Spin Doctor (21 page)

“Yes,” I said, immediately trying to analyze how the symbols reflected by the Empress card applied to me. Damn, I was sucked into buying into this tarot gimmick already. I was angry with myself for being so gullible.

“I think we are really looking at home, rather than work, as the core here. While work is related, you will agree that signs really indicate that home and hearth is where we must look for source of your troubled aura.”

“If you say so,” I sighed.

Mala Sonia tapped the horizontally laid card in the center cross. “Card number two indicates where you are now and the immediate influences of your situation on who and where you are. We have here the Page of Cups. Where you are now? Here
is answer,” she said, poking the card more forcefully. “You are a reflective and loyal person, Susan. You like to be of service to others, helping them achieve a specific goal, and you are also a very trustworthy person too. So this is good.”

“This is eerie,” I said, already congratulating myself for embodying the best traits of a therapist, as represented by the Page of Cups. Was I the same way as a wife and mother, I wondered, since that was the sphere we were dealing with? I've tried to raise my children with the goal of becoming good citizens with strong values. I am certainly a loyal wife; infidelity has never once been on my radar screen.

“Ready for third card?” I nodded and Mala Sonia pointed to the Magician, the card placed directly above the inner cross.

“Card number three represents your goal or your destiny, as well as your hopes or fears. Another Major Arcana card, the Magician. A very powerful card. The Magician embodies the positive traits of self-reliance, willpower, and self-confidence, as well as spontaneity and dexterity. But he can also connote trickery and sleight of hand; so you are fearing that perhaps you are in some ways fooling people that you are competent and all-wise and in control, when in fact you are pulling the wool over their eyes.”

She made me begin to wonder whether I was just going through the superficial motions of being a good wife and mother, saving the Magician's positive traits for my clients. Or perhaps I feared I was kidding
them
in some ways too. Coming across to them as the all-powerful, mentally healthy, and emotionally stable one with all the answers, when in fact I am just as dysfunctional as they are. “I'm not sure I understand how these things relate to my
destiny,
” I said to Mala Sonia. I could have kicked myself for getting so quickly caught in her web; she was quite the seductress.

“The way I interpret what cards say, you must use your greatest powers of self-reliance, as well as your gifts of ingenuity and dexterity, to see you through to a resolution. Your self-confidence—also represented by the Magician—will aid you on your journey, as long as you are strong enough to maintain it. The Magician emphasizes change: something new. Imagine him pulling the rabbit out of a hat or lifting up a bright red scarf to reveal a dove. It is ‘Presto! Abra-cadabra!' So part of your destiny is a big and surprising change.”

“You're talking about a big and surprising change on the home front, right?”

“The domestic sphere. Home and hearth. Yes. Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

“So, Susan, now we come to card number four. The card in the fourth position represents the foundation of the situation in your distant past, as well as the way the situation existed in your recent past. This card also represents long-term blocks or influences. Though its effect may still be felt now—in your present life and also perhaps your very near future—its influence is passing and moving out of importance in your life. So we are referring to something that has been a huge part of your home life for several years in a very important way, and which
remains
a major fixture, but which is in the process of transiting out of your life.”

Mala Sonia shook her head dolefully. “This will be very difficult for you to hear, but your fourth card, Major Arcana card Roman numeral three—the Emperor—represents stability; it represents father; it represents husband.”

I allowed Mala Sonia's words to sink in, resuming my analysis of the interpretation as it might pertain to the facts of my life. Okay, maybe I was getting too carried away with all this, be
cause my thoughts were tumbling down, down, down, to a dark and ugly place. The unthinkable pushed its way to the forefront of my mind, until I regurgitated the words like poison.

“Mala Sonia, are you trying to tell me that Eli is having an affair?”

Mala Sonia flinched. “You know I just interpret cards,” she insisted, with trepidation in her voice.

“But is…is what I just said your interpretation?” I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to hear her reply.

“You are an intuitive woman, Susan. You make your living analyzing people's personal situations and interpreting them…as do I.”

Well, that was indirect. Clearly she didn't want to come down on one side or another. Do Gypsy “psychics” ever get sued for malpractice when a prediction or reading turns out to be phony? I do acknowledge, from my own work, that analyzing an issue is like looking through a prism; there are more ways than one to approach and interpret it.

“I tell you a little more about who is the Emperor, Susan. The Emperor, of course, is head of his household. He is enthusiastic; he is creative. He can love fun, which makes him an irresistible man. But he can also act like baby. He can also feel trapped by his responsibilities, which can make him bored and restless, even discontent.”

This too-apt description of Eli was feeding my worst fears. “Let's just get on with the reading,” I said shakily, trying to mask
my anxiety by assuming what I hoped was a clinically curious countenance. Somehow I was sure that Mala Sonia was able to create doubts in my mind and then prey insidiously upon them with the same “radar” that draws sharks to blood. If she sensed weakness, she would undoubtedly exploit it.

Mala Sonia pointed to the card placed just below the center cross. “We are up to card number five, yes? Fifth card signifies recent past events in your life and the forces either for or against you. Whatever card is in this position plays a major role in determining the outcome of the reading.”

