He was starting to see it in her eyes, that serene expression that said she was there, willing, but she was really taking a mental vacation and leaving the bank vault open for a heist. He was beginning to see it for what it was. Whatever he wanted, whatever he wished. She thought she was being a good submissive.
She was a dangerous submissive.
Dangerous because she left her power for any man to just grab when she gave up. Giving in meant she was facing what was happening head-on. Giving in meant she was taking responsibility and allowing it to happen, instead of looking away. Giving in meant she had a voice if she wished to deny the exchange of power.
Giving up meant the power was there to steal with no negotiation involved.
So when she left him tomorrow, she’d go back to the club, she’d find another Dom, one who would like her give-up attitude. One that might take her too far, because Jake knew she’d be hurting, and she’d refuse to come to him to ease that pain. And if she could take Chase to dangerous places, what was to stop her from giving up when the next man came and placed his hands around her throat?
“Jake?”
He looked up.
Tia stood in the aisle, a plate of something in her hands. How brave of her to face him instead of hiding in the kitchen, but he knew her too well. She’d patch things up and run again later.
“I have a peace offering.”
“Honey, I don’t need a peace offering. I’m not angry. I don’t hang onto my anger like Chase does. Or even Kate. I blow, toss some stuff around, and then go back to being me. But I’ll accept whatever, because I’m hungry and I’m sorry I yelled.”
“I’m sorry, too.” She drew near and held out the plate. Chocolate chip cookies greeted him, still warm from the oven. He took one and savored the sweetness on his tongue, touched that she’d baked for him, because he might be mad.
“So tonight,” he said between mouthfuls of cookie. He’d been thinking about this for a bit as he scrubbed dirty leather, and he had no clue as to how to bring this up to her. He wanted her to learn something from tonight. To grow a bit, so that way when she left him tomorrow, maybe she’d go on and be safe. Sane. He couldn’t bear to see her hurt. Definitely not under some other man’s hand, when all he wanted was for her to stay with him. “I want you to pick the role.”
“Me? Why?”
“Because it’s your turn.”
Her brown eyes grew round and, in a lesser woman, they would have held fear. “That’s
not
what we do.”
And with that, she started running again. He could see the little people that lived in her mind building walls, scurrying behind them, battening down the hatches. So afraid to let him in.
It killed him she’d still feel the need to run, to hide, and that he made her do that. It had to stop. “It’s what we will do tonight. You have to pick. You plan the role, the fantasy, and I’ll carry it out to your heart’s desire. Do you have any idea what you want?”
The man was insane. Tia stared at him, ready to drop the cookies on the ground and hit the road running. Yes, she knew what she wanted, but she was terrified. It didn’t help that he’d just been grumping at her under his tree, informing her she just gave up all the time. She didn’t understand. Didn’t agree.
More importantly, she failed to see what signs she was giving out that made him draw those conclusions. And the idea of telling him what she wanted, what she needed, terrified her as much as the idea of being married had scared her.
But the wedding vows had eased the pain, had made it easier for a short time. Their bondage play last night had been hard, intense, and very painful, but in the end, she’d never felt more sated or free. Would telling him her darkest fantasy make loving him easier or harder? Definitely harder. So why was she even considering it? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“Tia?”
God help her for jumping into the pool with the shark, with her hands tied behind her back. She could only swim so far, and shore was a hell of a long way away. “Yes, I know what I want.”
“What?”
“I want to submit to you, completely. I want you to own me, completely. I’ve never done that before.”
“No, you haven’t.” He stared down at her with a nameless expression, took the cookies from her hand, and laid the plate on the table he’d set up to clean his tack. “But I don’t think you understand what’s involved in submitting completely.”
“What do you mean? Of course I do.” But did she? She’d avoided doing so for years. She wasn’t stupid. She knew she withheld a part of her soul during sex, because if she didn’t, her heart would be lost. Funny how it didn’t work with him. Even with her holding out, he still won the prize on the silver platter. Soul or no soul.
“If you want this, you have to come to me as Sarah.”
