loyally responds and we gallop back up the same hill just to ride fast back down again jerking him to a sudden stop when we reach the bottom. I do that one more time, almost asking to be thrown off, but Claude is better to me than I am to him and he doesn’t let me fall.

I dismount at the bottom of the hill and with a swat
of my hand to his hind quarter I send him running back to the stables without me.

Poor Claude, doesn’t he know he can’t stop me? I can fall all on my own.

Chapter 21

“What are you doing sitting here on the porch all alone looking worried, huh?”

Deep in thought, Chris looks up lovingly at his mom. He still experiences relief every time he
sees her here at home recovering and out of danger.

“Oh, nothing
… just thinking.”

“I know you. There is something bugging you. What’s on your mind?” his mom
taking a sit next to him.

“I’m worried about Lorelai. She didn’t want to come here with me and I understand why she is reluctant but something tells me she shouldn’t be alone right now. She seems kind of different since she came back from the tour. I don’t know
I can’t put my finger on it. I just have this weird feeling.”

“Well if you feel you need to be with her right now, you should go get her. And if she still doesn’t want to come here then stay with her there. It’s okay with me you know?”

“But I really want to be with you and everybody here.”

“I know you do, but we’ve done our Christmas now. I’m going to be fine Chris, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be here when you come back later. The worst is over. If you feel you need to go, then go, you have my blessing.”

“Thanks mom,” he says with a tender smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too
son,” she says as she gets up and gives him a tender kiss on his forehead before going back inside the house.

Chris watches as the screen door closes behind his mom and looks do
wn at the package in his hands, Lorelai’s gift to him. He pulls the IPod from its box. It is then that he notices there is a note underneath.

“Dear Chris,

I wrote and recorded this song back in LA that day when we first kissed…

I didn’t want my feelings known then so I asked the studio to keep

the
recording and forget all about it. But now it doesn’t matter anymore

and I thought you should have it, after all it was written for you.

Love,

Lorelai”

Chris puts the headphone on his ears and presses play on only song in the playlist.  As the beautiful melody washes over him, he is overcome with emotions, feeling so deeply in love it almost makes him dizzy. When the song ends he goes back into the house says goodbye to his family, with a big smile on his face. He hops in his car and start driving not being able to wait another minute to see her again.

**************

Susan is quietly watching the chatty interaction of her sister and her nieces while working on a plate of delicious roast turkey.  Ever since her divorce, she spent her Christmases with her sister’s family which suited her just fine. Never having any kids of her own, she lived out her motherly feelings vicariously via her nieces.  Her dad always joined them too which it was nice, she certainly didn’t see him enough so she appreciates having this moment to share with him. One thing of being around her new talent, Lorelai, had definitely taught her was to appreciate her own family more.

Suddenly
, she feels a vibration in her pocket. She discretely pulls out her cell phone and glances down at the number on the caller ID. She immediately notices the reprimanding look on her sister’s face but chooses to ignore it and answer it anyway. She doesn’t recognize the number and can’t imagine who would possibly be calling her on Christmas day.

“Hello?”

“Hi, yes, is this Susan Carmichael?” Susan doesn’t recognize the male voice at the other end.

“Yes this is she.”

“Oh good, yes, I’m glad to finally reach you. Hi, I’m Robert Matthews. I’m the manager of Hathaway Winery. I was told I could reach you on this number, you are Lorelai Hathaway’s manager right?”

“Yes I’m,” she
confirms and can’t help but feel her heart sink a little. This can’t be good.

“Good, sorry to disturb you on Christmas, but I was wondering if you know of someone who could check up on Lorelai? I’m a bit worried about her. See
… she came by the vineyards just a little earlier today, which in itself is very uncommon. She hasn’t been here for years now. She took her horse out to visit her family’s grave. She didn’t look all that well in the first place if you ask me… and afterwards, her horse came back to the stables on its own. I was worried maybe she was hurt or something so I went to look for her but then I saw her car was gone. She loves that horse… it’s strange she would just let him loose like that.  I think someone should check in with her to make sure she’s OK, you know this time of year it is not easy for her… but I don’t know any of her friends which why I’m contacting you.”