“And why is that?”
Curiosity killed the cat, Susan.

“Card represents the core or crux of all the preceding events that pertain to your question. What we have here is first Minor Arcana card in your spread: the Nine of Pentacles. This card too, when we apply it to the sphere of the home, indicates safety, material well-being, and a sheltered environment. In this card we see a woman tending her garden. She is not an adventuress. She is more of a cautious explorer, as well as a nurturer, and through her accomplishments her garden has blossomed. She has been dwelling in comfort and safety.”

“Dwelling in comfort and safety
until now,
you mean,” I interrupted. I felt my body growing tense. “You said this card stands for everything that has preceded my question—which is supposed to have something to do with trouble at home or in my marriage.”

“Yes, you are right,” Mala Sonia said glumly. “Until now. Until now—or up until recent past—everything has been, like the garden, rosy. Now? Not so good, I hate to tell you. Which brings us to the sixth card. This position represents your near future and its influence. This card indicates how you have emerged from your recent past, as well as any new factors that have come into being. Your sixth card is the Two of Pentacles; so what you
have before you—I feel terrible to say to you, but this is what the card indicates—is difficult situations arising, new troubles, embarrassment, worry, and a change which must be faced with equanimity. You will have a lot to juggle up ahead. Including with your financial situation.”

“Are we still talking about my home life here? My marriage?”

“Whole reading is about the same Big Question. We have never changed the subject. What is troubling you so deeply and where is its source? That is question on the table. From looking at your very first card, the Empress, we have concluded that the source is your home and not your job. Your family and not your clients.”

I pointed first to the Nine of Pentacles and then to the Two of Pentacles. “So, let's say we are in fact referring to my marriage. You're telling me that it used to be stable and rosy, but something has happened; Eli—the Emperor, I mean—is bored and restless, and there's a lot of strife and upheaval to be dealt with up ahead, which I can only imagine is somehow related to the discontented Emperor.”

Mala Sonia kept a poker face. “Strife and upheaval is a good way to interpret—but remember your destiny, your Magician card. You will be able to use your strengths of willpower and self-confidence to see you through the upcoming storm.”

Small compensation,
I was thinking; then realized I would probably encourage one of my clients to do the same thing in a parallel situation.

“We have card number seven now. This card has often been interpreted as representing you, the questioner. It helps illuminate also how the near future will evolve for you. The card that comes up in the seventh position reveals the way in which you've responded to the near future and how or in what way your future is evolving.”

I gasped and pointed to the card. “That's
Death!
” Assuming this reading was shaping up to represent a portrait of Eli's infidelity and the resulting fallout, visions of him butchering me in our bed—or the other way around—danced across my brain. God, my head was in one of his lurid comic books. This wasn't pretty.

Mala Sonia held up her hand as if to assuage my darkest fear. “Death is not always what you think it is.”

Yeah, Anna. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,
to paraphrase Freud.

“The Death card—another one from the Major Arcana—can indicate a transformation, a clearing away of the old to make way for the new. So you see, it can mean the end of one thing so that another can begin, bearing in mind that the card also can represent an alteration in your life as you know it; an abrupt change, or loss of financial security.”

Swell. Fuck him. So, we're going to get divorced when all is said and done? Is that what's in my near future? I'll demand alimony and child support, if I have to fight him for it. I'll get the judge to saddle him with the kids' college tuition!

Shit! I was jumping to conclusions; overanalyzing. I was hating myself. This was ridiculous. What was I doing here wasting my time, and Faith's—the innocent witness to all this Gypsy folderol—by listening to Mala Sonia's prattle? I suddenly realized what all this was about. It was Mala Sonia's little joke on me, nasty payback for my nay-saying during her attempts to suck money out of my laundry room therapy clients. She was pissing on my psyche. That's what this was. But I decided to let her finish the reading. We only had three more cards to go.

Mala Sonia rapidly blinked her eyes, and I spied a tear running down her cheek, drawing a fault line through her makeup. “Are you crying?” I asked incredulously.

“No. False eyelash has come unglued. I must fix later.” She peeled it from her lid and placed it on the table, where it lay, curly and inert, morbidly resembling a dead centipede. “We continue, yes?” Mala Sonia said. Funny, she didn't look either as pleased or as malevolent as I had thought she might, since she was giving me such an unpleasant drubbing. “I add something about the Death card, so that you don't feel so bad,” she said to me. “Death card can mean that you must be brought very low before you can be raised up. Think of Our Lord and His resurrection.” At which point she fervently crossed herself—backward.

“Your eighth card is another Minor Arcana card: the Three of Cups. Three of Cups indicates a resolution of a problem, a conclusion. There will be solace and healing, and a compromise will be reached. Number eight position in the ten-card spread refers to the environmental factors regarding your situation, a new turn of events, and the effect of others on you. So we are looking at the Three of Cups to represent new developments or unexpected changes that will alter your course or shed new light on existing situations. Are you with me?” I pursed my lips and nodded. “Good. This particular card also puts a spotlight on friendship among women. So we will see that your friendships with women will both enable you and encourage you to reach a resolution regarding your situation. They may provide you with the solace and healing that you will need to help you get through your difficulties. On this card, three women carry cups that are overflowing with abundance, symbolizing happiness and togetherness. Three of Cups is a card of celebration, of parties and gatherings where the guests or the members of a family come together to celebrate something new. A renewal, even.”