She inhaled sharply and glared, though inside she felt an inch tall. “What the hell? I’m not playing some sick role for you. I can’t go there.”
“I don’t want you to play a role. I don’t want you to go back to being the girl that was taken advantage of by her mother’s sick boyfriend.” Jake ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I want… I want you to drop the tough girl act and make love to me. With me.”
“It’s not an act.” Shit, he knew too much. She’d been made. Big-time. “I have to be tough. I have a tough job, you know.”
“And this isn’t work. Stop pretending whatever it is you pretend when you’re with me, because except for a short time on Friday, you’ve played a role the entire time. Probably your entire life. I want the woman who showed up at our wedding to come and make love to me. That woman would take the chance and submit to me. She took a chance at our wedding. And if she hadn’t snooped in my bag and room, she’d still be here.”
“You’re crazy.” Oh, he was anything but. Her heart pounded at his words.
“Are you sure I’m crazy? I’ve seen glimpses of a softer, more submissive you. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re willing to exchange the power with me. You’re willing to accept the pleasure I can give you. You’re almost there. You orgasm now, with me, because you’re starting to make that step toward letting me have control. Give in, and I promise you, you’ll get your darkest fantasy.”
“I don’t know.” But she did. Insane Jake wasn’t so insane.
“Then you think about it. You let me know. But don’t wait too long, because you keep telling me we only have tonight.”
“Yes. And you know exactly why.” Damn it, she wasn’t stupid for ending this.
“Then don’t wait.”
****
Later that afternoon, Tia came to him as he read outside by his tree. She sank to her knees, head bowed, hands on her thighs. She waited for him to acknowledge her, as if she were afraid to disturb him. Just like a good submissive. He made her wait, rereading a passage. Unlike a good Dom, he had no clue what to say to her. No punishment, no guidance, no lesson. All he could think about was her, in his arms, loving him.
He placed the sticky note he used for a bookmark in his book and set it down. “Well?”
She raised her head but didn’t meet his gaze directly. Instead, she stared out at the horses in their pasture. “I have a question first, before I commit to anything.”
“Okay.”
Now she chose to look at him, a little unsure. “What makes you think I give up?”
He arched a brow. “What do you think?”
“I’m asking
you
. If I knew, I wouldn’t have come out here.” Her glare was so cute, and he wanted to chuckle at pissing her off. He loved her too much to be offended.
“You have the answers.” He picked up his book again, and she made the strangling noise that Kate usually made. He slammed it down. “Jesus, what’s up with that noise? Is that hard-wired into estrogen or what?”
“It means I want to kill you.”
“Do your best, then. The line starts way over there.” He picked up the book.
She shifted on the blanket, but didn’t move to kill him or leave.
He opened to the sticky note and waited, pretending to read.
“I just want to make you happy,” she finally offered. A lie. A really good one, though. It meant she wasn’t digging very hard.
He decided to push her gently in the right direction, closer to the truth. But he kept up the act of pretend reading, just so he didn’t scare her off. “You give up so I’ll leave you alone and be satisfied with what I have. I want more. I bet you do, too.”
“It hurts too much to give you more.”
He almost didn’t hear her say it, her voice was so low. Soft. He looked up then, pleased she’d found the right path. She picked at a clump of grass by her foot, avoiding eye contact.
“And you call yourself a masochist?”
That got her attention. Her head snapped up, her brown gaze boring into his. “I told you, there are limits.”
He nodded. Time to shove harder. “Did you ever stop to think that the pain would be easier to handle if you just faced it? Gave in and allowed it to happen? Maybe the pain would change to something else?”
“Like what.”
“Love.”
That hit her full force. Her eyes flew open wide, and she scrambled up from the blanket like he’d chucked a bucket of ice water at her. “That’s a very, very bad word.”
“Really? Funny, Chase says a lot of bad words, but he never seemed to treat love like it was that bad. Of course, I don’t have quite the vocabulary he does.”
Those eyes, so wide, so brown and conflicted as she sorted things out. He could lose himself in the almond shape, the depth of intelligence.
She sniffed. “Well, I’m not going to love him, so no threat there.”
