Stop Pissing Me Off What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy (29 page)

“But then they might get upset at me!”

“So?”

You get the picture. Taking this tack may require nerves of steel and some outside coaching, but Sally walked away with a severance package that allowed her four months to determine what she wanted to do next.

I’m not advising that you should make something up; however, if your employer hasn’t respected your legal rights, you may want to explore your options. What other legal claims might you have? Discrimination or harassment, of course. Be aware, however, that generic bad behavior is not discrimination or harassment. You need to prove that your boss or coworkers treated you badly because of your age, race, sex, disability, sexual orientation, and so on. There is an overview of many of these legal claims in Chapter 3.

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17.
  When You Can’t “Love the One You’re With”

You may also have a claim for
constructive discharge
. This term describes the outcome of a situation in which a boss wants to get rid of an employee but is afraid to fire him or her, so the boss starts treating the employee badly by changing the work schedule or assigning undesirable work and difficult or impossible-to-reach deadlines. The employee then gives up and quits. Instead of suing for wrongful termination, the employee sues for constructive discharge, which means that your situation at work has become so intolerable that a reasonable person would quit. Many times these kinds of claims do not involve an actual lawsuit—a potentially career-ending move in some industries in which everyone knows everyone else. Instead, an attorney can simply advise you of your rights, and you do the negotiation on your own. Alternatively, an attorney may negotiate an out-of-court settlement for you before any lawsuit is ever filed. If you think that anything like what’s been described here may be happening to you, it is well worth your while to spend the money for a one-time visit to an attorney. Find out ahead of time exactly what you will be charged for this visit. You might also want to call the local bar association or any law schools in your area to determine whether there are any free or reduced-fee clinics available to you.

you can come home again, if you’re smart

The famously successful consulting firm McKinsey & Company got where it is by doing things the smart way, sometimes taking untraditional steps. One of those has been to encourage what it calls “boomerangs,” people who leave the firm but may come back. Boomerangs have their own McKinsey-sponsored parties, newsletters, reunions, and blogs. These people are smart enough to know that it’s a small world, and the McKinsey name and

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 Pissing Me Off!

goodwill means something to them. The firm’s smart enough to realize that there may come a time when it makes sense for them to welcome back a former employee with open arms. Don’t burn bridges—they’re hard to rebuild once you do. I realize that this may seem contrary to the advice in the previous section about seeking legal counsel, but if you don’t have a need to push your legal claim, or don’t need one, don’t take it. The goodwill and possibility of returning may be worth much more to you than whatever the settlement may be.

When I left my 17th Street (Denver’s Wall Street) firm, I was the only woman partner. Although I had my gripes and quibbles, I basically liked the firm. I just knew that I was, at heart, a teacher and that I wanted to write and teach.

Before I made a public announcement I met with the key players privately to let them know what I was doing, how much I’d learned from working with each of them, and how much I had appreciated their support. I made sure that they understood that it was what I wanted and needed to do and that it had nothing to do with the firm or its treatment of me. I knew that they—and the Street—were sensitive to claims that the firm couldn’t keep women.

Although there was some complaining—and I know that some of them thought I was nuts to leave the security, prestige, and money of the firm—they accepted my resignation gracefully. Since I left, the firm has asked me to do some consulting and training for them, and I’ve also been a client of the firm. You never know on what planet you may ultimately land.
leave them wanting More

No matter how tempting it may be to “check out” once you know you’re leaving, do not leave projects unfinished. Do what

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17.
  When You Can’t “Love the One You’re With”

your mother told you to do—clean up any messes that you made before you leave. Do not write Good Riddance letters to the tyrants and boors you worked with on your way out the door. Do not go on the company blog and trash your old employer. Be gracious. Be charming if it kills you. The world is becoming a very small place.

search for your next gig with grace and integrity

One of the problems these days is finding a new job when your former employer won’t give you a reference. Like many people, employers are lawsuit paranoid. They’re afraid of being sued for defamation (saying something false about someone) or discrimination (saying something good about one person but not another), so they just refuse to do anything. You do have a smart solution to this pickle, however. You can ask for and copy all of your performance reviews. Assuming they’re good, you can take them with you. They will speak even louder than a reference.

Although the Web is a great job-finding resource, and I’ve listed some suggested sites in the Resources section (Appendix A) of this book, most people still find jobs the old-fashioned way: through personal contact.

Be bold. Tell everyone from your mother-in-law to your mailman what you’re looking for. Follow up on all leads. Treat the search as a job in itself. Since looking can be discouraging, having a job counselor or employment support group can be helpful. Find the support you need.