Susan’s heart sank even deeper. This is definitely not good. “Yes, indeed that is worrisome. I will have someone check in on her don’t worry. Thank you so much for calling.”

“You’re welcome.”

As soon as she hangs up she dials
Lorelai’s number. The phone just rings and rings. No one picks up. She dials again, but still gets no answer, so she calls James. His number also rings with no answer. She tries him one more time without any luck.

“Dammit.”
She says out loud in frustration.

“What’s wrong?” her sister asks
concerned.

“
I have to go!” She says and her sister looks at her surprised.

“Sorry, I have an emergency.
I need to go to the airport.” Susan says apologetically.

“Oh come on, it’s Christmas Susan, do you really have to leave to go babysit those messed up rock stars of yours?”

“No Sarah, this one is different… trust me, she really needs help and I care about her.”

“
I know…” her sister replies resigned. “Ok girls, say goodbye to Auntie Susan, she needs to go.”

“Awwww” her nieces reply in unison and come to her for a hug.

“I’ll make it up to you guys I promise.” Susan apologizes profusely a few more times as she walks out the door and into her car. Once in the car she tries dialing James again but still no answer. She calls Ted.

“Hello?”

“Ted? Hi it’s Susan, listen are you in San Francisco still?”

“No, I’m in Sacramento with my family, why?”

“Damn. Okay. Well its Lorelai, I’m worried about her.”

“Did you call James? He’s
in the city.”

“I did. Many times but he is not answering, I think they might be having the
ir Christmas party and they’re not hearing the phone ring.”

“Okay, I’ll keep trying to call him. Sorry Susan, I wish I could help but I’m an hour and half away.”

“It’s okay, keep trying James. I’ll keep you posted.”

She hangs up and
thanks God that at least there is no traffic in LA on Christmas day and she is making record time to Van Nuys airport where the company Jet is getting ready for this last minute trip, much to the chagrin of the pilot she imagines...

Once she reaches the parking lot of the airport
she calls Chris. It’s a long shot but she tries anyway.

**************

I make the drive back from the winery in a very short time, speeding all the way back. I honestly didn’t care if I crashed along the way but I wasn’t so lucky. I take the elevator up, and enter my apartment, my mind still racing. I could feel my body bubbling up with all sorts of feelings I just can’t handle.  It is so overwhelming it almost makes me dizzy. 

I
take a sit at the piano and start writing a song
[5]
. In the back of my mind I think to myself maybe this will be my last…

**************

“Chris? It’s Susan.”

“Hi,” Chris answers
surprised, wondering why she was calling him today.

“Listen, are you by any chance in San Francisco?”

“No I was in Santa Barbara with my family, but I’m on my way there now why?”

“Oh good
! How long till you get there? I need you to check on Lorelai, I think she is unwell.” Susan then proceeds to tell him about the phone call she had received just a little earlier.

“I can be there in half hour,” he answers, “twenty if I speed.” he says as he pr
esses the gas a little harder, fear and worry taking a hold of him.

“Okay, but drive carefully please. I’m boarding the plane right now. I’ll be there in an hour and
half or so.”

Chris hangs up and screams to himself, “Fuck. I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

He takes his phone again and dials Lorelai’s number but no one picks up. He tries again and again but she doesn’t pick up. He knows this is not a good sign. He tries to keep his mind from exploring any scenarios of what might be happening. He is too afraid to go there. He takes a deep breath and just concentrates on getting there as fast as he possibly can.

Chapter 22

In a way, I guess I’ve always known my life would get to this point. It was something that seemed to hang over me, always in the background, like a ghost, waiting for its time.  I leave the song I had just finished next to a letter for Chris. They are both my goodbye letters really.

