Stop Pissing Me Off What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy (22 page)

Most of the time is spent on what Kataria calls his “breakthrough technology”: exercises designed to get people to laugh for no apparent reason. These, combined with simple yoga breathing techniques and “laughter meditation,” are the heart of Laughter Yoga. Though little clinical research has been done to date, Kataria promises that Laughter Yoga relieves stress, boosts immunity, fights depression, and eventually transforms people into more positive thinkers.

Kataria explains why laughter is good for the body. “When you start laughing, your chemistry changes, your physiology changes, your chances to experience happiness are much greater,” he says. “Laughter Yoga is nothing more than prepping the body and mind for happiness.”

Kataria goes on to claim that laughter has two sources: one from the body and one from the mind. Adults, he believes, tend to laugh from the mind. “We make judgments and evaluations about what’s funny and what isn’t,” he says. Children, who laugh much more frequently than adults, laugh from the

|  166  |

12.
  Fun Is Not a Four Letter Word  .  .  . But Work Is body. “They laugh all the time they’re playing. Laughter Yoga is based on cultivating your childlike playfulness. We all have a child inside us wanting to laugh, wanting to play.” His theory is that we can relearn what we knew as children, laughing from the body rather than the brain.

The idea that laughter heals is not new. Norman Cousins, editor of the
Saturday Review
, documented his own laughter cure in the 1979 book
Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by
the Patient
. Cousins had been diagnosed in the mid-1960s with ankylosing spondylitis, a painful degenerative disease of the connective tissue that left him weak and barely able to move. Doctors gave him a 500-to-1 chance of recovery. Rejecting conventional treatments, Cousins checked out of the hospital and into a hotel, where he set up a film projector and played funny movies. He took massive doses of vitamin C and immersed himself in hours of the Marx Brothers. “I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect,” he wrote, “and would give me at least two hours of painfree sleep.” Cousins recovered and lived for another twenty-six years. And, in part inspired by his experience, a handful of scientists began researching the healing power of laughter. One of them was William Fry, then a psychiatrist at Stanford University. In a series of studies during a career that spanned more than fifty years, Fry documented some of the health benefits of what he calls “mirthful laughter.” He found that laughter increases circulation, stimulates the immune system, exercises the muscles, and even invigorates the brain. Other researchers have found that laughter reduces stress hormones and may help prevent heart disease. Not to mention that laughter burns calories; how great is that?

I know you’re wondering whether fake laughter—laughter devoid of humor, laughter that’s forced rather than spontaneous—can have the same beneficial effects. Fry believes that

|  167  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

aside from the mental stimulation that comes in the moment of discovery when you hear a good joke or appreciate a pun, the physical and emotional effects should be largely the same. “I think it’s beneficial,” says Fry, who has heard about but hasn’t experienced Laughter Yoga. “I’m in favor of this program.”

If nothing else, all that laughter practice will drive the liars and tyrants and boors down the hall crazy! You may want to try Laughter Yoga just for that reason.

the proven perks oF huMor

You may believe that you’d be more happy at work if all the difficult people left, but is that really true? Do we really know what will make us happy?

Recently, psychologists such as Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania and his colleagues have challenged the widely accepted view that people are stuck with a basic setting on their happiness thermostat. That old view held that effects of good or bad life events such as marriage, a raise, divorce, or disability will simply fade with time. But recent long-term studies have revealed that the happiness thermostat is more malleable. One new study showing change in happiness levels followed thousands of Germans for seventeen years. A quarter of them changed significantly over that time in their basic level of satisfaction with life. Nearly a tenth of the German participants changed by three points or more on a ten-point scale.

One of the things that does seem to show promise in creating more happiness is something so simple you may be inclined to dismiss it as moronic. Before going to sleep at night, think of three good things that happened that day and analyze why they occurred. “Once they start, people keep doing these things on their own because it’s immediately rewarding,” says Selig|  168  |

12.
  Fun Is Not a Four Letter Word  .  .  . But Work Is man colleague Acacia Parks. “Although this technique sounds Pollyanaish, you’ll find yourself focusing more on good things that happen, which might otherwise be forgotten because of daily disappointments,” she says.

A second approach that has shown promise in Seligman’s group has people discover their personal strengths through a specialized questionnaire, and then choose the five most prominent ones. Every day for a week, each person is to apply one or more of his or her strengths in a new way—things like the ability to find humor or summon enthusiasm; appreciation of beauty; curiosity and love of learning. The exercise may be a good way to get engaged in satisfying activities, pumping up your general level of satisfaction, especially at work. For more ideas about raising your own happiness thermostat at work, read Seligman’s book
Authentic Happiness.

Why do I keep harping on encouraging you to increase your own level of happiness at work? Partly because fun is
fun
, but also because of a concept psychologists call “projection.”