Some additional tips:

Don’t panic.
Use whatever stress relief techniques you can find to keep your cool. When you move out of a bad

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 Pissing Me Off!

situation, it builds character. Realize that you made a mistake, be honest about your error, and know that fixing it is something new employers will appreciate.

experiment with new careers.
Internships and temporary assignments aren’t just for students anymore. If you’re considering a new field or industry, find a short-term contract position or volunteer to work free. You’ll get a firsthand look at the workload, culture, and potential, something no interview will give you.

know your quarry.
With the Internet, there’s no excuse for not researching a potential employer before you write or meet with them. Be sure to mention what you’ve learned in your cover letter or job interview. Find out as much as possible.

Project positive energy.
A dynamite resume will get you in the door, but employers really decide based upon the personal characteristics that they believe can get the job done, that elusive thing called chemistry. Shine on. Don’t be too cool to show your energy and enthusiasm, and save the trashing of your current (or former) employer for your spouse or therapist. Just mention that it wasn’t the right fit for you, and change the subject.

the light at the end of the tunnel

Singer Josh Groban tells the story of how his life changed between seventh and eighth grades. As the boy who liked to sing his own songs at talent shows, he became “suddenly uncool.” His school loved athletes and star students; Groban

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17.
  When You Can’t “Love the One You’re With”

was neither. At the end of his eighth-grade year a friend gave him a brochure for the Los Angeles County High School for the Arts—an audition-based public school where you study academics for the first half of the day and dedicate the second half to your chosen art. He auditioned and was accepted. Forced to perform a monologue on the first day of class, he was sure he’d made another mistake. He was amazed to find that as he tried to slink away after class, one person complimented him; another asked him to join him for lunch. Behind him, he noticed two people reciting lines from a play and beyond that someone singing opera. Groban had found “the only high school in the world where I even had a chance of being cool.”

Since then, he’s had much pressure to conform or go against his heart, but instead of doing either, he remembers this experience. He had to walk on and away from an unsupportive environment, however, in order to find his true place. As you may have guessed from reading this book, I’m one of those unusual people who actually likes working. I started my first paying job (other than chores on the ranch where I grew up) at sixteen as a lifeguard at a public swimming pool, where we not only guarded little children splashing us from the pool but also cleaned the restrooms, taught swim lessons, and sold snacks. I loved my job! (Well, cleaning restrooms, not so much, but the rest of it . . .) After that I worked my way through college and law school as a waitress, a secretary, dishwasher, and dorm room counselor. As an attorney I’ve worked in government agencies, private law firms, as a law school professor, and as a contract attorney, associate, and partner. Now I have my own business, which includes writing books, speaking, and consulting. Although I liked all my other work, I felt that when I started my own business, I’d finally reached the place where I could breathe, just as Groban did at the High School for the Arts.

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 Pissing Me Off!

I have no doubt that you can find your own place and that, indeed, everyone has one.I truly believe that we all came to earth with gifts, things that we need to exercise in order to be truly happy and successful. You matter. What you do matters, no matter what job you’re in. If you keep experimenting until you find the thing that you love to do and then do that work with intensity and focus, success and fulfillment are sure to follow.

My thoughts and prayers go with you as you walk on.

your

relationship toolbox

How to Move froM PiSSed off to Powerful

PiSSed off

Powerful

Staying in a job where you’re

Leaving once you’ve tried every other

miserable

possible solution

Failing to go through the

Doing the grief work

grieving process

Leaving impulsively

Planning a graceful exit

Trashing people on your way out Being charming even if it kil s you Going it alone

Getting all the support you need

Leaving money on the table

Consulting an attorney

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CONCLuSiON

Life is difficult, as M. Scott Peck reminds us in
The Road Less
Traveled,
but once we accept that fact, life becomes easier. It’s all a matter of adjusting our expectations.

Working with difficult people presents the same contradiction: If you expect everyone to be easy to work with, your working life will be difficult; if you adjust your expectations, the path smoothes out.

Working with difficult people is an essential workplace skill, well worth your time to learn and hone, just as you would learn to play the piano or program a computer. Without this skill, your working life may well be miserable.

The reality is that difficult people work everywhere. I hope this book has helped you see that difficult people are not the enemy; they’re just yet another blip on the radar screen of your day. An annoyance, perhaps, but one that you have the tools to overcome, not something that needs to wreck your day or your basic career satisfaction.

