Stop Pissing Me Off What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy (17 page)

Notice that I still was avoiding her direct request to kick Bernice off the project—a result that simply would not work for me. Instead, I was inviting her to
disclose
the deeper story: she’s too busy, Katie is overwhelmed, she doesn’t want to lose her, and they both need this particular project and its ensuing conflicts like a hole in the proverbial head.

“Yeah,” she sighed, “it’s brutal.” Meredith then proceeded to relate her most recent interaction with the CEO over a lawsuit the company had been hit with that had taken up a lot of her time, trying to calm down his hysteria. Meredith added that in addition to serving Meredith and two other attorneys, Katie had the pesky task of running the logistics for the diversity trainings we were conducting for the client at plants all over the country. I kept asking questions to let Meredith vent,

|  124  |

09.
  How To Avoid Killing Outrageous Clients

something she apparently needed desperately. I continued to ask open-ended questions and just listen, and make sympathetic noises, until she calmed down. Sometimes listening without judgment may be all someone needs.

One of the techniques I used during this exchange was to imagine that I was Meredith: dealing with a burnt CEO, an assistant who lacks people skills, chronically over-extended, having a bad week personally and professionally. In our conflict training, we require students to use this technique to switch sides and tell the story of the conflict from the other person’s point of view. While students initially resist these kinds of “acting” exercises, they’re always revealing and helpful in allowing them to move a conflict that’s “stuck.”

Seeing Meredith’s side made me feel uncomfortable, but also less entitled and less inclined to climb into the ring to defend Bernice’s honor. If I did that, I knew I would push Meredith into her corner of the ring, leaving her with no choice but to defend Katie. That result would not serve anyone.

Understanding what someone else is feeling and thinking is a crucial step to resolving conflicts with clients—or anyone else. There is power in our own attitude. Even if someone initially resists our invitation to begin a dialogue, we don’t have to react in kind. We can continue to say and do things that turn us into partners. All it takes is persistence in trying to understand the other person’s point of view and reflecting it back so that he or she feels that someone understands and appreciates the problems. We can choose to view this as an interesting challenge or a pesky chore.

I listened to Meredith go on until she seemed to wind down, and then I asked, “What would be the best outcome for you for this project?”

This question took her aback and stopped her in her tracks. Until then, she had not been looking at the big picture, but

|  125  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

only today’s annoyance: the Katie/Bernice row. “Well, the project has had a good outcome so far,” she sighs. “It’s been a real feather in my cap with the CEO, and I have you to thank for that.”

“What if,” I suggested, “I talk to Bernice and make sure that she treats Katie with more respect and I will make sure to remind everyone else to do the same. Or, we can use Bernice only if we really need her. Last, but not least, I could talk with Katie directly about Bernice’s travel plans, so that she doesn’t even have to deal with Bernice.”

“Oh, never mind,” Meredith said. “I guess it’s not such a big deal. Look, I have to run. I’m late for a meeting.”

Not all client or customer clashes play out this easily, of course, but the same steps I followed can be used in virtually any customer conflagration. Try this format:

1. Calm yourself down so you can think. Ignore whatever trash they’re throwing at you.

2. Focus on the big picture. What is the outcome you really need and want?

3. Find out their backstory. Gradually reveal your own. 4. Ask open-ended questions. Use this format: listen, question, listen, question, listen.

5. Imagine yourself in their shoes, whether they’re Gap or Galliano. Articulate their deeper issues, either to yourself, or to them, if appropriate.

6. Brainstorm a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
avoid getting in the ring with a client

Not taking it personally is the key to resolving customer conflicts if you deal with customer service. I remember learning

|  126  |

09.
  How To Avoid Killing Outrageous Clients

this years ago from an airline customer service rep. Like most frequent flyers, I have my own list of flying horror stories. At this point, I rarely get outraged at whatever airline insanity is going on since I know that I have no control over whether planes take off on time, baggage is lost, or the security line is crawling, but that wasn’t always the case.

Back in the 1980s, my then husband and I were headed out on a long-delayed diving vacation to Belize. We were both stressed at work and home and were delighted to be finally taking off for a week of freedom. Of course, the inevitable happened: our luggage was lost in Miami. The stress of the past couple of months got to me and I blew up, along the lines of “how the @#$%&* could you do this to us!”

My reaction, in fact, was so over the top that I was referred to the manager, who walked us down the hall to her office. I continued my harangue as we walked. “One of the things I’m so upset about is we’re going to this really remote island off the coast of Belize and even if you find our bags they’ll never be able to get them to us on time” and on and on.

She made sympathetic noises as I continued and never lost her cool, or her professionalism. Finally, I calmed down enough to be impressed. “How do you manage to stay so calm with irate travelers lambasting you all day?” I asked. She shrugged. “I have just learned to never take it personally.” Clearly, this is the golden rule of sorting out customer problems.

As I did with Meredith, the key is to understand that it’s their problem, not your fault. Your joint goal is to find a solution, not attack back. Admittedly, it’s not always easy to avoid taking someone’s behavior personally, especially if they’re attacking you. Again, if
you
can focus on the
problem,
not you or them as a person, it’s easier. You are a team and you’re jointly attacking the

|  127  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

issue, which you’ve skillfully placed opposite the two of you. If they’re emotional or attacking, it’s because of their deeper issues, which like a good detective you can investigate and find. Then you can both focus on the most positive outcome for both sides.

once in a while you Just need to Fire a client

When do you throw in the towel? Marriage experts hold forth that the three A’s—abuse, adultery, and alcohol—are grounds to give up on any marriage. It’s a good rule for customers as well.

aBuse

No one should have to abide abuse at work. One time, if it’s not severe, is understandable. But after a warning, if someone is still doing the same thing, give it up. I’m not talking about a few raised voices or less-than-felicitous words here; I’m talking about a continual crossing of boundaries that makes you miserable. Screaming, profanity, and certainly physical abuse all are over the line. You need to complain to your manager, HR, their manager, and even call 911 if they’re abusing you and won’t leave the premises.

