Star Wars on Trial (57 page)

THE COURTROOM

DROID JUDGE: Mr. Brin, your witness.

DAVID BRIN: I thank Bill Spangler for citing references to some of the Star Wars books. I expected other Defense witnesses to mention these, since I do know that many skilled authors have poured their hearts into the tie-in novels. In some of them, strenuous efforts have been made to compensate for plot flaws in the movies themselves. Certainly there are strong female characters in several.

Still, as long as we are on the topic of Princess Leia, exactly what are we to make of one of the biggest of the Big Five broken promises of the entire series?

In The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda and Obi-Wan look woefully at the departing Luke, both of them certain that his rebellious action will result in disaster. (It doesn't.)

"There goes our last hope," says the ghost of Obi-Wan.

"No," answers the oven mitt. "There is another."

That statement-so filled with dramatic portent-promised a big payoff. When we learned that the "other" was Leia, that was just fine! Our appetites were whetted for her to do something marvelous! Only then...

... Do you feel that there was a payoff worthy of this clue?

BILL SPANGLER: Leia definitely displays herJedi powers in Return of the Jedi. Did you see the hairdo she was wearing at the Ewok camp?

DROID JUDGE: (noisily clears throat) Mr. Spangler....

BILL SPANGLER: Oh. You want a serious answer. Okay.... I don't think that Leia could've suddenly manifested powers in Return equal to or greater than Luke's. That would've been a deus ex machina. And I don't think she could've confronted Vader directly. As Luke says in the film, the Rebels couldn't risk giving Vader the chance to kill the two remaining Jedi directly. (He doesn't say that bluntly, but I think I'm paraphrasing him accurately.) Leia does do things, however, that I think can be considered signs of her Jedi skills. Three immediately come to mind: her strangling Jabba; her receiving Luke's call for help in The Empire Strikes Back and her saying in Return that she has memories of her real mother.

Also, as I understand it, one of the subplots in Dark Nest-the newest SW trilogy from Del Rey-is Leia receiving some formal Jedi training. It's long overdue, but it hasn't been forgotten.

HE ARE TWO MAIN PROBLEMS with the Star Wars films, which in turn lead to a more general problem with movies. The two problems specific to the films are as follows:

1. Each episode subsequent to Episode IV renders the previous films increasingly nonsensical.

2. Episodes I through III make episodes IV through VI entirely incoherent.

Since the six films and the endless ancillary products have made billions of dollars, this has led to the third, more general problem:

3. Science fiction and fantasy films are unbearably stupid. Indeed, going to see a science fiction or fantasy movie these days is not dissimilar to attending an extended performance art piece which involves several gorgeous people, all in wonderful if somewhat tasteless costume, wheeling a wheelbarrow full of raw, rancid bacon onto a stage. Handed pitchforks by sequinedspangled assistants, the costumed beauties grab hold tighlty of the handles, stick the spears of the forks into the wheelbarrow, and then fling the rancid bacon at the audience, all while screaming, "Eat it! Eat it, you stupid pigs! You morons love it!" The audience leaps to action, scrambling along the aisles and trying to grab up and shove as much of the foul bacon into their fat mouths as they can, stopping only to look up at the performers, point to their stuffed cheeks and mumble through tangles and blobs of rancid meat, "Yuth yuth ah fuff ith!" The stars sneer and howl, "That's right, you jowly bastards, gobble it up, and crap yourselves in glee!" When the meat runs out, the show is over.