Doing work you love is one of life’s great pleasures. Don’t stop searching until you find out what that is. And remember to stop and have fun as you journey through various workplace experiments. Go out there. Be well. Be wise. Work well and don’t let the difficult people steal from you the joys and pleasures of a successful career. I wish you the best on your journey. May the force be with you.

|  229  |

appendix a

ADDiTiONAL rESOurCES

9to5, National Association of Working Women

www.9to5.org

American Civil Liberties Union

www.aclu.org

American Federation of Labor–Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL-CIO)

www.aflcio.org

American Psychological Association

www.apa.org

Asian American Legal Defense and Educational Fund (AALDEF) E-mail:
[email protected]

Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)

www.eeoc.gov

American Academy of Family Physicians

www.familydoctor.org

Good Clean Funnies List

www.gcfl.net

Laughter Yoga

www.laughteryoga.org

Lynne Eisaguirre, Workplaces That Work

www.workplacesthatwork.com

Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund

(MALDEF)

www.maldef.org

Micro Expression Training Tool (METT) CD available at

www.PaulEkman.com

|  230  |

appendix a.
  Additional Resources

Mind and Life Institute

www.mindandlife.org

NAACP Legal Defense and Education Fund, Inc.

www.naacp.org

National Employment Lawyers Association (NELA)

www.nela.org

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

www.nimh.nih.gov

National Organization for Women (NOW)

www.now.org

Legal Momentum

(formerly Now Legal Defense and Education Fund)

www.legalmomentum.org

The National Sleep Foundation

www.sleepfoundation.org

Thorax
:
An International Journal of Respiratory Medicine

www.thorax.bmj.com

Working America

www.workingamerica.org/badboss

|  231  |

appendix B

BiBLiOGrAPHY

Bokur, Debra. “What’s So Funny?”
Yoga Journal
, February, 2007. Britten, Rhonda.
Fearless Living
. New York: Perigee Trade (reprint edition), 2002.

Bridges, William.
Transitions:
Making Sense of Life’s Changes
. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1980.

Buckingham, Marcus.
Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful
Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance
. New York: Free Press, 2007.

Burns, David D.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
, revised and updated. New York: Avon, 1999.

Charan, Ram. “Why CEOs Fail.”
Fortune
, June 21, 1999, p. 69. Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly.
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Expe-
rience
. New York: Harper Perennial (reprint edition), 1991. Eisaguirre, Lynne.
The Power of a Good Fight
. Indianapolis: Literary Architects, 2006. Fiorina, Carly.
Tough Choices: A Memoir
. New York: Portfolio, 2006.

Forni, P. M.
Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Consid-
erate Conduct
. New York: St. Martin’s/Griffin (reprint edition), 2003.

Frankl, Viktor E.
Man’s Search for Meaning
, revised and updated. Boston: Beacon Press, 1996.

Goldberg, Natalie.
The Great Failure: A Bartender, a Monk, and
My Unlikely Path to Truth
. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 2004. Gilbert, Daniel.
Stumbling on Happiness
. New York: Knopf, 2006.

|  232  |

appendix B.
  Bibliography

Goleman, Daniel.
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More
Than IQ
. New York: Bantam (reprint edition), 1997.

———.
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relation-
ships
. New York: Bantam, 2006.

Hallowell, Edward M.
Connect
. New York: Pantheon, 1999. Hendricks, Gay.
Conscious Living: Finding Joy In the Real World.
San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 2001.

Jamison, Kathy Redfield.
An Unquiet Mind
. New York: Picador (new edition), 1997.

Peck, M. Scott.
The Road Less Traveled
. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978.

Porter, Gayle. “Workaholics as High-Performance Employees: The Intersection of Workplace and Family Relationship Problems
.
” In
High-Performance Families: Causes, Consequences, and
Clinical Solutions
, ed. B. Robinson and N. Chase, a monograph in the American Counseling Association’s Family Psychology and Counseling Series, pp. 43–69. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association, 2001. Preston, Stephanie D. and Frans B. M. de Waal. “Empathy: Its Ultimate and Proximate Bases
.

Behavioral and Brain Sciences
25

(2002), pp. 1–20.

Robinson, Bryan E.
Chained to the Desk: A Guidebook for Worka-
holics, Their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians Who Treat
Them
. New York: New York University Press, 2001. Schor, Juliet B.
The Overworked American: The Unexpected Decline
of Leisure
. New York: Basic Books, 1991.

Seligman, Martin.
Authentic Happiness
. Boston: Nicholas Brealey Publishing, Ltd., 2003.

———.
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your
Life
. New York: Vintage (reprint), 2006.

Slater, Robert.
29 Leadership Secrets from Jack Welch
, 2nd ed. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003.

Somer, Elizabeth, and Nancy Snyderman.
Food & Mood: The
Complete Guide to Eating Well and Feeling Your Best
, 2nd ed. New York: Owl Books, 1999.

|  233  |

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 Pissing Me Off!

Stern, Daniel.
The Present Moment in Psychotherapy and Everyday
Life.
New York: W. W. Norton, 2004.