We tend to project our internal feelings onto those around us, especially people with whom we’re in conflict. Raising our own happiness set point helps lower our reactivity to those difficult people with whom we work. Moreover, it may cause the difficult person to feel happier or calmer, thus changing how he or she interacts with us. In the next chapter, you’ll find even more ideas on how to smooth out difficult interactions.

your

relationship toolbox

How to Move froM PiSSed off to Powerful

PiSSed off

Powerful

Taking work too seriously

Looking for ways to have fun at work

Making fun of people’s gender or

Using appropriate humor to lighten

ethnic background

up the workplace

Underestimating the power of laughter Laughing more

|  169  |

13.

BE CHArMiNG EvEN if iT KiLLS YOu

How to adjust and harness your own attitude.

Laurie Frank’s seventeen male colleagues huddle around the table in the wood-paneled conference room. Alternating between barbed snapping and backslapping, they trade golf scores, quarrel about the year-end financial statements, and trade opinions on which associates will make the cut. Laurie takes it all in with a knowing smile. After five years as a partner in this litigation-oriented law firm, she has learned a hardwon secret of survival: Be charming if it kills you. When asked how she manages in this cutthroat male bastion, she repeats her mantra and soldiers on. That wasn’t always the case. There was a time when she used to sling punches and insults with the best of them; she fought fire with fire, sparking her share of flameouts. Laurie has realized that her maddening mother was right: You do attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. The author of the book
Choosing Civility
, P.M. Forni of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, argues that the habit of civility has a dual purpose: making others feel at ease in the world, and making yourself feel at ease in the world by holding yourself to high standards. If you cultivate your own civility, exercise

|  171  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

emotional competence, place firm boundaries on your behavior, and refuse to allow others to strip you of your dignity and composure, you gain power and confidence that simply can’t be matched by collecting snippy one-liners and insults. You may never improve another’s behavior by your own example, Forni believes, but you can always carry with you your own “shelter from life’s slings and arrows”: a firm determination to preserve your best self and walk away from altercations with your head high.
why yelling doesn’t work

No question, we live in an uncivil age, which contributes to many workplace woes. We have a popular culture that tends to value in-your-face attitude: rappers, punk rockers, media shouting debates, racists and sexist movies, and porno Web sites. In the workplace, however, most organizations are moving in the opposite direction, enforcing stricter policies on harassment, discrimination, threats, and violence. Employers are realizing that they have a legal and ethical obligation to create a workplace that’s safe and comfortable for everyone. They’re also realizing that it makes good business sense because it helps attract and retain the best employees. Many people come into the workplace, however, thinking that the loose atmosphere they encounter in other settings will work in the office. Not true. Many people, for example, may have risen to the top by using abusive language, and yelling and attacking the people who work for them. These leaders may have been seen as hard-charging and results-driven. They may have even succeeded in some settings. For example, Bobby Knight, the winningest coach in basketball history, was famous for this style.

|  172  |

13.
  Be Charming Even If It Kills You

However, such tactics—while they may succeed in the short run—ultimately fail, as they did for Knight. He was eventually fired from his high-profile job at Indiana University, spent a year unemployed, and finally found a place at the much less prestigious Texas Tech, where he’s continued to create controversy there for some of his antics. Theoretically, if you’re abusive to everyone, it’s not discrimination or harassment. I call such people “equal opportunity abusers.” In today’s work environment, however, even if you do yell, scream, and verbally attack everyone equally, eventually someone will come along who is different from you. That person may believe that you’re abusing him or her
because
they’re different. Then you have a serious issue on your hands. When that person files a complaint against you for harassment or discrimination, how will you defend yourself? By arguing that you do this to everyone? How will you prove that fact? You’ll have to call all the people you’ve abused to come and testify that “yup, he did it to me too!” What will the judge or jury think of you at that point? That you’re a jerk, of course. Trust me, the outcome will not be in your favor.

Beyond the law, there are other good reasons to practice civility. Ultimately, it works better than anything else. I loved watching the commentary on Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy after his Super Bowl victory. Apparently, when he took over as coach, he called his team in and announced in a soft voice, “This is the loudest you’ll ever hear me talk, so you better listen well.” Even during the Super Bowl game, he never appeared to lose his cool, and reporters who were in the locker room afterward talked about the great respect each player had for Dungy. They wanted to play hard and win because of their boundless admiration for him.

Setting high expectations for courtesy and civility with staff, clients, bosses, and colleagues will always serve you. Model

|  173  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

respectful behavior yourself. Create policies around it if you’re a leader in your organization, and be sure you walk the talk. Don’t tolerate abusive behavior from others, and don’t engage in abuse.

As a seminar leader, I always bend over backward to treat my audience with extreme politeness and respect, even when we’re dealing with hot issues and they lose their cool. Ultimately, it always pays off. As a participant in one of my seminars said, “I do a lot of training and I’ve never thought of politeness as a technique, but I noticed that you used it and I’m going to try it myself.”