A friend of mine owns a store that sells discount motorcycle gear. One day a would-be patron came in obviously inebriated, waving a beer bottle and threatening to kill one of his sales clerks. She ran to the bar next door and called 911. Clearly, such behavior is over the line.

But what about less obvious behavior? Yelling, temper tantrums, name calling. Everyone has their own personal limit

|  128  |

09.
  How To Avoid Killing Outrageous Clients

but mine is this: If you listen sympathetically to their tirade and they still continue when you’ve asked them to stop, that’s it. Call your security people or the police. No one should feel threatened at work. You are irreplaceable. Customers are not.
alcohol or suBstance aBuse

Clearly, if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you shouldn’t have to deal with them and the same rules apply as those for dealing with abuse: Ask them to stop and if they don’t, you leave and call for help. Be careful, however, since it is possible that certain medical conditions can mimic alcohol problems.

I once had a plumber collapse into a diabetic coma in my house. Luckily, he was training someone else, so the newbie helped me get him to the couch and pour some juice into his mouth. Despite his objections, I called 911. If his partner hadn’t known what was happening, I would have sworn the plumber was drunk.

adultery

While you won’t deal with adultery per se with a client or customer, I have seen many sexual harassment (or racial, ethnic, age, etc.) incidents with clients or customers. You should not have to put up with sexual innuendos, unwelcome requests for sexual favors, or sexual or racial epithets at work. Even if this behavior is being directed at you by an outside client or customer, your employer must create a safe environment for its employees. If this happens, tell your manager or HR. If they won’t listen, call the Equal Employment Opportunity

|  129  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

Commission (EEOC) or the state Fair Employment Practices board.

The law is on your side on this one. (As is, most likely, your employer’s policy.) Your employer has an obligation to provide a work environment that’s free from harassment. Even though the company may not be able to control the behavior of cussing customers, it can control the environment, forcibly evicting the offenders if need be.
More techniques to soothe Beastly customers

Before you pull the plug on a pugnacious customer or client, consider these additional techniques. First, allow him or her to express anger and resentment appropriately. Let the person speak these feelings until he or she is finished. Acknowledge the feelings, which means listening and sympathizing
without
excuses or explanations. He or she is trying to get complete about the past, meaning that this situation and/or you are reminding him of some past upset and they’re taking it out on you. Reassure him or her that you will not allow the past to repeat itself in this relationship. If you let the person completely express all of his or her feelings, anger and resentment will turn into appreciation.

Appreciation is also a good way to keep clients or customers from turning into a pain in the butt. Frequently ask them,

“What can I do that would make you feel more appreciated today?” Wow! What a question. Can you imagine how you’d feel if the businesses you patronize asked you this question instead of taking you for granted? Customer service issues would evaporate.

Marriott International, Inc., which is highly regarded around the world for its customer service, makes certain that

|  130  |

09.
  How To Avoid Killing Outrageous Clients

its managers live and die by its GSIs (guest service indexes). If the GSI sinks too low at any property, the manager must go!

Don’t you wish everyone had this standard? Customers would be a happier lot.

the power of silence

If you’re on the receiving end of a customer harangue, try something new: the power of silence. If you’ve never used silence to make a point, you don’t understand how powerful this communication tool can be. Being able to use the sound of silence is one of the greatest conversational arts. Our ability to be quiet may confirm that we are intensely interested in what is being said. It can also show that we have great integrity and will not be brought into conversations that could be demeaning. Ben Franklin said, “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” Silence allows us to keep a secret, to serve as a peacemaker, and to learn the deeper meaning about what is being said.

Have you ever been in a conversation in which all you were waiting for was for the speaker to pause, so that you could interject your reply? Instead of allowing ourselves to pause and absorb what has been said, we start preparing how we want to vocalize our thoughts as soon as the speaker stops talking. That is not listening; it is merely practicing our next speech.

Realize that there will always be some people who misunderstand or misinterpret your silence. Some people will take your pause as a time to jump into the conversation by engaging their mouth. When we do speak, our brains should be fully engaged so that our words are clear and easily understood.

|  131  |

stop
 Pissing Me Off!

Otherwise our words are only noise pollution. Silence is a powerful sword. We can use silence to increase our understanding and learn more about the people around us. When used out of compassion, it can show that we care deeply enough to listen with the intent to understand.

However, the other side of the silence sword can cut through the air when our intent is to hurt or let someone know we are displeased. Dead silence can cause a conversation to feel heavy, because the speaker may not know whether he or she was heard or understood. The art of silence is learned. When we are accustomed to noise, we may mistake silence for lack of understanding. How loud is your silence speaking with the people you serve? Is your silence allowing you to hit your mark and better understand your clients, or are you using it to dismiss, intimidate, or punish passive-aggressively? Be aware of your intentions with this tactic.

So the next time you’re confronted by a really troublesome client or customer, try silence. Simply let the person talk, vent, even rage to their heart’s content. If he or she is behaving like a snarling, snapping, sniping pit bull, realize that most pit bulls are like balloons full of hot air: if you simply allow them to go on long enough, they’ll eventually deflate.

If the person pauses, ask another open-ended question, starting with who, what, where, or when. If you can’t think of anything else to say, you can always just simply ask, “And then what happened?” Every time the client or customer runs through the problem at hand, you can help him or her blow off the anger until it disappears. In between the tirades, use the power of silence.