I slowly walk to the living room, a stark contrast to how fast my mind
is racing at the moment. I slide open the glass door to the balcony, a gust of cold air blows in. It’s twilight now the sky has a pretty shade of blue that turns all the way to black on the far end of the sky… I always loved this hour. I feel the cold wind chilling my skin. I hold on to the cool railing and taking a deep breath slowly take the step up and over the railing onto the thin cement ledge that separates my apartment from the nothing of the street below.  Tears run down my eyes and my breathing quickens. I stare at the dizzying height bellow me, a cold sweat of fear runs down my spine. I’m adjusting my feet between the small space available on the other side of the railing, when one of my feet slips. Instinctively I grab the railings firmly with all my strength and watch as one shoe plummets all the way down to the street below. I close my eyes and try to regroup. I focus on breathing for a moment. Slowly, my fear starts to subside until it is all but gone. Amazingly to my utter surprise, I start feeling an immense sense of peace. It is as if my whole body is welling up with it… peace like I had never experienced before. I realize now how tired my whole body and soul were to be living in such turmoil for what seemed like an eternity.

This is it… I think to myself, all I have to do is just let go, surrender myself to this peace and there would be no more… no more pain.

**************

Chris was never so happy to see the highway exit leading into the city. He had driven like a lunatic, 90 miles per hour, since getting Susan’s phone call. He thanked the heavens it was Christmas day otherwise he would had definitely been stopped by the Highway Patrol. Now he could only hope that in spite his efforts he was not too late.

**************

My mind is filled with images of Chris
. It is all I can think of right now. I have flashbacks of our first kiss back in LA, his smile as he shows me the romantic dinner he prepared in my hotel room, us goofing off in the surfboard… My mind is filled with his face, his kisses, his hugs, his love…

I’m going to hurt him so much…

I’m going to hurt them all so much…

I open my tear drenched eyes and take a deep breath. Through the tears I
try to focus on the San Francisco skyline stretching out in front of me. I know I can’t go through with it. I slowly and carefully make my way back over the railing pushing myself back inside the balcony. As soon as my feet touch the stone surface, my knees buckle beneath me and I drop to the floor, trembling and crying.

**************

Chris reaches the main entrance to Lorelai’s apartment building. A single shoe lying on its side on the sidewalk catches his attention. He looks upwards and sees her balcony window open and the curtains wildly blowing out in the wind. His heart starts beating even faster. He jams his finger on the elevator call button multiple times as if that way it would somehow know that it needed to hurry. But the elevator doesn’t care and seems to take an eternity to arrive. Chris considers going by stairs but figures that will just take longer so he impatiently remains waiting. The ride up takes a lifetime but he finally makes it to her door. He is afraid of what he may find inside but that doesn’t slow him down. With the key she had given him a few days earlier he unlocks the door and runs into the living room.

A wave of relief washes over him as he sees her alive and unharmed sitting on the balcony floor. Through her
red teary eyes and swollen face, she looks at him with a mix of shock and surprise. Chris fully understands the situation as she says to him in a thin desperate voice, “I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t do it…”

He would have been too late in the end. 

He takes her in his arms and holds her tight, her body limp against his. She never felt so frail, so breakable.  She lets her head rest against his chest as she fiercely cries all while repeating “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Chris knew she was still in shock from the nightmare of almost ending her life just a few moments earlier.  “It’s alright Lor. It’s over, I’m here,” he consoles and continues to embrace her, his own tears running down his face.