Well, that left the door open for some hope on the horizon. But hadn't Mala Sonia told Alice that she too would experience a resolution to her question during a time of celebration and re
newal? I was beginning to wonder about stock answers. Maybe Mala Sonia really told everyone the same thing, with slight variations on the theme, depending on what the client wanted to know. For Alice, a single woman, it was job and career-related. For the wives and mothers—Amy and me—it was all about hearth and home and husband.

Mala Sonia tapped the next card: the High Priestess. “She is the ninth card, representing your inner emotions and how your surroundings will affect you, and also how you will think and behave in times to come. So, yes, Major Arcana card number two—the High Priestess—symbolizes wisdom and sound judgment. You will be able to handle the problems facing you with serene knowledge and with common sense. If you look closely at the card, you will see that she bears a scroll with the word ‘Tora' on it. While some interpret this word as an anagram for ‘tarot,' for me that is a complicated and silly explanation of its meaning. ‘Tora' is much closer to Jewish ‘torah'—the law—so can be also a Hebrew connection here. This card—ninth one—also describes the questioner. The High Priestess—you at the moment—is a practical person and an analytical one—”

“Well, that's true enough,” I said, despite my recent notion that this reading was born only out of Mala Sonia's desire to prove to me that her tarot interpretations were as valid as psychoanalysis when it came to assessing a troublesome issue presented by the client, and giving that client the tools to handle and overcome it.

Mala Sonia shifted in her chair and adjusted her breasts. Her push-up bra was working overtime. “Now, finally, we come to the last card. This is your outcome: the summation of everything. Once again, we have a Major Arcana card. We have Justice. So the outcome of your situation will seek to achieve balance and harmony, provide everyone with fairness and their
just reward. It can also refer in the more literal sense to a court case and to adjustments in marriage or a partnership.”

“Like divorce court,” I muttered.

“There is always more than one way to interpret anything in life. Am I right?” Mala Sonia didn't wait for an answer. “What the Justice card is also symbolizing is the need for you to balance things out.”

I immediately began to interpret that as the need to find a better balance between my work and my home lives. Did I give more of myself to my clients than I did to my own family? For fifty uninterrupted minutes a week, each client received my undivided attention, while they revealed their most personal secrets and we tackled their most deep-seated neuroses. Did I give the same kind of attention to Ian? To Molly? To Eli? In a word, no. Where at work I had a single focus, at home I considered myself the consummate multitasker. I oversaw homework while I stirred the soup, checked on the chicken, and conversed with my mother over the cordless phone. My family had to content themselves with receiving pieces of me, while my clients were awarded the whole. Ian, model child that he is, once asked plaintively if he had to make an appointment to tell me about the kids who were teasing him at school for being a “faggot” because he wore puffy shirts and makeup in
Les Misérables.
And since Ian is not a complainer by nature, in fact is the relative who presents the least amount of trouble, I should have listened even more closely to what it was he was really saying. No wonder Eli had become remote, Molly's acting out had manifested itself in criminality—if that isn't a cry for attention, what is?—and Ian felt shortchanged.

Maybe this whole reading, were I to take it seriously, was all about my home life suffering because of my disproportionate attention to my career. After a long day's listening to clients, I
wanted to—needed to—chill out and let someone else do the heavy lifting for a few hours, but I lacked that luxury. When I got home, I was still expected to be the caretaker; yet by dinnertime there wasn't much left of me, to be honest. I was fried and my family was stuck receiving second best.

But…this new interpretation of mine didn't seem entirely on the money either, for some reason. Funny, how many people's first instincts always veer toward the worst, rather than the best scenario. Psychologists are not immune from this doomsday behavior.

“You have learned many hard things from the cards. I am sorry to acknowledge that my vision was correct: that something very big was indeed hanging over you. Let me give you a summation of reading,” Mala Sonia said. “In the beginning I told you about Major and Minor Arcana cards in terms of long-term and short-term duration of the situation surrounding the question.” She waved her arms over the cards. “Six Major Arcana cards out of ten suggests to me that situation could be long-term, but,” she said, shrugging her shoulders, “it's close enough to fifty-fifty, so it could really go either way. You don't look too happy, Susan.”

“Well, my future doesn't seem bright enough for me to need shades,” I said, in a feeble attempt at lighthearted humor. “If, as so many of these cards suggest…and I hate myself for even thinking this…but if…let's say you're telling me—the reading does indicate—that Eli is cheating on me…” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I think I want to know something more. I think I want to know who the woman is.”

Mala Sonia grew tight-lipped. “I am not sure you do. Maybe it's not a good thing.
Si khohaimo may patshivalo sar o tshatshimo.
There are lies more believable than the truth.”