Time to give one last shove. “What about me? Maybe you’d love me.”
She swallowed, hard, and lifted her chin a notch. Panic flared in the eyes he loved so much, and he could just see those little people in her mind again, scurrying about, hiding anything to do with her feelings. Protecting what they could of her heart before he fancied a glimpse of her true self.
“I’m not going to love you, either.”
Of course, she wasn’t going to admit to it. What an ass for hoping. But he was a pro at reading between the lines, through chinks in the armor. Chase was his best friend, and the man owned more armor than Tia ever dreamed of owning. And that skill led him to see directly into the cracks, straight to Tia’s heart. She felt a hell of a lot more for him than she was willing to admit. Maybe she already loved him. It didn’t matter. He’d make her see things his way. He was as stubborn as he was impulsive.
“Any other questions? Or can I take what little dignity I have left back to the land of this book?” He gestured to his reading material.
“I’m done.”
He opened his book, refusing to look at her as he asked softly, “Will you submit to me?”
“Yes. But I won’t love you.” She sounded spiteful, and he wanted to laugh. She made loving him sound like something akin to eating lima beans. Maybe it was.
“That’s your choice.” He shrugged and turned the page. He did glance up, though. “I just want you to face me, for once, without feeling the need to be something or someone else. I want to take the power you offer and, in return, give you the sweetest pleasure. Don’t you think that will be a perfect way to end our weekend?”
She hesitated, and right there was what he wanted to see in her eyes. Longing. And yeah, love. “Yes.”
But as she walked away, Jake knew something for certain. She already loved him. It was just a matter of getting her to give in and acknowledge it.
Chapter Fifteen
Tia stared out a window at the big tree with the tire swing, wishing it had some divine advice. She had no idea how to put words to what Jake wanted her to do, because the pain seemed to quickly outgrow the cell she’d build for it. It flooded out, along the pathway in her mind, seeped into her body. Everything seemed to ache, to hurt, and she couldn’t possibly see how giving in would make the pain be any less.
First things first, she finished his hat. She pulled the yarn through the last loop and sewed it closed, tucking in any stray ends, making it perfect for him. If anything, he’d have his hat to remind him of her. She’d have the purse he bought for her.
Tomorrow, she’d kiss him goodbye, and that would be that. She’d grow a set of balls and get Chase to give her a new partner, because she wasn’t stupid. Jake had two faults—he was impulsive and he was stubborn. He would chase her as hard as she ran.
Or better yet, she could go to Europe, take the assignment her old job had offered as an ante up, trying to get her to stay instead of jump over to Chase’s ship. Easy work, a solid identity, a chance for stability. The government knew what she wanted better than she did.
That wasn’t true
. Jake seemed to sense exactly what she wanted, and that was dangerous, because what she wanted and what she could live with were two different things. Sure, she wanted cake every day. But who could live with the calories. And Jake was cake. Delicious, sinful, decadent cake that would come back to ruin her life. If she could trust him…no. It wasn’t possible.
She picked up the phone and made other plans. Her old boss, Christian Martin, was thrilled to have her back, enough to offer a pay raise and a sweeter European job. It hurt to say yes, but she did it.
The phone call made, the hat done, she went upstairs and began to make preparations. She showered, shaved everything, did her hair, washed it again when she didn’t like how it looked with gel, washed off the makeup twice and decided to go natural. She’d just sweat it off, anyway. The nightgown was clean, sparkling white, daring her to drop the tough girl act and embrace the sweetness of what Jake wanted from her. She slipped it over her head, trembling as she buttoned the four white buttons at the throat.
Once, she had thought that submitting entirely would mean hardcore kink. Whips, chains, clamps, plugs, ball gags, and canes. But she’d done kink and still wasn’t any closer to giving Jake her soul. The closest she had ever come was during wedding night sex, during stupid, boring missionary position. Who would have thought it?
But then she wondered if it made a difference. If she gave in on her back vanilla-style, would it be any different if she gave in on her knees, with a plug up her ass, her hands wrapped in black bondage tape? She had a sinking suspicion the answer was, probably not.