By the time
she finally calms down enough she is so completely drained and weak she can hardly stand. “We don’t have to talk about it now,” Chris says with immense tenderness in his eyes. “Just go lie down and rest a little. I’ll be right here with you.” He notices she only has one of her shoes on. It turns his stomach inside out to think about it. He leads her to bed, sits next to her and waits until she is sound asleep. It only takes a couple of minutes. Returning to the living room, he catches his breath still feeling violently sick from the whole incident. Strewn on the floor, he notices an open box with photo albums and single pictures scattered all across the floor. He kneels down to look at them. They are all pictures from Lorelai’s childhood with her family. Even after all this time they’ve been together, he had hardly ever seen any pictures of her family. He knew that she didn’t like to keep them around, it was too painful. He slowly starts to pick them up and placing them back into the box. He didn’t want them lying around when she woke up. He takes the box to the closet and as he is returning to the living room he sees on top of the piano, a sheet of music with a new song written on it. Next to it is another paper with the lyrics and next to that is an envelope with his name on it. He picks up the envelope and opens, pulling a handwritten letter out.

“Dear Chris

I can only start with saying I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry for so many things, I’m sorry I dragged you into this,

I’m sorry I made you love me, I’m sorry I’m so weak, I’m sorry to give up…

You’ve been a bright light in my life so filled with darkness.

And I know you won’t believe it now but you did save me you know?

In so many ways…

I’m sorry I couldn’t find my way out even though you shined so bright.

I hope you can understand and forgive me one day. Tell the guys and

Susan I’m sorry too. I love you all so much.

I love you so much.

Your Lor, always.”

He never imagined that words could hurt as much as they did right now. It felt like the cold steel of a knife was plunged into his chest. With the letter clutched tightly in his fist he walks over to the fireplace. In anger, he grabs the matches off the mantle, lights one and holds the letter in his hand and watches it burn, singing his skin as it burns completely still in his hand. He never wanted to read those words again… he never wanted anyone to see those words ever. He takes one more look at the song. He considers burning that too, he picks up another match, lights it up but he can’t push himself to do it.

**************

Susan finally arrives at Lorelai’s apartment after an excruciating trip from LA. When her plane landed she called Chris but he didn’t answer. He would have called her if things were fine… the thought brings chills to her spine but by now she figures it’s better to just go there and deal with whatever is in store for her.

She knocks on the door once and then, in her impatience, immediately tries to open the door. To her surprise, the door to the apartment swings open and she sees Chris sitting on the couch looking like he had been to hell and back. Her heart s
kips a beat and for a moment she feels like she might throw up but then he says, “She’s fine.”

Susan takes a deep breath
of relief. “Thank God, why didn’t you call me before?”

“That doesn’t mean we weren’t too late.”

“Oh… is she hurt?”

“No. She tried to kill herself by jumping from the balcony. Considering one of her shoes is downstairs I would say she got pretty damn clos
e to it too.” She notices the words still left a bitter taste in his mouth. “I got here too late… but she didn’t do it.” He continues, “She was sitting on the balcony, crying when I arrived. She’s asleep in her room now. As you can imagine she is a real mess.”

“Oh God... this is the best news and the worst new
s all jumbled into one.” Susan replies not sure exactly how to feel about all that. She takes a seat in the living room and joins him in their mutually shared state of shock.

“Look, mayb
e we are jumping to conclusions.” She says “Maybe it wasn’t so bad…”

“She left a note… a goodbye note.”
Chris cuts Susan off. “I burnt it.” He continued before she could say anything else, the look in his eyes told her to drop the subject. Susan shakes her head in disgust, “well, we have to focus on the fact she didn’t go through with it. She is alive. We’ll help her be fine again.” Chris nods his head and gives her a halfhearted smile.

They sit there in silence for some time until they hear someone at the door. Susan gets up and opens to find Ted and James standing outside the apartment.

“Is everything okay?” James asks immediately worried.

“Yeah, she’s ok, come out of the hallway, we’ll fill you in.”

They both look at her relieved. “Sorry I didn’t answer your many calls Susan,” James says as they walk in. “We were having a party and we never heard the phone. It wasn’t until Ted dropped by that I even knew what was going on. I’m sorry, I feel terrible.”

“It’s okay,” Susan says to them. “Sit down, we better have a talk.”