I looked around for something to break like he said, but the only breakable things nearby were the mirror I loved and the Belleek pieces out on the floor, and I didn’t want to sacrifice them for my rage. Guess I was thinking like a grown-up finally now too.
Nearly a whole day had gone by, a whole day, when Ian had been gone and I didn’t even know it. I had moved along through the day assuming he was across the street. I guessed our radar was over as well. I never felt him leave.
I sat in my chair reading and rereading the words till they were emblazoned on my brain, and then I got up and ran my hands over my face. Ian was gone. Duncan would make me love him and then leave me too. It was the way of it.
“Savanna, you okay?” said Duncan from my door, making me jump.
“Shit, you scared me,” I said, holding up a hand. “I’m . . . fine,” I said.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he said, coming in, his eyebrows drawn together in concern.
I sat back down and all the weight of my world went down with me.
“Don’t call me baby,” I said, the words out of my mouth before I could even think them.
He looked like he’d been slapped. “What?”
“We aren’t that couple yet,” I said, heat hazing over logical thought. “That baby-calling couple that hangs out every night and has favorite shows together and cooks fucking pancakes and—and has extra toothbrushes at each other’s houses.”
“What the hell?” he said.
Dimly I was aware of the crazy babble coming out of my mouth, but it was beyond me. I couldn’t stop it. The thoughts were falling out in the form of words faster than I could process them.
“Just go, please,” I said, grabbing my head, which was starting to throb. “I’m not good company right now.”
“You think?” he said. “Look, Savanna—”
“Why do you call me Savanna?” I said, cutting him off. “Everyone in the world calls me Savi but you. Why do you do that?”
He blinked in surprise. “Because you never asked me to for one,” he said. “And because
everyone else does,
for two. But hey,
Savi,
you want that, you got it.”
He was pissed. And he had so much right to that. I was being a merciless bitch, and yelling at him over nothing, and all he’d done is had the misfortune of walking into my building.
“What is your problem?” he asked. “What are you upset about?” he said, pointing to the paper.
“Ian went home,” I said. “Back to Florida.”
The same look that he’d worn when I’d confessed my sins with Ian was there now. Hurt, betrayal, and anger.
Good for you, Savi, you did it. You pushed him away before he could hurt you.
“Well, I’m sorry for your loss,” he said, bitterness lacing his voice. He turned to go and then whirled back, leaning over me. “You are a fucked-up mess, you know that? Yeah, that’s right,” he added when I cringed. “Nothing beautiful about that. You cling on to what you can’t have and push away what’s right in front of you, falling in love with you.”
“Love is for other people,” I said. “People don’t stay with me. They act like they will, they promise the moon, and then they leave.”
“Damn, I can’t imagine why,” he said, and then held up his hands. “Whatever,
Savi
. You want to throw it away? That’s fine, I’m done.”
Done
. Hearing those words jarred me, shook me in a way I wasn’t expecting. He turned and was out of my office before I could even blink.
“Wait,” I whispered, then I propelled my feet into motion. Running out of my office, he was already rounding the horse stall. “Duncan, wait!”
“Later,” he said, not turning around, not stopping, not breaking stride.
He walked out. Second person that day.
• • •
Standing in front of another door that night, I could hear the sounds of life inside: the TV on in the living room, Jim laughing at whatever they were watching, Lily yelping and laughing at him to stop doing something, probably something naughty, probably something she didn’t really want him to stop doing. I almost didn’t ring the bell, didn’t want to taint them with my drama, but for once I needed my big sister.
I hit the button and heard the bells do their thing, and when Lily opened the door, the tears started all over again.
“I’m a fucked-up mess,” I sputtered.
Lily’s eyes grew wide and she pulled me inside. “Holy shit, Savi, what’s the matter?”
Jim was kicked back in a recliner, eating ice cream from a giant bowl, and he set it down and hit pause on the TV remote, rising to his feet.
“You okay?” he asked, looking worried.
To be fair, I’d never done this. I’d never been needy with Lily, never melted down in front of them. I’m not even sure Jim had ever seen me cry outside my mother’s funeral. I was never the crazy unstable sister or sister-in-law. Unpredictable, maybe, but not unstable. Because even when Ian left the first time, I just shut down. Lily saw a little of it, but for the most part I just stopped feeling.
Therefore, my showing up on their doorstep in full going-to-pieces mode had to be a tad alarming.
“Did my brother do something?” Jim said.
“Doesn’t he always?” Lily said. “I told you he didn’t even tell her he was leaving. He left a damn note.”
I was shaking my head but no one was paying attention. “No,” I choked. “I mean yes, that sucked, but he’s right, we’d have both just broke and it wouldn’t have gone well, so . . . but damn it, why does everyone have to leave?”
Jim and Lily both stared at me, and I knew then that I was speaking psychobabble. The thing about that is you can’t stop once it’s in full operating mode.
“And then—” A hard burn, worthy of a nasty volcano, hit me in the chest right then, shoving out more tears and some kind of girly squeaky noise. Lily grabbed me and led me to the couch, while Jim looked panicked. “Duncan . . .”
“What did Duncan do?” Lily asked.
“Who’s Duncan?” Jim asked.
“The vet guy,” Lily said, rubbing my back.
“Oh, yeah,” he said, lowering to sit precariously on the arm of his recliner, as if he may be required to bolt and take action at any second.
“He came by the barn,” I managed. “He saw me upset about the note.”
“You were reading Ian’s letter?” Lily asked.
“Jesus,” Jim said. “I should fly to Florida and kick his ass.”
I waved a hand in a cutting motion. “No, no, no.” I sucked in a breath, trying to get my crazy under control. “Not about Ian, not really. Duncan tried to help me and I—oh, fuck.”
“You what?” Lily said.
