Starless Nights (Hale Brothers Series Book 2) (12 page)

My eyes catch on Ali’s ring. Did Leila ever save the ones that I made for her? Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t. Either way, they most likely would have been in that box that burned in the fire.

Looking out over the water, I can’t help but wonder if she dreamed of a happily ever after with me. I know that I sure did, even after she moved, and as much as I hate to admit it, I still do.

Even though we haven't been together for years, I never saw myself with anyone else. The thought or the possibility that it might be someone who was not her is nonexistent, and the thought that she might marry someone who’s not me, I’m internally shocked. I shouldn’t be, but I am.

“So does this mean you’re going to be my sister?” Everyone looks at Matt. His expression is one of hope and happiness.

“Yes, it does,” Ali says to him.

Matt grins, his hair flops over his eyes, and he jumps at them landing on Drew’s lap between the middle of them. He’s hugging them both so tight, my heart clenches. Matt is completely unaffectionate. Other than a passing welcome hug here and there. I’ve never seen him like this before. I hear Mom sniff next to me.

The three of them stand up and I make my way over to hug them both. I can’t possibly be any happier for them than I am at this moment, but that happiness is diluted with the sadness that is consuming me.

Have I been living in such a haze all this time that I've completely lost touch with reality?

Glancing at Leila, I have to walk away from this, from them, from her. My chest has constricted, I can’t breathe, and my eyes burn with unshed tears. I don’t care if Drew or Ali see me cry, but there is no way I will ever let Leila see me like this. This is a crushing, debilitating pain that is suffocating me.

She didn’t choose me, she’s never really chosen me, and she isn’t going to. Ever.

I don’t even know what I have been hanging on to. We are completely different people and we have been for a long time. The thought of her ultimately building a life with someone that isn’t me smothers me with pain. I’ve never wanted anyone but her. Only her. Now I feel even more alone and vulnerable.

Why didn’t I realize this sooner? Boy do I feel like I have just been smacked with the biggest wake up call. All these years and all this time, what have I been waiting for? Everyone is moving on with their life but me. Drew is getting married, Leila has a boyfriend, Mom seems happy, and Matt is finally starting to talk and socialize a little more. I guess it’s my turn.

Maybe I shouldn’t have come to New York. Oh well, too late now. Fall classes are paid for. Come January, I think it’ll finally be time for me to join the professional tour. Most pro tennis players don’t even go to college. They start competing right after high school. In February, I can enter into the National Indoor Tournament and in March, the Sony Open. It will get me on the road and on with my life.

BEAU STUCK TO himself this weekend. He hung out with Matt or spent time down on the beach.

This Beau is different from the one that I knew back in Florida. I’m not really sure how to pinpoint exactly what the changes are, but they are there.

I tried to watch him without him knowing but every time he turned and caught me. Maybe he feels it like I do. I always knew when he was watching me, which was a lot, although I didn’t let on.

I knew that Drew was going to propose to Ali. He had asked my opinion on the shape of the diamond a few weeks ago, so when he dropped to one knee I wasn’t surprised.

What did surprise me though, was that I cried. Seeing them, after all that they have been through, was a very beautiful and moving moment. However, I think I cried because I’ve finally come to the realization that this will never be Beau and me.

Beau will never drop to one knee and he will never tell me how much he loves me.

Why I still dream about him being the one for me, I don’t know. I hate that after twelve years, I still can’t let go of him. Yes, the first six were great, but this last six haven’t been. Over and over again, he has proved that I am not the one for him.

Charlie asked me once to describe my dream wedding but I just couldn’t tell him so I lied. Every little girl dreams of her wedding and for most, I imagine it is like a fairytale, but for me, mine wasn’t. It was real and deep down I just knew that one day it was going to happen.

Standing here watching the two of them promise forever to each other, my heart breaks all over again. At one point I feel Beau looking at me, but returning the look would have been detrimental. So much so that I’m certain I would have broken down and caused a scene. Instead, I played the surprised, emotionally moved part because I am Ali’s friend.

No one needs to know the truth. After all, who stays in love with the same boy for twelve years? I feel stupid and brokenhearted. I kept thinking that if I opened up to him, gave myself to him, he would eventually see how much he means to me. Boy, was I wrong about that.

What did I do that is so wrong? I don’t understand. For six years, we were inseparable. I thought I meant as much to him as he does to me. It hurts to know that I don’t. It hurts to love someone and know that they are never going to love you back. It hurts.

After Ali said yes, she lands in Drew’s arms and both of them start laughing. Matt is over the moon and the first to get to them. Beau walks over, hugs them both, kisses Ali on the cheek, and then steps back so Diane can make her move. Our eyes briefly connect as he glances at me one more time, tucks his hands into his pockets, and turns away to walk down the beach.

Can’t he see how I feel? Can’t he see that I am devastated on the inside and longing for him? Doesn’t he have any type of compassion for me? After all, he’s the one who has broken me repeatedly. Oh how I wish that he had taken me by the hand and asked me to go with him. All I have ever wanted was to be with him.

More tears drop as I watch him walk away.

Eventually everyone goes inside, everyone but Beau that is. He’s always been so open and in the moment about how he feels about things. I don’t understand why he has changed so much, or what could have caused this change.

