Spooky Hijinks (7 page)

After we had filled our plates with food and gone back to the table, most everyone was slurping down the lemonade until Elsie spoke up. “Not on an empty stomach. Eat before you drink,” she insisted. Surprisingly, the seniors set their drinks down and ate the nearly burnt hamburgers and hot dogs. I was really full from dinner, but the food looked too good to pass up. I opted for the hot dogs since I didn’t mind mine being on the more done side. I had decided that I’d better not drink anything spiked tonight, as someone had to do the driving.

I helped Elsie clean up, and the men helped move the tables that were pushed together for eating to different areas for card playing. I grumbled, as euchre was one of the games Elsie suggested we play.

“Count me out,” I said. “I’m horrible at that game.”

Jack brought his poker chips to the table. “Sorry, Elsie, but we’re playing poker, a penny a chip.”

“We’re playing for actual money?” I asked.

Andrew pulled out his wallet. “I’m game,” he said, handing a twenty to Jack. “For starters.”

I grimaced as I sat down, waiting while everyone cashed their bills in for chips. Jack, Andrew, Mr. Wilson, and Henry were at one table, while I was stuck at a table with Bill and Marjory Hays, but Eleanor, Elsie, and Bernice sat at another. Since the tables were so close, I was able to hear what my friends were saying. If only Bill and Marjory would not discuss anything that would be labeled
too much information
.

“Have you heard the news, Agnes?” Bill began. I so wanted to bury my head in the sand, expecting the worst, until he continued. “Word around town is that a thief is running amuck in the Tawas area.”

I stared at Bill, interested now. “You don’t say? Whose home was broken into?”

“Well, while Marjory and I were out of town, someone broke in and robbed us.”

Gasps split the air. “Why wasn’t that on the phone tree?” I asked.

“
We’re
not on the phone tree, Agnes,” Eleanor reminded me.

“Oh, right. Why is that, anyway?” I asked. “Seems like Eleanor and I should be part of the senior phone tree, too.”

“Agnes, really?” Eleanor said. “Now is not the time. What was stolen, Bill?”

“All of my guns were taken.”

“But surprisingly, that’s all they seemed interested in,” Marjory said. “They never even touched my jewelry.”

“Who else was robbed?” I asked.

“I’m not all that sure, but I’ve heard five homes have been broken into within the last few weeks, with guns being the target at every one of them.”

“So you didn’t hear it straight from the victims?”

“Oh, no. I overhear cashiers at Neiman’s Family Market talking about it,” Bill explained.

Andrew shuffled the cards. “That’s really worrisome. Missing guns can’t be a good thing.” He stared over at me. “I sure hope the Hill boys weren’t hit, too.”

Bill laughed. “Only a stupid person would rob them, unless they want the entire militia on their trail.”

“I hardly think that Sheriff Peterson would like that,” I said.

“Probably right about that one, but I heard the feds are in on this investigation,” Bill said.

“The ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives), most likely,” I said. “This might just be worth looking into.”

Marjory gave me a crazed look. “You can’t be suggesting you and Eleanor should look into the case? That sounds too dangerous for you girls.”

“Not any more dangerous than murder investigations,” Eleanor said. “Danger isn’t our first names, but we don’t shirk it either.”

“Marjory is right. Stay out of it, Agnes. You have a wedding to plan, remember?” Elsie said.

“A wedding?” Marjory said. “How nice. When?”

“Christmas Day, if we ever find someone to do the ceremony. I haven’t been attending church as regular as I would have liked.”

Andrew’s brow cocked up. “I didn’t know you went to church, Agnes.”

“I ... do, sometimes.”

“My brother would do the ceremony if I asked him,” Marjory said. “Wilfred loves to do unorthodox ceremonies.”

“Well, Christmas Day is an odd day to get married, but we hoped to get permission to have the ceremony at the lighthouse. I’m not sure if that’s possible or not.”

“Loretta Kirkpatrick is in charge of the lighthouse during off-season. All you have to do is ask her. If she gives you any trouble, just tell her you’re my friend. She runs the Sunrise Side Lifelong Learning. You girls really should join. We go on trips and can take classes on a wide array of topics,” Marjory said. “The best part is that many of the members are senior citizens. It’s a great way to meet new people. We’re going on their trip to New York City next year.”