“I was a banshee shrieking bitch,” I said. “I started saying awful things. Horrid things.” I tried to take a deep controlling breath, but it kept hitching. “I told him he couldn’t call me baby, we weren’t a couple yet . . . no cooking, no toothbrushes.”
“That’s not all that horrible,” Lily said while wincing.
“I told him I was upset because Ian left.”
“Oh, shit,” Jim said.
“Yeah, that’s not good,” Lily said at the same time, pulling back her hair.
“Well, he just happened to walk up at a bad moment,” I said, still hiccupping but able to form fuller sentences. “I didn’t really mean it like that. I meant that—look, Ian left! You will too! Everyone does! Good times!”
“Yeah, it probably didn’t come out that way,” she said.
“No,” I conceded. “I wasn’t in a talking place. I don’t interact well when I’m stressed.”
“True,” Lily said.
“He called me a fucked-up mess,” I said, shutting my eyes against the memory of his face spewing those words. “This is why I don’t do relationships!” I said. “Why I don’t do romance! Fuck-and-go is so much less complicated,” I said, wiping at my face. “You don’t have to worry about how you act and if you end up hurting someone’s feelings.”
Fresh tears broke me on that one. God, I’d hurt him. Again. And he’d already offered me the free pass. I wouldn’t get another one. Especially throwing out the same name that I threw at him the last time. That he then made the effort to befriend sort of, for me. Fuck, I was an idiot. Just like Dad. That’s why I was always Dad’s girl. We were two peas in a fucked-up pod.
“Fuck-and-go,” Jim said. “That’s one I haven’t heard.”
“That’s because you don’t have to,” I said, my voice wobbly. “You have this life. You have Lily. Your kids. Those stupid cats.”
“I hate those cats,” he muttered.
“Stop it,” Lily hissed.
“You have the real deal,” I said. “I hope you know how precious that is.”
For once, Jim’s face went serious. “I have the best life in the world,” he said. “I have an amazing wife who loves me no matter what, two kids who love me, a brother I got to know again, and I won’t lose that. I won’t let that fall through the cracks again. I don’t care about the business. I do, but not at the expense of this,” he said, gesturing around him. “So yes, I know what I have. It’s not always easy, but Savi, it’s not gonna be. Life is messy. That real deal you talk about comes with pain and stink and sometimes a fucked-up mess. It’s all part of it.”
Lily reached out and took his hand and he squeezed hers. This was where love lived. The hand on the back.
“I messed up,” I whispered.
“Then go fix it,” Lily said.
I nodded.
“Do you need dessert? I made the Rolo brownies,” she said.
I nodded again. “Yes, please.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
I didn’t go fix it. I went home and ate my weight in brownies. Because hey, if I was going to be loveless, I might as well get to eat whatever the hell I wanted. And I didn’t see Duncan forgiving me again. Or even letting me onto his porch, for that matter. He’d said he was done.
And for someone who didn’t believe in love or relationships, that should have been okay. So why wasn’t it? Even the next day, as I went through the motions and Lily came over to check on me, bringing me bacon and coffee and tacos, I wasn’t okay. I felt empty. And the kick in the ass on that was that it didn’t feel like it was about Ian. The face I thought of first when I woke up that morning was Duncan’s. And it stabbed me deeper than I’d felt in a while.
At three o’clock that afternoon, Mrs. Sullivan walked in with a cake and what looked like a new outfit and a new hairdo.
“Hi, Mrs. Sullivan,” I said, going out to give her a hug. I turned to follow her gaze as Dad came downstairs with a smile on his face.
“Clara,” he said, all kinds of nice going on in the way he said her name.
It reminded me of how Duncan said Savanna, and then my stomach shot to my feet. How could I have been so mean. Oh, my God.
“Theo, you ready?” she said, beaming. “Oh, here’s a cake for your fridge,” she said with a wink. “So y’all have something to snack on for a few days.”
“That’s so sweet of you,” I said, turning to smile at my father. What on earth did you do to pull this out of the hat?
“We’ll be out the rest of the afternoon,” he said, taking the cake. I followed him to the break room, where he deposited it in the fridge.
“You old dog, you,” I said under my breath.
He winked at me. “I’m not above learning a few things when it’s worth it,” he said.
There was a loud noise out back, like a—garbage truck? I cocked my head at Dad and took off on a jog through the back door, where a big old garbage truck was emptying our Dumpster. Holy crap, with all the drama we’d had, I’d forgotten all about the garbage.
“Yes!” I said, turning around to high-five him. “I wonder what turned Terrence around?”
“Missy,” he said.
“Missy? What did she do?”
“She went down there and told him that we had connections to Bobby Greene,” he said, sighing wearily but smiling at the same time.
I clapped a hand over my mouth and snorted a laugh. “Oh, my God.”
“That woman,” he said, shaking his head and going back in.
“Is awesome,” I said.
“If you say so.” He and Mrs. Sullivan walked out with her holding his arm and laughing.
“Good for him,” I said out loud. “Jigsaw puzzles abound.” And then I gave a little body shiver.
I thought about closing early and bailing, too I never did that, but honestly, who would care? I could go home and read, take a bubble bath, take Gracie for a long walk. Watch a movie, eat chocolate ice cream and think about Duncan feeding it to me. Or how he’d never do that again.
Go fix it.
Be happy, Savi.
I went home and took care of Gracie, changing into fresh clothes just in case things went well, but planning for them not to. He liked me in black sheets so I chose a black tank top and dark jeans, with some sparkly flip-flops.
I’d never been more nervous in my life, not even when I had to come tell him about my indiscretion with Ian. And that had been pretty damn bad. But then, I knew he’d be opening the door happy to see me. This time, I wasn’t even sure he’d open the door.