Sheriff Simple, sitting right at my side, hissed, “You didn’t tell him?” When I didn’t do more than grab the front of my skull with my hand, he added, “Mother loving Christ, Joe, you didn’t tell him.”
Lord, I’d messed up. “I ah…”
Didn’t have a chance to say more because McCreedy barked out, “Sit down.”
Kabe just stood there, his muscles all tensed up and looking like he wanted to break someone’s neck. I didn’t know what to do. What I wanted was to grab him up and run like the devil were after me. If’n I did that, I’d probably end up wishing it was just the devil on my heels.
“Please, sit.” One of the other Council members spoke up for the first time. Her voice sounded as smooth and polished as a politician—most likely that’s what she was. “As a person under active probation, under Utah law, you are a person in custody.” She pointed a manicured hand at Kabe and then swung that accusing finger over to indicate me. “He is an active duty law enforcement officer. It is a violation of law, at least as to the officer, for the two of you to, well, get it on. Have you?”
Kabe didn’t look at her although he did ease back into his chair. All his anger had followed that finger and focused itself on me. “Define,
getting it on?
” He spoke through clenched teeth.
McCreedy choked up a cough. “One of you gets it up the ass.”
The nastiness of the fed agent almost drowned out Sheriff Simple mumbling into his hand, “Jesus mother loving Christ.”
“Look.” The lady spared a glare for McCreedy. He just made sour face back so she turned her attention back to Kabe. “I really don’t care about what you do in the bedroom. I’m not trying to pry, but there are standards under the law. Have you had sexual intercourse?”
“Council.” I couldn’t help it. I had to stop this train wreck. “I’ve admitted that the highest level of consensual sexual contact has happened between Kabe and I. I mean, I know you need to get the record down, but can we just all agree that it’s happened, and happened more than once, and move on.” I broke down into the closest I’d ever been to pleading. “Just ask Kabe what he thinks about all of it so we can move on to sentencing. Please.”
Kabe’s question cut in over my last few words. “Why are you asking me about what I do with my boyfriend on our own time?”
“Because it is unlawful in the State of Utah for a peace officer to have sex with someone in custody whether it was on or off duty.” She clipped it out like explaining the golden rule to a bunch of miscreant students. “It is considered an inherent abuse of power and coercive in nature.”
Kabe looked like he thought she’d gone out of her mind. “Joe has never done anything against my will.” Rocking back into the chair, his body held all defensive, he added, “Everything I’ve ever done with him has been completely voluntary.”
“It’s not about whether you wanted to or not.” She leaned over the table, the chain supporting a loop with reading glasses strung through, clicking across the surface. “It’s his abuse of his position of authority.”
“Joe’s never pushed anything on me.” Kabe argued with her. “If it’s a crime, nobody’s charged him with anything.”
“Whether or not,” she snapped, “a prosecutor feels he could win a criminal case for sexual battery of a person in custody has nothing to do with whether Deputy Peterson should be administratively disciplined. You consider him your boyfriend?”
“Yeah.” He sassed her back. “When you stay at someone’s house a couple times a week that generally is dating someone.”
Me, I wanted to melt into the chair about then. It hurt enough having to talk about. Listening to this woman grill Kabe tore into my gut like hungry coyote. Left me raw and bleeding and sick to my soul.
“You have sexual relations while you are there?”
“That’s kinda the point.” If he put any more attitude on they’d slap him with contempt.
I could see her effort to keep her own tone in check. “Have you ever had sex while Deputy Peterson was on duty?”
“Do you mean have I cheated on him or did I mess around with him while he was in uniform?” Kabe rolled his shoulders and glared up at the ceiling. “Never mind.” Dropping his head to his shoulder, like she barely merited that amount of attention, he answered. “No we’ve never had sex while he was on duty.”
“I know this is hard and it feels intrusive.” She tried for sympathetic, I’d guess, but it came off rather cold. “Believe me I understand and wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I really have no interest in what other people’s sex lives are like.” She slapped one of the binders. “But, our job here today is to decide whether Deputy Peterson is fit to remain an officer, whether we take his badge; temporarily or permanently. So, do you understand why we’re asking?”
I think it finally dawned on Kabe what this really was all about. “Oh, God. No.”