Suskind, Ron.
The One Percent Doctrine: Deep Inside America’s
Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11.
New York: Simon & Schuster, 2006.

Sutherland, Amy.
Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons
at the World’s Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers.
New York: Viking, 2006.

Swenson, Richard, MD.
The Overload Syndrome: Learning to
Live Within Your Limits
. Colorado Springs: NavPress Publishing Group, 1998.

Tannen, Deborah.
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in
Conversation
. New York: William Morrow, 1990.

Ury, William.
Getting to Peace: Transforming Conflict at Home, at
Work, and in the World
. New York: Viking, 1999. Williams, Redford, MD, and Williams, Virginia, PhD.
In Control:
No More Snapping at Your Family, Sulking at Work, Steaming in
the Grocery Line, Seething at Meetings, Stuffing Your Frustration
. Emmaus, PA: Rodale Books, 2006.

|  234  |

iNDEx

a

micromanagers
, 3, 103–6

Anger at work

response options
, 102–3

causes of
, 4–8

common irritants
, 2–4

contr
olling, 194

c

escaping rage trap
, 9–10

Changing others
, 15–16.

road ragers
, 4–5, 142–45

See also
Connecting with

Attention Deficit Disorders

people

(ADD & ADHD), 76,

Char
m, 171–76

82–83

Clients
, 121–33

Attorney, assistance from,

adversaries becoming

145, 212, 213, 221, 222–23

partners
, 123–26

avoiding difficulties with,

126–28

B

managing problems and

Bill of rights

k
eeping, 122–28, 130–33

for managers
, 113–19

reasons f
or firing, 128–30

for workers
, 23–41

Clinical depr
ession, 77–79,

Bipolar illness
, 80–81

187–88

Boss problems
, 101–12

Communication

clueless incompetents,

electr
onic, 3, 5–6, 61–62,

108–9

152

conflict avoiders
, 106–8

getting others to listen,

devils incarnate
, 109–12

208–10

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 Pissing Me Off!

Communication—
continued

Dif
ficult, defining, 11–15

ineffectiveness of yelling,

Difficult people vs. behavior,

172–76

18–19

listening to others
, 97–100,

118–19

rapport vs. report talk,

e

68–70

Electronic communications,

results from requests,

3, 5–6, 61–62, 152

88–94

Emotions, managing (self),

Conflict

94–97

creative, using power of,

Employee rights and

8–10

responsibilities
, 23–41, 116

having a “good” fight,

Energy and focus
, 185–90

203–8

Escalating with style,

recy
cling, 202

210–13

unresolved, results of,

xii–xiii

of values
, 25–27, 34–35

F

Connecting with people,

Flow-busters, beating,

43–54

190–92

lack of, as nor
m, 49–50

Fun and happiness,

reasons for
, 44–49

161–69

steps for
, 50–54

Controlling situations,

x–xi

g

Culture of workplace,

Gender differences
, 62–65

changing, 195–99

Generational differences,

57–61

d

Dark side
, 16–17

h

Diet, 154–56

Har
assment, 27–30, 31–34

Differences

Hardwired behavior
, 15–16,

avoiding difficulties with,

46–47, 71, 74–75

65–67

Helping others
, 192–93

dealing with, xiii–xiv, xvii,

Hostile envir
onment, 31

56–57

Humor and jokes
, 162–63,

dia
gnosing, 14–15

165–69

|  236  |

Index

J

M

Job performance and work

Manager rights and

habits
, 177–85

responsibilities
, 113–19

beating flow-busters,

Mental health problems,

190–92

71–84

finding higher purpose,

Attention Deficit

183–84

Disorders (ADD &

finding meaning in job,

ADHD), 76, 82–83

181–82

bipolar illness
, 80–81

helping others,

character disorders
, 83–84

192–93

clinical depr
ession, 77–79,

persistence and, 184–85

187–88

size of
job and, 179–80

examples
, 71–74

staying on purpose,

Obsessive Compulsive

182–84

Disor
der (OCD), 81–82

value of doing job well,

structure/physiology of,

178–79, 180–81

74–77, 82–83

working with energy and

Mo
ving on, 215–28

focus
, 185–90

finding ne
xt gig, 225–26

getting law on your side,

221–23

k

with grace
, 224–25

Kindness, importance of,

knowing it’s time
, 216

193

preparing for
, 216–21

Know-it-alls
, 136–39

returning after

(boomeranging),

223–24

l

transition phases
, 219–20

Legal issues and violations,

27–31, 33–34, 35–39

Legal support, 221–23.
See
n

also
Attorney, assistance

Na
pping, 153–54

from

Negotiation, power of
, 205–8

Listening

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