Slowly, the sky darkens as the sun begins to set. Instead of following the others in, I sit on the boardwalk to the house, and watch the direction of the beach that he walked off to. Tomorrow we all leave to head back into the city and I really would like to talk to him. Who knows when I will see him again.

A lone figure finally emerges and I know it is him. The sky hasn’t completely darkened yet, giving me an opportunity to watch him without him knowing.

Beau is beautiful. He always has been, but seeing him here, causes this ache inside of me that I can’t get rid of. He’s wearing white linen pants, a fitted navy blue T-shirt, and he’s barefoot. He doesn’t even realize how well they fit him or what the sight of him does to me.

His head is down, his hands are in his pockets, and he’s completely lost in thought. I wish I knew what he was thinking, or better yet, I wish he wanted to tell me.

“Hey.” I say as he approaches the steps. I startle him and his head snaps up at the sound of my voice.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” His brows furrow. For a second I think he looks concerned, but I know he’s not.

“Waiting for you,” I say to him.

A breeze blows and his hair falls across his forehead almost covering his eyes. He presses his lips into a thin line and stares at me.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I just thought that it would be nice to talk to you.”

A dark shadow passes over his face, his body language changes, and he looks on edge.

“You know how to reach me,” he says sharply.

How do I answer that? I do know how to reach him, but he would probably hurt me. Again.

“I suppose I do,” I say letting out a sigh. A moment of silence passes between us. He runs his hand through his hair and sits down on the step next to me. His leg brushes against mine and I close my eyes. The interactions that I have with him are so far and few, to now have physical contact, it makes me want to cry.

We watch the waves lap onto the shore in silence. I can feel the heat coming off of him and I so badly want to lean into him.

“I’m sorry about the other morning. I was just really surprised to see you,” I say to him.

He tenses up and I immediately know that this moment here with him is over.

“What part are you sorry for? The part where you looked like you’d rather be anywhere but there standing next to me or the part where your boyfriend was shoved down my throat?” He’s angry.

“What? That’s not what happened.” I knew that Charlie’s little show was going to cause a ripple between us but I never expected him to be mad over it. I thought I would get attitude and indifference. At least, that’s what the old Beau would have given me.

“Oh really?” He shifts to look at me.

“It’s not like that.” And I don’t want him to think that. My eyes lock with his. When we were kids and he would look at me, I could see and feel the affection that he had for me. Now, there’s nothing but mistrust and wariness. I still don’t understand what really happened for him to think this way about me. He was my best friend until the very end and unfortunately for me, I thought I was his.

“You know what, it doesn’t even matter.” He sounds resigned as he stands up abruptly and shoves his hands in his pockets. He looks out toward the water again, takes a deep breath, and lets out a sigh. “I’m happy for you. You look good and it seems that things are going well… I’m going to head in and take a shower.” He moves up a few steps and stops. “Oh, here, you always liked these.” He pulls something out of his pocket, leans over, and drops it onto my lap. I’m so engrossed in watching him that I forget to say thanks. He gives me a small smile and heads up the rest of the steps.

Watching him walk away feels so final, that my heart breaks just a bit more. Being here this weekend, I had really hoped things would turn out differently, but they haven’t.

The back of my eyes burn as I look out toward the ocean. Since we are facing east, the sun has set behind us, leaving the sky in front of me a deep lavender.

Looking down, there lying in my lap, is a piece of salt water taffy. The tears that had filled my eyes slowly drip out. Some people chew gum, others eat mints, but Beau has always loved taffy.

Slowly, I unwrap the wax paper from around the candy. Biting into it, I eat half and decide to wrap back up the other half and save it for later.

For years, when we were kids, on Sundays we would wander down to Kelly’s Kandy Shop to watch her make taffy. Each week she would let us pick a flavor and a color. Then once the taffy was cool enough to handle, we would Crisco up our hands and pull the taffy like tug-of-war until it became glossy and the color became light. Pulling the taffy fills it with tiny air bubbles, which makes the candy lighter in texture. The pulling process only takes about ten minutes. But each week for ten minutes we would laugh and pull. This is one of my favorite childhood memories.

Ms. Kelly would roll out the taffy into a long skinny rope and then cut it into pieces. She always gave us a bag full of the pieces for helping, and together along with two bottled sodas, we would hop on our bikes and ride to Bean Point to enjoy the candy. Blueberry was always his favorite and salted caramel was mine.

Back in my room, I pack up my things. If I didn’t think that it would be rude, I would leave right now. Ali loves me, I know she does, but being in this house will all of Beau’s family, I feel extremely out of place and unwanted. As soon as the morning gets here and I can say goodbye, I’m leaving.

Lying on the bed, staring out at the beach, willing the minutes to tick by, there’s a knock on my door.

“Come in.” For a split second, my heart actually leaps thinking it might be Beau, but it isn’t. The door opens and Matt steps in. He looks kind of uncomfortable.

“Hey Matt, come in.” I sit up and smile at him.

He steps into my room and stares at me. He must be here for a reason and my curiosity is piqued.

“Have you had a good time in New York?” He comes a little closer and stands at the foot of the bed.