“No, you don’t understand?”
“No.” He swallowed the word, all that defensive attitude gone. “You can’t take that away from Joe. That’s like the most important thing in his life. You can’t punish Joe for shit I did.” For the first time ever he looked like a scared and lost kid. “I mean, I was the one going after him when we first met. I chased him like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not his fault.”
“What matters is that it happened, not who instigated the relationship.”
“Seriously.” Now Kabe begged like I had. “Don’t do this to him.” It killed me to see him like that. “Joe’s the best thing that ever happened to me. When I first got out, I was just marking time.” He rushed out the words as though the faster he spoke the more they might believe him. “Really. I didn’t care. And with Joe, I’m getting my act together. Real jobs, yeah, it’s seasonal stuff but not more than a few weeks between my last job ending and getting a new one. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have passed my Outdoor Emergency Care courses so I can do the job I’ve got now. He’s helping me study for my full EMT card. He’s the only one who really believes I’m not a total screw up.”
“That’s commendable, but well, with all that, you are in a continuing sexual relationship with Deputy Peterson, is that correct?”
“I’ll break it off.” Kabe wouldn’t look at me. If he had, I’m sure I could have met his gaze. “It’s not fair to punish Joe ‘cause I went after him. I chased him, not the other way around. It was all me. It’s not fair.”
“Whether it’s
fair
is not our call.” She rubbed at her temples like a headache wormed its way into her skull. “All we have to decide is whether his lapse in judgment—who started it doesn’t matter—is sufficiently egregious to require discipline.”
“This is going nowhere,” McCreedy grumbled. Louder he added, “I think we have all the information we need.”
“We are running behind on our calendar.” The Deputy Chief stood. That was our cue to go, although I couldn’t find any strength in my legs so’s I could stand. “We’ll be discussing the matter this afternoon and rendering a decision fairly quickly. You should receive it in one to two weeks. We’ll let you know.” As we walked out of the room he hit me with the biggest of all barbs, “Merry Christmas.”
Kabe stalked from the room, brushing past me with almost enough force to push me into the wall. The way he jammed his arms into the sleeves of his parka and fought with zipping it up, I could tell he weren’t happy. Had to darn near jog to keep up with him as I struggled to get my own coat on. We hit the chill air of outside and went a bit down the sidewalk towards the parking lot when Kabe spun and yelled, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Still tugging up the zipper on my jacket, I skidded to a halt on the icy concrete. “What do you mean?”
“How could you do that to me?” He vibrated, just shook.
Tried to reach for his arm, but he stepped away. “Do what to you?” I wasn’t at all sure what he was going on about. I mean, it hadn’t been pleasant back in the hearing room, but I didn’t do nothing to him.
Sheriff Simple cleared his throat and walked on past us, his gloved hands held up in the air like he asked not to be shot in the crossfire. “I’ll be at the truck.” We both watched him go.
When my boss had gone a ways beyond us, Kabe turned back on me. “How could you put me in that position?” His nostrils flared and his mouth hardened into a thin line.
“I didn’t put you in any position.” I huffed.
“The hell you didn’t!” Kabe spat. He pointed towards the building we’d just left. “You kept me in the dark so I just walked in and got slaughtered by a pack of sharks.” Now he stepped close. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in that much trouble?”
I jammed my hands under my pits and shrugged. “There wasn’t nothing to tell.”
“What?” Kabe almost managed a laugh. “The fact that fucking me could cost you your job is nothing?”
“But it ain’t your problem.” It weren’t his problem. All of it was mine to deal with and nobody else’s.
Kabe reached over and shoved my chest. I skidded back onto the snow covered lawn. “The hell it isn’t!” He yelled loud enough the folks back in the hearing room probably heard him. “Do you know how guilty it makes me feel, how God fucking awful it makes me feel, that I caused this?”
“My choice.” I roared back. “You didn’t cause nothing.”
“Fuck that.” He came at me again. “It takes two to tango.”
I jumped to the side to dodge him and skidded some on the slush. “I decided my life.” Pointed at my chest so’s he’d understand. “I knew what I was getting into when we got together.” Didn’t know why he was all upset over this. “It wasn’t your problem to worry about.”