“Thanks, Marjory. I’ll be sure to speak with her about that. Of course, we’ll need flowers and wedding dresses, someone who can whip them up real fast like.”

“And someone who might have something to fit Eleanor,” Dorothy Alton said from the door. “Sorry we’re late.”

“I can rustle up some food,” Elsie suggested.

“No, thanks. We were just at Augie’s on the Bay. Hello there, Agnes and company. They were just at Augie’s, too.”

I patted my stomach. “And I can hardly move now, since I couldn’t resist Jack’s hot dogs. He knows just how to cook them,” I said.

“Thanks, Agnes. At least someone has appreciation for all the trouble it took me to cook,” Jack said, giving Elsie a strange look that I’m sure meant, ‘See, what did I tell you?’

“I never said that I didn’t appreciate it,” Elsie said. “I just said the meat was a little on the done side.”

“I loved burnt hotdogs. It takes me back to my childhood, when my dad would cook them just like that,” I said.

Eleanor moved to my table so that Dorothy and Frank could sit down with Bernice, who gave me quite the evil eye in a nice way. “Bill was just telling us how there’s been break-ins in the Tawas area.” I took a sip of the lemonade and set it down in a hurry when it burned a trail down my throat. “Elsie, can I get a Diet Coke? I’m the designated driver tonight.”

“Sure thing,” she said as she disappeared into the kitchen, coming back with a can that she set down.

“They’ve been stealing guns,” I informed Dorothy.

“Thanks for the tip, but Frank doesn’t have any guns.”

“She made me give them to our granddaughter for safekeeping,” Frank blubbered, and pointed at Dorothy accusingly. “This one thinks I might shoot her or something.”

“Oh, Frank, that’s not true. I don’t think that at all, but guns are dangerous at our age. Don’t you remember shooting a hole through the roof that one time?”

“That was an accident. How many times do I have to tell you that, woman?”

“I’m not sorry that I sent the guns over to Sally’s. You’re just not as swift as you once were.”

“None of us are,” I added with a laugh.

“Have some lemonade,” Elsie said. “And take it easy. What’s done is done.”

“I know, but you don’t see me taking away Dorothy’s kitchen knives after she cut the tip of her finger off, do you?”

Dorothy held up a finger that was bandaged—her middle finger, which she pointed at Frank, who glowered at her even more now.

“Behave yourselves now. We’re here to play cards, not argue amongst ourselves. We need to be on the lookout for anyone new to the area, just in case they might be up to no good,” I insisted.

“Elsie’s nephew Cliff is new in town,” Dorothy announced, and then hung her head.

“Cliff would have to put down the video games first,” Elsie said with a laugh.

“Anyone else that we know of, besides Cliff, who’s new to town?” I asked.

When nobody answered, I said, “I’d sure like to meet your nephew, Elsie, and soon.”

“I can arrange it if you like, but I doubt he’s connected to stealing anything.”

“Didn’t you say he just showed up out of the blue, and that you don’t even know him?”

“Yes, but—”

“Are you sure he’s
really
your nephew?”

“Sure, he is. He has the same bug eyes that my brother Hugh has.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to pry.”

“That’s a laugh,” Andrew said. “Why is it that everyone in small towns is so quick to pin a crime on a newcomer, when it’s quite feasible that it might just be a longtime resident responsible for the break-ins? Guns are often a target with crooks. Why, they can easily sell them at gun shows, or on Craigslist for that matter.”

“I can’t imagine anyone I know doing such a thing,” Marjory said.

“Neither can I, but I’ll figure out something. I’ll head down to the sheriff’s department tomorrow to see what he has to say about all this.”

Andrew laughed. “Good luck with that, Agnes, but no sense in trying to dissuade you from your investigative ways.”

“I guess not,” Bernice said. “Agnes isn’t about to change her ways any time soon.”

“Enough of the chatter,” Jack choked out. “It’s time to play poker.”

At our table Bill shuffled the cards, his tongue showing as he dealt us each five. When I picked mine up, I could see that poker wasn’t a much better game for me than euchre, since I had nothing worth even asking for more cards.

After about five rounds, Eleanor had most of the chips from our table in front of her. “I guess today’s my lucky day.”

“Good going,” Mr. Wilson said, from his table. “Me, too.”

“I need to stretch,” I finally announced. “I just hate to lose any more of Andrew’s money.”

“Not to worry,” Andrew said. “I have plenty of chips left.”

I got up just as lights blasted through the curtains. I opened the door, hoping that is was Martha returning, but instead, two gunmen brandishing shotguns raced toward me. I screamed, rushing back away from the door, and once the men were through the doorway, they popped off a shot into the air. Everyone hit the deck, but Mr. Wilson wobbled up and grabbed his walker, moving toward the gunman. “What’s going on here? I had a royal flush.”

“Sit down, Mr. Wilson,” Eleanor cried, her hands over the back of her head.

“You better listen to the fat one over there,” a man’s gruff voice said.

“How dare you call my future wife fat!” Mr. Wilson raised a bony fist, shaking it in the air. “I oughta show you who’s boss.”

“Robbing an occupied dwelling is a serious offense,” I volunteered.

“Keep your gun trained on them,” one of the robbers, a skinnier one, said, “While I search for the guns.”

“Don’t you dare,” Jack Winston said as he tried to move to his feet.

“Get back down, Dad,” Henry called out.

“Hey, isn’t that Henry Winston, the author?” the other gunman said. “I seen the article of him in the Iosco County Press.”

“Yeah, but we’re only here for the guns.”

“Yes, but I bet he’s carrying cash. Hand over your wallet, you author, or your old man gets a slug in his gut.”

“You bastard,” Jack spat out. “If I get my hands on you, I’ll throttle you. Nobody steals from my son. Why don’t you get a j-o-b?”

“This works so much better,” the robber said.

We watched helplessly as Henry tossed over his wallet, while the other gunman kept his gun on them. Once he had the wallet, he went straight over to the gun case.

“Whatever you do, don’t you dare take my M1 .30 Carbine. That’s my father’s rifle from the Korean War, and it has sentimental value,” Jack said.

“Thanks, that’s the first gun I’m taking,” one of the robbers said.

We were all huddled on the floor as I hit 9-1-1. These fools had never even thought about asking for our cellphones, but I figured that they simply thought us senior citizens were too dense to be up to date with modern technology.
So
not the case.

“Please, take the guns and leave,” I shouted, hoping that the 9-1-1 operator would at least hear me.

The one robber gathered as many rifles as he could, carrying them out the door, but within minutes, bubble lights appeared from the cop cars that tore into the drive.

The robbers dropped the guns and ran out the back, no doubt heading for the woods that bordered the property. I breathed a sigh of relief when Sheriff Peterson and Trooper Sales came through the door, with their guns at the ready.

“Two men ran out the back,” I shouted, trying my best to get off the floor, until Andrew raced over and helped me up.

Trooper Sales called for a canine unit, and asked, “Are you all okay?”

“Y-Yes, but there were two men here, intent on taking Jack’s guns.”

“Did you get a good look at them?” Sheriff Peterson asked.

I shook my head. “No, they wore ski masks.”

“One of them was tall and thin, and the other was a bigger man,” Mr. Wilson said. “If you hadn’t gotten here when you did, I was about to give them a pounding for insulting my Eleanor.”

“They took Henry Winston’s wallet,” I said. “That’s all we can tell you. I heard there were some robberies in town, but I had no idea someone would be bold enough to show up at a house full of people and rob them at gunpoint.”

“That’s pretty bold,” Trooper Sales agreed, going out the door with Sheriff Peterson, on the trail of the robbers. Soon, more trucks rolled into the drive, and the sound of barking dogs could be heard. We were herded into the back bedroom so the dogs could get a good scent, and off they went, noted by the barking outside now.

I sighed. Now it would be even harder to question the sheriff. It would have to wait until he was done with their search for the perps now.

We staggered out of the bedroom and cashed in our chips just as Martha strolled in the door with a young man, whom I assumed was Cliff.

“Can’t you old folks have a card party without the cops showing up?” Martha asked with a wink.

“Very funny, but we were robbed at gunpoint, if you need to know,” I said.

“We’ll be taking the guns with us,” a deputy pointed out. “They’ll have to be checked for fingerprints and used for evidence.”

“The hell you will,” Jack Winston said. “They never even got away with the guns.”

“You’ll have to talk it over with the sheriff,” the deputy said.

Martha smiled at the deputy, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “He’s right. Can’t you see the deputy is just trying to do his job, Jack?” She walked toward him now. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around Tawas,” she purred. “What’s your name?” she asked, immune to the fact that he was so much younger than her.