Kabe started to pace. “Goddamnit, Joe, you’re not the fucking king of everything!” He slammed his fists on the top of a metal bench, maybe three or four times, then whipped his hands out to the side. “You could have at least let me know what the fuck I was walking into.” Pointing back at the building again, Kabe hollered, “Holy shit, I’ve got some bitch asking me how many times we’ve fucked!”
I shrugged again. “I didn’t think it’d come to that.” That I did feel bad about.
“How could you not have thought that it might happen?” The tone in his voice called me a moron and worse things.
Couldn’t quite look at him right then so I stared at the toes of my boots. “I figured I’d just admit to it and that’d keep you out of it.”
“But it didn’t keep me out of it.” Kabe’s face went all sour as he crossed his arms over his chest and cocked his hip to one side. After a moment of chewing on the inside of his cheek he asked, “So, were you lying to me or lying to yourself?”
I was about to deny doing either. Then I realized I had been, if not lying, just avoiding thinking on what really might happen as opposed to what I wished would go down. I swallowed. “I don’t know.”
“Joe, you may act like a hick, but you sure as hell ain’t fucking stupid.” Kabe kicked one of the sorry little trees lining the side of the walk. “You had to know!”
“I didn’t want you to worry. I could do that enough on my own.”
“Who cares?” Kabe shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and started walking, away from my truck and towards the street. “You should have warned me what I’d be walking into.”
I jogged after him. “Where are you going?”
“To catch the bus.” He yelled it over his shoulder.
Couldn’t have heard him right. “What?”
Kabe stopped. He didn’t do more than turn his face to glare at me. “If you think I’m spending three hours in a truck with you right now, you’re fucking nuts.”
I caught up to him. “Get in the truck.” I hissed. “You’re making a big deal outta all this.”
“Fucking right I am!”
“I was just protecting you.” Why couldn’t he understand that? “Didn’t want you to worry.”
“I’m not some fucking child! I’m a goddamn adult!” He got right up into my face to say it. “I don’t need you to protect me from the truth.”
“But, I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
“Guess what…
fail
on that.” He sneered. “You know I’ve been fucked over a lot of times in my life, but shit, most times I at least get a drink beforehand.”
Tried to grab for his shoulders, make him look me square in the eye, but Kabe ducked outta my grasp. “Why won’t you just understand…”
“Know what I understand? I understand that you’re a goddamn asshole. Think you know what’s best for everyone. Go fuck yourself, Joe!” He pushed me away and started walking again. “Get the hell away from me!”
Where the Sam Hill did he think he was gonna go? “How the heck are you planning to get back home?” Three hours of road stood between him and home.
This time Kabe turned, although he kept walking backwards. “The wonders of Greyhound and a Visa Card. Adults, you know, have credit cards so we can deal with shit like not riding home with assholes.” He emphasized the next, “Fuck you!” by pulling his hands outta his pockets and flipping me off.
I started to go after him when a hand on my shoulder stopped me. I jerked around to find the Sheriff standing there. “Joe, let him go.”
“But…” I couldn’t quite find the words I needed to protest so I just pointed on after Kabe.
“He’s rightly pissed off at you.” Sheriff Simple shook his head. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell him what could happen. My wife would have shot me if I’d blindsided her like that.”
“But…” This time the word came out more as a defeat than an objection.
“Get in the truck.” Myron jerked his head towards my vehicle. “Kabe’s a big boy.” He wrapped his arm over my shoulder and steered me in the direction he wanted to go. I kept looking back at Kabe’s disappearing form, not really listening to what my sheriff said. “He’ll find his way home just fine.” Myron patted my arm. “And hopefully cool himself down enough that he doesn’t try and crack your head with a tire iron.”
An avalanche of hot air, overblown ambiance and too-loud patrons letting loose on vacation darn near bowled me over as I opened the door. Wasn’t all that sure I wanted to be here, what with the throw down Kabe and I had the day before. Still didn’t know if that boy’d made it home last night or not. He hadn’t called and he didn’t pick up when I called. Spent most of my day off distracting myself with TV and chores; when the time came on to start out for Brian Head, I let it pass, intending to call and say I weren’t going. After maybe half an hour of staring at my walls, I decided I needed to get out and stop stewing in my own thoughts. So I was late, but I was there.